CHAPTER

34

I cry the whole way home.

But it’s an okay cry. The kind that means I’m finally good and empty of all that junk that made me feel so bad. The kind that means I’ve finally got room to make new memories, new friends.

After lunch, Kate suggests I take a nap. I don’t fight her. I’m totally wrung out and I sleep most of the afternoon. When I wake up, though, I can’t stop looking at Quinn’s letter. I keep picking it up and turning it around in my hands. I take it in the bathroom with me when I take a shower, just to see if it’s still there when I get out, if it’s really real.

It is.

Right before dinner, Dave comes over. He hugs me for a long time and I let him, Quinn’s letter tucked into my palm. Then we sit down on the porch swing and rock back and forth while Kate gets ready for the Fourth of July bonfire. She and Dave are going as a date, which is pretty much the cutest thing ever.

Kate said I could go too, but I’m not sure I’m up for it. I don’t have a best friend to go with, and sorry, but being Kate and Dave’s third wheel on their first real date after it’s taken them a bajillion years to get together? No thanks.

Plus, I’m meeting Samaira tomorrow, officially, which makes me all nervous and excited at the same time. I kind of just want to stay home and write her a poem. I want to write a bunch of poems about a bunch of things.

“Penny for your thoughts, kiddo,” Dave says, kicking his feet on the porch so we keep swinging.

I shrug. Quinn’s letter feels like a heavy stone in my hand. Dave doesn’t push me to talk and I’m glad. I need all my brainpower to think. And what I keep thinking about is my New Life plan. How I’ve done lots of awesome amazing things since getting my new heart.

I think about how I found and lost a best friend.

I think about how my Kissing Quest has been one epic fail, but at least I tried.

I think about how it felt when I read that book with the girls kissing for the first time all those months ago and how it was scary to read that, but amazing too. I think about all that Quinn and I have done in just a couple of weeks and I… I…

I miss her.

I still want to kiss her, I think, but I want to be her friend even more.

“Will you sing me my favorite song?” I ask Dave.

He laughs. “Now? I don’t even have my guitar.”

“So? Your voice is nice enough to sing without it.”

“Oh, well, thank you.”

“Just make it super-whiny, please.”

He cracks up again and puts his arm around my shoulders. “All the whine for you, Sunshine.”

Then he starts to sing the kissing song, really soft and low, and I listen and get all achy in my chest, like I’m full of a bunch of sighs I need to let loose.

I turn Quinn’s letter around and around in my hands, finally unfolding one corner of the paper. Then another. Then the third and then the fourth and soon the letter’s wide open and I’m staring down at Quinn’s curvy handwriting.

Dear Sunny,

There’s a whole lot of stuff I want to say right now, but the most important thing is that I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I don’t know what happened that night in your room. I think I got scared. I think I freaked out that someone might actually like me back. I never knew that might be just as scary as having someone reject you, but I think it is. Because what if I move away? And what if you stop liking me one day? And what if you think you like girls but then meet some boy you like better? And what if people make fun of us when they see us hold hands?

But then I think about your poems and I wonder if we could be scared together? Maybe being scared is just part of liking someone, no matter who it is. And I want to be brave. I want to be brave and mighty and strong, just like Sunny St. James.

Will you meet me at the Fourth of July bonfire? If not, I understand. And if you just want to be friends, I get that too. You’re my BFF no matter what.

I hope I see you soon.

Love,

Quinn

PS My mom’s going to work at the aquarium!

Dave finishes the song and I finish the letter and my heart is a firework. It’s a million sparklers lit at the same time and tossed into the air.

I peer up at the sky. It’s already mostly dark, the last bits of sunset pink disappearing on the horizon. I sit up and fold the letter super-quick and super-messy.

“I’ve got to go,” I say, stuffing the letter into my pocket.

“Everything okay?” Dave asks.

“Yeah, yeah, but I’ve got to go to the bonfire now.” I yank the elastic out of my hair and run my fingers through all the blue knots. Did I put on deodorant after my shower? Did I brush my teeth this morning? I run back into the house and into my room to change, but then I see myself in the mirror. I’ve got on a plain navy tank top and cutoff shorts and you know what? That’s me. That’s been me the whole time. Old Life Sunny all mixed up with the new.

I pull on my black stomping boots and run back outside.

Kate’s on the porch by then, slipping on her sandals while balancing with one hand on Dave’s shoulder. “What’s going on?”

“I’ve got to go to the bonfire,” I say again, starting down the porch steps. Bike. Where’s my bike?

“We’re about to leave, honey,” she says. “You can walk over with us.”

“No, I need to go like now.” I can’t walk either. I need to run. Fly. Teleport.

I find Kate’s bike leaning against the front porch. I had left it at Lena’s house, of course, but she dropped it off this morning after we surfed. Now I toss my leg over it and start pedaling.

“Sunny, wait a second!” Kate says.

I skid to a stop and turn back to look at her. She’s halfway down the porch steps, worry all over her face.

“I’ll be at the bonfire,” I say. “I’ll be with Quinn, okay?”

Her brow wrinkles up, but only for a second. She and Dave share a look. He kisses her forehead and she nod-nod-nods before walking over to me and pulling me into her arms.

“I’m okay,” I whisper into her shoulder.

“I know you are,” she whispers back. “You’re amazing.”

Then she lets me go, her eyes all shiny. “Have fun, okay?”

Fun. Fun is such a little bitty tiny word.

Because if Quinn’s letter is really real, if I didn’t hallucinate it or something like that, I’m not going to have fun.

I’m going to change my whole world.