CHAPTER

17

Surfing wore me out, but I can’t sleep. I’m thinking about my heart a lot, how it let me go out in the ocean today, and listening to it thump-thump-thump in my chest. And I’m thinking about my dad while I listen to Lena’s album over and over again, paying super-close attention to the drums. Then, while I do that, I’m thinking about Lena and her life in Montauk and how she’s friends with someone she calls J.

My brain feels like a cup overflowing with water, thoughts spilling everywhere. I lie in bed with the little black notebook I pretty much stole right out of Lena’s bag resting on my chest. I watch it move up and down, up and down with my breathing.

I haven’t read any of it yet. At least, not past that one little snippet in the car, but I feel like those words were enough to chew on for a few years.

She was relieved I let her see me.

But… all of what would’ve been for nothing?

But… who in the holy heck is J?

I pick up the notebook and flip through it. The pages are crinkly from the all the writing and there are a few round light brown stains from a tea or coffee mug.

It’s wrong. It’s super-wrong. I know this, but I can’t stop myself from opening to the first page and running my fingers down the writing. The entry is dated a few months ago, way back in February.

Which would’ve been about a month before she called Kate for the first time.

Tonight’s meeting was hard. I can’t lie, I wanted a drink, which is why I went to a meeting in the first place. Danielle met with me after at Café Marzoli and we drank coffee and talked. So much coffee. I used to hate coffee, but now it seems like the only thing that will calm me down.

“You’re ready,” she tells me, but I don’t know.

J says the same thing. Says I’ll never forgive myself if I don’t try. Says S will be fine, that she’ll adjust. That when she’s older, she’ll understand and never know any different and she’ll be so grateful to know her whole family.

Danielle agrees, but that’s the thing. It’s not S I’m worried about all that much. I mean, I am, but I know she’ll be all right.

It’s me.

It’s always me. I’m scared I’ll fail. I’m scared Sunny will reject me. I’m scared Kate won’t even consider it. I’m scared, scared, scared. And so I sit with Danielle and drink a gallon of coffee until I feel a little less scared.

Breathing is hard, but I reread it again. And then again. A meeting… that must be the ones she goes to for being an alcoholic, because I know Danielle helps her with all that. There’s J again, and now there’s an S.

S… S…

S has to be me, right? That I’ll be all right. That I’ll be grateful to know my whole family.

I tear through some more pages—flip, flip, flip—and finally find the entry at the very end of March that I’m looking for.

I did it. I called K. She didn’t answer, but I did it and I didn’t drink and I didn’t pass out and I’m still breathing. I left her a message and now I just have to wait and hope. J took me out for a nice dinner to celebrate, but I could barely eat a thing. I’m so nervous. I just want to hold S and never let go. I’m never letting her go. Never.

A drop of salty water plops onto the page, smearing the blue ink. Lena’s writing blurs and I can’t wipe my face fast enough. My nose burns and runs and my throat aches something awful.

I’m never letting her go. Never.

I grab my phone and find Lena’s name, my thumbs trembling over my screen as I try to think of something amazing to say. But I don’t want to talk to Lena right now. I want to talk about Lena.

I switch over to another name and type Hi into the text box. As soon as I hit Send, though, I realize how late it is. There’s no way Quinn’s up. There’s no way she’s—

Three little dots bounce onto my screen, followed by Hey. You’re awake?

I breathe out a big huge breath.

I guess I am, I text back. So are you.

I like staying up late. Shh, don’t tell my mom.

Secrets are safe with BFFs.

Always, she says.

I squeeze the phone tighter, relief opening up my chest.

So how was surfing? Quinn texts.

It was great. I mean, I didn’t really surf. Just learned how to stand.

Stand? That’s it?

Hey, it’s hard! I text. Still fun, though.

That’s amazing, Quinn says. How was it with Lena? Weird?

My thumbs hover, wanting to talk, talk, talk, but now I’m not sure how to answer Quinn’s questions. My mind is like mush. Plus, it’s nearly midnight and it feels like someone’s yanking on my eyelashes and I’ve been crying. I’m all wrung out, like a wet rag squeezed of all its water.

I don’t know, I finally text. The truth.

She doesn’t text back and then my phone rings, belting out a Truth Lies Low song—the kissing song, of course—so loudly, I drop it in my covers. I grab it, scrambling to silence it and slide my finger over the screen.

“Hello?” I whisper, like I don’t know who it is.

“Hey,” Quinn says.

“Hey.”

“Is it okay that I called?”

“Yeah, but you didn’t have to.”

“I know,” she says. “But it’s a big deal, right? Hanging out with Lena for the first time?”

“Yeah. I guess it is.” My voice is all trembly. I swallow a bunch of times until it smooths out. I want to tell Quinn all about Lena’s journal, but that feels wrong. I already stole the thing, I don’t want to spill Lena’s deepest thoughts to the whole world too. My eyes ache, though, a bunch of feelings still hiding behind them just waiting for me to let them out.

“Do you think you can love someone and hate them at the same time?” I finally ask.

“Yeah, totally,” Quinn says. She doesn’t even miss a beat.

“Really?”

“I feel like that toward my mom sometimes. Like, I love her, right? She’s my best friend, pretty much, and the only thing that never changes about my life. But it’s her fault that she’s the only thing that never changes, and sometimes? Yeah, I hate her for it.”

I burrow deeper into my covers. “That makes sense. I just… I feel everything when it comes to Lena, you know? I’m excited she’s here. And I want to know everything about her. And I’m so stinking mad at her, I can barely see straight sometimes. And I’m nervous too. Because what if she doesn’t like me?”

“Impossible.”

“She left me once, though.”

“Sunny. You’re… you’re amazing, okay? And she’s your mom.”

“She left me, Quinn.”

She doesn’t say anything for a second. I wish we weren’t on the phone. I wish she was here or I was at her house so I could see her face. Because what if Quinn’s wondering why Lena left me too? What if she’s wondering why she’s my only friend even though I’ve lived on the island most of my life?

A tear slips down my cheek and I brush it away fast. I’m so tired of feeling like this.

“She’s back,” Quinn says softly. “Right?”

“Until when, though?”

Quinn sighs into the phone. “I wish I could hug you right now.”

That makes me smile. It makes me smile really big, right through the tears. “Me too.”

“Well, I’ll just have to hug you super-tight tomorrow.”

“What’s happening tomorrow?”

“Kissing Quest, full force.”

I sit up in my bed, my smile going even wider. “Really? You still want to?”

“Totally. We just need to find someone we could totally fall head over heels in love with. Easy peasy.”

I laugh. “Hey, we should go to the pool by the pier. There are always a ton of boys our age hanging around there.”

“Boys,” Quinn says. “Right.”

There’s a beat of silence before she clears her throat and says, “Let’s do it. Meet you there around nine?”

“Perfect.”

“Awesome. Now… why is it so hard to stand on a surfboard?”

I smile and lie back down in my bed, telling Quinn every detail about surfing, which, it turns out, she’s never done. Then we start talking about all the other stuff we’ve never done and want to do, like parasailing and riding a horse on the beach. We talk about small stuff too, though. Like eating lunch at the same table, in the same seat, with the same people every day for a whole school year. Like holding hands with someone at the movie theater. Like picking out a dress for our first school dance. We talk about everything and nothing and it’s amazing.

Next thing I know, I’m blinking awake in the morning light, my phone is still smooshed against my cheek, and Quinn is deep-sleep breathing on the other end.

I woke up smiling

because I fell asleep

with your voice in my ear.

I forgot what it was like to have

someone on my side,

someone to laugh with,

someone to wonder with,

someone to trust.

But then,

the morning light

was really bright

and I remembered.

Then I wondered.

Then I worried.

Will

     you

          break

                my

                   heart

                          too?