Restored safely to Gracechurch Street from Bellingham House, Elizabeth Bennet climbed the stairs to her chamber with a sombre air. Having declined joining her family in a cup of tea before retiring, she made good her escape on the pretext of weariness, quite out of countenance with all and everything, the last thing she desired being a conversation around the ball they had so recently attended.
Muttering under her breath, she pushed open the door to her room, then let out a startled “Oh!” as someone inside flew across the room and flung themselves into her arms, which instinctively closed around the small figure now hugging her tightly.
“Serena! When did you arrive?”
Releasing her friend, Elizabeth hurriedly closed the door before turning to study her friend in the dim candlelight. Serena Seavington was of slender build, not dissimilar to Elizabeth herself, but she lacked the latter’s height, reaching only to her shoulder, and though they shared hair of a similar hue, Serena’s grew straight as a rod, and no amount of rags or hot irons would persuade it otherwise.
“I have been here these three hours. Oh Lizzy, how I have longed for your kind face!”
Elizabeth reached out and squeezed Serena’s hands in hers, smiling. “Your patience will have to endure. If I am not mistaken, word of your arrival must have reached your sister.”
Footsteps could be heard moving rapidly along the landing, and Elizabeth flung the door wide to reveal her aunt and Jane, both of whom hurried into the room with wide smiles upon their faces.
“Serena! My dear girl, we did not expect you so soon! I hope you did not overtire Papa’s horses!”
Returning her sister’s hug, Serena shook her head, then rested it familiarly against Mary Gardiner’s shoulder, reaching out to squeeze Jane’s hand in greeting.
“I was fully prepared before your letter arrived; it was but a matter of hours before we were on our way. Papa sent Ethel and Samuel to accompany me; they are quartered above the mews.”
“Well, I am glad you are safely come, but you must be tired. Come down and greet your brother and then you must rest. We can catch up on all your news on the morrow.”
Serena caught Elizabeth’s eye as she set herself up from the embrace with her sister. “Indeed, Mary, I am anxious to see Edward. I will come now as you suggest, but I must beg for a few moments with Lizzy before I retire.”
“You shall have as long as it takes us to drink our tea – then I insist upon your resting. It is a long journey from Derbyshire, and you have been travelling to and fro about the country for some weeks now. It would not do to over-tire yourself.”
Exchanging a quick glance with her friend, Serena nodded and followed her sister out of the room and, excusing herself to finish drinking her tea, Jane went after them.
Impatient for Serena’s return, Elizabeth walked over to the window and released the drapes, quickly shutting out the darkness. The lowness of mood that had descended upon leaving the ball she disregarded for the moment, her interest solely focused upon what enlightenment she might glean from her friend.
As she turned around, however, her eye was caught by something sticking out from under the bed, and she walked over and picked it up. It was the built up Patten that Serena habitually wore when out of the house. Doubtless she had kicked it off soon after her arrival, for Elizabeth knew how much she hated having to wear it.
With a sigh, she sank back onto the bed, the Patten still held in her hand, her heart aching for her friend. Serena felt her disablement keenly and rarely socialised, choosing to keep herself to herself and permitting but a select few to become close to her. As such, her attachment to Nicholas, when she had found affections engaged, had remained steadfast. Thus, what could have led to her rejection of him?
Before Elizabeth could dwell further on the matter, she heard a sound out on the landing, and replacing the Patten on the floor she hurried to open the door.
“Has he spoken?” Serena’s voice was low and urgent as she came into the room.
“Yes – though he has fought for the moment.” Elizabeth ushered her friend over to the bed before settling beside her. “I do not understand. I cannot believe that you are so altered.”
Serena clasped her hands in her lap, shaking her head. “I am not. Oh Lizzy!” She turned anguished eyes upon her, and Elizabeth bit her lip in consternation. “I never dared to dream that such a thing could come to pass, and thus I had neither considered the implications nor thought upon my response.”
Elizabeth studied her thoughtfully for a second. “Thus you said “yes” and then “no” to cover all eventualities?”
Despite her obvious distress, Serena managed the glimmer of a smile at this, but it soon faded.
“I accepted without considering the consequences.” She sighed and her gaze dropped to the floor.
“Is that why you rescinded?” Elizabeth frowned; it seemed a singular motive for such a reaction.
Serena shook her head, her air quite despondent.
“No. Indeed, Lizzy, there are two reasons why I could not allow it to persist.” She glanced at Elizabeth, and at her friend’s encouraging nod, she continued. “Perchance had he remained as he was – a second son who must make his way in the world, in a profession, anonymous – then, had he taken up the church, for example, I might have been able to accept him. As a clergyman’s wife, I would not be expected to be out in society, and never in Town. We could be sequestered in a rural community, and my disability would be overshadowed by the good I might affect towards those less fortunate than myself.”
Getting agitatedly to her feet, Serena limped over to the fireplace and stared into the dying fire. “Now he is made a gentleman, and I am not fit for a gentleman’s wife, especially one who has such a love of company.”
Elizabeth shook her head. “Nicholas must consider you suitable, or he would not have made you the offer.”
Serena spun on her heel. “He pities me.”
“Why would you say such a thing?”
“I believe he thinks of his mother; she has oft claimed I am the daughter that she lost. He is a good man, a dutiful son…”
“He would not do this for his mother’s sake alone.” Elizabeth patted the bed and Serena returned to perch at her side, a soft sigh emanating from her as she sat. “He is devastated. A man who offers marriage out of pity would not suffer as he is.”
Serena threw Elizabeth a startled glance. “He suffers?”
“Indeed he does. He hides it well – you know Nicholas – but now he has spoken to me, I can sense his pain. I have never seen such…” Elizabeth’s voice faltered as she realised the falseness of what she was about to utter.
“Oh dear.” Getting to her feet once more, Serena began to pace to and fro, hobbling as her skirts dragged on the floor. “I knew he was displeased when I retracted, but I thought… I – he cannot be in love with me.”
“Was it not touched upon?”
“No; he had barely spoken when James happened upon us, and all was left to hang.”
“And then?”
“My mind was in turmoil; I had reacted without thought, astonished by his application.” Serena turned to face Elizabeth, her face a picture of sorrow. “Then, I heard – oh, Lizzy, ’tis too maddening.”
“What did you hear?”
“I was coming back down the stairs – I did not think that James needed Nicholas for any lengthy business; my intention was to seek him out, explain my concerns, but before I could, I heard voices coming from Aunt Alicia’s day room.”
Serena sighed. “She and her husband were in conversation. She was sad – she said that she had sensed my reluctance to visit this time, and that as soon as I had arrived, she had realised that I was no longer a child, but a woman, that I would marry one day and be taken from her – despite Nicholas’ approach to me earlier, I could hardly credit her words, never having any suspicion such a fate could befall me.”
“And then?”
“Then – Uncle reassured her. He said…” Serena put a hand to her throat. “He said that she should not fear; that they had three intelligent sons and that one of them would surely have the good sense to secure me for her, make me a daughter by marriage. Oh, can you not see, Lizzy? This is what happened. Uncle clearly knew of Nicholas’ intent – this is his purpose in offering for me.”
Elizabeth studied her friend with compassion. “But his affections are engaged; of this I am certain!”
Serena shook her head. “Not in that way. I know of his affection for me; it is his warm, loving heart that makes him offer for a cripple that no one else would have. He thinks to save me from a lonely spinsterhood, but he does not think of what it will do to him, and he will repent it. He will regret his association with me and that would be even harder to bear than this sorrow now.”
“I believe Nicholas is stronger than you are giving him credit for. He would defend you to the hilt.”
Serena met Elizabeth’s eye with a frantic look on her face. “But he should not have to! He should not be burdened with a wife who… whom people may scorn.” she stopped and swallowed visibly. “I have lived with this – with this,” she gestured at her leg, “all my life. You know how those with a disfigurement are viewed. I cannot pretend it is not so, that I do not have a physical debility by which people judge me and find me wanting.”
Elizabeth felt so sad for her friend; there was nothing she could do to aid her, yet she would do anything to make her happy.
“How can you turn your back on a future with Nicholas when you love him so dearly? It will surely break your heart, and his too.”
“My heart has long been broken. As for Nicholas,” her voice softened. “He will find someone far more suitable to be his wife.”
“He will not let it pass so easily.”
“I cannot face him, Lizzy.”
“Not face him! Dear Serena! Besides the fact that he is a frequent visitor in Gracechurch Street, he knows you are expected any day, and he is most anxious for your arrival, so that he might speak with you.”
Raising her chin, Serena’s face took on the stubborn look that Elizabeth was well acquainted with. “We have said all that there is to say upon the matter.”
“Serena! Stop this! There must be a solution, some hope of…”
“No, Lizzy. I cannot allow myself to hope. It is entirely a situation without hope. We cannot be wed. I would bring dishonour upon him and his family. I would not have them suffer the stigma of being associated so closely with me.”
“You do Nicholas a disservice.”
“I know I do!” Serena hung her head. “I am ashamed of myself, and I am saying words I do not mean. It never occurred to me that I might be in such a situation.”
Elizabeth sighed and got up to put an arm about her friend’s shoulder, and Serena turned into the comfort of her embrace.
“Your feelings – you have not confessed the truth to him?”
Serena shook her head.
“You did not wish to tell him?”
“I had no chance, there being so little time before we were disturbed.” Her head shot up and she paled. “Pray, Lizzy, tell me you have not told him?”
“No, I would not disclose it – it is not my place.”
A sudden sound of footsteps approaching alerted both girls to someone’s presence and, seconds later, Jane entered the room.
“Aunt Gardiner says you are to rest now, Serena.” Jane smiled at them both and turned towards the dresser, laying her reticule on top of it and starting to unpin her hair.
Elizabeth and Serena exchanged a look and the former nodded. “It has grown quite late. Go and sleep; we shall be able to talk further in the morning.”
“Dear Lizzy,” Serena gave her a quick hug, repeated the action with Jane and hurried to the door. She slipped through it, but her anxious gaze met Elizabeth’s as she glanced back before closing it gently.