As we walked through Rysden’s estate to the High Council meeting room, I had so much I wanted to tell Amihanna, but I wasn’t sure where to start. I felt like I was setting her up by taking her to this meeting without telling her specifically what it would be like or what she should say. I knew she had a packet about the council members and what they did. The basic information was there, and I didn’t want to sway her thoughts or give her any predispositions against any one member. I wanted her to be who she was. I wanted her to be confident.
And yet, as we continued on our way to the meeting, I wasn’t sure if I was making the right call. The note I’d received from Jesmesha this morning before my call was confusing me, and I wasn’t sure I was doing the right thing anymore.
Jesmesha was one of the most respected people among the Aunare. She was tapped directly into the Goddess. and served as our prophet and guide. When Jesmesha spoke, we listened. Today, she said that I had to let Amihanna be comfortable in who she is so that she has the freedom and strength to say, do, and be exactly who she is. Only then would the Aunare truly rally behind her.
Yesterday, I wanted the Aunare to rally. After the call this morning, I needed it desperately. Jesmesha sending that note to me just before my call was exactly her style.
She was usually right, so I kept my mouth shut. I kept her advice to myself. Even if it went against every urge I had, I simply walked next to Amihanna. I had to be there to provide support and strength and that was it because I needed our people to rally behind us.
I hoped by staying silent I was letting her be her true self.
Wait a moment.
Did Jesmesha mean that I pressured Amihanna into this job? Is that what Jesmesha was saying about letting Amihanna be comfortable? That maybe I’d rushed it and should give her more time to become who she needed to be?
“Are you okay?” Amihanna broke the silence.
I stopped and looked down at her. “Yes. Why?”
“Your grip on my hand just tightened. Mind letting up a little?”
Goddess, take it. “I’m sorry.” I loosened my grip and brought our joined hands up to my mouth. I gave the back of her hand a soft kiss.
“You okay?” she asked as I lowered our hands and started walking again.
“Sure.” Aside from the storm of questions and doubts in my mind, I was fine.
She tilted her head at me, but didn’t say anything else.
After a moment, Jesmesha’s warning note tore through my mind again. If she meant that I was supposed to wait to marry Amihanna and make her queen, then she was too late. I wasn’t backing down from that now. She couldn’t mean that, could she?
If I was supposed to wait for Amihanna to want to be queen, why didn’t Jesmesha tell me that weeks ago?
Why didn’t she ever speak plainly and specifically with her bloody predictions?
And I knew the answer. Of course, I knew it. Even though we believed in following our destinies, there were still choices to be made. A person could even turn away from their destiny completely and go down an uncharted path. So, she only gave vague predictions and answers.
We passed a maid, who had paused to bow her head. I gave her a nod, so that she could keep moving on with her day.
The guards were around us, protecting us, but they knew everyone who worked in the estate. They kept track of everyone that was coming onto our property every day and the times they would arrive. If this maid wasn’t supposed to be here in this hallway at this time of day, they would’ve moved into action.
And still, I didn’t trust Amihanna’s guards. The blood had been cleaned from the hallway, but I still felt it in every wall, every room, every atom of this place because it had been violated with their deceit.
We were in the process of starting to rebuild Amihanna’s team, but that was going to take time.
I glanced at Eshrin, Amihanna’s head guard. He would stay on, but I had questions about some of those he had set for interviews later today. Yet I knew I couldn’t do everything. I had to let Amihanna handle her team, but I would question anyone who met with her approval. I needed to know her team and trust them. She was the most important person in my life, and I would do everything in my power to protect her.
There was so much against her. There was so much we needed to happen and quickly.
Goddess, please help us all. I hoped I was making the right choices.
The woman holding my hand as we made our way to the High Council meeting was everything. She was quiet today, and I knew I was as silent as she was.
I looked down at her again. Almya had put her in a lovely outfit that suited Amihanna, but also would show off her fao’ana when her skin brightened. The marks that showed on our skin were bright beacons that served to tell everyone who we were. The ones on the forearms showed a person’s true abilities and aptitudes. The fao’ana that lit on our backs showed symbols of our past, our present, and our future. The symbols on our back would shift and change depending on our choices in life, but they could serve as a guide. And in Amihanna’s case, they were proof of who she truly was.
Amihanna still struggled with showing everyone her fao’ana, but she was going to find that some things were easier when the Aunare could see the marks on her skin. They wouldn’t be able to ignore the truth of her destiny when they could clearly see them.
Her brown eyes caught mine, and I saw my future in hers. The many versions Jesmesha had shown me. The ones where I died, or worse—the ones where she died—they were awful and haunting.
I saw that same haunted look in her eyes, and I wondered if it was the future haunting them or her past.
Either way, I wanted it gone.
I paused just long enough to press my lips to hers. “You’re going to do fine. I promise.”
“Right.” She said the word, but it sounded like she meant the opposite.
I wished I could make this easier for her, but the weight of rule was heavy and there was so much that we were up against. So much that had to happen. So many lives in the balance.
After the call this morning, I felt now more than ever that everything and everyone was against us, and Amihanna and I needed to be strong, united, a force to shift the fates of space and time in our favor. If we were, then the Aunare would rally.
The Aunare needed to rally. They needed to come to terms with the fact that we were at war and that they were going to have to do their part. If we weren’t very careful, we were all about to meet the Goddess.
I wished I could talk to Amihanna about my call this morning, about our allies, about what Jesmesha said, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t put that burden on her. Not yet. Not when she’d been so reluctant to rule. It wasn’t fair to pile everything on top of her in a matter of days. Eventually, she’d have to know how bad things truly were, but for now, I kept walking, hoping I’d have enough time to ease her into this mess we were in.
Amihanna was anxious about taking this role. With the High Council, I was giving her an easy place to start with very little risk. She needed to find her voice as a ruler, and this should do that for her and quickly. The High Council was an infuriating bunch. I was betting on the fact that she wouldn’t be able to stay quiet when truly frustrated and angry with them.
I squeezed her hand. “Don’t be nervous.” I wanted to tell her that she had nothing to be afraid of, but those were wasted words. She would see it as a platitude and nothing more, even if it was the truth.
“You can tell?” She sounded half-horrified, half-curious. It was the horrified part that made me want to laugh.
I tugged on our joined hands so that she stumbled into me, and then wrapped my arm around her shoulders, tucking her against my side. “No one else could, but I’m your shalshasa.” I lowered my head to whisper to her. “I can feel your mood and the tension inside you ratcheting up as we walk. There’s nothing for you to be nervous about, but I know that won’t mean much until you’ve been in front of the High Council.”
Her color brightened a little, and I wasn’t sure if it was my words or her nerves.
“It feels intimidating,” she said finally.
It had been my words, which meant she didn’t believe me. She was taking it as platitudes, just as I’d thought she would. Still, I knew I had to say it, especially when there was so much I was holding back.
“And… this is something I want to get right,” she said.
Goddess. I felt that so much.
I wanted to get being her partner right. I wanted to get being the Aunare High King right. I wanted to find the right way to fight for my people, but I was pretty sure I was failing on all fronts.
I dragged my fingertips down her cheek, gaining comfort from the way her skin went even brighter with my touch. She looked at me with so much love, and I could only think of how unworthy I was for it.
“You won’t get it all right. You will fail, especially at first.”
She made a face, and I knew she wanted me to say something encouraging.
I wasn’t sure how encouraging the truth was, but that’s what I could give her. “On a good day, this is a hard, frustrating job with enormous responsibility. Since you have a passion for what you think the Aunare should do from here on out and the High Council largely disagrees, it will be even more frustrating. But I will be there with you and feeling the exact same thing, even if I can’t show it. Being High King should mean that I can do, say, and feel whatever I want, but if I do that, then the people will revolt. So, it’s a delicate game. One we have to play carefully.”
She let out a long, heavy sigh, and I knew she was feeling the same weight of responsibility. “I’m not good at playing games like that.”
“At five years old, you were the best strategist that I’d ever come across, and after everything you’ve gone through, you’re infinitely better now. You can absolutely play games like that.” I tried to think of one piece of advice that I could give her that would help and yet not interfere with Jesmesha’s predictions.
Why did she send me that damned note? Wasn’t this hard enough already?
I swallowed down my own frustrations. Amihanna didn’t need that right now. “The High Council seems intimidating, but it’s largely a safe place. Standing up in front of them and speaking is how I learned to rule. It might feel as if your father and I are throwing you in the deep end, but that’s not true. It’s shallow waters, and I’m with you.” It was more than her father gave me, and a universe more than my father ever taught me, but I wanted to say more.
And yet, Jesmesha’s message had me biting my tongue. Again.
Damn her.
“Any advice for me?” She looked up at me with so much hope that my heart broke open.
I wanted to say just the right thing to give her the courage she needed, and I knew I wasn’t saying enough. “Speak from your heart. You are a leader. You will lead with me.” I ran my fingertip down her right forearm, lighting up the fao’ana. “Just as your fao’ana says. Trust your instincts. You will know what to do.”
She let out a slow breath and then turned to face the door. “Okay,” she said with courage that humbled me. “Let’s do this.”
I nodded to Ashino—my head guard—and he opened the door. “Let’s do this,” I echoed her words back to her.
I believed Amihanna would be the greatest High Queen the Aunare had ever seen, but I needed her to believe it.
She didn’t yet, but once she did, nothing would stand in her way.
Nothing could ever stand in her way. That was the power she wielded inside her. I just needed to stand out of her way so that she could see it.