Chapter Nine
School-Age HSCs at Home
Resolving Problems
This chapter helps you cope with the issues that arise with school-age HSCs (ages five to twelve) at home, especially the events that involve the most change and stimulation, such as moves and holidays. We also consider the rarer occurrence of anxiety and depression, and minimizing the overall stress level for everyone in your family, which is also one of the best ways to prevent problems with your HSC at home. Finally, we work with the more difficult HSCs, the minority—those drama queens and pint-size rebels who can be so intense, active, distracted, opinionated, fussy, and irritable that you wonder if this is normal or what further help you need.
SCHOOL AGE—THE TALENTS UNFOLD
Before plunging into potential problems, let’s again take stock of some of the joys of raising an HSC, since school age is when these come into full flower. Parents are usually thoroughly enjoying their HSC’s curiosity, creativity, and unusual insights about the world. Their child may be unfolding surprising talents in fields such as music, drawing, math, or the study of nature. Many HSCs take up “adult” endeavors such as chess or start their own tiny “business.”
For example, Nancy is not an extrovert, but when she has an idea for making money, she can seem like one. When she was seven she made popsicle-stick figures and sold them door-to-door, her mother standing out on the sidewalk. At ten, she writes stories and sells them the same way.
Increasingly, HSCs self-regulate—they pause to check, think about the consequences of their own cautiousness, and decide to go ahead in unexpected ways that solve their difficulties on their own. Catherine, who had never been away from home and does not like meeting new people, had an opportunity to go to France as an exchange student when she was in fifth grade. The few years before had been difficult for her due to ear infections that led to protracted dental work, plus poor teachers in third and fourth grade, so that she was throwing up at the thought of the dentist and was referred to a child psychologist to help her survive tests at school. Yet Catherine was adamant about going to France; she just knew she should. So her parents allowed it, and their daughter was right—the family she stayed with was wonderful. As a high school student she still sees them and has been to France three times since. It seems that even at that early age she was starting to think deeply after she paused to check, and to gain confidence about her own choices.
Parents will also begin to notice their child’s awareness of the emotional tone of the family and considerateness of others. For example, when Catherine was three, her brother was born with Down’s syndrome and other severe medical problems, so that Catherine’s mother was taking him to the doctor almost daily for several years. This affected everyone in the family, of course, but most of all the overwhelmed mother. One day, getting ready for another doctor visit, she was so exhausted that she actually could not find her young son! She sat and cried while Catherine, age five, searched for her brother, who was under the blankets in the bed. Then Catherine sat down with her mother and said, “It’s going to be okay, Mother. We’re going to be a family.” According to Mom, her daughter’s words were the turning point for her, the moment when she realized that if her daughter could be that courageous and uplifting, so could she.
But what if your HSC is more trouble than solace? No problem. You are not alone. Later in this chapter you will meet Dinah the drama queen and Chuck the pint-size rebel. Both of whom are HSCs.
YOUR SCHOOL-AGE HSC AT HOME
There are a few problems that may arise at this age that deserve mention. So we’ll start by considering the routine issues, moving on to those that are not daily matters but still common, and finally we will consider anxiety and depression, which your HSC may never develop.
Dressing, bedtime, chores, manners, and other daily practices. HSCs generally thrive on order or at least the calm that results from it. With younger school-age children you can have routines, rules, and rewards that help form good habits: “After you have gotten dressed, eaten, and done your chores, you can do whatever you want before we leave for school.” Post a list of what has to be done to be ready for school or bed, so that your child can check off each step. After a few weeks it will become habit and you only need to ask, “How are you doing on your checklist?”
Once the habits are established, as a preparation for adulthood, try to shift the responsibility of the smaller matters onto your child as soon as she can handle it (the age to begin varies with the child and the responsibility). Let your child decide what to eat, when to go to bed, what clothes to wear, and even when to wash them or put them in the wash. Then the consequences of not going to bed on time or keeping clothes neat will be taught by life, not by your lectures or discipline, which may seem arbitrary without those life lessons.
In some areas, of course, you may have valid reasons for your strong opinions and therefore strong standards. Sleep is likely to be one of these. HSCs need plenty of sleep; it is part of their down time. If you consistently find your child is not choosing to sleep enough, you may have to return to insisting on an early bedtime and wait a few years for your child to see the connection between sleep and mood.
When it comes to helping around the house, parents usually have to take a different tack. I like the method of family meetings (even for a family of two), especially when there’s an HSC in the family who needs to express himself and also find ways to compromise about the preferences of others. In these meetings, everyone agrees on what needs to be done and how the work is to be divided, and if anyone fails to fulfill his or her agreement, there are consequences agreed upon ahead of time by all, related to the failure, and mainly involving making reparations to those affected.
For example, everyone in the family can probably agree that parents are not the only ones who should have to take out the trash, which is produced by everyone, and that not taking out the trash when it’s your chore should lead to having to do it two weeks in a row. It should not lead to being grounded or no TV, especially if a parent decides that after the fact and without discussing it with the group—in that case you are teaching how to live under tyranny, not in a democratic group.
Reasonable good manners toward each other can also be agreed upon this way. If everyone in the family agrees that name calling or swearing at another family member is hurtful, a consequence might be a spoken apology and a short written note, to be read at the next family meeting, about why it happened and how the person will avoid that situation in the future. Be sure such consequences are applied to everyone, parents included.
Some issues will require lengthy negotiations and may not seem worth it—unless you consider the real learning to be gained. For example, your HSC wants a quiet house, without yelling; her brother wants to whoop it up when the mood strikes him and feels a good shouting match clears the air. What matters far more than how quiet the house will be is the opportunity for both sides to practice voicing their opinions and listening respectfully to another’s, then finding a creative, mutually satisfying solution. With this practice, conflicts can come to seem okay, or even almost good, because family members become closer in the end.
If your HSC does not keep an agreement, it may have been about a matter that was too difficult for him to adhere to. For example, fascination with a new friend or activity may suddenly be making it just too tempting to stay out past the time he was expected home. When an agreement is not kept, always ask why before imposing the consequence. Listen for the story underneath the excuses. You will still impose the consequence, but you may also agree to revise the agreement.
Fighting. This is the age when fighting among siblings and friends can reach a fever pitch. HSCs can be insightfully blunt, and when overstimulated or “pushed to the wall,” can strike out with words or blows. Be firm in keeping your standards—for example, no aggression. (I define aggression as words or deeds intended to hurt another, whereas anger is a strong message to stop hurting me. Anger establishes my boundary, “go farther and I hurt,” but aggression transgresses another’s.)
Always begin by giving the two parties, but especially your HSC, twenty minutes of down time. This is not a punishment; it is a chance to get calm and think things over. Then bring the two back together to discuss what happened. Try to role model the search for truth and justice and the desire to make amends.
Again, as I said about family disputes generally, the goal is not merely peace but that children learn the principles of negotiating and, if it comes to it, the rules of fair fighting: no name calling, no blaming, stick to the current conflict (not, “You always cheat” or “This serves you right for not doing the dishes last night.”). You calm down and then discuss the basic problem, negotiate solutions, listen to each other’s position, take turns talking, and try to get to win-win. As I discussed in Chapter 4, until they have these skills, do not abandon two children to fight it out.
Avoid saying that each is equally to blame if you do not know this. HSCs find it especially difficult to be treated unfairly by parents; they may begin to feel hopeless about being able to get help when they need it, and instead resort to submitting too much or dominating the other child. If fights happen often with a particular friend, try to find out why.
Holidays. Keep these simple and meaningful rather than major productions. Keep visitors under control—not too many, and especially not many “drop ins.” Require no more than a polite “hello” from your HSC, no matter how aggressive the guest. But encourage your child to enjoy visitors, and invite those he likes often.
Holidays are very exciting, especially if they involve gifts, costumes, or special house guests. When there is a spiritual meaning to an event, be careful not to overload your child with its significance or with too much drama or details—give her what she can appreciate this year; the rest can wait for other years. Establish family holiday rituals and routines—HSCs usually enjoy these and traditions make the unusual time of year familiar and soothing rather than just exciting. In short, your HSC will enjoy holidays more if you keep her in her optimal level of arousal by maintaining established or special holiday routines rather than making it new and exciting or increasing her anticipation of surprises and unpredictable gifts to the point that she cannot eat or sleep. It happens to HSCs easily.
Moving. Randall’s family moved when he was in first grade. At the new house, Randall kept trying to go to his old room in the old house. He wanted his new room to be exactly the same. A little boy across the street would come and ask him to play, but Randall would not go out of the house for months, and when he did he needed a certain videotape to be playing or he could not stay. (The two mothers still laugh about this.) You can imagine how much Randall was trying to keep everything the same, to control his overstimulation, in spite of a huge upheaval in his life.
I wish certain HSCs did not ever have to move. They are a bit like cats, very tied to their territory. They know every mark on the wall in the house, every tree and plant in the yard, personally. They have a feel for the neighborhood for miles around them. Moving them is like transplanting a well-rooted old tree. You do not do it lightly.
If a move is necessary, allow plenty of time for making it work for your HSC. Try to take your child many times to the new neighborhood and home. Before and after the move, take your child to places similar to those at home—similar parks, libraries, even stores. Pack your child’s room last and unpack it first. Do not throw out things now. Arrange her furniture and belongings the same as before unless she wants a change. Pack a special box of “comfort objects,” including her pillow, that can be easily found when you arrive. Let her help you pack it.
Moving day itself is stressful for everyone, so plan what will be best for all of you—to have your HSC present enough of the time to understand the reality of what is happening and maybe to participate and help, or to have him somewhere else for the actual moving day.
Throughout the move, from conception to long after it, talk about what she’s feeling, what you’re feeling. Explain that grief and regrets are absolutely normal (although you must try not to burden your HSC with too many of yours). “Even when you move from a hut to a palace, you miss the hut a little bit.” But you also want to emphasize all the pluses about the palace.
Watch your own stress level, temper, and grief. Stick to routines like family meals, story times, and time for playing catch or whatever you usually do with your child. They will help you as well as your HSC.
Anxiety, depression. It is a fact that when HSCs are under stress—such as not having a single good friend at school, living with a family member who is seriously ill, or there not being enough money because a parent cannot find a job—they are prone to develop anxiety and depression (now seen to be closely linked). Some HSCs will also sink into depression as they realize and try to cope with the terrors and griefs associated with life itself—their growing awareness of the real dangers all around us and the losses that can happen. If your child develops either anxiety or depression, do not assume it is your fault. And even if you have in some way added to your child’s stresses, you probably did not have a choice about what you did and certainly did not have a choice about having a sensitive child who would be particularly vulnerable. What matters now is how you play the hand your family has been dealt.
As we discussed in Chapter 7, fears can easily mushroom into permanent anxiety, so you want to reduce fears as much as you can. Fortunately, at this age, your child can understand much more. You can emphasize the small odds of anything dire actually happening. As for that small but real risk (remember, HSCs hate risks), one of the biggest tasks for a sensitive person is to live courageously with a full awareness of the unpleasant possibilities in life. HSCs cannot deny these as well as others can. So you must help with the courage. Do not dismiss the fears, but show how one lives with them reasonably.
At some point, your HSC may show not only unusual anxiety but depression as well, often following a period of anxiety or stress. The signs of depression are sleeplessness or sleeping all the time, lack of energy, lack of pleasure or interest in anything, loss of appetite, or, especially in children, excessive irritability, a sudden increase in misbehavior or “acting out,” or a dramatically new level of withdrawal. To qualify as depression (not merely a depressed mood), it must be present most of the day, nearly every day, for two weeks. However, a depressed person can seem fine with others. Only close family members may notice the marked change. Depression is quite common with HSCs; several parents I interviewed mentioned it. They also immediately brought up medications.
I am so glad that I did not have to raise a child when antidepressants were available. My son’s moods were intense, but we managed without. Today, parents of HSCs face tough decisions if their child develops persistent anxiety, depression, or irritability. I recommend that you become very knowledgeable about all sides of the issue before you make a decision, so that at least you will not feel misled later. Most of what doctors know about any medication comes from the companies that manufacture them, and those who manufacture medications to handle childhood behavior problems are seeing a large market unfolding. Therefore the drawbacks are often not discussed, and probably not known anyway. But no one can predict the effect of certain medications on developing minds—no children taking antidepressants (or Ritalin) have lived their life span so that they could be compared to those who did not.
Given this lack of research, and the fact that you might hear more of the pros than the cons, I would go slow and try other approaches first, such as temperament counseling for you to see if you can alleviate your child’s stress by improving the fit between your parenting and your child’s overall temperament traits. You can also visit a child psychologist by yourself or with your spouse to consider what else is happening in the family or yourself that might be affecting your child. If acting alone does not help, bring your child in for therapy, but do so only as a last resort, since at this age children have difficulty understanding why they are being treated and may feel even more anxious and depressed about whatever you seem to have begun to see as an abnormality.
Remember, too, that the short-term effects of medications can be so helpful that, while they are not exactly addicting, they can become difficult to give up because of a fear of the problem returning. So it is important to remember that most HSCs will become a little anxious or depressed at times, for short periods (less than the two-week criterion). Especially if there is an obvious reason, such as a disappointment, loss, or rejection, and if the mood does not last too long or greatly interfere with schoolwork, then it is probably better to let children learn to manage their moods without medication. Learning and doing what it takes to change one’s mood develops with practice. Without these skills, they may be taking medications for life, and we do not know the effects of that at all.
Another approach is to use a small amount of medication, bring the child to where the moods are manageable but still there (instead of the usual goal of removing all symptoms) so they can be worked with. Remember that your advice and role modeling can be the best therapy. You might try to find a professional who can coach you in teaching your child “behavior management” or “mood management.” For example, you can teach your HSC to handle a depressed or anxious mood. First acknowledge the feeling itself and express empathy. For example, “You seem a little beaten down by things today. It’s hard sometimes, isn’t it?” Then you might explore the cause if it is not obvious. “Did something upset you this evening?” Try to convey that you are not being nosy, but that understanding the source of a mood can help in finding a way to relieve it.
Once you have empathized and understood a bit, there are several actions you can teach your child to take rather than just accepting the mood passively. One is to check out the reality of the upsetting event: “Why don’t you ask your father if he’s angry with you?” Another is to think more about what happened, reframing it: “You didn’t win this time, but you don’t usually play with older kids who have played checkers many, many times.” Or you can at least plan to avoid the mood in the future: “I don’t know about you, but I make a point of not watching movies like that. Someone made it up, and I guess some people like that sort of stuff. Or they can keep in mind that it’s ‘just a movie.’ But I know a lot of people who avoid movies like that. I sure do.”
When working on the cause of the mood does not readily resolve it, as in the movie instance, or the mood persists, you can suggest some of the following:
• Encourage your child to think about what usually helps her mood, or might, and do that, even if she doesn’t feel like it. “I know you feel like just lying on the couch. But maybe a walk (bath, some time off, some time with a friend, a talk with your dad) would help. Probably it isn’t very appealing, but I know I sometimes feel better after doing something I usually like—you know, something nice for myself—even when I didn’t want to at first. Times like that, I almost have to force myself.”
• Hint that moods do change on their own and initiating a transition may bring that change sooner. “Maybe it will seem better in the morning (after you eat, after you get up and take a bath).”
• Encourage problem solving. “Let’s see if we can think of a way to make this easier for you.”
• Encourage seeking help. “Perhaps one of us should talk to your teacher (counselor, principal) about this. What do you think?”
Notice what helps your child the most, point this out to her, and see if she implements it on her own next time. Your place is that of a person who can witness her moods and take an active role in their management. Your suggestions will often be ignored or rejected, and that’s okay. You may well see them used next time.
Please do not assume now that I am antimedication. Especially if there are unusual stressors impacting your child, or the moods and fears do not stop, these can have their own physiological effects on a developing mind. So medications may be necessary, and how wonderful it is that they are available. Mainly, try to be informed. Get several opinions, or use a team of experts, as described in Chapter 1. Just remember that all the research points to medication being more effective when it is paired with some change in the child’s environment or coping skills.
REDUCING THE STRESS IN YOUR HOME
While discussing medical visits in Chapter 8, I mentioned the crucial finding from two different studies that HSCs are healthier and have fewer injuries than other children when their stress level is tolerable. If you decide to keep your HSC healthy and happy by reducing the stress around him, you can look forward to your child’s needs changing your entire family for the better. I am sure you do all you can already to protect your family from harmful and somewhat controllable stresses such as accidents, illness, and family dysfunction. There are other stresses we cannot control very much at all—threats from the outside such as the death of a beloved grandparent or news of a terrorist attack. We can only try to protect our children from too much exposure to these threats too early, discuss the risks realistically if they come up, explain what is being done to protect the community, role model how we cope ourselves, and acknowledge that life is not always easy and sometimes requires courage.
What most of us consider less often is the stress that accompanies all of life’s opportunities and expectations. Humans today have endless opportunities. We can call anyone anywhere. On the Internet we can learn anything. If we really want to, we can travel anywhere in the world, learn almost any career or skill, and supposedly become any kind of person. Wealthy, famous, wise, spiritual, artistic. You name it. Short on money? Take another part-time job, earn another degree. You can do anything. Or that is the impression we receive, and in our eagerness to help our children, that is the impression we may give them. “You can be anything, do anything. Dare to dream.” And so on.
Meanwhile, your HSC will have her own temptations to overdo: Video games, television, and the Internet will offer endless opportunities to learn and be entertained, opportunities often explicitly designed to be as stimulating and alluring to children as possible. Schools will keep offering more and so will after-school organizations (replacing quiet reading or play in the wild places such as a wood, vacant lot, or down by the river, which might have soothed children a bit).
In fact, our minds can conceive anything, but our bodies cannot do everything, and it happens that your HSC will be able to do just a little bit less than others of even the nicest activities and opportunities. Fewer playdates, fewer sports, fewer kids’ activities. But almost everyone is trying to do too much these days. HSCs will respond merely a little sooner to stress, warning the others that it will soon be too much for anyone.
Assessing the Stresses in Your HSC’s Life
Parenting expert Mary Kurcinka has noted a lengthy list of some of the stressors in any child’s life, many of which we do not think about. We have already discussed birthday parties, travel, holidays, moves, and medical procedures, plus all the stress of school life, whether it comes in the form of opportunities or disappointments. But there is also bad weather, which can keep children housebound or make going out more nerve-racking, plus weather-related events such as floods and tornados. There are news stories that are upsetting. And most children play with other children, leading to inevitable upsetting conflicts, tensions around sharing, and the fear of being teased, rejected, bullied, or wrongly blamed.
Every child also faces the stress of having to let go of childhood and its comforts, to sooth oneself without them; to learn about pain and death, not to mention the inevitability of adulthood, however that looks to them. Finally, there are growth spurts, which happen about every six months in the early years and last four to six weeks. As Kurcinka says about these, “The only thing you can really do is maintain your standards, nurture more, and wait it out. Growth spurts disappear as suddenly as they appear. One day you realize your child has achieved a whole new level of skills. The monster is gone, replaced by a very enjoyable kid.”
Now add to these hidden but normal stresses the stress of being so sensitive to the subtleties and deeper consequences of events, and of being different from other children. Your HSC may not say “I am stressed” in exactly those words, but you can read the message in these behaviors:
• Acting younger again—having trouble with skills that had been mastered, like toilet use, getting dressed, or separations (especially true during growth spurts)
• Little things becoming major problems
• Exaggerated emotions—unusual fear, sadness, or irritability
• More physical problems—asthma or allergy attacks, headaches, stomachaches, catching more colds
• Difficulty sleeping, nightmares, oversleeping
• Clinging to you more
• Isolating—hiding in closets, staying indoors
Avoiding or Reducing Stress, Short-Term
There are both short-term and long-term strategies for reducing stress. Most of these I have already mentioned elsewhere, but here I am reminding you to put the short-term ones into practice as soon as you are aware that your HSC is overburdened.
1. Arrange for your child to have frequent breaks; allow for down time. Plan quiet times throughout the day for your HSC (and for yourself). Do this to prevent a stress response as well as to handle one after it happens.
2. Be more nurturing, during stressful times and all the time, by touching, holding, soothing to sleep, and listening with total acceptance; by providing healthy and satisfying food, sound sleep, time in nature or with animals, and time in or near water. It is no surprise, but research indicates that reactions to the same stress is lower in rats and monkeys receiving good maternal care.
3. Make the protection of your HSC’s sleep a top priority. The next day is influenced by this more than almost anything else. Chronic sleep loss is extremely hard on HSCs.
4. Bring in the familiar, especially during an unusual event. Maintain your routines, bring out familiar toys, play the usual games, go back to places that are old favorites.
5. Reduce decisions. I have encouraged giving HSCs decisions in general, but reduce the choices when your child is already overloaded. For example, if she is anxious about what will happen in school, being asked what she wants for breakfast may be too much. So offer what you know would probably be her choice. Then all she has to decide is if she wants that or not. If you suspect even that will be too much, merely check to be sure she is happy with you deciding today. But familiar, easy choices are sometimes stress reducers, too—the sense of control over some aspects of her life can be just what she needs.
6. Once things are a little better, figure out how this overstressed state might be avoided in the future.
Reducing Stress, Long-Term
Equally important as managing short-term stress is making long-term adjustments to your family style and your HSC’s life experience. Here are some suggestions, although you can probably think of many more that would apply to your family.
1. Let things become routine, habitual, or preplanned for both you and your child. This reduces decisions and surprises (there will still be plenty). For example, have meals at the same times, set the table the same way. Plan together, when that makes sense, the menus for the week’s meals, the outfits to wear, the errands to be done. Look at the week’s calendar to see if anything conflicts or if too much has been planned. Have a daily schedule, at least for weekdays.
2. Be together. Humans are social animals, and being together soothes us. Consider whether more of the things you need to do can be done together, like getting dressed in the same room, or your answering e-mail while your child colors beside you. But also find common joys to share. Maybe you and your child like to garden, cook, walk the dog, or bathe together. Of course your HSC will need to be alone sometimes, too. But stick around. And if he prefers solitude all of the time, you may need to lure him out, or to consider whether you have been too rushed, irritable, prying, or insisting on conversation. Quietly doing things side by side can be the best.
3. Keep nature at the center of your life. I cannot emphasize this enough. Even if it’s a goldfish and a few plants in your apartment, your child needs nature to stay balanced. We come from nature, our bodies are meant to be in it.
4. Think and talk about the meaning and purpose of your life. There are so many legitimate ways to fill a life, by dedicating it to gaining knowledge, doing God’s will, helping others, creative expression, new experiences, or family life and friendship. If you know to what your life is dedicated, share that with your child. This clarifies your own priorities so that your child understands where you are headed, and also gives her some idea of how she will make order out of the chaos of opportunity.
On the other hand, if you are uncertain, anxious, or dejected about life, try not to burden a young HSC with that unless she notices and speaks of it. Even then, do not use her as a confidante. Just explain that every grown-up has periods of rethinking and uncertainty, followed by better times. Give her room to develop a perspective on life different from yours. It may help you as well.
5. Think and talk about how you face the bad things in life. What is your explanation for calamities and cruelty? Hearing about, fearing, and finally experiencing these are the biggest stressors of life, especially for an HSC. How do you cope with tyrants, loss, pain, death—whatever terrifies you? You have gone ahead of your child, you have learned something; make it easier by sharing this. But be careful of giving pat answers or concrete images of your equivalent of rescuing angels—things that might let him down when tested in a crisis. Some uncertainty or mystery to life is all right; it may, in fact, ring more true to an HSC than a false promise of perfect security.
6. When you cannot prevent a major stress happening to your child, try to embrace it. I have never met an adult worth knowing who did not deal with some hardship in childhood. It does build character, depending on how you as a parent help your child understand it. Illness, poverty, family upheavals, bad world news—they can teach life lessons, even provide a spiritual awakening. If you can keep this view, it may help your child. (If you cannot, but your HSC gains it, then support what you have been privileged to witness.)
Next, we discuss an inescapable stressor for parents: raising the “difficult” or “strong-willed” HSC.
PARENTING THE DIFFICULT HSCS
Much of this book and this chapter may leave the impression that all HSCs will be cautious, considerate, and withdrawn unless their parents take action to loosen them up. But some HSCs show a different side most of the time. For example, Dinah, age nine, is a drama queen in the best as well as worst senses. She is intense, persistent, outspoken, highly creative, and loves to perform. At home she is demanding, difficult, dramatic, and truly fussy. If she does not like the taste of something, or the plans made involving her, everyone hears about it. In fact, everything stops until her feelings are dealt with. She is exquisitely aware of others’ feelings, although she seems obstinately uncaring at times—depending on how it affects her, of course.
Given all of this, Dinah seems tough, and she is certainly tough to raise, but fortunately her parents understand that in fact she is very vulnerable underneath the impressive, occasionally overwhelming display. Yes, she has to be handled firmly. Yet punishment is not the key to developing her self-control, as I will discuss later in this chapter.
Sensitive boys can be equally strong-willed and dramatic. Chuck, age nine, the skier and tree climber, can be very nasty with his mother when he is disappointed, and very stubborn when he does not want to do something. At his first consult for braces, he simply refused to open his mouth. Finally they wore him out, telling him, “You will either open or we will hold you down.” Later, when a routine was established, Chuck went happily to the orthodontist.
My favorite story about Chuck is his first visit with his priest to discuss his sins. Chuck went dirty, barefoot, in a defiant mood. Not knowing this man, he refused to speak to him, saying, “I’m not telling you anything and you can’t make me.” The priest agreed. Chuck and Dinah might get along fine.
But Chuck has a soft side, too. He cries easily, tries to mediate every family argument, loves the kindergartner assigned to him to “buddy,” befriends kids who are not popular, and speaks up when someone is being teased. Ultimately, I think his priest would be pleased.
Managing the Moods of the Drama Queens and the Tough Rebels
HSCs like Dinah and Chuck, who are dramatic, outspoken, creative, intense, and often tempestuous to live with, are special cases. What is most noticeable is their lack of self-regulation. They often know they are going to be getting themselves into hot water, but they cannot stop their reactions. They are overcome by feelings and opinions that sweep them away, often alienating them from others. They need parents who are rock solid, and no one is that all the time. But the more they feel your solidness, the better. It is also my impression that if they go through a time of seeing a parent emotionally out of control, this affects them in certain ways more than other HSCs. Their own capacity to be out of control seems turned on by the adult’s.
This type of child can try the patience of the best-intentioned parents, especially if they are highly sensitive, too. You cannot lose control, however, and become angry or hopeless. Dinah and Chuck can only be held partially responsible for the battles they start. Their feelings are controlling their behavior. But, of course, these feelings are controlling everyone else as well, making others angry. So they should be excused for the trouble they are having but not from gradually learning to do better. For them to be liked and feel good about themselves, for their own happiness, they cannot be allowed to carry on without limits or guidance.
Everything said before about discipline applies here: You set your standards, you stick to them, but you are careful about punishment, which can increase the arousal so much that your message does not penetrate. Assuming your drama queen or fighting rebel is already overexcited, you state the limits and hold firm. Then, or later, try to help them understand why they lost control. “I wonder if you were so upset with us because you were tired?” or “I wonder if all of this might be due to something that happened at school today. Want to talk about it?” But reaching a calmer place may take longer and require more patience than with another type of HSC.
Considering the responsibility and difficulty involved, you should have all the support you can get. You should not manage such a child alone if you are a single parent. You will need to involve a wise close relative or friend and perhaps a professional as well.
The question always arises with these more difficult HSCs as to whether there is a more serious problem to be treated. I would strongly advocate beginning with a temperament approach, since it involves the least labeling and expense, and may be the only real problem. Some temperament trait combinations are just plain difficult, especially those I pointed out in Chapter 2: high activity, high intensity of emotional expression, high distractibility, and low adaptability. The more of these four your HSC has, the more difficult he will probably be, depending on how well these traits fit with you and the school he attends.
Once you or a professional has assessed all of your child’s temperament, you need to work with someone skilled at considering what does and does not fit with these trickier-to-handle traits and how to help your child moderate how they are expressed. There may be many behavior problems, but usually it is best to work on only a few at a time. You prioritize, deciding what behaviors need to change first. Imagine three baskets: A for “Now or I can’t stand it,” B for “Would sure be nice,” and C for “Someday.” Work on the A basket first, which might be rudeness, tantrums, and refusing to go to bed. Establish your standards here and focus on only these. When everyone feels improvement in these, the tension will ease and the others will be easier.
If the problems do not melt away with temperament counseling, you need to seek out other professionals. But beware that if you do that first, or at this point, most professionals do not take a temperament perspective and may blame all of your child’s problems on a disorder. In particular, many teachers and counselors are most familiar with attention deficit disorder, either the distractibility type or the hyperactive type. Occasionally an HSC, who naturally notices every little sound or movement, will be highly distractible in distracting environments, and for that reason be diagnosed and treated for ADD/ADHD. But as I said in Chapter 1, such a child will have good concentration when there are no distractions, which is not typical of children with this disorder. Another way to discern what is really the problem is to think about whether this or any other disorder began suddenly, with a new teacher or school. Often a poor fit is the real cause—for example, a teacher who demands that children be highly focused at all times, so that the more your HSC is unable to unfocus, the more aroused and anxious she becomes, decreasing still further her ability to focus. Focusing requires mental energy—energy that is reduced with overarousal. Or an HSC might seem to have ADD or ADHD because a school is too noisy and stimulating.
If improving the fit and management of temperament traits does not seem to reduce the problem substantially within a few months, then you may want your child thoroughly evaluated and tested, as described in Chapter 1. Most ADD and ADHD is diagnosed with a relatively brief questionnaire or observation designed to diagnose that only, but learning disorders, bipolar disorder, childhood depression, and a host of other possibilities need to be eliminated as well.
If your HSC is difficult due to temperament traits, try to bear in mind that these “troublesome” traits can bear great fruits once they have been shaped and pruned a little. There are no great opera divas without high intensity of emotional expression; no great innovators without low adaptability (a refusal to put up with inconvenience that others are used to); no great discoveries without high distractibility (noticing what others do not); no great athletes without high activity.
In sum, home life may be a little difficult now, but think of your family and home as a launching pad for your HSC. With the proper support from you and her own great and growing awareness, your HSC will certainly go far.
Applying What You Have Learned
Make a list of how your child’s sensitivity is blossoming right now—all of the talents, assets, virtues, and plain old nice qualities that you and others are noticing.
Now make a list of the problem areas your child still has at home. Touchy feelings. Rudeness when refusing certain foods or rejecting clothing you have purchased. Difficulty making transitions—stopping an activity, getting up, going to bed. Unwillingness to try new things.
1. Ask your child if she would like to work on one of these.
2. If so, come up with a plan together. Decide a final goal that seems reasonable and agree on the steps along the way.
3. If this is an old issue where you have both failed in the past, try to come up with new, creative answers together—a reason it will work this time. For example, if your child never goes to sleep on time, read up on “day persons” and “night persons.” Discuss how she might be a “night person” and think together about how to manage, given that schools require children to be present early in the morning. For example, during the summer and other holidays, she can indulge her true nature, and during the school year you will let her sleep longer and go two hours late to school once a week (if her school will tolerate it). In return, during the school year she will increase her efforts in ways you both agree upon to go to bed earlier every night, not just school nights, to see if her body will find it easier to fall asleep if bedtime is the same each night.
4. Try not to resort to rewards or incentives, except token rewards like stars or blue ribbons that make success more tangible. Outline together the benefits of the goal so vividly that accomplishing it will be reward enough. If your child’s fear begins to interfere, plan smaller steps. If your child loses interest, remind her of what she wanted to accomplish. Discuss how you manage to stick to goals such as dieting or exercising. Perhaps work on your goal the same time your child does. Talk about the value of having willpower or persistence, of expecting a few slips and learning from them what can interfere with sticking to your goal.
Ultimately, leave the task to your child, which is where you began. “It is up to you.” You will probably not succeed in forcing the issue anyway, and if you do, when your child is slightly older he will resist even harder your offers of help to change.
For an example of going step by step toward a goal, see the end of “Applying What You Have Learned” in the next chapter.