Chapter Eighteen

I needed a flowing dress, a white horse, and a tiara. Definitely needed a tiara. Maybe the gift shop sold them. Massive walls and towers of red brick and windows painted in white trim stood proudly against the gray sky. “Hampton Court is a castle. A real castle like in the movies.” I have never wanted to be a princess so bad in my life.

Ramsey chuckled. “Didn’t you know that?”

“Even I knew that,” Kayin said. “I Googled it.”

“Why did you want to come here if you didn’t know what it was?” asked Shin as we walked under a large gate with a gold clock set into the top.

“Oh, it was on some blog that everyone who comes to London has to go here, and I wanted a day away from everyone,” I said.

Ramsey arched an eyebrow at me.

“He doesn’t know,” I mouthed soundlessly.

Ramsey rolled his eyes. “Come on, the entrance is over here.”

Art—the whole building was art. Gilt-framed paintings of long dead royalty and mythical stories covered the walls, unless the walls themselves were painted in murals of Roman gods and goddesses who looked down on us. Statues, suits of armor, even the furniture was art. My fingers twitched, and I took a stuttering breath. Emotions had seeped into this palace. I grabbed Ramsey’s hand to ground myself.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes, it’s just a lot.” My wet tennis shoes squeaked on the polished wood floors.

“This is amazing,” Shin said. “Look at the ceiling. Who bothers to make a ceiling so ornate?”

I looked up at the intricately carved wooden arches along the hallway. “Who dusts them?” I muttered.

Kayin laughed. “They do look very clean from down here.”

Ramsey tugged on my hand. “You’re such a romantic.”

Kayin and Shin walked next to each other pointing out things which caught their attention. Their hands brushed as they walked. Their fingers would twitch sometimes, reaching like they were going to hold hands and then curling in away from the other. The sparks of longing, fear, sadness, and confusion were going to make me cry soon.

“They're driving me nuts,” Ramsey whispered in my ear. His hot breath made me shiver. “I want to grab them and make them hold hands.”

That was one way to go about it. “We shouldn’t interfere, but I agree.”

“Wow, that’s some bed,” Ramsey said.

Rich cream velvet hung down from the ceiling, framing the back. The fabric was gathered on the sides. The duvet was the same rich cream with a white leaf pattern, and plump white pillows covered the top. It stood in the middle of a dark green, paneled wall. This room was less cluttered—I guess to show what it originally looked like. It was so big it seemed empty. But I supposed if it was a woman’s room she’d need the floor space to get around in those big poofy dresses.

Sighing, I watched as Shin and Kayin’s hands continued to accidentally bump against each other. Then Shin changed the game. He turned his hand so Kayin’s hand bumped into his open palm. I squeezed Ramsey’s hand and held my breath. Kayin didn’t move his hand for a second, then he turned, and their fingers curled around each other. Yes! Internal squee and happy dance.

Kayin looked back at me. I grinned so big it hurt my cheeks. He shook his head, and I bet he was blushing.

“Where should we go next?” Shin asked.

I looked at the map. There was still a lot I hadn’t seen yet, but I needed an excuse to get outside. Seeing the gardens in winter wasn’t going to be believable. “They have a maze.”

“Where?” Shin asked, stopping to look at my map. I guess he didn’t want to let go of Kayin’s hand to look at his.

“It’s outside past The Wilderness.” I pointed at the map. “Can we go?”

“Sounds like fun to me.” Ramsey adjusted the strap on his yoga bag.

“If that is what you want, Little Sister,” Kayin said.

“Well, let’s go,” Shin said, walking towards the exit. “After we get all cold we can have tea, then tour the rest of the house.”

Orderly. The gardens were the most controlled and precise gardens I’d ever seen. They were beautiful, but the forced control on the plants didn’t appeal to me. Many of the trees were naked for the winter, but some were still green, their boughs shaped into rounded cones. The trees seemed embarrassed like toddlers dressed in sailor outfits by their parents.

The gravel crunched under our feet as we walked through the trees of The Wilderness to get to the maze. A cold wind blew around us and something reached out to me. A stag stood amongst the trees. He snorted and turned. I had to follow him, but I needed to do it alone. How? Shin would follow if I just started walking off into the woods, and there wasn’t a way to ask Kayin for help.

If only I could go all Jedi on Shin and have him wait here. I touched my throat. I could, but on Shin for something like this? There had to be a better way. I wracked my brain but couldn’t think of anything else. The stag followed us, and I felt his irritation.

I let go of Ramsey’s hand and took a deep breath letting my necklace connect me to Akasha. Power flowed into me and I concentrated it all in my throat. Shin stiffened and looked around.

“Bathroom,” I gasped, letting the power go. “I have to go to the bathroom. There’s a bench right there, you guys sit and I’ll be right back.”

“You couldn’t have thought of this when we passed them?” Shin teased.

I sniffed. “I didn’t have to go then.”

“I’ll walk with you,” Ramsey said. “You two have fun; we’ll be right back.”

Shin grinned and tugged Kayin towards the bench. A bench which faced the opposite direction, yes! We walked a ways down the path then headed into the trees. “Did you see the stag?” I asked.

“It’s not just a stag, it’s one of Cernunnos’ stags. One of his messengers.”

“What? Who?” I said and focused on the ground so I wouldn’t trip.

“He’s a god of the forest, and protects the animals and beings living there. Well, as best as he can these days,” Ramsey said.

“How can you tell?” I hadn’t felt anything magical coming from the stag.

“He’s marked. The ring of white fur around his neck is a torc.”

“Oh.” I’d thought it was a natural marking.

The stag stopped in front of a large tree. Its leaves were long gone, so I had no idea what kind it was. The gray-brown bark was decorated with pale, dusty-green lichen. I let go of Ramsey’s hand and opened the connection to Akasha. I took a deep breath then exhaled and placed my hands on the rough bark.

“Hello, Phoenix sapling,” a voice echoed in my head, it was slow and thick like the cold sap creeping through the tree. “I’m so glad you’ve come. I’m Oak.”

“Hello. Shamash and Aya said I needed to speak to you. That you could help me find Avalon,” I said. Focusing on the words and not the images and memories of the past five hundred years. My head throbbed at the amount of information flowing into me.

A face slowly formed in the bark, round plump cheeks, small kind eyes, a large hooked nose, and thin smiling lips. I couldn’t tell if Oak was old or young because of the bark. Ramsey gasped. I guess he saw the face too.

“Avalon sunk down into Earth, little sapling, allowing our mother to protect those who honor her and those of Akasha. Only those of magic who seek to help Avalon can enter.” Oak laughed as a squirrel ran up its trunk and ducked into its nest. “The doorway is in the Tor.”

“Okay.” I would need to write this down. Right now it didn’t make much sense.

Oak sighed. “I will tell the trees to let all the magical creatures know to go to Avalon. They will be there when you are ready.”

“How will you know? I don’t even know when I’ll be there.”

“Because timing is everything.” Oak yawned. “Come visit me in the summer one day when I have the energy to talk. I would love to hear about all your adventures.”

Oak’s face sank back into the tree. I blinked as the connection faded. “I will, Oak, and thank you.” As I stepped back my knees buckled and Ramsey caught me.

“Are you okay? You were—well, whatever you were doing, took almost thirty minutes.”

“Crap, how are we going to explain that?” I said, standing up and shaking the pins and needles out of my legs.

He grinned.

I smiled and stepped back, it was his evil “but it’ll be so much fun” grin.

“I have an idea.” He scooped me up and placed me on the ground.

“I’ll get leaves and grass in my hair,” I said.

“Yes, we both will.” He lay next to me and ran his fingers over my cheek. I held my breath. Leaning over, he pressed his lips to mine. They were warm and slightly chapped. Then they were gone. I opened my eyes, when had I closed them?

“Okay, hen?”

I looked into his warm black eyes and nodded, then looked back at his mouth.

He smiled and kissed me again. His fingers threaded into my hair. He shifted, making the kiss deeper. His tongue slid across my bottom lip, and then he sucked my lower lip. Oh. I pressed my hand against his cheek, his stubble was rough under my palm. Ramsey slid his tongue between my lips. My tongue met his, and Ramsey’s arm slid behind me. He rolled us over so he lay on the grass.

The kiss ended. I leaned up and looked down at him.

He smiled. “Now, you have a good excuse for why we were gone so long. In fact, I doubt they’ll even ask once they see you.”

“Is that why you kissed me?”

“Well, it was the first gentlemanly reason I could find to snog you.”

I blushed. “Oh.”

That wicked grin was back as Ramsey buried his fingers in my hair. “I think I’ll have to kiss you at least one more time, if they are going to believe that’s why we were gone.”

“As long as you’re being a gentleman, I suppose it’s fine,” I teased.

“Of course,” he said pressing his lips to mine.

* * *

“We thought we’d have to send out a search party,” Shin said, pulling a leaf from my hair.

My face was so hot I was afraid my brain would fry.

Kayin glared at Ramsey and took my arm. “Come with me, Little Sister, we need to talk. Shin keep an eye on him.”

Shin laughed. “Whatever you want.”

Kayin ducked his head and led me down the path. “Are you okay? Did he force you to do anything? Do you want Shin and me to deal with him?”

“Big Brother, calm down.” I whispered. “I went to speak to the hamadrayad. We took so long Ramsey decided to use kissing as an excuse for being gone so long.”

“So he didn’t kiss you?”

“No, he did, but only twice, well three times.” I blushed and looked at the ground. “It was really nice.”

“And he behaved himself?” Kayin asked.

“Yes, he didn’t try to put his hands anywhere he shouldn’t have.”

Kayin sniffed and looked back at Ramsey with a glare. “Good.”

“What about Shin? Was he a gentleman?” I asked.

Kayin looked at the ground and I swear his cheeks were darker. “We talked and held hands. I don’t … I don’t know what to do.”

His emotions itched against my skin, anxiety, confusion, a bit of fear. “What do you mean? Do about what?”

“I don’t know how to act. Do I let him lead, am I supposed to lead? I’ve only seen male/female relationships, and there were clear boundaries, roles, and rituals in place. We’re both men—I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh.” Wow. Okay, how to help with this? “Well, every relationship is unique. Having grown up in San Francisco I’ve seen all kinds of gay men. I’ve seen skinny young men, big hairy men wearing leather, feminine fashion gods, drag queens, and business men in suits. They dated men different from them and men like them. Shin likes you, just as you are. You don’t have to change, and you two will figure it out.”

“I’m still not sure, that’s what we talked about. That I like him, but I still have to choose between risking losing my family and him,” Kayin said.

I took Kayin’s hand. “Not just him, but being true to yourself. Shin and you might be together forever, or you might date for a few months and realize it doesn’t work between the two of you. You're choosing between possibly losing your family and being true to who you really are.”

Kayin sighed.

“What did Shin say?” I asked.

“He was kind,” Kayin said. “He said he understood that this was a difficult decision, and he would be here to help me as a friend or more.” Kayin bit his lip. “Are you sure I wouldn’t have to change if we dated?”

“Big Brother, Shin likes you. I think the only thing he wants to change is how much to two of you touch.”

“You are naughty,” Kayin said.

I grinned. “Maybe, but it’s the truth.”

“So have I passed?” Ramsey asked. “May I walk with Sapphire through the maze?”

“Walk in front of us, so we can make sure you’re being a gentleman,” Kayin said.

I laughed and held my hand out for Ramsey as we walked into the maze. Bushes had been shaped and grown until they were well above our heads.

He took my hand and winked at Kayin. “You just want to check out my arse.”

Kayin’s mouth fell open, and an odd squeak was the only noise he made.

Shin grabbed Kayin’s hand. “Well, it is worth looking at.”

“Cheers, mate.”

“Hey, could you move your yoga bag it’s blocking the view?” Shin asked.

Ramsey chuckled and moved his bag.

“Yes, quite nice,” said Shin.

“You're so bad,” I said. Poor Kayin was flustered and confused.

“So,” I said turning to Ramsey. “What are you doing Tuesday night?”

“I have a gig until eleven. Why?”

“Miu organized a party for my birthday, and I was hoping you could come. It doesn’t start until ten because we have a show at seven, so maybe you can come after your gig?”

Ramsey squeezed my hand. “Of course I’ll be there. Where is it?”

“It’s a club called Enchanted.”

Ramsey smiled. “Perfect. It’ll take only seconds for me to get there.”

“Oh, are you playing close by?”

“Yep, fate must want to keep us together.”

I blushed. It did seem that way.

* * *

We ran laughing into the theater, bursting through the doors at four-fifty-nine. The other performers were walking around settling into their pre-performance routine. The stale scent of popcorn, sweat, and make-up hung heavy in the air. Guh, I wanted to open all the doors and windows.

“Have a fun day?” Michael asked.

“Yes, it was great,” I said, hanging up my things.

Michael smiled. “Good. Now all of you get ready.”

“See you guys later,” Shin said.

“Bye,” Kayin said.

—Back at the theater. Things went well. Will tell you all about it after the show. I’ll text when I’m back at the hotel. Nothing urgent or dangerous, I texted to Gavin.

I shivered at the memory of the others accusing me of lying and putting them in danger, so I sent the text to everyone. There, that should keep them happy. I still wasn’t sure what I had done to have them think so badly of me. I gathered up my things and changed into my costume and went to warm up.

Kayin and Shin weren’t there yet, but the others were. I went to a corner by myself, no point in getting into another argument.

“Sapphire, can I talk to you?” Miu asked.

I reached out and clasped my hands under my feet. “Sure what’s up?”

“I want to apologize. I thought about what was said the other day. We did start out worried, with the baby coming, and what happened at the party, and then I don’t know we started talking and then thought that maybe you were keeping things from us. Then we got angry that you were keeping things from us.” Miu sighed. “We should have—no, I should have talked to you. We share a room. I had plenty of chances to talk to you. I’m sorry I let myself get carried away and didn’t trust you.”

I forced back tears and fought to keep my face and breathing normal. They had all sat down and talked about me and decided I was risking their safety and lying to them. That is who they thought I was?

Kayin had been hurt that I had lied to him at the museum. We had talked that out, but the others thought the worst about me. “It’s okay, sometimes people get carried away. I understand.”

But I didn’t understand. My heart ached and my eyes burned. I thought we were becoming a family. I had been stupid enough to think this once before. I’d been with my second foster mom for two years. She bought me all sorts of stuff, let me paint my room purple, and even bought me a kitten. There were two of us girls living with her, and we were treated like princesses. Then she chose to adopt the other girl, and I was put into a group home. I gave up the dream of having a family and refused to go to another foster home after that.

“And we’re still on for Tuesday before your party at the club right?” Miu asked.

“Lunch and some mystery event before the show,” I said plastering on a smile and dredging up enthusiasm.

“I’m so glad,” she said blinking rapidly. Her eyes shone with tears. “We’re going to have so much fun. I found a Japanese restaurant to go to. And then for the surprise.”

“Do I need to wear anything specific for this surprise?” I asked.

“Nope, jeans are fine. I have to go, my makeup takes forever. I’ll see you later. I can’t wait to hear about what happened with hamadryad.”

“Bye Miu.”

Pretending to be okay takes a lot of energy. I exhaled and began to move into my warm up routine, letting the familiar movements relax me.

“So you and Miu are all happy happy again,” Sasha said.

What had crawled up his ass and died? “What do you need?”

“I’m not going to apologize,” Sasha blurted out.

“Okay.” Like I cared.

Taliesin came over. His worry danced around me, but my own anger blocked it from reaching me.

“So I assume I can’t come to hear what happened if I don’t do what you want,” Sasha said.

“Yes, that’s right,” I snapped. “I don’t even know why you’re asking. I feel like I’ve shown myself to be such a selfish, cruel, egomaniac that if you aren’t behaving exactly as I want, then I’ll shun you and treat you like crap. That is my normal behavior, but I’m positive that if you get to Gavin and Anali first, they’ll make sure you can stay despite the huge fit I’m likely to have.”

I stood up. Taliesin and Sasha’s mouths hung open. What were they expecting? Exactly how much do they think I can take? Anger—no, fury—pulsed through me like bolts of lightning. “I don’t want you to apologize. Do you think it will do any good? You showed me exactly what you think of me and some stupid words said out of guilt won’t fix anything.”

“Sapphire,” Taliesin said. “Your hand is on fire.”

I clenched my fists, then exhaled and opened my fingers wide shoving everything down as much as possible. The fire faded, thankfully before anyone saw anything.

“Is everything okay?” Shin asked from the other side of the room.

“Yes,” I said. “It’s all good.”

I turned and grabbed my towel and water bottle. Empty red-rimmed eyes stared at me from the mirror. Thank goodness for makeup.

“What about Miu?” Sasha asked.

I shrugged. “What about her? I have no intention of saying anything to her. Why hurt her like that?”

“So you can work it out,” Taliesin said.

I snorted. God, they were stupid. “Work what out? That you all think I’m a selfish bitch who puts you in danger and doesn’t support you in any way? How does that get fixed? Not by talking. I have to go and do my make-up.”

“Sapphire,” Shin said pulling me into a hug. “You're the worst liar ever.”

“Not here,” I said, my face buried in his chest and tears burning my eyes.

Shin lifted me off the floor and started walking. Somehow he found a dark, quiet corner and sat. “We’re alone.”

I curled into him and began to cry.

He didn’t say anything, just held me and let me cry, and held me some more.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered.

“For what?”

I sat up and wiped my face on my towel then tried to dry him off.

“Sapphire, don’t worry about it. I don’t wear this for the show,” Shin said. “Do you want to tell me what happened, or is this about the secret you all are keeping?”

I stiffened. Crap, oh crap. What was I supposed to say now?

“Relax,” Shin said. “You don’t have to tell me.”

“How did you know?” I asked.

Shin chuckled. “Because I see with my eyes open. So do you want to talk about it in obtuse vague terms?”

I laughed. “It’s not a big deal. I just thought that we were becoming a family, and that they trusted me, but they don’t and we aren’t.”

“What happened?”

“Basically, they were worried I was keeping secrets from them. Instead of asking, or considering that I had simply forgotten, they thought I was keeping secrets on purpose. And not little things, either, but keeping things from them that could keep them safe.”

“But that’s not who you are,” Shin said. “Maybe they're stressed out. People do say things they don’t mean when angry.”

“Things they don’t mean or things they didn’t mean to say?” I asked.

Shin sighed. “Things that are only a part of what they think. You are the leader, and they are worried that you will keep something from them. They're afraid that if you don’t care enough about them, they might not get important information. But they also trust you, they look to you when things happen. They became afraid, which turned into anger, and they lashed out with their fears, not their hopes.”

“But I’ve never done anything like that before. I don’t purposefully keep important information from them.”

“No, but if you did, they’d be in trouble,” Shin said. “And in the eight months we’ve traveled together, this is the first time you’ve done things without them. You guys are always together. Either in small groups or as a whole. Maybe they are feeling insecure about how important they are to you. Maybe they're wondering if they’re replaceable?”

“I suppose, but they have made friends and gone off to do things with them.” People are too confusing, I liked being a recluse better.

“They make friends with other people in the circus, people who are already part of our family,” Shin said.

I rubbed my face. “So what do I do?”

“I don’t know. Could you give them the benefit of the doubt, the way you hope they will give you? Assume they are speaking out of fear and anger instead of hope and love.”

“Maybe,” I said, but did not pout.

Shin laughed. “You don’t have to decide tonight, but we do have to get ready for the show.”

“Thank you, for helping me. I didn’t even realize how upset I was.”

Shin wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “Of course. And if you want to tell me your secret, I’ll listen.”

* * *

This time everyone was spread out around the coffee table in Gavin and Anali’s room, eating the food that had been ordered and badly faking being relaxed.

Kayin sat on the arm of the chair I was curled up on. I took a huge bite of raspberry brownie. At least being here wasn’t a total waste.

“So,” Gavin began, sitting next to Anali who looked alert and had pink cheeks. Her hands were decorated with red-brown mehendi patterns. “I don’t need to be an empath to know something is wrong.”

I shrugged. “We can’t get along all the time.”

“Well, I hope you all sort it out before your birthday party,” Anali said. “I’d hate for this misunderstanding to ruin your special day.”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine. So about the hamadryad,” I said. It wasn’t the smoothest segue, but I wasn’t interested in having an intense, touchy-feely talk.

“Wait,” Kayin said when I finished telling what had happened. “You were gone for forty-five minutes, and that’s all that happened?”

I felt my face heat up. “Well, it’s winter, and the hamadryad had to work to stay awake and focused. Anyway, I think trees probably talk more slowly when they are dormant.”

Anali leaned forward. “I hope touching Oak for that long didn’t cause any problems.”

“No, not really. I mean I saw a lot. It’s funny how people seemed to know that tree was special. They would come and talk to it all through the centuries that it grew there. Children and adults would come and talk to Oak.” I picked up an egg salad sandwich, the sugar from the brownies was started to buzz in my head—I needed some protein. “Oh, also Shin knows we're keeping some kind of a secret. He doesn’t know what, and he didn’t pressure me to tell him, but he knows something is up.”

Sasha huffed and waved his hands in the air. “See, this is what we’re talking about. You’re just telling us now?”

“Well, since I found out right before the show tonight, and since this is the first chance I’ve had to talk to all of you, telling you now seemed like the right thing to do,” I snapped.

“Did he figure it out today?” Gavin asked.

“No, I don’t think. He sounded like he’d known something was up for a while.”

“Sapphire and Ramsey did have a good excuse as to why they took so long,” Kayin said.

Taliesin raised an eyebrow. “Really, because you don’t lie well.”

“True, but I didn’t have to lie.”

Everyone looked at me. I ignored them.

“What she means is that they came back with grass and leaves in their hair, and Shin didn’t even ask what they had been doing,” Kayin said.

“And what had you been doing?” Gavin asked.

“That,” said Anali, “Is none of our business. So what do we do about Shin?”

“Stay away from him,” Miu suggested.

Kayin tensed up.

“No,” I said. “I don’t think he’s a threat.”

“But he could figure it out,” said Sasha.

“That won’t put him or us in danger,” said Gavin. “I trust Shin. I’m not ready to tell him everything, but I don’t feel the need for us to hide from him.”

“Good. I like him too,” said Anali. “So what about this Tor?”

“Well a Tor is a hill or an outcropping of rocks,” said Gavin, while looking up something on his phone. “But the most famous Tor is Glastonbury Tor which is said to have been where Avalon once was. Here.”

Gavin held up his phone and a picture of what looking like a stone gateway for a castle standing on a hill.

Sasha pointed at the phone. “That is what I saw! That is the image from my Dream.”

“So when do we go?” Taliesin asked.

We all looked around the room trying to find the person with the answer.

“Well,” began Gavin. “Oak needs time to let beings know, so not in the next few days. Sasha, could you ask in your Dreams, see if you can find any information?”

He nodded. “Da.”

“Okay, anything else?” No one said anything. Gavin clapped his hands. “All right. Well, have a good night then. Sapphire, can you stay for a bit?”

My foot twitched as I waited for everyone to leave. Was I in trouble? Were we going to have another talk about sex? Or Ramsey? I yawned. I hoped this won’t take long.

“How was the party?” I asked Anali.

“Oh, I had so much fun. We ate so much, and talked, and painted henna on each other.” She held up her hands, her palms looked like mandalas. She smiled so bright and looked healthy again, my heart relaxed. “I can’t wait for you to meet everyone tomorrow.”

“I’m looking forward to it too. I’ve never been to a wedding before. What time should I be ready?”

“The ceremony starts at two, so one-thirty?” Anali looked at Gavin.

“One-fifteen in case traffic is bad.”

“Okay, great. That’ll give me time to sleep in, and I can train in the morning before getting ready.” Uncomfortable silence. “Anything else?”

Gavin cleared his throat. “I’m sorry about the other day. When the others told me you were keeping secrets, I got scared that you were in danger. I reacted when I should have talked to you. I wish I had remembered how level headed you are most of the time, and that I do trust you.”

I sniffed but wouldn’t argue with the ‘most of the time’ comment. “It’s okay, I understand.”

“Do you?” Anali asked.

“Well, Shin explained it to me, and I’m trying. But...” I exhaled and curled up, wrapping my arms around my legs. “Do you guys really think that about me? I mean that I’m that bad of a person?”

“No.” Gavin jumped up and sat next to me. “No, not at all. I was worried, and angry at myself for not noticing you needed help, which I guess I didn’t need to do. I’m sorry.” Gavin kissed my head.

“It’s okay. I can see how your worry would make you overreact.” I could understand Gavin, but I wasn’t convinced about the others.