-
“To know thyself is the beginning
of wisdom.”
–Socrates
-
One of the great dangers of my personality is that I’ve always had a tendency to over-challenge my instincts. I think a lot of people operate on impulse—they just feel something and they go with it. In theory, it sounds great to be this free-spirited, in that such people are never stuck in their heads, though they can usually benefit from applying more thoughtful strategy to their lives. Then there are people who move though life with an appropriate amount of self-awareness, grounded in who they are while also conscious of how their words and actions affect others. And then there are people like me. I overcomplicate everything. I weigh every possibility within every situation before acting. And I get stuck in my head. I’m very thoughtful and methodical in the way I do almost everything.
I know it now—the number one reason I suffered from an eating disorder is because I didn’t trust my body or myself. As a blooming young adult, I had no sense of my own intuition. Before I reached a point where I felt secure within myself and my identity, I began challenging the ways in which I’d been conditioned. When I knew I felt sexually attracted to women, I said to myself, Yes, I feel this way. But is this [being gay] my identity? Or am I just emotionally undeveloped in understanding how to connect with men? If I work this out in therapy, will it change? When it came to being an introvert and feeling like I needed more alone time than other people, I asked more questions. Is this my actual temperament? Or is it just anxiety? Other people don’t seem to feel this way, so why should I? So I pushed myself to go out and interact with people much more frequently than I felt comfortable doing. I used reason and philosophy to disempower my needs, my desires, and all of my gut feelings.
Time and again I gave myself over to the agendas of those around me; I even allowed others to take advantage of me and then found ways to rationalize their behavior. I’ve gone to great lengths to protect other people’s feelings and reputations—for some reason, that has always felt like an inherent responsibility to me, even at the expense of my own piece of mind. It’s no wonder I eventually reached a breaking point. By the time my eating disorder finally erupted, my body was overflowing with years of harbored resentment about all the parts of myself I had given away to others. And even then, I didn’t know how to take it out on anyone but myself.
I spent so many years caught up in the external world, relying on other people and things to define me and provide me with a sense of purpose. So it was awkward at first when I finally decided to journey inward and asked myself the question, What do I want? As it turns out, no matter how many personality quizzes I take, how many astrology books I read, or how many labels I decide to apply to myself, there is no person or thing “out there” that can really define me. The knowing I have been searching for has come only through the patient process of building trust in my body and myself.
In order to do this, I had to first let go of my preconceived notion that there’s something wrong with me or that I am inadequate. I had to accept that I don’t need to enjoy the same things other people enjoy to be a legitimate human being. Then I had to journey inward and get to know myself from the inside out. This enabled me to develop self-love and become motivated to nurture myself.
Nowadays my body and I are best friends. Because I have done the work to build a relationship of trust with myself, life is just a whole lot easier now. When it comes to people, I don’t have to think so hard anymore about who I should spend time with—I can feel the energy of the people around me, and I’m attuned enough with my own self to know which energies I want to be surrounded by and which energies I don’t want anywhere near me. When it comes to social obligations and opportunities, I now recognize my own energy levels and I make an effort not to overcommit myself. That is, I know I am a person who needs time alone each week to recharge, and so I make an effort to carve out that time for myself. I have a lot of friends with whom I love spending time, but I try not to make plans with anyone unless my own needs have been met first. I also make an effort to partake in activities I actually enjoy doing with people, such as having meaningful conversations, cooking, or doing something active like biking or skating. I usually end up feeling drained and overstimulated whenever I push myself to go to crowded bars or clubs, so I try to avoid highly stimulating environments of those kinds. Taking care of myself in these ways helps me to feel more sane and grounded. And when I feel centered and happy, I’m actually a lot more fun to be around.