Chapter Five

Four Keys to Raising a Joyous HSC

Self-esteem, Shame Reduction, Wise Discipline, and Knowing How to Discuss Sensitivity

This chapter begins by discussing how to raise your child’s self-esteem, along with why this is a special concern with HSCs. Then we discuss shame, a distinct emotion that HSCs are especially prone to feel. Third, you will learn the latest ideas about how to discipline HSCs so that they learn and change without being crushed. Finally, you will learn how to speak about your HSC’s sensitivity to relatives, friends, teachers, and your own child, and how to help your child reframe any negative comments he hears.

THE FIRST KEY—SELF-ESTEEM

Children’s self-esteem will fluctuate with life’s ups and downs, but it is also true that a basic positive or negative attitude about themselves does develop. When the basic attitude is negative, the ups are hardly counted and the downs seem to be the truth. If you are reading this book, you probably care enough about your child that she already feels valued and has good, solid, realistic self-esteem. But there are some reasons that it may not be as solid as it could be.

First, HSCs need to be corrected and disciplined, but unless you know how to do it properly, your child is likely to take your corrections as global messages about his worth. (Remember my description of Star the beagle and Sam the border collie in Chapter 2.) HSCs usually want to follow the rules, and when they are told they have made a mistake, they process this feedback deeply in order to avoid that mistake in the future. Remember, getting it right the first time is the essence of the survival strategy they have encoded in their genes. With too much criticism, HSCs can arrive at the conclusion that it’s best to assume they are usually wrong!

The second reason HSCs are vulnerable to low self-esteem is that they are such harsh self-critics. HSCs are acute observers and evaluators; they are born critics, in the sense of movie, book, or food critics. They are often compassionately free of judgment of those whom they perceive as needing love and acceptance. But they can be ruthless in their opinions of the human race in general, and also of themselves and those closest to them (who are almost a part of themselves and therefore expected to do their best).

Do not be confused by their ability to criticize accurately. HSCs cannot “take what they dish out.” Because HSCs process their mistakes so thoroughly, they often need no criticism at all—they punish themselves.

Third, you cannot control what is said or done to your HSC when you are not around—you can only prepare your child’s mind to interpret correctly whatever he may hear. And as I said in Chapter 2, your HSC is growing up in a larger culture that does not favor highly sensitive people. Boys in Western cultures have a particularly difficult time if they reveal their sensitivity to pain, criticism, overstimulation, or others’ feelings. But even if your child only hears positive things about being highly sensitive, she has to notice that the world is not designed with her in mind. That this seems to be normal, “just the way things are,” only adds to the unconscious sense that she is out of step. Thus HSCs need extra help in developing an inner answer or antidote to the general lack of enough acknowledgment of what they need and who they are.

Finally, I have to admit that I emphasize self-esteem and shame reduction because I know how difficult these are to alter in adulthood. Almost every adult coming to me for psychotherapy is a highly sensitive person who was raised by parents or enrolled in a school (usually both) that at best largely ignored them, so that they felt unimportant or, at worst (and more often), treated them as if there was something deeply wrong with them at their core. As adults, they continue to feel deep shame. Until faced and worked through, the shame and low self-esteem can cause excruciating pain every day—as much emotional pain as the worst sort of chronic physical pain. It also keeps them from finding friends or life partners and from fully using their talents (or else they overexploit those talents in an attempt to prove their worth). Trying to change those feelings in an adult is slow work and costly. Essentially, it involves rewiring the brain. So as a parent, you want to do everything you can to wire your child’s brain right to begin with.

The Four Kinds of Self-esteem

Let’s begin with a brief course in self-esteem. Children have at least four sources of it. The first is the most important. It is the sense of being loved by one or more people simply because you exist. It has nothing to do with accomplishments. For this feeling to be solid and stable, it probably has to begin at birth or soon after and continue throughout childhood, although children will of course encounter people who do not like them or days when their parents are not feeling full of love. But if the feeling is reasonably stable, by adulthood, even if those persons who love you are not around, you can carry that sense of your basic goodness with you your entire life. It is a kind of security that causes you to expect that generally most people you like will also like you, once they get to know you. It allows you to be dependent when necessary and loving when you feel it.

The other three kinds of self-esteem have to do with abilities. There is social self-esteem—a sense of being able to make friends, say interesting things that gain the respect of strangers, and lead or speak up in a group. It begins at home, spreads to close friends, then, with practice and success, it can extend to almost any social situation. There is also physical self-esteem, a confidence about appearance and abilities, about coordination and being able to trust one’s body to learn a skill, play a game, accomplish a task, and look as good as other bodies do. And the last is intellectual self-esteem—a feeling of confidence in learning situations and that one is as good as others one’s own age in at least some areas.

At times we meet people with too much self-esteem of one or all four kinds, in that they believe they can do things without any preparation or that they will be liked even if they are careless or obnoxious. But I have never met an HSC like this. HSCs are more prone to “depressive realism”—that is, when they estimate how they will perform or what others think of them, they are like depressed people in that they are quite accurate, while most people err on the positive side.

The realism of HSCs makes sense. Realism is very important to their innate strategy of trying once and getting it right. Further, they do not like the overarousal involved in surprises, like trying a behavior and finding they cannot do it or are not liked for it. They especially do not want to assume that they are liked or loved only to be shocked and hurt by what seems to be contrary evidence. So you are not aiming to give your HSC an unrealistic, grandiose level of self-esteem, just a positive realism.

Indeed, sooner or later your HSC will develop an overly keen sense of “shadow” parts—those all-too-human impulses and desires she has banished to her unconscious in order to be a good girl. For better and worse, sensitive people are a little more conscious than others of what’s normally unconscious—the veil is thinner for them. So they rarely achieve an inflated sense of themselves for long. They know they would sometimes like to be horribly selfish or spiteful. It is your job to be sure your child can accept, and believes you can accept, those shadow parts. Your child will have to learn, very well, that having “bad” thoughts is different from doing “bad” things. To be aware of “bad” thoughts even has an advantage. It means we can keep an eye on them. They are right at the front door, knocking, not sneaking in the back.

The bottom line: Because HSCs are afraid to overestimate their abilities, virtues, or how much they are loved and lovable, you will have to be sure your child does not underestimate these either. Further, you can encourage her to overestimate just a little when it’s safe to do so. It can be a reasonable strategy to tell yourself, “I can do it!” We all need a little grandiosity to make a fast break out of the gate.

I described Chuck in Chapter 1, the nine-year-old who skis and climbs trees, but carefully. He went to his first sleepover summer camp with great hesitation. Originally he planned to spend a weekend, then he decided to risk a week. But the camp insisted on two weeks. So he decided to try it, wanting to keep up with his older brother and cousin (not HSCs), and having been assured by the camp organizers they would all sleep in the same cabin. Upon arrival, Chuck learned that he would not be with his brother and cousin. His mother worried when her son’s eyes filled with tears as he looked around the barren cabin, soon to be filled with strange boys. “Shall we go home then?” she asked him.

Suddenly his face toughened and the sensitive, realistic Chuck switched to one with more confidence, if not quite as much realism. “Nah. I only have to be in this cabin when I’m sleeping.” And so he stayed.

How to Promote Self-esteem

1. Look at yourself. HSCs do not miss much. Actions—including posture, tone of voice, and facial expression—speak louder than words to these kids. If you feel bad about yourself or them, for being sensitive or anything else, they will know. If you or your child are highly sensitive, are you proud of it? Or do you still have subtle doubts, like a fear that your child will be unhappy as an adult because of being sensitive? If you do not feel good about sensitivity, work on it. Change your views—today.

2. Words count, too. Speak admiringly of your child’s sensitivity when it comes up (but be careful not to overdo it—you don’t want to seem to “profess too much” to compensate for your secret worries). When your child needs to rest or take down time, you can connect this with something positive about the trait—“Of course you’re tired from going to the zoo; you were noticing everything!” Especially praise your HSC’s observation skills, ability to think things through, conscientiousness, creativity, intuition, and compassion. However, you want to make it clear that you do not expect these all the time. “You were noticing everything at the zoo,” not “You’re my little Sherlock Holmes, noticing everything everywhere we go.”

3. Spend time with your child. Nothing says “I like you” like wanting to be with someone. Say it, yes, but show it, too, in this way in particular. Child psychiatrist Stanley Greenspan recommends a half hour of “floor time” with your child each day, with you just hanging out, following your child’s lead. It heals all sorts of wounds, like a recent correction or moment of shame. With an HSC you will want to be sure he is ready for this much stimulating attention. A half hour might be too much, at least on some days, or a less stimulating way might be working in the same room or talking with him while you cook, clean, or drive. But when your intention is to spend time with him, let his needs decide how you do it, not yours.

4. Show respect for your child’s feelings, needs, opinions, preferences, and decisions. This should start very early. Even if you must refuse a preference or set a limit, you can respect the impulse that came from within her. It can be as simple a matter as saying, “I know you really like ice cream, but you will have to eat some of your dinner first.” Or “It makes good sense that you want to bake cookies—it sounds like fun and we would all enjoy them—but it’s ten o’clock at night and I have to get up at six and I know for a fact that it will keep me up, having you active in the kitchen until eleven or twelve.” Such acknowledgments give the desire and desirer a sense of validity in the eyes of another.

5. Help your HSC understand himself in relation to nonsensitive people. Your HSC needs to learn that many people tend to think out loud, speak “off the cuff,” and act impulsively without always meaning what they say or intending it to have such a strong effect. In doing this, you are teaching your child to mentally turn down the volume, to wear emotional earplugs. You can suggest, for example, “I wonder if he was just in a bad mood—you know how you can sometimes say things you don’t mean.” Or “Why don’t you ask her tomorrow if she really meant that?” (Asking today may stir a defensive “Of course I did.”)

At the same time, your HSC needs to know that nonsensitive people often do not “hear” very well. They do not immediately “get” hints or understand that expressions like “well . . . maybe . . . if it matters that much to you” really mean no. With non-HSCs, your child has to say things like “I want that,” “It’s my turn,” “Let’s do it my way now,” or “Stop that, I don’t like it.” This will take considerable practice, one situation at a time, focusing on one person at a time who is not hearing her.

However, if he does not manage to turn up the volume or if he feels ignored, help him not to feel victimized. Some people just do not hear soft voices. (When I’m on Long Island, where my husband teaches, I can never order a bagel sandwich with enough volume, decisiveness, and speed to please the person taking my order. I try to take the glares philosophically.)

Most important, your child has to understand that there is nothing wrong with either the HSC or non-HSC; they simply have different styles. At the same time, he can have a personal preference and can even choose to express it: “To me it seems rude when you talk like that.”

6. Bring up strengths when your child mentions a weakness. When your HSC brings up a weakness or failing, start, please, by honoring the feeling: “I can see how you must be terribly disappointed with yourself for striking out twice today.” But then mention a similar countering instance: “But I see it a bit differently, since just last week you hit a home run.” Or “No, baseball does not seem to be your sport, but then, I know how much you enjoy gymnastics and how good you are at it.” Or “No, sports are not your strong suit, but I do think you draw better than almost any kid your age. I wonder if Van Gogh could play soccer very well?”

Do not persist or get into an argument. Just mention it as your own view. And do not exaggerate abilities. This will only undermine the credibility of future praise.

This tactic of bringing up a success to match a failure is important for wiring your child’s brain for self-esteem. Research finds that we can store our self-relevant memories using one of two “filing systems.” People with low self-esteem and depression tend to have all their negative traits in the same file, so that when one memory of a failure or weakness comes to mind, they all do. In contrast, others have a value-neutral system. They have all their experiences and self-attitudes relevant to, say, sports in one file, academics in another, social life in another. Strengths and weaknesses are found together under a topic.

How do files develop that strong good-or-bad-me organization that we do not want? Partly it comes from parents and peers who make blanket-statement “filing labels.” “You are a bad child.” Now all the bad things your HSC has ever done can be reprocessed under that. Your child thinks, “Oh yes, I did that and that and that.” Or “You are my little angel.” All the good things go there. So you should try to avoid these kinds of valuing global statements and try to counteract them when your child uses them, as in the example of countering the strikeout experience with a reminder of last week’s home run. Your child may say you are “just making excuses for me,” but if the excuses are valid, they will be absorbed.

THE SECOND KEY—REDUCING SHAME

The second key to raising a joyous, confident HSC is avoiding shame-proneness. Shame is much more than the absence of self-esteem. Shame—and guilt, its gentler cousin—are powerful built-in “self-conscious” emotions (like pride). Psychologists distinguish them in this way: While guilt focuses on particular misdeeds and, often, on what can be done to amend them, shame is a feeling that the entire self is bad. Thus, when one feels guilty, one assumes an active self that can do something wrong and make it right; being shamed, one assumes one is passive or helpless. When feeling guilty, people tend to engage rather than withdraw, trying to make amends or at least defend themselves. When ashamed, people hang their head or avert their eyes, withdrawing, slumping, and looking small, indicating submission or just wishing they could disappear. It feels terrible.

No one feels shame or guilt all the time. But they can become almost like a personality trait, in that some people become shame or guilt prone, much as people become anxious or shy by nature. Shame, guilt, shyness, or anxiety are things anyone can feel sometimes, but some people feel them almost all the time.

A Word in Defense of Shame

I do not want to give a culturally biased view of shame, however. In more communal cultures, such as China and Japan, shame is a bit more common and expected. In these cultures, shame serves to keep people engaged with each other, doing the right thing. Interestingly, researchers have found that in Japan, shame, and also self-esteem and pride, depend more on what others think than they do in the United States, where it is considered a virtue to stick to one’s view of oneself and not be overly swayed by others. Because others’ views are not taken into account, people in the United States tend to have unrealistically high or low self-esteem. The Japanese have less variation in these feelings because they tend to carefully observe others’ reactions, reflect, and then base their view of themselves on that—sound familiar? No wonder sensitive people tell me they feel at home in Japanese culture!

In cultures where children are raised to be highly independent, to feel shame is, in itself, shameful. So when HSCs feel ashamed, they also have to feel ashamed of feeling ashamed. Yet shame forces us to see the deeper implications of our actions. Moments of spontaneous shame—those not wrongly induced by others but arising from seeing the effect of how we have behaved—are those moments when we really see that we are way, way off-track. HSCs will feel this spontaneous shame very readily. It is part of how they learn, because shame is a powerful way to prevent transgressing in a similar way in the future. For example, once they feel ashamed of stealing from a store (something most kids try), they know they are not the sort of person who steals, and they can feel very virtuous and secure that they will never experience that particular shame again. HSCs love that feeling.

Having been fair to shame, I must now restate that the feeling of shame is just very, very distressing. A little goes a long way with an HSC. In its essence, the feeling is “I am no good.” Shaming as a method of correcting an HSC is the sledgehammer method of putting in a thumbtack.

When very intense, shame can create a kind of frantic state of hostility—toward others or toward oneself. One time when you might find HSCs becoming explosively angry is when they feel shamed and cannot bear it. In most studies comparing the shame-prone and guilt-prone, the shame-prone were far more likely to be hostile, violent, and unempathic. They feel backed into a corner where, like Macbeth, they must live with a sense of unbearable badness. With HSCs, we can be certain that most of this shame-based, frantic attacking will be directed toward the self.

So here are ways to avoid shame.

Avoiding Shame-Proneness

Because shame is more than merely the opposite of high self-esteem, avoiding shame-proneness in your child requires a few extra cautions.

1. Do not go to the other extreme and fail to correct your HSC. First, a research study by psychologists Tamara Gerguson and Hedy Stegge looked at exactly what creates shame-proneness in children. They found that the worst cases were not caused by harsh discipline but by a total lack of discipline. In these families, parents had given the child the sense that nothing he or she did could ever be right, so discipline was not an issue. The child felt beyond redemption. We can imagine how having an HSC could be a disappointment to some parents, and if the parents decided it was innate and undesirable, they might not try to change anything in their “hopeless” child, so of course that child would feel deep shame. We will talk more about discipline in the next section, but the message here is, even a fumbling style of trying to change and correct an HSC communicates more caring than something that would appear like you have given up.

2. Again, look at yourself. Many people were raised by parents who used shaming as the method of discipline. “You idiot, look what you did!” “Can’t you do anything right?” “You always spill your milk.” “You disgust me.” “What will people think?” It’s amazing how often we find ourselves repeating the words of our parents even when we know how hurtful they were to us. Become as conscious as you can of your own proneness to feel shame and don’t shame your children as you were shamed. Habits can be changed.

3. Do not emphasize what you expect your HSC to achieve. A little of this type of encouragement implies that you see your child as competent. But if you have a tendency to go overboard, it’s best for you not to expect anything in particular. Try to enjoy your child from day to day, without thoughts of what he can do or bring you in the future. Help your child imagine a life that will be successful on his terms. I often see sensitive adults who went out of their way to become what their parents wanted, only to find it was not what they wanted or what was right for their temperament. So they fail, or begin to anticipate failure, or see that they have to start all over at a later age in order to find their true vocation. Not “measuring up” leaves a deep sense of shame.

When the subject turns to “what will I be when I grow up,” discuss what she would enjoy, what she would like to achieve, what would be the advantages and disadvantages for her of the different lifestyles—that is, discuss this topic as even-handedly as you can, putting your own hopes aside.

4. Be careful of comparisons between kids. As I said in the last chapter, siblings are often strikingly different. Unless you can fully convey that one is as good as the other in your eyes, be cautious about speaking in generalities about these differences. Focus on each child’s strengths or do not compare them.

Comparing your child with his friends can be validating or shaming. Shaming: “Why can’t you just stand up and give a little talk to your class like Sean can?” Validating: “Sean can give a speech more easily than you can right now, but you’re the one getting A’s on all your written work.”

5. Look at your teasing behaviors. Some people grew up in a family of teasers and claim that it was just their way of showing love and humor. But often teasing is a way to give covert hostile messages in a seemingly lighthearted way. These are almost always shaming characterizations, like “Oh good, John’s cooking—the dogs will eat well, and then we get to order take-out after he goes to bed.” HSCs will not be fooled. Do not tease unless you are sure your child will take it as gentle, loving, witty fun that he is free to return.

6. Make sure your child doesn’t feel as if she’s the cause of any family troubles. Young children in particular are known to use self-centered thinking, assuming “Mom and Dad fought and now they’re divorcing because I’m such a difficult child,” or “My sister got so sick because I was mad at her and wanted her to die.” In a weird way, children feel better and more in control of these events by feeling they have caused them, especially when the only alternative they can imagine is that bad things, like serious illness, can just happen, or people who say they love you can still do something like divorcing, which hurts you terribly. So talk actively with your child about her understandings of what caused any troubles that are happening, and be ready with a good explanation that is age appropriate and reasonably comforting.

THE THIRD KEY—WISE DISCIPLINE

Psychologists have studied with great interest the question of how to raise children with a strong sense of right and wrong, since the outcome greatly affects society. Graznya Kochanska at the University of Iowa is one of the leaders in this work, and not surprisingly, she has discovered that different methods work differently with different temperaments. But first, let’s take a look at some of the general principles.

The goal is for morals to be inner reasons for not doing something, not merely the fear of being caught. Morals that arise from inside are said to be internalized, as when a child does not steal because “it is wrong.” If asked why, he would say, “That’s how I was raised,” or “my religion says so,” or “it would be terrible if everyone constantly took each other’s things.” (It would require a huge police force and a lot of security alarms to stop thefts if morals were not internalized and most people were only afraid of being apprehended.)

Kochanska and others have noted that morals seem to begin rather naturally in a loving child-caregiver relationship. Infants enjoy sharing and are bothered by making their caregiver unhappy—there is a natural “mutual responsiveness” in us as social animals. But eventually caregivers also start to prohibit certain behaviors. These moments upset the child, disturbing the harmony between child and caregiver and creating conflict between two motivations—to please the other and to have one’s own way. So the child is aroused, distressed, and the conflict plays out in one way or another. If all goes well, around three years of age, children begin to accept their parent’s point of view and make it their own. They both want to maintain the loving harmony and also now remember and make as their own the reasons why they should obey—for example, it’s dangerous or upsets or displeases someone else. Their reason to not have their own way is now “internalized.” A child may even say to herself, “I better not touch that, Mommy said it could break.”

Now, here it becomes interesting. Research has found that values are internalized best when a child is neither over- nor underaroused. You need to have your child’s attention, but not have her scared stiff. If children are underaroused when corrected, they more or less say “ho hum” and go on as before. We have all seen kids do this, especially when a parent repeats an order over and over without enforcing it. At the other extreme, when children are overaroused, they start to avoid the particular situation (and the person who punished them), but they will not be able to remember why they ought to obey, what was their parent’s viewpoint. (For example, I recall very well the only time I was spanked as a child, but I have no memory of the moral lesson being taught, or even what I did to deserve it. I just remember the terror and humiliation.)

If a child is in a comfortable, alert state of arousal, he hears reasons for obeying that actually provide important information about how to live with others. “Don’t yell or you’ll wake Daddy.” “When you kick Annie, it hurts her.” “Kids don’t like kids who bite.” And with an older child, “I know some kids cheat, but besides damaging their own character and no longer being able to see themselves as honest, they are also harming things for everybody because grades become less meaningful and there is no way to know who needs more help and who should be advanced.”

HSCs as Natural “Internalizers”

Armed with this research, Graznya Kochanska became interested in how temperament would affect moral learning. In experiments with very young HSCs, she found they were much more likely than non-HSCs to already have internalized morals. When alone, with no risk of any external punishment, they were significantly less likely to do things their parents had told them not to do. She suspected that this was partly due to their tendency to avoid risking criticism or punishment, but also their greater ability to notice what is happening, reflect, and inhibit their behavior.

For example, Kochanska observed which two- and three-year-olds simply noticed, when shown a flawed object, that it was in fact flawed. These children were also more interested in and concerned about the flaw. Then, on another occasion, she brought all the children back and found that these more observant, sensitive children were also the ones most upset when the situation was contrived so that while handling an object they damaged it—broke a doll, stained a shirt.

Kochanska also set up experiments with older children—five-year-olds—in which a child could break rules, cheat, and be selfish without risk of being caught. The HSCs were much less likely to do these, but at age five this was true only if they had had the gentle moral teaching described above, so that they had not been overaroused when they were corrected.

The parents I interviewed seemed to have already done Kochanska’s research on their own, given that they all made her recommendation: Keep it gentle! No spanking, no shaming, no withdrawal of love or isolating. Just a change in your tone of voice is noticed and distressing to an HSC.

Parents agreed that HSCs do make mistakes; they do break the rules (at home far more than at school). But they are usually very upset later, so they almost punish themselves with their regret. A talk about it is usually enough, parents said. Some did occasionally escalate the punishment to get their child’s attention—they would impose a time out or take away a privilege. But they realized that when their HSC was tearful, trembling, or raging in a way that is clearly out of control, these are all ways of saying “I can’t take anymore.” The research we have reviewed as well as the experience of parents is that these are not times to escalate punishments, even though some authorities might say, “Stick to your guns and administer stronger punishment.” That might work with non-HSCs, and even be important in order to gain their attention. But with HSCs, parents find that they win the battle but lose the war. The child finally stops due to being so frightened. You did get through. But he has now been truly distressed and is certainly not internalizing a lesson. Better to first calm an HSC and then decide on the right discipline. (We will talk about dealing with rages in Chapter 7.)

Parents also had other ideas for keeping overarousal around discipline to a minimum. Prevention was a large part of this: making your standards age-appropriate and clear, meeting needs before they are expressed inappropriately, and otherwise planning a bit. Let’s consider each of these.

Preventing Discipline “Events”

Consider Your Standards

As a parent, you need to have a clear standard of behavior in your family for a given age in a given situation—standards for four-year-olds in restaurants, acceptable manners when ten-year-olds meet strangers, when an apology is required, and so forth. If standards have not been made clear, especially with older children, you might want to decide on them together, as a family—whether it is okay to yell in the house, swear, call each other bad names, hit, throw things, damage each other’s property, throw food, be more than a half hour late without calling, slide down the banister, put feet on the furniture, or put the house keys anywhere but on the hook by the door! Standards arrived at together are often easier to enforce, because the child has already internalized them. But if your child is young, so that you need to be the one who sets the standards, or if that is simply your style, do be sure your standards are clear ahead of time.

It saves a lot of arguing when standards are clear in advance. You have already discussed your reasons (so the rules could be internalized while your child was calm). Hopefully you listened to whether your child found them reasonable and possible. If your child said she could wait politely for dinner if she had a snack and something to play with, you have a deal.

Do not, however, overestimate your child’s ability to keep your standards, even if they were agreed upon. Especially with precocious little HSCs and first-time parents, the HSCs may be such angels in restaurants and so adult in their thoughtfulness and good intentions, even at three, that it comes as a complete surprise when they throw a tantrum and perhaps throw something that hits mother. Because it comes as such a surprise, everyone overreacts. Mother wonders if she has been too lax and becomes a powerful, morally correct adult who must discipline a little child who somehow “didn’t know better” or “could not control herself.” The little HSC feels ashamed and angry about falling from the proud place of a miniature adult into the depths of humiliation, the role of a powerless, stupid child.

If your child begins having frequent bouts of not obeying or of emotional outbreaks such as tantrums, you may just be asking too much of him, given his age and temperament. Lower your expectations, but in a consistent way—for example, if you no longer expect your child to sit still in the waiting room without a toy to play with, do not expect it when visiting in another home either.

Remember, standards save your child trouble as well as you. For example, Chuck’s mistakes are usually things he says, especially his strong opinions. He is often right, but he has not been polite. His parents do not entirely squelch the expression of these insights, but their standards are such that they do require him to consider who is within earshot. This standard involves an important lesson for HSCs—that they cannot express everything they think and observe, but need to think whether it will be useful at that time, to that person. Otherwise, their comments will gain them enemies and little else.

Adjust the Expectations of Others, Too

If you leave your child with an adult caregiver, be certain that your standards and methods of discipline are similar. I learned the hard way to be very careful about leaving my HSC with any adult who lacked experience with children, might have forgotten what children are like, or was raised very strictly.

While I was teaching at a university, my sensitive and congenial son, then six, made a very positive impression on a reliable, pleasant college student I had had to the house several times. Since the feelings were mutual all around, I eventually asked the young man to baby-sit.

I came home to an uproar. The student declared my son was an incorrigible liar and would grow up to be a delinquent. Why? My son had not wanted to take a bath, but the student had insisted. So my son went into the bathroom, locked the door, ran the water, took off his clothes, put on his pajamas, drained the water, and came out. Not being very good at subterfuge, he did not leave a wet towel, so he was caught.

When I arrived, he was in misery, having been lectured relentlessly by the student, who had no idea about the moral loopholes that could be found by even the nicest six-year-old. From then on I made it a policy never to leave him with anyone who might expect adultlike behavior from him. I also never left him without all parties having agreed on all the details of what should happen while I was out.

Prevention Through Understanding and Good Planning

Some parents also pointed out that considering what caused your HSC to break a rule can be valuable, even if you have to be consistent and have some consequence for that particular episode. For example, Randall’s mother noticed that most of his misbehaving was due to inequities he perceived between how he and his sister were treated. This drew his mother’s attention to the fact that she sometimes understands and sympathizes more with her daughter, who has a temperament more like her own. As she worked on her role in the root cause of Randall’s misbehaving, it decreased.

Melissa usually gets in trouble by being stubborn about what she needs. Her parents can often avoid these scenes by simply supplying a coat, a snack, or a break. Given what you know about your child, anticipating her needs is simply being polite—meeting one of your own standards. You know now that HSCs are troubled by discomforts sooner, “lose it” sooner, and cannot obey at such times because they are so uncomfortable or overwhelmed, hungry or tired, ashamed or frustrated. Preventing these states is not “caving in” but simply meeting needs that are reasonable for this child.

I also think it is fine to use humor and distractions to see that your standards are maintained. Put away the favorite toys before other children arrive. Sing a silly song when the walk back to the car is creating some whining. None of this diminishes the fact that your child can share with other children or walk quietly when that is required.

Finally, warnings help HSCs with transitions, the point where they are most likely to be difficult. Just see that your limit is maintained. “In five minutes it will be time to jump into bed!” (Do not add five more minutes after that.)

Transitions are also easier if they are steps in a routine, not sudden orders that are likely to be frustrating and disobeyed or countered with an argument. It is so easy and unhelpful to say, “So that’s the end of the story—get into bed and put out the light.” When you meet resistance, it is easy to say, “No arguments. You always try that and it isn’t going to work”—all of which creates more bad feelings and soon escalates to the need for a punishment. Instead, try, “So let’s see, you have put on your pajamas, brushed your teeth, I read a story, and now what do we do? I believe you get into bed and put out the light. That’s our routine, isn’t it?” If your child wants more reading, instead of giving an order, try saying, “Tomorrow afternoon we can read more stories, but it’s only one story at bedtime.”

The Basic Steps of Correcting an HSC

I make a distinction between correction and discipline. If a behavior changes when you correct it or your child seems to intend not to do the behavior again, perhaps there is no need for discipline or punishment. The following steps usually suffice when an HSC has broken a rule or failed to meet your standards of behavior.

1. Consider the state of arousal of your child and yourself. If one or both of you are overaroused, calm yourself, then calm the child. If you do not regain control of yourself first, you cannot help your child regain control. If your HSC is frightened of what you may do as punishment, be reassuring. “We’ll work this out, don’t worry.” With an overaroused HSC, do not up the arousal with statements like “Wait until I get you home!”

When children are quite overaroused, it may require twenty minutes or more for them to return to normal. To switch off your child’s state of threat, go to another room together. Sit if you were standing, or lie down together on the bed. Or go outside and sit on the porch together. Take a walk together. You can even make going to this locale a ritual, as long as nothing too upsetting happens in your “talking place.”

In the example of my son’s fake bath, he was so obviously upset by the baby-sitter’s lectures that I first calmed him down, assuring him that I was interested in hearing what happened, not just punishing him. I did a few other chores first, watching to see if he was becoming more or less anxious because of this waiting. He did calm down.

2. Listen and empathize. HSCs need to feel heard, as they often have deep feelings or good reasons for what they were doing and they are unusually disillusioned by injustice. Getting an accurate statement of your child’s feelings and viewpoint will help both of you decide what to do at step four.

Returning to the fake-bath example, when my son had given me his version of the story, I let him know I had heard it. “I understand how unreasonable it seemed to you to be told to take a bath when you didn’t think you needed one because you took one this morning. You and I should have decided on this before I left. I apologize for not doing that.”

Remember, listening means refraining from oversimplifications such as “You just didn’t want to take a bath, did you?”; simple, obvious conclusions such as “So you lied to the baby-sitter”; and global labels such as “Why are you always such a troublemaker?”

What if I had heard a lame defense, such as “I was just having fun with him”? In such cases, you can probe further, or you can take that at face value and go on with setting your standards. But when a child is making excuses, it is being done to avoid being shamed and punished, so do not corner your child into any more lies.

If a child begins with what you think is a lie—“I didn’t do it, I took the bath, he’s the one who lied”—I would avoid trying to find out the “truth” and making him wrong. Perhaps say, “I guess I don’t know whether to believe you or the baby-sitter. For us to trust each other, we need to tell each other the truth, and I know you do that as much as you can. When you can’t, I hope you can tell me, at the time or later, what made it so difficult.”

3. Restate your standards and, if your child is old enough, your reason for them. “When we are mad, we often feel like hitting. But we don’t do it because we don’t want to be afraid of each other or to give each other the idea that we really, really want to hurt anyone.”

Returning to the bath example, I would say, “Whatever happened tonight, I do expect you to obey a baby-sitter and to be truthful. Even though I pay the person, the sitter is a guest in our house and should not have to deal with dishonesty or hassles. And I would worry if I thought you wouldn’t follow this person’s orders, because in an emergency a grown-up would usually know what to do better than you would.”

4. Decide whether there should be further consequences. Is some reparation required, such as an apology? Is this a repeating problem with no good reason behind it, suggesting that your child has not been sufficiently aroused to internalize this behavior? Then you can decide together on a consequence for next time (and you must apply it consistently). Next time you can remind your child of this consequence and the thought of it should raise her arousal and remind her of your discussion.

In the case of the fake bath, I did not ask for an apology to the baby-sitter. I was too angry with him myself!

5. State what your child can do in the future. This leaves him with a sense of hope and a healthy alternative for the impulse. “When you’re angry with me, you can tell me you want to hit me. Or you can hit something like this pillow and tell me it is supposed to be me.”

In the bath example, these days I would probably suggest calling me on my cell phone if he and a sitter had a serious conflict. In those days I would have said, “We need to do it differently next time, don’t we?” I would suggest that my son, myself, and the evening’s baby-sitter all talk together about how the two should spend the evening and what is the bedtime routine for that night. Then I would listen to his ideas. I would also say, “If you really don’t like what a baby-sitter has done, we’ll discuss it when I come home and perhaps not invite that person again.” If anything like this happens again, I can remind him of this agreement, and he can tell me why he did not stick to our plan.

I would end with a strong request that he let me know if a sitter upset him in any way. Obviously you don’t want to encourage “telling tales,” but one parent told me that her HSC had been hit by a baby-sitter and the little girl had not said anything because she wanted to be good.

Some Additional Points

Two other points to keep in mind when correcting your HSC. First, of course, you must adjust for the age of the child and situation. With younger children or when you must act quickly, you keep it simpler. After you have grabbed your child from the street, you say, “I know you like to run ahead, but you must stop when I shout ‘stop’ because I know when it is safe to cross. Now you can run.” (Notice how even this includes most of the steps I described.)

To a young child you keep it very simple: “I know you would like to have all the toys, but you must let Jim have one toy because people share with their guests and friends.” And to a ten-year-old in a tight spot you might whisper, “I know you’re upset and don’t want to, but you will now thank grandmother for the nice dinner. Then you can go to the car and we can discuss this on the way home if you want.”

Second, do not forget our discussion of shame and that in even a very young HSC the idea of having to be corrected at all can bring shame. To ease the sense of being basically terrible, you can say something like, “Don’t worry, Cindy, we all make mistakes.” Or “I know you were tired and didn’t like those kids much. I’ve often seen you share your toys, so this was just one of those days.”

When You Finally Have to Use Real Discipline

1. Keep “consequences” short, mild, and related to the behavior. “If you kick again, you will have to sit over there in a chair farther from the rest of us.” But watch for a shame or terror reaction and adjust the punishment accordingly. “All right, let’s bring that chair closer—just a kick-length away. Okay?”

One mother of an HSC sent her three-year-old to her room only once—“Never again, she was so hysterical.” And in the year since then this little girl has never disobeyed enough to require any punishment at all. So remember, use discipline (punishment) sparingly. The aforementioned methods of correction—reminders and renegotiations of standards—is often enough.

2. Be consistent—unpredictable punishment creates additional anxiety in HSCs. If you have said no kicking and your child kicks again, you must remove him to the chair you have indicated. Do not keep repeating the warning. If he will not move, state a new consequence. “If you do not do what I ask, I will have to take you out of here.” You go outside and do the steps above: listen and empathize, restate your standards (now it’s obeying you) and reasons, decide on the consequences, and remind your child of what he can do instead.

If your child is still throwing a fit, it may be that she cannot help it—she’s too overwhelmed by fatigue or some emotion. We will discuss this more in Chapter 7, but the basic idea is to connect with your child: hold her, calm her, try to put into words what’s going on. Then try to reach a neutral solution, one in which neither you nor she wins, but your standards are restated and the resolution is delayed until later. And do discuss later what happened and what the two of you will do if it happens again. Do not let it go.

If you find yourself in “power plays” with your HSC, figure out why. HSCs can be clever, subtle adversaries. That does not mean they are “sly” or “evil.” (It does mean that they can be good at chess.) You just have to find out what is really going on. For example, we found that our son would develop a real or feigned liking for any punishment we could devise. “Good, I want to go to my room.” Or “Fine, I didn’t want to see that movie anyway.” We figured out that he was trying to regain some power and pride, since our punishment put us in the position of seeming to have all the power, all the mature authority. So we were consistent and carried out the “ineffective” punishment, then later on spent time with him in an intellectual discussion or board game in which he felt like an equal again—or even better than us. (This time we spent with him was the equivalent of Stanley Greenspan’s “floor time.” Greenspan recommends a half hour a day with a child doing whatever she wants. With a younger child especially, this should be down on the floor at her level, with her toys. Besides giving children the attention they need, it is an excellent way to restore security and self-esteem after a punishment.)

3. With an older child, if the behavior is not going away, try to explore why with your child. Do this at a time when it has not recently happened. Begin very gently. “You often have such interesting things to say, so I do understand somewhat, but why do you suppose you sometimes interrupt me when you want to speak?” In this case, you may hear that you never stop talking and decide to change your ways, not your child’s. Or you may discuss the role of fatigue or overarousal in creating this behavior. After that, the two of you can decide together on the best way to change the behavior. Would it help to be reminded? What phrase would be best? Would it help to have consequences for forgetting?

When Your HSC Lies or Steals (It Will Happen)

Do not automatically use a major punishment. You want the lesson remembered, not the punishment. If your child is already overaroused and ashamed, take it easy. Thank him for telling the truth, whenever this finally happens, even after you caught him in the lie. Talk about how we all make mistakes, and a time you lied or stole as a child. When your child is feeling calmer, you can talk about how a family or society is deeply damaged when no one can trust each other. Tell about the temptations adults have, like hitting a parked car and not leaving a note or cheating on taxes, but that the money saved is nothing compared to the damage to your character and being able to think about yourself as a person with integrity.

Do not set up a situation where your child is forced to lie to avoid being punished or shamed. Do not ask, “Did you take the cookies?” Instead say, “Some cookies are missing since an hour ago and I think you’re the only one who was in the kitchen. You know I didn’t want you to have them, so what shall we do so that you are not tempted to take things I have asked you not to take?” With HSCs, it may be better not even to use the words lie or steal.

4. And of course, none of this helps if you do not model truthfulness yourself. For example, do not encourage a child to lie about his or her age in order to receive a lower price or have your child lie when answering the phone, saying you’re not there.

When Conflicts Escalate

Let’s face it. Sometimes things get out of hand. We call it a tantrum at two (discussed in Chapter 7), but rages can happen at any age. Many HSCs are “explosive” in that they are easily overwhelmed, shamed, or outraged by the overarousal involved in being corrected or by what they see as unfairness. Even if they do not rage, they may defend themselves with a stream of subtle, good, and not-so-good reasons why you are wrong and they are right. What do you do?

First, read “Dealing with Intense Emotions” in Chapter 7—much of it applies to any age child. There I emphasize staying calm, empathizing, but sticking to your standards. To stay calm, you may need a time out as much as your HSC. Silence in the same room may be better than isolation, especially for a small child. Agree to speak or come back together in a certain amount of minutes—twenty is optimal. Emphasize that this is not a punishment; you can even put on the TV or radio to distract your child while one or both of you settle down. Just say you know things will go better when the two of you are calmer.

When things are less tense try to return to a respectful, rational discussion. Remember, feelings and preferences are never wrong—it is how we behave, express them, or always insist on our own way that can be wrong. Say, “I see that you don’t like it. Can you tell me why?” “If you don’t like going to guitar lessons, are there any lessons you would rather be taking?” Or “You used to like the lessons. Can you tell me what you don’t like about them now? Has something changed? Maybe we can speak to the teacher or find another one.”

And give options that signal equality. “I did not mean to offend you, so I would like you to tell me your likes and dislikes in a calm, grown-up way. I promise to listen and we’ll find a solution.”

Try to negotiate reasonable limits and duties that your child agrees upon and what the consequences will be when he crosses the line or fails to keep an agreement. Do not decide on a consequence on your own during a heated fight. Discuss it later, in the context of making a happier family, developing good character, and building a trust that each of you will keep agreements and not cross important boundaries. It is often an excellent strategy to bring up a behavior you want to change in yourself, or that your child would like you to change, such as no longer shouting when you are angry. Then ask your child to help you set limits on that and what consequences you will accept if you fail. Then it is not so much a child being punished by an adult as it is a method of behavior change any two people can employ.

Preventing the Reasons for Rage

The first rule is to respect your child’s wishes when you can, so she will respect yours when you must insist. Deliberate the pros and cons from both of your perspectives, and do it out loud so she can hear how such conflicts ought to be resolved. For example, “I can see you don’t want to play the piano for our company, and although I would like it, since you would not, I think that’s all right with me.”

Give your HSC responsibility for finding what works, since sometimes nothing will ever feel right. “I know you hate to shop, but I think you will probably agree that you need to come along so that when I exchange this shirt you can pick out one you like better. Would you get back to me soon about when we can have a shopping date?”

Finally, hand over responsibility at as early an age as possible, especially when real life will deliver the consequences anyway—for example, the consequences of not getting enough sleep, forgetting to hand in assignments, or not having lunch money or clean clothes ready for school.

Things to Avoid

As a reminder, here are a few mistakes to avoid when disciplining, dealing with lying or stealing, or involved in a heated conflict:

1. Stay out of the heat of the fight. You have to be gentle, strong, and firm. If you are in a public place or someone’s home, remove yourselves to a quiet, private space. Again (I can’t say it too often), calm yourself and then your child. Do not try to discuss the issue until the storm has passed.

2. Do not threaten to withdraw love (“Mommy and Daddy won’t love you anymore if you do that”).

3. Do not make global, irreversible threats. (“No one will like you if you do that”; “God will punish you by sending you to hell if you do that.”) Such threats have ruined HSCs for life.

4. Do not make threats of, or actually use, emotional or physical violence. By violence I mean anything intended to hurt the child, such as “You stupid idiot” or a blow to the body.

5. Do not give HSCs global instructions like “be good when you visit their house” or “watch where you’re going.” They may take you literally and try to do these things all the time, or feel anxious because they cannot.

6. Do not bring up temperament during conflicts. Focus on the issue and the behavior. Do not say, “There you go being highly sensitive again,” but rather “You really don’t like that taste, do you? But I need you to take the medicine. Do you think it would help if we mixed it with something you like?”

7. Do not let your HSC use his sensitivity as a way to manipulate others. This is tricky. No one manipulates without a reason. And it’s usually an attempt to avoid effort, punishment, guilt, powerlessness, or shame. But a feeling that is being feigned or exaggerated is different from a “real one,” and you can usually sense it. What you want to uncover if you can is the feeling behind it. “All this nausea and disgust about your dinner when I’m leaving . . . are you afraid of something?”

If you can’t find the underlying reason for the exaggeration or manipulation, stay focused on the behavior you want and the standards that have to be followed right now—standards that should already be familiar to your child. “I know you want that toy so badly that you think you’re going to die, but we agreed we were only going to buy a gift for the birthday party. So right now we have to do that. You can be quiet and stay with me or return to the car and when I get there we can discuss how bad you are feeling.”

If you are sympathetic and take your child’s statement seriously, chances are he will admit later that the “disgusting” dinner or the “death threats” were only a way to express how bad he felt. Explain that there are other ways, and that it is your experience that these tactics (which you have used yourself at times) lead others to mistrust your words or to feel their sympathies preyed upon.

THE FOURTH KEY—KNOWING HOW TO DISCUSS SENSITIVITY

Many parents wonder whether to discuss with their HSC this trait of sensitivity with which their child was born. They often worry that a child will feel different or even flawed. My answer is that I believe all HSCs notice sooner or later that they are different. What you supply is a positive view of it and only the details that your child needs at the time. For example, you do not have to say it is innate unless your child is curious about that or it would help in explaining the trait to refer to sensitive relatives whom your child admires. You can minimize the importance of the trait in your child’s life if she seems to see it as a huge problem, and expand on it if, for example, she is wrongly attributing her difficulties in certain situations to not being good enough or not trying hard enough when it is really a problem of being overaroused.

If you want, you can wait until the whole subject comes up naturally. The only problem with that approach is that you may want to discuss your child’s trait with teachers or other caregivers. If you do this without talking it over first with your child, he will usually sense that you are having special discussions about him, even if these happen out of earshot. Those you have spoken to may mention it or simply change their behavior toward the child. Then he may imagine the worst—that you are trying to get him help because something is wrong with him. Or he may simply experience you as not trustworthy because you have discussed his private life behind his back.

How to Discuss Sensitivity with Your Child

Assuming you are going to discuss the trait someday, here are my suggestions.

1. Any discussion of temperament has to be adjusted to a child’s age. Do not try to explain temperament in ways that might confuse or upset a young child, such as “You were born with a personality like Aunt Marilyn’s.” He may not like Aunt Marilyn, or even if he does, “personality” is not a word young children understand as you do—for example, that you mean some qualities are shared with her, some are not.

2. Be clear that your child is not alone in being highly sensitive, that many others are, too. “You like it quiet. You always did. You were just born that way. My brother, your uncle Joe, is the same way. Lot’s of people are.”

3. Explain that everyone has a few temperament traits that stand out, although it may be better to speak of people in general than to start labeling people you know. “Have you ever noticed how some people seem to have just been born with a hot temper? Others are always good-natured. You were born sensitive to things. Others just weren’t.”

4. When a difficulty arises due to the trait, focus at the time on the solution, not the trait itself. For example, you might say, “We should have brought along an extra sweater.” But do not say at this time “since the cold bothers you so much because you are highly sensitive.” You do not want the trait associated with every problem or discomfort that comes up.

5. When a crisis demands your child’s best effort, do not bring up the trait as a reason for not succeeding. Do not say, “Of course you’re upset about this rejection—you’re very sensitive.” When in the thick of it, it is usually better to stick to relevant specifics so your child can learn to focus on the situation and self-regulate rather than having a global expectation that she cannot cope. Say, “I see you’re angry about how they have treated you. What happened? What do you think you should do? What can you do next time to make things different?”

6. Do not use the trait as a weapon during conflicts with your child. “You can’t go—you know you’ll get too excited.” Or worse, “There you go again, being overly sensitive.”

7. If your child complains about being too sensitive, bring up an example of a time it was an advantage. “I know it annoys you that you can’t yet play your violin in front of an audience as easily as Paul does, but remember how your teacher praises you for playing ‘so sensitively.’ It’s that same sensitivity that makes you so aware of the audience.”

8. Be clear about the ways in which you think your child can change, the ways he probably cannot. “I am sure that if you play in front of audiences more, you will relax more. You may never be as relaxed as Paul, but you may find you enjoy it sometimes, or even quite a bit, once the audience seems more like a group of friends you want to give your playing to.”

9. Identify people your child knows and admires who are or probably are highly sensitive. It’s always difficult to know for certain about famous people (but for starters, I suspect Tchaikovsky and Abraham Lincoln were highly sensitive). Look for cues in things you read—that someone was “thoughtful,” “shy,” or “sensitive” as a child. Collect these examples, especially those in fields your child likes, whether tennis, music, or horsemanship. Get to know who is highly sensitive among your family’s friends and relatives and point these out to your HSC, perhaps arranging conversations. An older child can benefit from a highly sensitive mentor.

Talking About Your Child’s Sensitivity with Others

When you discuss your child’s temperament with others—teachers, coaches, relatives, other parents—always think about the person you are addressing and the context in which you are speaking. Consider these questions:

• How much time do you have to state your case?

• How open is the person to new information? Are you dealing with someone who is rigid and already has “an ax to grind”?

• Do you have a right to expect a good hearing? For example, are you paying the person a fee for professional services?

• Will you have to get along with this person in the future? Are you dealing with a passing comment from a stranger? Are you in the process of deciding whether to develop the relationship?

• Does this person have any power over you or your child?

• To whom might this person repeat what you say and would it be distorted? Do you want to ask the person to keep what you say confidential, and could this person do that, given his or her own nature and professional responsibilities? (Is a school counselor obliged to tell a teacher what you say about your child?)

• Who else is present? Is there anyone there your child knows? Anyone who might misunderstand what you say or repeat it in a distorted way?

Of course, most people will be on your side and want to help. So usually your task is to tell them enough about your child, especially what works with your HSC in the situations they may encounter if they are, for example, baby-sitters, parents of your child’s friends, or relatives wanting to get to know your child better. With an older child, discuss together what information you would both like conveyed—food preferences or allergies, bedtime, quiet times, and so forth, as well as what to say, if anything, about the trait itself.

Besides telling, listen—that is, ask those who teach or care for your child how he or she solves problems that come up. People experienced with children and also experienced with your child can give you fresh ideas, as well as give you a glimpse of how your child behaves when away from you.

Your Sound Bite

When you do not know what reception you may get, but you know you have to say something about your child’s sensitivity, you need a brief statement, a “sound bite,” containing all the vital information in one sentence. You can create your own, but have it thought out in advance. Or you can use this one: “It may help you to know that my child is one of those 15 to 20 percent born with a very sensitive nervous system. He notices every subtlety, but is also easily overwhelmed when a lot is going on.” (Or “by change,” or “by pain,” or whatever might be most relevant. For even more brevity, you can leave out the percentages, but they do establish that this is relatively common and normal.)

If the person shows interest, give more details.

Your Quick Responses

You also need to think out your preferred responses to specific comments. Here are a few of the most common, along with examples of how you might handle them.

1. “Your child is so shy.”         “That’s interesting. I don’t think of her as shy at all. I guess if by shy you mean afraid of what others may think, she may seem that way, but often she’s just watching, or she’s getting used to things. When she’s ready, she warms up quite nicely. I think of her as being highly sensitive, attuned to everything, not shy.”

If your child truly is shy, but also sensitive, you can say, “Yes, he’s very aware of what others may be thinking about him, but once he feels at home with you (or here) and knows you (others) like him, he will be fine.” (In other words, “your judgment will not help the situation.”)

2. “Your child is so sensitive” or “overly sensitive.”         “I rather like her sensitivity. Is there a specific thing she’s doing that is a problem for you?”

3. “What’s the matter with him? All children (ought to) like . . .”         “Actually, research finds” (use that phrase only if it seems helpful) “that children vary considerably in what they like to eat” (or “wear,” “do for fun,” “do during the summer,” “in how stimulating and busy they like things to be,” or whatever applies). “It all depends on their innate personalities.”

4. General rude pushiness.         Keep the following phrases handy: “No, my child does not wish to do that.” “This is not helping her/us.” “That does not work for him/us.” Do not offer any further explanation. Nothing more is required. You have set your boundary. Stick to it.

Handling Bigger Conflicts Around Sensitivity

If someone insists that your child is behaving “abnormally,”         speak of the assessments you have done or professional opinions you have received. For example, “Her pediatrician says her personality is quite within the normal range. She’s simply highly sensitive.” Mention the knowledge you have gained. “I have read quite a bit about the research on this and he is perfectly normal for his temperament type.” If the person pursues it, state that you’re sure he or she means well, but in fact this discussion is not helpful. Then change the subject.

If someone says one child cannot receive special treatment,         ask if that is really true. Often there is special treatment, and even laws demanding it, if a child has, for example, Attention Deficit Disorder, dyslexia, disabilities such as blindness or deafness, and so forth. Using these examples may help the person see the situation in a familiar way. Be sure to point out that your child has no disorder, but does have an innate normal variation in temperament, which means that things go smoother for everyone if your child receives just a little special treatment at first. A pediatrician or temperament counselor might even supply you with a letter or a phone call to verify your child’s trait. Also, make it clear that you are only trying to be helpful, so that the person or institution and your child will have a good experience in the long run. Mention the person or institution’s goals very specifically, not just your goal that your child not be uncomfortable. But again, make it clear that your child does not suffer from any kind of disorder or syndrome. If that assumption is likely to be made, I would avoid asking for special treatment for your HSC; it’s not worth it.

If You Don’t Speak Up

If you choose to stay quiet when someone makes an inaccurate or disparaging comment about sensitivity, be sure to explain to your child why you took that approach. For example, you might point out that some people are so opinionated on a subject they will not listen or you have another plan for handling this situation.

HEALTHY BOUNDARIES: ANOTHER WAY TO THINK ABOUT THESE FOUR KEYS TO RAISING A JOYOUS HSC

So now you have the four essentials: ways to build self-esteem, reduce shame, correct appropriately, and discuss sensitivity anywhere. Another perspective on these is to think of them as helping your child develop healthy boundaries. All HSCs need more help with boundaries than other children because they take in so much and are so sensitive to what others think, feel, and say that their own self can be overwhelmed and overlooked. Thus the idea of personal boundaries is a good metaphor to have at hand.

This metaphor comes from systems theory, which is an attempt to create ways to talk about and compare the workings of almost anything—things as different as one-celled animals, cities, computers, plants, organizations, bodies, or selves. Systems theory points out that basic to all of these is an outer boundary, marking the one system off from others like it. That boundary must let in what the system needs but keep out what would harm it.

A child needs to do the same—to feel her boundaries, to take in what is good for her and keep out what is bad for her. What is good for her is love and useful feedback, which you now know how to be certain she receives. These build self-esteem. Things bad for her are messages that something is terribly wrong with her—you now know quite a bit about avoiding chronic shame and speaking positively about sensitivity. Also bad for her are experiences that are too overwhelming for her to learn from—the kind of discipline you now know how to avoid.

All of this self-esteem, low shame-proneness, appropriate discipline, and positive understanding of sensitivity will facilitate healthy boundaries in your HSC. Your child will be comfortable being who he is, and he will be able to let in people and messages that are good for him without undo fear of being hurt, rejected, or shamed. He can keep out the bad because he will not be easily persuaded that he is wrong or does not deserve to have his own boundaries, his own opinions and needs. He will be confident in his judgment. He will feel he has the right, even the duty, to keep out the bad.

We all know children with poor boundaries, even if we have not thought of them in these terms. We can sense their poor self-esteem, because they act as if they have decided that “if no one likes me, I will have to do whatever others want to try to please them.” They will let in or do anything no matter how bad it is for them. We see children who feel so much shame that they seem to have decided “I’ll do anything to stop this pain,” even if it means letting in something bad like drugs or keeping out help because it would seem to validate their shame. Or “I would just as soon disappear, die, or become one with this other person I admire.” They would prefer to blur or obliterate entirely the boundary making them distinct from others. In all these ways, they tend to take in what is bad and keep out what is good.

But your HSC will be different. Beginning with this chapter, you are learning to help her identify what to keep in, what to keep out, guided by her pride in her unique preferences, needs, and abilities rather than shame about them. You will listen to your child’s side of the story before disciplining. You will help her say what she thinks about being highly sensitive. In all of this she will be learning how to stand up to others, even those who seem bigger and stronger. This is the kind of HSC the world needs and who can enjoy being in that world.

Applying What You Have Learned

1. Discuss your child’s trait with your child and your partner. Decide together with whom you would like to share this information and how. Ideally, it would only be with your child present. Respect her wishes but explore the reasons if she wants her sensitivity cloaked in silence. This could be an opportunity to note and remove any shame surrounding the trait. (Remember, it is neutral, with advantages and disadvantages.) Thus, in time, your child should not mind trusted others knowing about it.

2. With your child’s permission, prepare your “sound bite,” the brief statement about sensitivity, and run it by your child.

3. Think about three situations you have been in when your child’s trait came up and you wished you had had a better response; think through that response now.