CHAPTER 16

Sue scrubbed the stove top, cleaning off another day’s worth of fried fish, burgers, eggs, bacon, mince and, of course, chips. Always the chips. Chips with everything. Yesterday Kevin Davis ordered a serve with his flat white at 8 a.m. She was so sick of chips.

Once the shop was cleanish, she wandered out the back to her home. World’s shortest commute, but it didn’t give her much time to stop thinking about chips. In her living room, an old sofa and a comfy chair faced the telly. She looked deliberately past, not at, the photo on the mantelpiece. Couldn’t face it today. Dealing with the reality of Leanne was difficult enough, without reminding herself how angelic she used to be.

When Sue had broken the news of Joe’s death to her, Leanne had screamed and wailed, and then retreated to her room. Sue had been in the shop later when Leanne strode past without a word into a waiting Uber. Sue’s calls and texts had gone unanswered, and she had tried not to imagine what her daughter was doing, or how she was getting the money to pay for it. Yesterday afternoon, after three days, Leanne had returned, dishevelled, vacant-eyed and smelling like a bin, and was now in bed. At least she had come back.

Sue slumped in the chair, wanting a cup of tea but, after serving others all day, lacking the energy to make one. She had hardly slept since Joe died, and it wasn’t from grief. She stared sightlessly at the lifeless television, a black painting, trying to work out whether or not she should feel guilty.

A life for a life. Almost. Leanne was not dead, true, but what sort of existence did she lead? Sex work, buying and using drugs, yearning to quit, sometimes trying, always failing. Sue had done what she could – emotional support, tough love, encouragement, emotional and financial blackmail, anything else she could think of.

They had all had such an idyllic childhood. Joe, Viv, Dev, Gary, Seb and Sal had been a gang that Leanne, a year younger, attached herself to. They were always at the jetty, the park, the beach or the bush, or riding their bikes between them. Leanne idolised Joe, attracted to the disarming recklessness that got him in and out of so much trouble. Nothing major back then, but whenever the group explored a stormwater drain, climbed steep rocks or swum out too far, it was Joe who led them and Leanne who adoringly and unthinkingly followed, while Joe’s older brother Viv fruitlessly urged caution. Apart from non-musical Dev, they had all started a band in the final years of high school. Leanne, who had never shown much enthusiasm for the Beethoven or Bach her piano teacher insisted upon, suddenly became obsessed with mastering the covers the band played at birthday parties and weddings.

Sue had read the books. Lots of them, to try to make up for denying Leanne a dad by deliberately becoming a single mum. Find something your child is interested in and feed it, they said. Leanne wasn’t going to be a doctor or a lawyer, but Sue hoped her daughter would find a more interesting job than hers, and making music was more fun than making burgers. She had wondered, however, whether Leanne’s newfound passion was driven more by her love of music or her desire to impress Joe.

Viv finished school first, then Joe, Dev, Gary, Sal and Seb two years later. They all moved to Sydney to study and work whilst Leanne did Year 12. Sue had hoped their absence might prompt Leanne to focus more on her schoolwork, but she became even less engaged. At home she was withdrawn and monosyllabic, spending hours lying on her bed on her phone. Sue spoke to her GP, who told her depression was common in teens and suggested Leanne come in. Leanne refused. Sue kept urging, Leanne kept refusing and Sue gave in first, something she bitterly regretted later. If her daughter had received treatment then, perhaps things would have turned out differently.

They limped through the year. As soon as Leanne’s final exam was done, she moved to Sydney, re-joined From Afar, got a job in a bar and, it seemed, simultaneously started going out with, and living with, Joe.

‘Joe and I have always liked each other,’ Leanne explained over the phone, ‘but at school everything’s weird. We just needed to get out of here to let it happen.’

Leanne’s ATAR was predictably poor, the ‘holiday job’ at the Glebe pub extended and Sue wondered what lay at the other end of the gap year Leanne claimed to be having. The only bright spot was the band, which had started to get paid gigs. Sue drove down to see them play and, whilst it wasn’t her type of music, she was impressed. Maybe they would make it. Maybe Leanne could be a professional musician.

Sue wasn’t sure about Joe, but told herself that was just a mother’s caution, and for the next few months, when they spoke, Leanne seemed happy. Toward the end of the year that changed. She sounded down and distant, like she had in Year 12. It turned out Joe had dumped her to go out with Sal. That would be the first, but by no means last, time Joe would hurt Leanne.

A couple of months later Sal dumped Joe, and he rebounded back to Leanne who, of course, welcomed him with open arms. Soon after, Leanne sometimes started to sound vague and slurred on the phone, while at other times extremely overcaffeinated. She also started to ask Sue regularly for money.

Sue was no fool. She suspected Leanne was using drugs and it was pretty obvious whose idea it would have been. Leanne was just doing what she had always done: following charismatic, reckless Joe into danger. Stormwater drains, cliffs, drugs.

That was seven years ago. Leanne had been in the pit ever since, because of Joe. Now, it seemed, Sue had got her revenge, and she felt terrible about it.