Etiquette Book

The transition from childhood to adulthood can be trying for everyone involved. Tweens and teens insist on being treated as grown-ups while continuing to act like children. Puberty, peer pressure, and the constant struggle to keep up in everything from academics and sports to fashion trends and electronic fads is enough to place any kid on edge—and any parent over the edge. Navigating the onslaught of competing stressors politely is more than most can bear. Many parents wish they could skip this phase of development. But it is during these tumultuous years that the foundation established in childhood is built upon to create sturdy, strong, confident adults. Leading by example and setting reasonable boundaries, as well as establishing clear consequences, will help adolescents to conduct themselves appropriately as they blossom into courteous adults.

For adolescents, the world can be an uncertain place. The more unpredictable the outside world is, the safer and more secure home should feel. While it may seem surprising at first, setting rules and expectations actually helps to create a feeling of stability. Knowing that a coat dropped on the foyer floor will solicit a “Please hang up your jacket,” creates the predictability kids crave. Plus, consistently reinforcing boundaries should cause the message to sink in eventually so that the appropriate action ends up being taken without a reminder. As discussed in the previous chapter, it is up to the adults of the household to establish and maintain the standards of the home. If you do not establish the need for polite behavior at home, how can you expect your tween or teen to behave appropriately when out and about in the company of others?

When a teenager wants to borrow an object from another household member, permission must be sought. As with all borrowed items, they must be returned in as good, if not better, condition than when they were initially borrowed; items of clothing should be appropriately laundered and automobiles should be gassed. Gratitude should be expressed both at the time the item is borrowed and when it is returned. There may be instances when an item is needed and the owner is not available to ask. In such situations, consideration should be given to whether the owner would typically lend the item or if the item has been withheld in the past. Given this history, the individual may act accordingly, borrowing at his or her own risk. Adolescents should always keep in mind that actions have consequences.

Adolescence is no time to let slide the tidiness lessons learned during the earlier years of childhood. Tweens and teens must continue to pick up after themselves. Cleaning up after yourself is a way of showing respect to those around you. It demonstrates the ability to think beyond yourself and be considerate of others. In the entryway, shoes, coats, bags, umbrellas, gloves, scarves, and the like should be put away after use. In the kitchen, perishables should be put back in the refrigerator, counters wiped, plates placed in the sink or dishwasher, and trash thrown in the garbage. In the bathroom, surfaces should be dried, hair removed from drains, lotions and potions capped and returned to the appropriate drawers and cabinets, and dirty towels hung to dry or placed in the hamper. Even in the privacy of an adolescent’s bedroom, the bed should be made, garbage should be thrown away, plates should be returned to the kitchen. The adolescent should also be responsible for intermittent dusting and vacuuming in his or her room.

Living with others means there will be shared space and shared items. In the common areas of the home, consideration must be extended to others who are using, or who may wish to use, the same room. This means that if someone else is already sitting in the family room watching a television show, you may not change the channel without asking permission first. The same goes for deciding to create a new cookie concoction at the same time the kitchen is being used for dinner preparations, or wanting to use the dining room table for a board game when someone’s scrapbook is laid out on it page by page to let the glue dry. Just as in the younger years, the magic words “please,” “thank you,” “excuse me,” and “may I” come in handy for keeping the peace.

When there is a shared computer at home, it is important that tweens and teens know not to monopolize it. If other family members also need to use the computer, a fair schedule should be developed. Work and school deadlines obviously should take priority over game playing, social e-mail, and Internet surfing. When using a shared computer, privacy once again comes into play. Adolescents should not even think about looking at confidential family files.

If members of the household share a bathroom, tweens and teens need to be respectful of the needs and schedules of others when it comes to bathing, showering, grooming, and primping. Thus, adolescents cannot expect to indulge in a forty-five-minute soak in the tub at 7:00 a.m. on a weekday when others are rushing to get ready for work or school.

Meals with adolescents can be lively, engaging, and sometimes challenging. Once out of elementary school, children should be given greater and greater guidance regarding—as well as opportunities for—dining like and with adults. By the preteen years, kids can be expected to behave appropriately throughout the course of an entire meal. (For a thorough discussion of table manners in general, see Chapter 4.)

Prior to a family meal, adolescents can be expected to lend a helping hand. From unloading groceries to prepping part of the meal to setting the table, there are ample opportunities for tweens and teens to provide assistance. At the end of the meal, they can be charged with clearing the table, washing and drying dishes (or loading them into the dishwasher), and/or cleaning up the kitchen. Helping out in these ways will not only imbue adolescents with a sense of responsibility and pride in being able to accomplish a task, but also ready them for the time when they will leave home and will need to perform these tasks on their own. Moreover, helping out with the preparations, as well as the cleanup after a meal, will make it more natural for teenagers to offer assistance when dining at the home of someone else.

As adolescents master basic tasks, they can be given greater assignments. Many teens are quite capable of planning and cooking an entire dinner. Activities such as these should be supported and encouraged.

While modern meals may be hurried and harried affairs, they need not be bereft of manners. In fact, the more rushed we are, the more important a role manners play to help everyone involved enjoy the interaction. In addition, those who are overscheduled should make it a priority to carve out time for the entire family to eat together at least once a week. Both the dining and conversational skills employed during these meals lead to better social proficiency later in life.

THE BASICS When adolescents arrive at the table, they should be ready to dine in the company of others. This means their clothes should be relatively clean, hands should have been washed, and electronic gadgets should have been stowed in another room. Sitting at the table translates into having all four of the chair’s legs planted firmly on the floor, with the chair’s occupant sitting up straight. Sitting up straight prevents any elbows from finding their way to the table. Both feet should be on the floor as well, as opposed to having legs tucked under one’s tush. Everyone at the table should wait until all are seated and have been invited to partake of the food before starting to eat. Some families say grace before meals, some families thank the chef, some do both. Napkins belong on laps.

If the meal has been orchestrated so that each person is serving him- or herself, teenagers should understand that it is impolite to take so much that they do not leave enough for everyone else to have a decent-size portion. Furthermore, especially when a guest in someone else’s home, adolescents should know to take at least a bit of each dish being served, even if a particular food is not to their liking. It is also important that they understand not to pick their favorite elements out of a dish—it would be unmannerly, for instance, to take all of the raspberries out of a fruit salad, leaving behind the honeydew and cantaloupe.

When it comes to the actual process of eating, teenagers should be well-versed in the proper way to hold their utensils. Other basic table manners should also be second nature, such as chewing with one’s mouth closed and not talking with food in one’s mouth.

There will be times when dining both at home and elsewhere when the food items are unusual or unappealing. As tempting as it may be to say a snarky comment about the smell, texture, or taste, adolescents are old enough to hold their tongues. Comments that distract from others’ enjoyment of the meal are simply not allowed. Better to concentrate on the positive. That would include thanking the hosts for the invitation, complimenting the chef on the meal, and asking others about their day. Some sample conversation starters would include: “Thank you so much for having me for dinner, especially on such short notice,” “This meatloaf is delicious,” and “Mr. Saponar, how was your day?” Of course, when at someone else’s home, it is important to display good manners. It is equally important to note any table manners particular to this home. For example, some families insist that the person who prepared the meal take the first bite. Others ask everyone to wear shoes. Be observant and respectful of any differences. At the end of the meal, offer to help clear the table. Polite dinner guests are invited back.

It is also important to teach adolescents the proper protocol regarding seconds. If there is still some of the desired food on the serving plate, seconds may be had. A simple “Please pass the . . .” will suffice. When the serving plate arrives, if there is not much left, do offer to others before serving yourself, by saying, “There is only one roll left. Would anyone else like it?” Reaching is not permissible. If the serving dish can be touched with elbows still bent, then it is close enough that serving oneself is acceptable. When at someone else’s house, if seconds are not readily seen, they should not be requested, as asking may embarrass the cook if it turns out there is no more to be had.

CONVERSATION AT THE TABLE During meals, well-mannered folk engage in conversation. At the family table, everyone should be encouraged to share something positive about his or her day. (Any negative information should be saved for a family meeting or private chat with the parents.) It can also be enlightening to discuss current events. Talking time at the table gives tweens and teens the opportunity to develop and practice valuable storytelling and public speaking skills. (For more on small talk, see Chapter 11.) Plus, it gets them in the habit of conversing while dining, so that they will be prepared for future meals in both business and social situations.

BODILY FUNCTIONS Occasionally, there will be bodily noises at the table, and tweens and teens should know how to deal with these. According to etiquette guidelines, some are addressed and others are not. (All should be suppressed whenever possible!) Burps should be expelled with a hand or napkin over an almost-closed mouth and followed immediately by “Excuse me,” spoken at a moderate volume level. If gas escapes in a way other than a burp, adolescents—like adults—should say nothing and simply ignore the occurrence. (Note that in this same situation, a young child would say, “Excuse me.”) When at the table with someone else who has burped or passed gas, tweens and teens should know not to comment.

Coughs should be met by a hand or napkin covering the mouth, and immediately followed by “Excuse me.” Sneezes should be blocked by a napkin or handkerchief. Teenagers should be instructed that cloth napkins are never tissues! Noses must be blown away from the table.

ENDING THE MEAL Polishing off all of the food on one’s plate is not the same as the end of the meal. Adolescents should be able to pace themselves appropriately so that they are not the first to finish. When done eating, they should be able to sit until everyone else at the table is done as well. (For a discussion about whether it is necessary to finish everything on one’s plate, see Finishing Food.) On occasions when homework, a team practice, or a music lesson beckons, adolescents may ask to be excused early from the table. In such instances, they should clear their place and push their chair back into position at the table before moving on to the next activity (these actions should be performed no matter when a teenager leaves the table).

For almost everything, there is a time and a place; so too is the case with electronic gadgetry. Well-mannered adolescents understand when it is appropriate to use these devices and when they should be properly put away. Since each device has slightly different uses, each has slightly different guidelines when it comes to courteous behavior.

For adolescents, cell phones are ubiquitous. Of course, possessing a cell phone does not necessarily translate to understanding how to use one politely. Because these devices are so prevalent in the lives of tweens and teens, it is essential that they be educated with regard to courteous usage.

Tweens and teens should be taught that in situations where the ring of a phone or the sound of the owner’s speaking into it would disturb others, cell phones should be tucked neatly away and the ringer turned off. Venues where this protocol is called for include movie theaters, traditional theaters, and restaurants, to name a few. This consideration of those surrounding you should also be given on such modes of transportation as planes, trains, buses, and elevators. Cell phones should also be stowed away during study groups, dates, and other scheduled activities so that you can devote your attention to the activities and people at hand. Leaving a cell phone on the table can be interpreted as a subtle signal that the owner hopes someone smarter, faster, cuter, or more interesting might possibly call.

Of course, it should go without saying that tweens and teens should be instructed not to use or even leave their cell phone on during class. And, clearly, when working at an after-school or weekend job, an individual’s cell phone should be off until his or her break.

Adolescents should also have their cell phones off and out of sight during meals. When dining with others, tweens and teens—like adults—should be focused on their food and their companions.

Many adolescents (as well as grown-ups) think they are being so suave by turning off their cell phone ringers and checking the screen instead to see who called or to read text messages. These individuals are fooling no one but themselves. It is highly obvious to others when a companion is checking his or her phone. Note that texting, while not necessarily audible to those nearby in the same way a conversation would be, is still distracting. In theaters, the bluish glow and the clicking of tiny keys can be quite annoying.

Cultural and generational differences do come into play with regard to what is considered appropriate cell phone usage. Most Americans think nothing of being perpetually connected. However, in other cultures, checking a cell phone in the presence of others is taken to mean that the others are considered completely uninteresting. A group of teens may have their cell phones out and in use while having french fries at the mall and all the while think nothing of the fact that their conversations with those physically around them are completely disjointed due to interruptions by the ringing of and subsequent chatting on these phones. However, those past the teen years are generally not so tolerant. It is best that tweens and teens think twice, or even ask directly, before whipping out and turning on a cell phone when in the company of individuals other than their peers.

Consider also that recent studies suggest using electronic devices significantly diminishes a person’s ability to concentrate on other tasks at the same time. Talking on cell phones or listening to music through earbuds while driving is prohibited in many states because it interferes with a driver’s focus and hearing. Texting from behind the wheel is a growing cause of traffic accidents. Given this information, teens should consider how much they are trying to do at any given moment. If an adolescent is engaged in a serious conversation with a close friend, his or her responses and advice will be more thoughtful and helpful if he or she is not also glancing at the phone or texting. Adolescents should deploy their electronics wisely, politely, and with safety in mind.

Amazingly, back in the day, when the Walkman first appeared on the scene, industry skeptics openly dismissed the idea of personal music systems. At the time boom boxes were all the rage—the louder the better. Of course, manufacturers of these personal electronics had the last laugh. The trend has continued through to our modern MP3 players and even expanded to include video as well as sound. When used properly, these newer devices are much more polite than their boom box predecessors, which subjected any and all in the surrounding area to the sounds emitting from them. Nonetheless, there are protocols to be followed.

Manners Matter,
BUT SAFETY FIRST: HEADPHONES & EARBUDS

Sometimes manners and health go hand in hand. Scientific evidence indicates that when music is played at a high volume close to the ear, as is done with headphones and earbuds, the tiny hairs in the cochlea of the ear are damaged. And while the brain may have preferences for certain types of music, the ear is nondiscriminatory. Any music, from classical to hard rock, will inflict damage when played too loudly.

Portable music devices should be played at a volume that is audible to the owner, but not to others within earshot, who should not even be able to hear the thumping base. These handy electronics are great for exercising, cleaning, studying, or relaxing. They also can effectively be used to avoid social discourse with strangers when you find yourself in a situation such as being wedged between people you do not know on an airplane. However, these devices should not be used to avoid social discourse during dinner at home or when out with friends. Situations such as these require the entire device to be put away and your full attention to be focused on those in your company.

Murkier areas with regard to the use of portable music devices concern situations that involve brief or unsolicited encounters. In these instances, common sense should prevail. Such short interactions include ordering food at a counter, transactions with a bank teller, and paying a store clerk. These are semisocial situations where it is usual for individuals to make eye contact and carry on the briefest of conversations. As a way of showing respect to those assisting you, the music should be turned off and the earpieces removed. For other, even shorter exchanges, such as holding a door for someone, eye contact and a nod to the other person are customary, but there is no need even to hit pause. These interactions are so fleeting that they would be completed before pause could even be pressed.

Handheld games are an entertaining diversion when you have a little time to kill or simply have the occasion to relax. But before these devices are turned on, a quick survey of the situation is necessary. First and foremost, if others are about, earbuds are necessary. As unpleasant as listening to half of a cell phone call is, being subjected to the various sounds emitted by these games can drive those in earshot crazy. Playing with these devices is perfectly acceptable while waiting for a younger sibling to finish sports practice, but not permissible during said sibling’s piano recital. They may also be played while waiting for one’s food in a casual, family-friendly restaurant. However, adolescents mature enough to be taken to a fine-dining establishment should also be able to engage in the conversation during the meal instead of relying on the game as a way to pass the time.

Adolescents should be aware of, and assume, that anything and everything they post online, from messages to pictures, might be seen by anyone and everyone. A site’s privacy features cannot completely protect individuals from hackers or from a future programming error that might inadvertently uncloak posted information. The words and images posted online do not necessarily fully go away, even when the individual who posted them “removes” them from the site. Years from now, friends, college admissions personnel, and potential employers may be able to access what adolescents are doing online today. Thus, teenagers should think twice before posting.

Manners Matter,
BUT SAFETY FIRST: PERSONAL PROTECTION

With the advent of computers, cell phones, GPS trackers, social networking sites, and search engines, the world has become a much smaller place. And people are not always who they present themselves to be. Make sure your adolescent knows not to divulge personal or private information to people he or she does not know. Even seemingly harmless tidbits, such as team names from your adolescent’s school or the times of his or her game can allow those intent on doing harm to track down an identity and residence. If any conversations or correspondence seems inappropriate, tweens and teens should know to report the matter to a parent, teacher, or other adult.

Actions that would be viewed as rude or inappropriately mischievous in person take on a life of their own when done online. Name-calling or bullying, when done via the Web, can become a criminal offense. These types of situations can escalate exponentially in short order when not addressed (sometimes into physical violence), or come back to haunt an individual years later (when a potential employer comes across the online exchange). Adolescents should be taught not to engage in such behavior. If an adolescent is the victim of these thoughtless acts, he or she should know to seek adult advocacy immediately.

When posting on social networking sites, manners and safety go hand in hand. Nowadays most tweens and teens are savvy to sexting, but even innocuous pictures can be dangerous. Be sure your name, school name, or any other town identifying information is hidden. Never reveal your address, home telephone number, or e-mail or mobile phone number. Pictures of you and your friends doing questionable activities, such as trespassing or drinking, can land you in hot water with your parents and the police. The snarky comments you post in their most benign form can be seen as malicious gossip and in their most dangerous form can be outright slander. Do not be lulled into a feeling of security just because you are sitting safely at your computer. Information shared on the Internet has a way of taking on a life of its own, with very real ramifications. Even discussing future plans online allows others to know either where you are going, that you will not be home, or both. Well-mannered young adults are considerate of others and careful about what they say and do both in person and online.

With so many electronic gadgets readily available, and more certainly to come in the near future, parents and adolescents should be acutely aware of the amount of time spent using these items. Educators have found that with so many students possessing so many gadgets, bedtimes are not being adhered to as strictly as they should. A teenager may technically be in bed with the lights out, but texting or playing games nonetheless. The result is students staying up late and then falling asleep in class, and it is obviously difficult to learn when nodding off during school. Moreover, staying up past one’s bedtime in this manner signifies a lack of respect for boundaries—and boundaries are critical in a civilized society.

Teenagers tend to speak and act with their friends in a manner and with a vocabulary that is utterly baffling to most adults. Yet being able to converse easily and effectively with not only their peers but also grown-ups is critical. Individuals seek to re-engage with people they enjoy and tend to avoid those who leave them feeling uncomfortable. Whether an adolescent is making friends, asking someone on a date, or seeking an after-school job, being able to speak in an appropriate fashion with others is essential.

Adolescents need to learn that when it comes to interpersonal communications, so much of what is said is expressed nonverbally. This means that body language, eye contact, and tone of voice are extremely important when speaking with others. Standing up straight, shoulders back, head held high, and arms resting loosely at one’s side all project confidence. Eyes should meet and match the gaze of the other person. Shoulders slouched, arms crossed, or eyes directed to the floor communicates, intentionally or unintentionally, a serious lack of interest and a sense of being closed off. The same words said in a different tone of voice can have completely different meanings. Saying a chipper “Thank you” to the young man who held open the door is a genuine show of appreciation. Meanwhile uttering a snide “Thank you” to the young man who neglected to hold open the door is a rebuke. Teenagers are notorious for sarcasm and would be wise to keep such comments in check.

Small talk should not come as a shock to any teen. Family dinner conversation has been the preparation. You might want to tell your teen to think of a conversation as a game of catch. One person throws the ball, holds on to it for a few seconds, and throws it back to the other person, who catches it, holds on to it for a few seconds, and throws it back again. Good conversations involve give and take. If one person is not talking at all or doing all the talking, something is off in the conversation game. (For additional information on small talk, see Chapter 11.)

Parents who have been practicing table conversations as their children have grown will find that even introverted teens will have a good foundation for small talk situations. When your tween or teen has an upcoming event on his or her social schedule, review and role-play in advance to prepare your child for the interactions. Review some conversations starters. Before a school dance, compliments work to get things started such as “Great dress, where did you find it?” or “Love the high tops with the tuxedo. What made you go for lime green?” Observations comments also work: “I love this song; what is your favorite band?” Before Thanksgiving, brainstorm answers to the obvious questions. There are the typical ones such as “What is new?” or “What is your favorite subject in school?” Be sure your tweens and teens are able to answer in full sentences. For all occasions, teach your children to ask open-ended questions. In the car ride to the event, have a quick conversation role-play so your child is primed and ready to go upon arrival. Remember, listening politely is also part of good manners. Especially for technoteens, eye contact and nodding without twitching thumbs is essential.

As electronic communications dominate daily tasks and activities, the fine art of letter writing becomes a clear differentiator between those with good manners and those whose manners barely qualify for civil society. Notes and letters can be drafted on scrap paper or on the computer first and then transcribed onto the appropriate stationery. Novice note writers are often surprised to find that the anticipation of writing is much worse than the actual process itself. As with any skill, the more frequently practiced, the faster and easier it becomes. To help get tweens and teens more invested in this task, it can be helpful to present them with stationery of their own.

The most common type of handwritten letter that teens need to be able to produce is the thank-you note. Birthday, graduation, and holiday gifts all require handwritten notes of gratitude. Yes, such notes are obligatory even if the giver was thanked when the gift was received. Thank-you notes should also be written after one has enjoyed someone’s generous hospitality, such as when one has been a guest for a meal, a night, or a weekend. Last but not least, thank-you notes are mandatory when individuals have gone out of their way to provide assistance, such as writing a letter of recommendation for a school or job or acting as an advocate in a sticky situation.

Thank-you notes need not be long when written soon after the kindness was extended. Like other letters, this type of note should start with the salutation (e.g., “Dear . . .”). The body of the note should contain a sentence or two about the gifts or action, as well as a sentence or two about why the gift or action was meaningful. The note should then wrap up with a closing, followed by the writer’s signature.

Dear Auntie Tilly,

Thank you so much for remembering my birthday! Can you believe I am sweet 16 this year? I always know my birthday is coming because a big package arrives from you. The sweater you knit for me this year is fabulous. You chose the perfect color—I LOVE hot pink. I will think of you every time I wear it.

Much love,
Cathey

Dear Professor Himmel,

I have just heard from Alma Mater College. They have accepted me into the honors program! Thank you for writing such a phenomenal recommendation for me. I know my application was atypical, and I am positive your endorsement helped me to gain admittance. Your senior literature course was my favorite, and I hope that I have professors at college who care as much about their students as you do.

Sincerely,
Ira Cheng

The next note adolescents should know how to write is the “thinking-of-you” note. Unlike a thank-you note, which is typically short, a thinking-of-you message can range from a few lines to a few pages long. These notes or letters can be mailed from camp or sent from distant destinations to update the recipient on what is going on, as well as to let that person know that he or she is being thought about.

Dear Sis,

Camp is great. Half of my bunkmates are afraid to leave the cabin at night because of all the bats. Personally, I am grateful for the bats, since they eat those annoying mosquitoes. I’m looking forward to Family Day to see you again. I’ll teach you how to kayak on the lake with me. Hey, will you send more of those cute horse stamps? Mine keep disappearing. So how are you? Is Fido sad I am gone? I miss you lots.

Love,
Minnie

Dear Robin, Hawaii is fabulous! Mornings hiking. Afternoons swimming. Evenings dancing. Tons of cute guys . . . wish you were here.

Hugs,
Marta

At first, adolescents often question and discount this type of message. But with just a few heartfelt thoughts, a quick note of congratulations can truly wow the recipient. Congratulatory notes include ones celebrating birthdays, anniversaries, the receipt of an award, the scoring of a winning goal, a well-done performance, and the earning of an honor. Knowing to send a handwritten note on occasions such as these shows the world the adolescent is maturing into a polite and caring adult.

Dear Diane,

Hey! You placed silver in the big triathlon! I knew you could do it. You practiced all the time! It was great to be there yesterday and see you cross the finish line. You are the fittest friend I have ever had.

You rock!
Kuan

In the classroom, teenagers learn more than their school lessons. They learn life skills for how to interact appropriately with peers and authority figures. They learn respect for themselves, their belongings, their workspace, and their community. Students also learn that different places and situations come with specific rules. While one may freely speak at home, one must raise a hand and wait to be recognized before speaking in class. The ability to recognize the stated as well as unstated rules in any particular circumstance will serve teenagers well.

In the classroom, basic rules of order and respect must be observed. Students must arrive on time, come prepared with the books and supplies they will need for the day, do homework in advance, sit quietly during classes, keep their desks neat and clean, and listen carefully to the instructions from the teacher. A student must also learn to work well with others when assigned partners for a project—even if these individuals are not ones with whom he or she would choose to sit with in the cafeteria. All of these are skills that will come in handy once students head out into the real world. And in the classroom, respectful, mannerly behavior allows the teachers to teach, the students to learn, and everyone to make the best possible use of their time.

As mentioned in an earlier section, cell phones, when allowed in school, must be off when the student is in the classroom. The entire device should be off, not just the ringer. Other electronic gadgets, unless specifically approved by the teacher, must also be turned off and stowed away.

During the course of the day, it is necessary for students to go from one classroom to another. Most school hallways tend to be extremely busy thoroughfares during the breaks between periods, as well as at the end of the day. Just like on a highway, students should keep to the right to allow the greatest traffic flow. Students should also be aware of their bodies and book bags so as to avoid bumping into other students. If another student accidentally trips and falls, the mannerly action to take is to stop and assist the individual and help collect any belongings that may have fallen.

During the course of the school day, it will obviously be necessary to visit the facilities. Bathrooms are designed to be functional and should not serve as a social stop. If there is a line, students should wait their turn for an available stall. Afterward, they should know to wash their hands with soap and water. Writing on the walls is completely unacceptable, even if these surfaces are already covered with graffiti. If there is a plumbing problem or a lack of paper goods, a student should let someone in a position of authority know so that the situation can be remedied. Doing so demonstrates the ability to take responsibility, as well as consideration for others. After all, if a student does not take it upon him- or herself to bring the matter to the appropriate person’s attention, then those who follow will face the same problem.

Occasionally, a student will need to take a bathroom break during class. In such a situation, the teacher’s rule regarding this matter should be followed. Some teachers prefer to be asked permission by their students. Others want students to exit with minimal disruption and return as quickly as possible.

Lunchtime is a chance for students to eat as well as socialize. While at most schools the rules for the cafeteria are not as strict as those for the classroom, other considerations do apply. Since cafeterias involve hot items, sharp utensils, perpetual motion, and many individuals, extra care must be taken. While walking, students should be aware of their surroundings so as to avoid bumping trays or tripping on wayward book bags. (And those already seated should make sure that their backpacks and other belongings have been stowed where they will not pose a hazard to others.) When choosing where to sit, the vast majority of adolescents follow a fairly routine pattern, sitting in the same spot with the same people every day. While adolescents may prefer the predictable, they should be encouraged to be inclusive and invite, or at the very least allow, others outside the core group to dine at the table.

When eating in the school cafeteria, table manners, such as chewing with one’s mouth closed and keeping elbows off the table, should be observed. Food may only be shared if there is enough to share with all those who want to try some. Of course, if some kids have allergies, special care must be taken to avoid any attacks. When the meal is finished, garbage should be placed in the trash and any items eligible for recycling should be placed in the appropriate bins. Adolescents should take care to balance the social aspect of lunch with the practical necessity of consuming food so that they end up with the necessary energy and focus to face the rest of the school day.

Depending on a school’s locale, students may arrive in a variety of ways. And unlike students attending elementary school, who are typically accompanied by an adult, adolescents are likely to be going it alone. Whether traveling on foot, by bike, by car, or by bus, adolescents must be familiar with the same guidelines adults follow (see Chapter 15), including any corresponding laws.

For students, common courtesies should be observed. When walking, students must be conscious of other walkers as well as drivers. Do allow for others to occupy the sidewalk at the same time. This means, when walking en masse, you will have to sidestep into single file to allow others to pass. Additionally, the more students in the group, the louder the accompanying noise. Whether it is music or words, the volume must be kept in check. Considerate bikers follow the rules of the road. Sidewalk riding is permissible for the youngest of children or on the most deserted of streets. When traveling in a vehicle, your family’s car, a carpool, a school bus, or public transportation (such as a city bus or subway), students must be cognizant of how their behavior affects others. Polite tweens and teens know to keep their feet on the floor, bags on their laps, noise to a minimum, avoid littering and, on public transportation, offer their seats to others.

During adolescence, the line between friend and foe can be quite precarious and shift on a regular basis. During these tumultuous years, as bodies and minds mature, tweens and teenagers should continually be coached on the complexities of deeper friendships. At school, they will find that there are different levels of friendship. Good friends are enjoyable to be around; they encourage interests and support activities. Good friends understand what makes an individual unique, including faults, and they respect differences as they arise. Good friends feel secure in their relationship and do not monopolize one another’s time. Good friends understand that friendship involves give and take, and are therefore careful to maintain a good balance. Friendships require reciprocity—each individual contributes to and receives something from the relationship.

The best way to make and keep a friend is to be a friend. This means treating everyone with respect, allowing for alternate points of view, and giving others the freedom to be who they wish to be without feeling the need to put up a facade. Making friends is often less complicated and daunting than one thinks. Simple steps, such as smiling, greeting others politely, inviting them to sit nearby, asking questions, choosing a fellow student as a partner for a class project, inviting a classmate to meet in the library to study, getting a group together to attend a sporting event, and joining an after-school activity are all great ways to begin friendships. Sometimes the deepest friendships begin in the most surprising of places.

Bullies come in all shapes, sizes, and forms nowadays. The schoolyard bully of yesteryear would use brute force to shake down students for lunch money. The schoolyard bully of today may be hiding behind a keyboard and posting lies on the Internet. Bullying can be physical—involving punching, kicking, or hitting—or mental, involving threats, emotional blackmail, or the withdrawal of friendship. Almost all schools have stated rules about bullying, and many states have laws regarding it. Adolescents who are the targets of bullies should involve an adult. From parents to teachers to guidance counselors to religious leaders, there is always someone to turn to for help. If for some reason the first adult approached is unable or unwilling to address the situation, the teenager should feel comfortable seeking out someone else. It is important to understand being a bully is a matter of manners. Bullies lack confidence in themselves, their behaviors, and their relationships. Bullies attempt to fill this void by acting in disrespectful ways. Adolescences who are taught good manners, what actions are appropriate in what occasions, and how to properly interact and engage with others rarely find the need to bully.

For many students, competitive activities are a natural part of school. Whether the event is a debate or a soccer game, sportsmanlike behavior is a must. The very nature of competition means that there will be winners and losers. However, good manners prevent these contests from escalating into nasty incidents. Sportsmanlike behavior for adolescents includes paying attention during practice, following the rules of the competition, supporting fellow teammates, respecting referees and officials, refraining from making nasty comments to opponents, and shaking hands with the members of the other team at the end, no matter the outcome.

Tweens and teens cannot be confined to home and school, then be expected to understand magically how to behave upon emerging a decade later. The way people learn best and most quickly is through experience, which means that adolescents must occasionally leave their residences and go out on the town. However, before leaving home for an entertaining outing, older children should be reminded of their etiquette ABCs: Attire, behavior, and communication should match the venue they are visiting.

When dining out, the appropriate attire and behavior depends on the type of restaurant. Jeans and T-shirts are, of course, perfectly acceptable in fast-food places. And people eating there can expect a high volume of hustle and bustle. While screaming indoors should be reserved for emergencies, louder voices and tones are not necessarily frowned upon in these restaurants. Despite the more relaxed atmosphere, though, basic rules do still apply. One should not kick back and put one’s feet up on the table, use one’s sleeve as a napkin, or chew with one’s mouth open. Proper table manners should, of course, be employed. Teenagers should know to wait on line to place their order, be ready to order when it’s their turn (so as not to hold up those behind them), pay in full, and then move to the side when waiting for their food to be ready. At the end of the meal, trays should be put in the appropriate spot and trash thrown away.

Respect is a two-way street. At a restaurant, the staff should treat adolescent customers with respect, and adolescent customers should be unfailingly polite to the waitstaff. On occasion, though, the waitstaff will prejudge teenagers and display airs of disdain. When this happens, adolescents should continue to be courteous. If exhibiting mannerly behavior is not enough to alter the attitude of the waitstaff, teenage customers have a few options. The first is to ask the waitstaff delicately, but directly, if something is wrong. The second is to speak with the manager. The third is to settle the bill and patronize a more accommodating establishment the next time around. Responding rudely is not an option.

Diners and other casual eateries—where patrons sit at tables and are waited upon— are the next step up when it comes to eating out. The members of the waitstaff are not parents, nor are they babysitters. These people are earning their livelihood and should be treated with respect. Loosening tops to sugar, salt, and pepper containers and other destructive behavior are not acceptable. As for the “prank” of “cram and scram” (leaving without paying the bill), this action is rude as well as illegal.

Certain casual eateries encourage lingering. They are quite happy to allow customers to nurse an overpriced coffee or large plate of french fries. However, other establishments rely on table turnover for the health and wealth of the business. Keen patrons can identify and differentiate between the two. A good indication that it is time to clear out is if the waiter begins a regular barrage of “Can I help you with anything else?” Table squatters should be aware that, even if there are no additional orders, the tip should creep up with every tick of the clock.

Even in casual restaurants where the dress code is “clothed,” adolescents should really take care to monitor the noise level emanating from the table. It is one thing for others nearby to have to strain to eavesdrop; it is another for others to have to strain to avoid doing so. Adolescents should also take care regarding the content of their conversations in these settings. Expressions and phrases that seem perfectly in place when hanging with friends or as part of the lyrics of a popular song will be completely inappropriate at a restaurant. When out and about, adolescents should monitor their language and keep it clean. This is especially true when they are within earshot of younger siblings or other children. Colorful language will elicit a range of responses, from raised eyebrows to demands to leave the premises.

At the other end of the spectrum from fast food is fine dining. Of course, the atmosphere, dress code, and menu selection are a bit more upscale in such establishments; so, too, should be the behavior of patrons. Adolescents unfamiliar with this type of venue should be given a brief “tutorial” of sorts by a parent. (For a discussion of proper behavior in a restaurant, see Fine Dining.) They should also use the opportunity to observe the behavior of others.

It is important for adolescents to be exposed to a range of dining opportunities. Some parents prefer to start simple and slowly raise the level of formality, while others opt to shock the adolescent’s system by beginning with the most formal and least familiar. Either way, adolescents should be afforded the opportunity to dine out with adults, as well as with their peers, in order to find the proper balance of acceptable behavior based upon the venue.

Museums are great destinations for adolescents in their spare time. These venues offer the obvious educational benefit, as well as the opportunity to expand a teen’s horizons. Museums provide for hours of directed activity, and a recently viewed exhibit is a good starting point for small talk should the teen find himself in a situation where coming up with a topic of conversation would be helpful. Many museums offer student discounts or free passes, making them a good choice for anyone on a budget. Most museums discourage photography and loud dialogue. When in a crowded gallery, teens need to understand that they must allow for the passage of those who are quick viewers, as well as grant space to those who prefer to ponder a piece. Unless they are specifically told otherwise, the art should be viewed and not touched.

Manners Matter,
ATTENDING A MOVIE

Movie theaters may seem like safe places, but perhaps due to the lack of lighting, they occasionally attract unsavory individuals. Adolescents should attend movies in a group and be aware of others in the theater. It is perfectly acceptable for adults to chaperone the adolescents by sitting a few rows back—far enough away to allow for a bit of independence, but still close enough to be available should there be an incident.

Going to the movies is a popular pastime for adolescents, who should behave like adults while there (for a complete discussion of proper conduct at the cinema, see Movie Theaters). Just like everybody else, teenagers should arrive before the film starts so as to avoid disturbing others. It is important that they know that if the theater is crowded, they shouldn’t take up seats with their personal belongings. Once seated, feet should stay on the ground, not placed on top of the seat in front of them (as at home, feet off the furniture). Electronic devices must be turned off, and any noises from the consumption of candy and popcorn should be kept to a minimum. Food fights are not acceptable. Except when attending certain cult classics, viewers should refrain from shouting out the lines. Comments to friends and family should be whispered when necessary or, better yet, saved altogether until the movie is over. A quick stop at the nearest facility prior to the previews is always a good idea so as to avoid bothering others by getting up in the middle of the flick. At the end of the movie, teenagers should dispose of their trash.

In days of old, attending a play or musical at the theater was a production in and of itself, from the formality of the attire to the pomp and circumstance of the actual event. Nowadays, the theater has evolved to take multiple forms, so much so that there are theater experiences for all budgets and almost every interest. However, when attending the theater, there are still standards that must be upheld. Before going to a play or musical, explain to your teen what will be expected (for a full discussion of proper conduct at the theater, see Appreciating the Arts).

While openings and galas still respectfully request formal attire, at regular performances, there is usually a range of outfits. As it is always better to be overdressed than underdressed, why not have your tween or teen get gussied up for the event? The more chances kids have to wear elegant or semiformal attire, the more comfortable they will start to become in it.

When attending a performance at the theater with your tween or teen, set a good example by arriving early, as everyone should be settled in their assigned seats in advance of the curtain rising. When being directed to their seats, audience members usually receive a program from an usher. This pamphlet can be a great means of getting your adolescent interested in the show to come. Encourage him or her to read any information provided about the story, as well as the bios of the performers. The program also serves as a great souvenir; you might suggest that your teen start a collection of these in order to encourage further interest in the theater.

While enthusiastic applause is welcome, your tween or teen should be advised that catcalls and wild whistling are not appropriate. Standing ovations are always appreciated by the performers, especially when well deserved. After the show, many of the performers will exit the theater from a side door and gladly sign their autographs on programs on their way out. If your teen particularly enjoyed the event or a specific performer, you may want to ask if he or she would be interested in doing this with you.

Concerts, when held in theaters, generally mirror traditional theater behavior. Concerts held in sporting arenas or outdoor performing arts centers allow for more latitude (for a full discussion, Popular Music Concerts). While standing and dancing during the show is common at the latter, tweens and teens should be advised to be aware and considerate of those around them. This means taking care not to infringe on the personal space of others and sitting down when those around them are sitting (so as not to block anyone’s view). Concertgoers are typically permitted to bring food and beverages purchased at the venue to their seats, and tweens and teens should be careful not to spill any food or drinks onto their neighbors. One of the extra benefits of cell phones is that they have replaced lighters as a means of showing appreciation for the band during slow songs and ballads. Before pulling out a cell phone, teens should understand the particular venue’s rules regarding taking pictures and/or making any sort of recording of the event—and abide by those rules.

At first glance, sporting events tend to be raucous affairs. Whether the players are high school students or professionals, competition is an inherent element of sporting events. But even within the wide world of sports, there is a wide range of acceptable sporting behaviors—and your teen should be instructed on these differences. (See Sports Events for a discussion of proper spectator conduct at various sporting events.) In days of old, good sportsmanlike behavior was considered just as important as athletic prowess. Nowadays, with touchdown dances and trash talking, good sportsmanlike behavior is a welcome reprieve. Make sure that your tween or teen understands that there is a distinct difference between cheering and jeering—and if you are accompanying your child to a sporting event, do set a good example.

Understanding the decorum for attending religious services is an important skill for maturing youths. Of course, tweens and teenagers in observant families will be familiar with the proper way to behave at services in their own house of worship due to a history of visits. However, joining a friend of a different religion at that individual’s house of worship can be confusing. If you yourself do not know what to expect at such a service, do a little research ahead of time and share what you have learned with your adolescent. Topics to investigate include basic information about the religious beliefs themselves, appropriate attire, and the timing and duration of the service. You should also look into and advise your teen accordingly of any specific customs associated with the service, such as separate seating for men and women or the tradition of worshipers’ being called to the altar for a blessing. Furthermore, your teen should not be taken by surprise if the primary language used in the service is not his or her native tongue. Most religious services have some sitting and some standing. If your teen will be a guest at a service that entails kneeling or prostrating, advise him or her ahead of time that sitting quietly and respectfully while members of the congregation are doing this is perfectly acceptable behavior.

In general, when it comes to dressing appropriately for religious services, modesty is a safe choice. Adolescents of either gender should be cautious about showing too much skin or wearing clothing that is too tight or simply too casual. Expressive hairstyles and piercings should be toned down, and any racy body art should be covered with fabric or makeup so as not to offend others in the congregation. (For additional information on attending religious services, see Houses of Worship.)

There are many rites of passage, both secular and religious, that occur during the preteen and teenage years. Graduation from middle school and high school are examples of educational rites of passage. Other rites of passage mark a change in status. Passing a driving test and getting one’s license, for instance, is a rite of passage. Then there are the religious ceremonies and cultural celebrations that are designed to mark the transition from childhood to adulthood.

Debutante balls and coming-out parties tend to drift in and out of vogue depending on the year and the area of the country. According to tradition, a young woman taking part in this custom makes her debut into society around her eighteenth birthday at a ball or tea at which she is formally presented. Historically, this process occurred to indicate a young woman’s readiness for marriage. In the past, young women potentially eligible for debutante status would be screened carefully to determine whether their social standing deemed them worthy of the honor. Nowadays, while some screening programs do still exist, most processes tend to be significantly more open and inclusive of young women of all races, religions, and social backgrounds.

When invited to this type of ball, you may wish to inquire as to the customs for the particular event. The young women being presented traditionally wear white floor-length gowns (and, often, gloves that extend to their elbows). Therefore, other women are obligated to avoid white. The fathers of the young women as well as the young women’s escorts may be asked to wear white tuxedos. Some balls include dinner and dancing, while others feature just dancing and refreshments. Details regarding the specific event should be present on the invitation. Gifts are given to honorees by only very close relatives or friends. Typically, other guests send flowers and a note of congratulations to the young woman at her home in advance of the ball. The parents of a debutante will often present her with a piece of jewelry to wear at the debut.

Said to have originated in Spain, this coming-of-age celebration honors a Hispanic girl (the Quinceañera) as she turns fifteen. The event differs from a debutante ball in many ways. Most significantly, the Quinceañera begins with a religious ceremony held in a church. During this ceremony, the young woman, dressed in a white gown and accompanied by seven female friends and seven male friends, is blessed. The religious ceremony is then followed by a celebration. There are many variations on this celebration depending on the geographical background, culture, and religious observance of the family. Some traditions that are fairly constant across the board include a first dance by the honoree and her father. Certain customs symbolic of the young lady’s transition from child to adult are also commonly present. These include the donning of high heels, as well as being given one last doll as a token of her concluded childhood.

Gifts are given for Quinceañera. The parents, close family, and best friends of the young lady will give objects that will be used during the religious ceremony. These include a tiara, religious jewelry, a cross or religious icon, a bible, rosary beads, and for some, a scepter. Friends will also give a kneeling pillow with the young woman’s name on it. Other guests will give religious objects, as well as secular presents that would be of interest to a fifteen-year-old.

Confirmations are Christian ceremonies during which those being confirmed profess a statement of faith and are blessed by a priest or minister. The age at which an individual is confirmed varies widely—from seven to sixteen years old. Most individuals who are to be confirmed attend a series of classes in advance of the ceremony, which tends to be an understated event to which only the nearest and dearest of friends and family are invited. Often, a number of young adults are confirmed at the same time. The confirmation is usually followed by a low-key reception at the church. If guests are invited, a small gift is given to the person confirmed. Religious items, books, stationery, and donations in the individual’s honor are all appropriate.

Bar mitzvahs and bat mitzvahs are the coming of age ceremonies for Jewish males and females, respectively. Young men have their bar mitzvah around their thirteenth birthday, while young women have the bat mitzvah anytime after turning twelve. Upon reaching this point, both males and females are considered to be, and expected to behave as, Jewish adults. Most will study for more than a year in advance of the ceremony as they will be expected to lead most of the ceremony themselves, usually in Hebrew. In addition to their religious studies, most kids also complete a community service or philanthropic project as part of the process.

Bar and bat mitzvahs are public ceremonies, and many friends, relatives, and community members are invited and encouraged to attend. Depending on which branch of Judaism the family follows, the religious portion of the event will vary. It may include an hour-long service on Friday night after sunset to welcome the Sabbath (known as Shabbat); the Saturday morning Shabbat service and torah reading; and/or the Havdalah service just prior to sunset at the conclusion of Shabbat. Typically most guests attend the Saturday morning service, which may last up to three hours. It is important to find out in advance when to arrive and when the bar/bat mitzvah youth will be leading prayers.

The Saturday morning services are almost always followed by a festive meal. Additionally, there may be a secular party on Saturday night, which may include dinner, dancing, or both. Because there are a wide range of possibilities for these events, it is important to read the invitation carefully and ask the hosts any questions you might have about the ceremony and the celebration in advance.

Gifts are given at bar and bat mitzvahs. Jewish guests may choose to give religious items or jewelry. Guests who choose to give monetary gifts will use numbers divisible by eighteen, as this number is considered to be lucky and a symbol of life. Secular gifts are absolutely acceptable, as are donations in the celebrated youth’s honor.

Into every adolescent’s social calendar a little fun will fall. Parties, dances, and dates help to add some excitement in between school, homework, team sports, music practice, and other obligations.

One of the true joys of adolescence is discovering that parties are not just for birthdays anymore. A social gathering is a great way to pass time, mark occasions, and meet new friends. Parties should require parental permission and parental supervision.

Dances are an integral part of an adolescent’s social life. In middle school and junior high, kids tend to attend dances en masse, whereas in high school, students usually go to their junior and senior proms with a date. Often, getting ready for the dance is as much fun as the dance itself. Teens should plan to leave as much time as necessary for dressing and primping so that they do not arrive at the event too late or keep their date waiting. For casual dances, unless the teenager is on the dance committee, it is best to arrive slightly after the start time to allow the room to fill. For formal dances, being right on time allows for maximum time at the event. Teens should touch base with their friends and classmates regarding timing and arrivals. When teens do take the time to dress for the occasion, time should be set aside for pictures. Some students will hold pre-event parties specifically for friends and family to take pictures of the attendees in their finery. In other locales, the paparazzi are part of the arrival at events with a red carpet.

Of course, the whole point of attending a dance is to dance. When going as part of a group, it is perfectly acceptable to split from the group to dance with others. When asked to dance, the polite answer is always “yes.” The reasoning is twofold. First, it takes courage to risk rejection and ask someone to dance, and that courage should be rewarded. Second, should a shy admirer see a request to dance being declined, he or she will be less likely to make the same offer for fear of being turned down in a similar fashion. Accepting dances with the shy guy or geeky girl are one thing; if there is someone who triggers your danger button, you may politely decline.

Of course, it is perfectly fine to sit out a dance or two. If an adolescent is asked to dance when ready to take a break, instead of declining, he or she should offer to dance in a song or two: “Winston, I would love to dance, but need to take a breather. Can you save two songs from now for me?” If an adolescent is asked to dance a slow dance by someone he or she would rather not slow dance with, again deferring is a proper course of action: “Daniel, I am much better with faster songs; the next fast song is all yours!”

Whether or not an adolescent is allowed to date is a decision made by the parents. When dating is allowed, there are some guidelines to follow. Regardless of gender, the individual who does the asking does the paying. The person who asks is also responsible for planning an outing that he or she thinks the other individual will like. When parents provide transportation, they must be thanked politely by both parties. When an individual arrives to pick up his or her date, it is not acceptable to honk or call the house from a cell phone. The car should be parked, door bell rung, and introductions made. Parents should be informed as to where the date will take place and what time it will be over—and the teenagers should return home punctually so that their parents do not fret. Causing someone to worry is extremely inconsiderate and disrespectful. Plus, it is unmannerly not to keep your word.

Having a date planned around an activity is a great option—particularly if the individuals have just started dating. Activities offer the advantage of having beginning and ending times. Additionally, the pastime will provide topics for conversation should either person be scrambling to come up with something to say. Possible amusements include a movie, miniature golf, bowling, a festival, a concert, or a museum, as long as the activity and venue are acceptable to the parents.

Teenagers should know to treat their date with respect and consideration. It is impolite to complain about a venue or activity selected by the other person. Gracious gestures such as opening a car door for one’s date or helping one’s date put on a coat demonstrate thoughtfulness and attentiveness. When a teenager has been taken out by someone else, he or she should know to thank that individual at the end of the date.

Adolescents ready for more responsibility may opt for an after-school or weekend job. Opportunities for adolescents range from babysitting and lawn care to internships and office work to ringing up groceries or waiting tables. Which job is right depends on many factors including job responsibilities, time commitment, scheduling, transportation to and from work, age, wages, work-wear, and work gear.

When interviewing for a position, adolescents should put their best foot forward. This includes dressing up to pick up the application, as well as for the interview; arriving early for the interview; shaking hands; sitting up straight; answering questions in full sentences; and asking appropriate questions to the interviewer. Job candidates will be expected to provide references and should have some in mind before interviewing. If the teen has prior work experience, that manager may serve as a reference. For teens who have not worked before, their references will include teachers, coaches, neighbors, and religious leaders who can speak to the teen’s character. Interviewers hire people they feel they can trust.

Once the adolescent has been offered and has accepted a position, it is important that he or she maintain a professional persona. This includes arriving on time—dressed appropriately and ready to work; being pleasant to coworkers and customers or clients; following through on tasks and projects; asking questions or asking for help when needed; and turning off any personal electronic devices.

Occasionally, a job does not turn out to be a match for the personality or time commitment of the young adult. When this is the case, it is best to sever the relationship sooner rather than later, and the teen should speak with the manager as soon as possible. Face to face is preferable, but not always logistically possible. When employed for only a day or two, after quitting, the employee will be sent a check for time worked. When employed for a longer period, the employee may be asked to work an additional two weeks so that a replacement can be selected and trained. What happens depends upon the reasons for the mismatch, the temperament of the manager, the nature of the business, and the willingness of the employee. Adolescents should be reminded that as they seek future employment, their prior employers will be contacted. It is always preferable to leave on the best terms possible.

There may be times when a working teen is put in an awkward position—perhaps a manager wants to pay in cash under the table or a babysitter finds a charge’s parent a bit too touchy. Adolescents should know that if they are feeling uncomfortable, they should follow their gut and speak with a parent or other trusted adult immediately to find a solution to the problem.

Adolescents often start to be included in invitations to adult events. While it is lovely of the hosts to extend such an invitation, it is still up to the youths and their parents to decide whether or not to attend. Grown-up celebrations and ceremonies may seem exciting and alluring, but the reality is that some tweens and teens are not yet ready for some of these events. It is best to consider what to expect before choosing to accept or decline an invitation.

Graduation parties are easy. From backyard barbecues to formal sit-down dinners, these gatherings allow families to revel in the transition from one chapter of life to the next. Even formal graduation parties tend to have an air of lighthearted fun. Whether the event is celebrating a sibling’s graduation from high school, a cousin’s graduation from college, or a close friend of the family finally getting that PhD, graduation parties pose few social challenges for adolescents. The graduation ceremonies themselves, however, can be quite taxing. Even those emotionally invested in the honoree’s success can find the amount of pomp and circumstance surrounding the actual commencement exercises a bit much. A young person should consider the lengthy duration of the event, which tends to filled with long speeches, before deciding to attend. Sometimes, famous keynote speakers can help overcome the tedium that is inherent in most graduation ceremonies. It is perfectly acceptable to decline the ceremony and accept the celebration when the teen has been invited to both.

To be invited to a wedding is an honor indeed. Deciding who to invite to a wedding is a delicate—and sometimes contentious—process for those involved, so including a young person on the guest list is a sign of high regard. When considering whether your tween or teen will attend, it is helpful to gather information. If it is a family wedding, who else from the family will be in attendance? If it is not a family wedding, how many other young people in the same age range will be there? What is the basic schedule for the wedding? How long will the ceremony be, is there going to be a cocktail hour, when will the meal be served, what is the main course? The teen’s parent should contact a close member of the bridal party (the bride, the groom, the bride’s parents, the groom’s parents) to inquire about the specifics. Ideally, this should be a conversation, in person or by telephone. E-mailing these queries should be done only as a last resort. Weddings tend to stretch out in time, some lasting five hours or more. Once the information has been gathered, an informed decision may be made.

For family weddings, it is wonderful for adolescents to be included in the bridal party. For confident tweens and teens, a role as a junior bridesmaid or junior groomsmen will work. For those teens who are more introverted and find the thought of being in the wedding party anxiety provoking, they may decline. When the teen is asked directly, it is the teen who should directly decline. “Nanette, thank you for asking me to be an usher in your wedding. I just can’t do it, but I am so looking forward to being there!” If the invitation was extended via the parent, the parent can decline on behalf of the teen. For those who tend to be shy, the role may be too overwhelming.

Funerals can be extremely difficult events for adolescents, even more so than they are for adults. The concept and permanency of death does not necessarily sit or fit well with a teen’s life view. Even so, death is part of life and therefore must be addressed. The decision of whether a young person should attend ought to take into consideration the relationship to the deceased, the cause of death, and the type of service. For close family members or friends, attendance at the funeral should be encouraged, as it is part of the grieving process. Some funerals are formal and subdued occasions, while others involve the wailing of mourners and tearing of clothing. Still others take the form of a celebration of the deceased’s life. Adolescents should be prepared in advance as to the type of funeral. Most funerals require attendees to dress in modest attire and dark colors. There are those occasions on which bright colors are requested, either in accordance with the wishes of the deceased or because it is the preference of the family members. If such a preference has been made known, attendees should respect it and dress accordingly. Adolescents will be expected to sit through the entire service, as well as express their condolences to the mourners. It is a good idea to prepare your teen ahead of time as to what he or she should say. The standard “I am so sorry for your loss” is a phrase that works well. When the teen knew the deceased, “He/she will be missed” or “I will think of him/her every time I (insert shared activity here).” If there is going to be an open casket, alert your child to this fact in advance. The young person should decide for him-or herself whether to approach the casket or simply take a seat. Adults should encourage conversations about life and death before and after the funeral to assist the adolescent through this part of the life cycle.

Even for adults, visiting someone in the hospital can cause anxiety. Happy occasions, such as the birth of a child, make for easy visits. However, going to see a seriously ill friend or family member in the hospital can be stressful. When deciding whether to allow a young person to make such a trip, considerations should include the relationship to the patient, the seriousness of the illness, the current condition of the patient, the patient’s willingness to have young visitors, and the maturity level of the adolescent. When uncertain, it is better to err on the side of visiting.

As with other situations, adults should prepare the adolescent as to what to expect. Wires, tubes, and machines can be especially frightening when they come as a complete surprise. If circumstances so warrant, you may also need to advise the young person that he or she may not be able to hug, kiss, or touch the patient. When touching is allowed, it should be done as gently as possible. Even the small talk may feel stilted and awkward. In advance of the visit, discuss what to discuss and some potential topics of conversation. (For additional information on making hospital visits, please see Hospital Visits.) Teens also need to know that they must wash their hands immediately upon entering the patient’s room. While visiting a sick person in the hospital can be unpleasant, if you think your teen can handle it, making the visit is a good idea as this task is a skill that will be needed throughout life.