By Sunday lunch-time, Alessandra was patting Will’s arm and laughing at everything he said. Gerald took him on a tour of the garden and pronounced him ‘a breath of fresh air and robust enough to stand up to Bella’. He laughed when he said it, so Bella was sure he must have been joking. Will found Bella in the sitting-room after lunch, curled up in an armchair reading a book. Was she coming to join them, he asked; there was fresh coffee.
‘No thanks.’
‘Would Madam like a cup brought through before the staff go off duty?’ He smiled and leant down to see her face.
‘I’m fine, thanks.’
‘What’s up?’
‘Nothing. I’m reading.’
‘Rightio. You’re reading. Of course. We trail miles across country so that you can introduce me to your parents then you spend the entire time skulking in corners like some snotty adolescent. Do you always visit people then ignore them when you get there?’
Bella continued to stare at her book.
‘I think it’s very rude. To me as well as your parents. I’m here only because of you but you’ve practically abandoned me.’
‘You seem to be managing very well without me.’
‘I’m trying to be sociable enough for two people to compensate for you.’
‘Please don’t bother on my account. They’re used to it. I’m “difficult” apparently – surely my mother mentioned it?’
‘Come on. Will you please at least look at me?’
Bella raised her eyes from the page. They were like glass.
‘I hate it when you do that.’
She raised her eyebrows and remained silent.
‘Aren’t you going to ask me what?’
‘I daresay you’ll tell me anyway.’
‘God, you can be infuriating.’ He shoved his hands down deep into his pockets. ‘I hate it when you shut me out like that. Go all icy. I don’t know how to get through it.’
‘Better not waste your energy then.’
‘What is all this? What’s the matter?’ Will moved towards her and laid a hand on her hair.
‘Don’t do that. Flattens it.’ She flicked her head.
His hand dropped back to his side.
‘Come through when you’re planning to rejoin the human race, why don’t you?’
Bella deposited a single kiss on Alessandra’s right cheek and promptly stepped backwards, stranding her mid-ritual. Alessandra hovered, then tugged at her silk cardigan draped over her shoulders and crossed her arms. A hug and kiss for Gerald, then Bella squatted to clasp Hund in a warm embrace. She heard Will kissing Alessandra and her light laugh, heard Gerald clapping Will affectionately on the back. She kissed the top of Hund’s head again and showered him with extra pats.
‘You must come and see us again, dear Will. Don’t wait for Bella to bring you – we’ll be quite old and grey by then!’ Alessandra laughed.
Will got into the front passenger seat and balanced a tin of home-made biscuits on his lap. A jar of cherries macerated in brandy was wedged between his feet.
‘Enough going-home presents there, have you, dear Will?’ Bella turned the car and gave a cursory wave out the window, a perfunctory goodbye toot of the horn.
‘I thought it was very kind of her. She was only trying to make me feel welcome.’
‘Welcome? She practically offered to adopt you. I’m surprised she didn’t just swap me for you, old for new: “Don’t throw that old, unlovable child away. Trade it in for an easier, more adorable one.”’
‘I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate.’
‘Is that the best you can do? Time to splash out and invest in a few new jokes, I think.’
‘You are angry, aren’t you?’
‘As you well know, nothing is more guaranteed to make a perfectly calm person angry than telling them they’re angry. You’re so – so fucking smug sometimes.’
‘I’m afraid you’ve lost me. I really don’t understand why you’re so upset.’
‘Don’t you? Don’t you really? You’ve just spent all weekend forming a cosy little mutual fan club with my parents, especially my mother, and you’ve no idea why that would upset me?’
‘Not really, no. Well, I could hazard a guess.’
‘And what would that be, Mr Smug?’
‘Cut it out. Don’t push it, Bella.’
‘Bella. Oh, you do know my name then? But only when you’re telling me off? The rest of the time it’s “sweet pea” or “pumpkin” or some other type of vegetable matter.’
Will was silent for a minute.
‘That’s just me being affectionate, you know it is. Why didn’t you say if it annoyed you? I thought you liked it.’
I do like it. She felt as if she were at the bottom of a pit and could see no way to scale the walls; what could she do but dig deeper?
She exhaled shortly through her nose. Will ignored it.
‘I think you’re pissed off because I got on OK with your mum and that’s blown your guiding theory of life out of the water – that she’s the Wicked Witch of the West and you’re sweet little Dorothy.’
Bella raised one eyebrow.
‘Oh, the famous Kreuzer look. I am scared. I think you’d actually rather be right than happy, wouldn’t you?’
‘That does sound likely, doesn’t it?’
‘OK. Why are you so upset then?’
‘I’m not “upset” – I might be justifiably pissed off that you smarmed up to Alessandra,’ her voice quivered dramatically. ‘So that I was made to look like the bad one, a naughty misfit schoolkid.’
‘You were acting like a stroppy brat, so what do you expect?’
‘I really fail to see the point of this conversation.’
Will rested his hand on her leg.
‘C’mon, you.’ He moved her leg to and fro playfully. ‘Let’s not fight, eh?’
Bella reached to change gear and nudged his hand away.
‘’Scuse me. Could you …? Thanks.’
He withdrew it and clucked a quiet rhythm to himself for a minute, then he turned to look out of the window.
The rest of the journey passed in near-silence.
Will pulled out a tape.
‘OK if we have some music?’
‘Mmm-mm.’
‘I’ll take that as a yes then, as you would say.’
He hummed along without enthusiasm.
‘Got a busy day tomorrow,’ he said.
‘Hmm?’
‘Yes, indeedy. Busy day. Busy, busy day.’
‘Oh, right.’
Will turned to look out of the window once more.
Bella stopped the car outside Will’s house and kept the engine running while he unloaded his bag from the boot.
‘Well then,’ she said.
‘Bella? Could you park the car and come in for a minute?’
‘I’m really tired.’
‘Aren’t we all? Just for a minute. I want to talk to you.’
‘Why? Not if you’re going to tell me off. You’re doing your schoolmaster voice.’
‘Give it a rest.’ Will let out a breath. ‘Right.’ He got back into the car and slammed the door.
Bella sat facing straight ahead like a passenger on a bus, feeling his eyes on her.
‘Hello?’ Will ducked his head from side to side to try to make eye contact. ‘Hello? Am I going to get any response or what? It’s like you’re not even here. You’ve gone off to Kreuzer Dreamworld again, haven’t you?’
Anger rose inside her, bubbling up through her body like boiling milk, threatening to spill over in a hiss of scalding steam and acrid smells. How could he? How dare he? She wanted to let it out, scream at him, rage at him, punch him as hard as she could. She dug her fingernails into her hands, felt her fury wind tight as a spring, coiling around her in wiry bands; she clung onto it, buckling it around her so it would hold her together.
‘Just don’t.’ She raised her hand in front of her face as if he were about to strike her.
‘Have you any idea how cold you seem when you do that? How on earth is anyone ever supposed to get close to you if you keep shutting them out?’
‘I don’t imagine anyone is supposed to get close to anyone else. You either are or you aren’t.’
‘Fine. And I never have been?’
Bella shrugged and folded her arms.
‘Right. No need to put up a placard. I think even thicko Will has finally got the message.’ He fumbled for the door-handle. ‘I love you to pieces. You know I do. But I can’t—’
She could see him trying to swallow.
‘Whatever.’ He clenched and unclenched his hands. ‘Why didn’t you just say you didn’t love me? Is it so hard? Will, I don’t love you, please go away. There. I feel like – I don’t know. Jesus. I—’ He ran his fingers through his hair and was silent for a moment. ‘It’s Patrick, isn’t it? You’re still in love with him. And how the fuck is anyone supposed to compete with a dead guy on a fucking ginormous pedestal?’
Bella held herself still as he opened the car door. A wall of cold air hit her, surrounding her. She felt it was coating her, pouring over her like chilled liquid glass, sealing her in.
‘I do love you,’ she spoke quietly.
‘Well, feel free to have mentioned it before now. Or had you signed the Official Secrets Act?’
The touch of his lips briefly brushing her hair.
‘Take care of yourself,’ he said, without turning round.
The door clunked firmly behind him. And then there was nothing, only the almost-silence of air prickling in her ears and his footsteps walking away.