two
The Initiate
Reclaiming the Dark Mother
One thing that comes out in myths
is that at the bottom of the abyss comes the voice
of salvation. The black moment is the moment
when the real message of transformation is going to come. At the darkest moment comes the light.
–Joseph Campbell
Imagine you are on the lip of a canyon, looking out across a deep rift in the earth. Within the canyon, dark and wild below, is an inky black crack in the earth that holds no light. On the other side of the canyon is a meadow filled with beautiful trees, and instantly you know that place; it is your inner garden, your own secret place of nourishment and joy. As you glance below, wondering how you will cross over to the other side, the wind suddenly picks up, blowing across your face and whipping your hair around. The breeze feels good and alive, calling you to your sacred garden that awaits you. Yet, you know that to get there, you must first descend into the darkness below, to become the Initiate. There is no other way to reach the garden that awaits you. In your mind’s eye, you see the dark cave deep in the earth; it is frightening, but it is also filled with glittering, golden boxes that overflow with treasure. Outside the cave is a fierce dragon, a monster that bares its teeth, illuminating your inner fear. Yet you carry the torch of the Fire Bearer and you call out for guidance as you begin to make your way into the unknown below. You feel the reassuring presence of a guide next to you, supporting your descent. In your mind, worries dissolve and you know that by facing the darkness below, you will re-emerge as the power-filled Initiate.
We have planted our Fire Bearer seeds and are ready to cross the threshold into an even more power-filled place on the sacred feminine journey: the path of the Initiate. The Initiate is the part of us that is willing to face our inner darkness within and transform pain and fear into power. This often requires a leap of faith, an initiation into the mysteries of the sacred feminine. In this chapter, the Initiate comes in the form of Inanna, the ancient Sumerian goddess who descended deep into the underworld to face the dark mother and after three days was reborn anew. This chapter contains several exercises along with the myth and ceremony to work with meeting your inner Initiate.
Initiation is a deep surrender; it is the courage to really give ourselves over to the universe, goddess, or larger self. When we are initiated, we are taking the great leap into the unknown; it is a complete letting go. Giving birth is an example of initiation where we must completely let go, in a way that is also active, wild, and has the potential to be deeply empowering. Other forms of initiation include times when we have faced inner turmoil, deep loss, or a vast mystery. Can you remember a time in the night when you cried so hard in your desperate fear of losing control that indeed a shift occurred? This is a form of initiation.
The Initiate’s path into power enables us to meet the dark mother who lives in the recesses of our being. The dark mother comes in several mythic forms throughout history. Goddesses of ancient times abound in guarding the underworld, a place of rest for the dead or associated with the ocean of blood, the primordial life force of the universe and earth. Ereshkigal (who is featured in the myth below) is the dark mother visited by Inanna. Kali, the black, fearsome Hindu goddess, slays illusion with her curved sword; Hecate is a Greek dark goddess of death and magic; Hel is the Norse queen of the underworld; and Lilith, whose name means night, was considered Adam’s first wife. Lilith refused to lay under him or submit to his dominance and was later demonized into a harlot of hell by overzealous religiosity. This fall from grace and power is a lesson in the story of the dark mother, who has been pushed underground for the last several thousand years. Many goddesses were demolished, demonized, demoted, or completely changed from powerful female forms into male rulers and gods.
The dark mother is one of the fiercest aspects of the goddess; she is the wild and untamable part of our selves. Here we find rage, fury, sorrow, fear, pain, guilt, and despair as well as limitlessness, depth, ancientness, the wilderness, and portals into the unknown. Much of the power of the dark goddess has been relegated to what we associate with negative, bad, even evil. As the ancient worship of the sacred feminine shifted into predominate masculine power, we find that not only goddesses but all things female become relegated to this terrible, sinful state. In several cultures, women, birth, indigenous people, dark forests, menstruation, blood, sickness, old age, and death all became associated with evil, the devil, and sinister devouring. These qualities may surface as we face our inner self, confront her, and finally surrender to the shadow aspects that are not allowing us to grow more firmly into power. The feminine qualities of darkness, moistness, birth, and blood symbolize the dark mother and our inner Initiate. We have been taught to deny these parts of our selves and bodies; honoring the sacred feminine invites you to reclaim these as not only part of who you are, but a powerful aspect of your life.
When we face our shadow, we are initiated into our deepest powers. We may be afraid of these parts; these howling, undernourished, repressed, and rage-filled aspects of ourselves that demand to be heard, but which we cannot bear to face. Perhaps we are comfortable in our denial or deadened enough to simply tread water, keeping our head up, looking toward the brilliant sky and sun without realizing the murky water is damaging to our being and needs to be made clear.
When I was nineteen I had cancer, a life-changing and initiatory event. The journey into fear and illness, through and back into regular life, had the hallmarks of initiation. I had to give up things, face my fears, choose to live, then navigate back to wellness, shedding the symbolic skins (my hair falling out) and finding a source of joy and inspiration (dance, art, and school). The journey was not easy, but what made it bearable were my family and my dance community.
There are two ways to confront the lost parts of our selves and reclaim our feminine power: willingly and unwillingly. I have both willingly and unwillingly been initiated into the dark parts of my self. I have brought back many gifts, yet there were many long months of pain and depression before I surfaced. Unwillingly I dealt with cancer at nineteen. When I was twenty-six, my first-born daughter died just a few days after birth. Both of those experiences forced me to face dark parts of myself. Willingly I have worked on deep healing of my own trauma around these instances, healing my wounds. At some point it becomes necessary to face the darkness and embrace it. We can recognize that moving through darkness is an initiation into power. Once this happens, we no longer need to continue identifying so strongly with suffering and our personal drama; we become strong and full of power.
Whether we decide to deliberately enter the darkness or have been cast there unwillingly, the Initiate asks us to journey into the unknown. This is where guidance becomes essential to our development. We may choose to ask for female guidance, such as the dark mother, Mary or Green Tara, our own mother or grandmother, or our own higher self. If you are accustomed to calling on the god as your guidance, I encourage you to open up to the feminine aspect of the divine. Call her “the mother” if “the goddess” feels too difficult. Try, because you are in a female form.
Ancestral Gifts
The first step in empowering our inner Initiate is to ask for help. In our current society of fierce independence and value on self-advancement, this is an important step in surrendering to the larger connection of our world and universe and aids in activation of the Initiate. When you read Inanna’s myth below, you’ll see that her helper, her sister Ninshubur, was crucial in aiding her return from the underworld. Similarly, Hi’iaka, a kind sister, supported Pele in her times of darkness as Fire Bearer. Traditional cultures use ancestors and spirit guides to help during major life changes, receiving healing, and answering bigger life questions. If you have never used guides, this is a perfect time to begin working with them. There are several types of guides we can connect with, and we will work with different ones at different points in this book.
Our first personal guide connection is to our ancestors. Our DNA carries the imprints of our genealogical lineage and has a direct influence on our lives. We are intricately connected to the people in our families, who deeply influence our lives whether we realize it or not. An immediate connection to our sacred feminine lies in the stories of our grandmothers, our mothers, and our aunts. Not only are they our relatives, they are also the first glimpses of feminine power that entered our consciousness as small children. By connecting with our female ancestors, we have the opportunity to honor their gifts as well as heal the pain they may have suffered while on earth.
I have a strong, spiritual connection with my Hungarian grandmother. When she was alive, I could often feel her pain or joy from hundreds of miles away, and she would know when I was visiting my parents' home, calling on the phone to speak with me. I inherited her sharp, penetrating mind and clear vision. My other grandmother, my mother’s mother, took up quilting late in her life. Her beautiful stitching and creative combinations surrounded me as a child along with the homemade dresses she crafted for my sister and me. She was also a brilliant letter writer, describing family events through letters to people throughout her life. I feel I’ve inherited her gifts as weaver and storyteller. I also connect with my daughter who died a few days after birth, Rubybleu. Very soon after her death, I was overwhelmed by the sense that she had become my ancestor. Although I am her mother and I gave birth to her, her spirit is a guide, a relative connected by blood who has crossed over. The experience of losing Rubybleu left me with many gifts. One of those gifts is my growing capacity to sense and communicate with unborn baby spirits around women and families. Honoring the ancestors nourishes us and is a potent guide for working with initiation on the sacred feminine path.
Calling on Guidance and the Ancestors
Connecting with our feminine ancestors and sending healing is a potent way to reclaim our power as women. Sometimes we are given very clear messages about how we can further honor our ancestors and may feel compelled to research their stories, do a DNA test to find out our ancestry (especially descendants of slaves, who often have broken family trees), or collect letters and photographs from the past. This helps give a voice to the stories that are flowing through our blood, connects us to the larger family tree, and helps us see how diverse and interconnected we are.
Spend time at your altar that you constructed in the exercise in the Introduction. Continue to add images of the sacred feminine, of goddesses; photos and jewelry from your mother, grandmothers, aunts; symbols that represent the divine feminine, such as circles, snakes, images of the moon, the yoni, and plants. Create sacred space by calling in the directions and casting a circle. Then sit quietly and think of your feminine ancestors. Light candles in their honor if you wish. First thank them for their gifts, stories, and joys that they shared with you. Think of all the things they did in their lifetimes: the meals they cooked, the children they raised, the gardens they tended, the people they loved. Think back over the stories of their lives and open your heart in gratitude and connection. Know that in your bones is the DNA that you have inherited from them and that the stories from woman to woman have inevitably been passed down to you. Give an offering on your altar in memory of these women, perhaps flowers, beads, or something that reminds you of them. If you have jewelry from your grandmothers or mother, choose to wear it for one moon (one month) to relate to their power, calling in their wisdom and connecting to your family’s sacred feminine.
As you sit in the candlelight, you may also want to ask for specific guidance from your grandmother (I use the word “grandmother,” but this could be any female deceased relative). Concentrate on the breath and the intention to connect with your feminine ancestors. Imagine one of your grandmothers sitting across from you. She is sending you love and light, and you can send love and light back to her. Feel the exchange between the two of you and spend several moments honoring the healing energy. When you feel ready, form a question clearly in your mind. Ask your question either silently or aloud and visualize her receiving the question. Sit quietly for some time and wait for a response.
You may also ask questions using the journey method (see the second part of Exercise 2.2 on page 41) or an oracle such as tarot cards. You may experience a symbolic answer. Make sure to write down the cards or messages you receive and leave them to analyze later. When you feel your grandmother has answered, wait a few more moments and see if you need to ask anything else, either for clarification or a further question. Again, wait and receive the message, writing it down. You may want to also ask her if there is anything you should do to help maintain your connection with your ancestors. Once I was told by a psychic to eat cabbage to work with my ancestors. Well, my grandmother was Hungarian and cabbage is a very common food in Hungary! It seemed silly at first, but not only have I eaten cabbage since then, I have learned some of the dishes my grandmother used to make and feel I am honoring her each time I cook them.
When you are finished, send healing love and golden light to your grandmother. Take some time to generate gratitude in your heart for connecting with her. Imagine her surrounded by a golden bubble and floating off and away into the universe. She is moving on for now, but you know in your heart that you can access her as needed.
After you have comfortably accessed your matrilineal side, try connecting with your grandfathers, fathers, and uncles in the same way. Feel the wisdom from the male side of your family that also flows through your blood, the adventure, courage, strength, and visionary aspects of the men who have seeded the women in your family. This promotes healing for men in your family who have also suffered suppression in the past. When you have completed your efforts, again thank the ancestors. Close the sacred space and honor each of the elements.
When you go to sleep, set an intention to dream of your ancestors. Be open to the messages and omens that may appear in the days that follow. When I began working on this book, I began to have more dreams of my Hungarian grandmother in particular. One dream was especially powerful, as she visited me in glowing light and stressed that she was not dead, but alive and well. She looked radiant and beautiful, sitting atop her hospital bed, and I was filled with joy at seeing her again. When I woke up, I looked at the calendar and realized it was April 23, the anniversary of my other grandmother’s passing! The two were inextricably linked in my own mind from that point on and I use their guidance as needed.
Inanna
Inanna is the Sumerian name for the goddess who is queen of all the heavens and earth. She is the mother of culture, the great goddess of the Fertile Crescent who ruled over the abundant lands of Sumer, today known as Iraq. As history unfolded, Inanna transformed into Ishtar, Astarte, and later Athena and Aphrodite. Inanna bestowed upon humans the gifts of civilization, called the me or mother-wisdom, including arts such as writing, literature, law, calendars, and engineering. Grain was sacred to Inanna, and the connection between food, growth, and women and their monthly cycles was honored by ancient people of Sumer.
One of the oldest stories on earth is the myth of Inanna’s descent into the underworld. This tale of sacrifice, death, and rebirth is far older than the story of Christ, although we can find similarities in their stories. Inanna’s descent was written on clay tablets sometime around 1750 bce, although many historians believe the myth is much older than that and was passed down orally for thousands of years prior to its inscription.
Inanna’s descent is told in many books on the sacred feminine and the goddess and in connection with initiation. Why do women keep returning to this story to understand ourselves? What is it about delving into the depths of darkness? Why might we feel compelled to suddenly start visiting caves—or give up on our career and take to gardening or drumming or dreaming? In Estés’s words, “La selva subterranea, the underground forest, the underworld of female knowing … is a wild world that lives under this one, under the world perceived by ego. While there, we are infused with instinctive language and knowledge. From that vantage point we understand what cannot be so easily understood from the point of view of the topside world.”4 When we consciously decide to go to the underworld, sacrificing the outer aspects of our little self, we meet the shadow of our larger self, reclaim her and bring her back, empowered. Working to reclaim the shadow helps to accept ourselves exactly as we are, then transform the shadow from fear into power. Inanna’s story shows us there is a way out, and although it is difficult, it is essential to our wholeness as women.
The Descent of Inanna
Inanna, the great Queen of Heaven and Earth, felt a strange desire growing in her heart. She yearned to visit the underworld, a place that no man or woman ever visits before their death. Yet Inanna wished to visit her sister, Ereshkigal, the Queen of the Underworld, who ruled the land of death, darkness, and decay, and to honor the recent death of Ereshkigal’s husband.
Before proceeding, Inanna called on her dear sister and friend Ninshubur and carefully instructed her that if she had not returned from the underworld in three days, Ninshubur should mourn for her and beat the drum in all the places where people gather. Inanna also told her to visit each of the fathers of culture and ask them for help. Then Inanna paused, looked deeply in Ninshubur’s eyes and said, “Now go, Ninshubur, but do not forget my words.”
Inanna prepared carefully for her journey. She dressed in beautiful robes and anointed herself with aromatic oils. She adorned herself with seven ornaments symbolizing the seven me or mother-powers of civilization. She placed a crown on her head, a shining golden pendant on her forehead, and took a rod of lapis lazuli in her hand. Small lapis lazuli stones she fastened around her neck and a double strand at her breast, with gold bracelets on her wrists and a golden breastplate.
Then she crossed over the great plains and arrived at the gates of the underworld. There, at the first gate, Inanna stopped and declared herself to Neti, the gatekeeper. Neti announced Inanna’s arrival to Ereshkigal, the Queen of the Underworld. Ereshkigal writhed in her fury at Inanna’s boldness. She told Neti, “Inanna may enter only if she is naked and bowed low to the ground!”
Inanna proceeded and Neti removed one of Inanna’s seven ornaments at each of the seven gates and finally stripped her completely naked. Inanna arrived at Ereshkigal’s underworld, naked and bowed low. The dark mother Ereshkigal sat upon her throne with the seven judges, the Annunaki, before Inanna as she bowed to them, her forehead grazing the hard ground. They fixed the stone-cold eyes of death upon Inanna, and in that moment, Inanna was turned into a corpse and hung from a hook on the wall.
For three days and three nights, Inanna hung rotting on the wall. When she did not return to the upper world, Ninshubur mourned for Inanna. As asked, she beat the drum in all the places where people gather and went to each of the fathers of culture to ask them for help. Ninshubur visited Enlil, the highest god of earth and sky, and Nanna-Sin, the god of the moon. Both flatly refused to help Inanna as they were not inclined to tread on Ereshkigal’s territory. But father Enki, god of water and wisdom, accepted Ninshubur’s plea for help and created two sexless spirits from under the dirt of his fingernail. He gave them the water and food of life and sent them to the underworld.
When they reached the underworld, the two spirits found Ereshkigal writhing in pain, in birth and in sorrow. The spirits mirrored Ereshkigal’s moans with their own cries of pain and sorrow. Ereshkigal, moved by their sympathy, asked the two spirits what they wanted. They requested Inanna’s life. After some deliberation, Ereshkigal brought Inanna down from her hook and laid her on the ground. The spirits gave Inanna the food and water of life and she opened her eyes.
Awakened from her three days of death, Inanna began her journey back to the upper world. But before she left, Ereshkigal reminded her that someone must take her place. No one can leave the underworld unaffected, and Ereshkigal sent her demons after Inanna. The demons scampered at her heels as she journeyed back to her home, reclaiming her clothing and ornaments at each of the seven gates.
Inanna returned to the world of humans as both victorious goddess and a woman plagued with demonic shadows. She embraced her dear Ninshubur with gratitude for her courage and support. Then Inanna knew she must find someone to take her place in the underworld. Upon her return, she found that her lover, Dumuzi, had been making plans to take over her rule during her absence. She was furious and sent him with the demons to take her place in the underworld. Every year Dumuzi must return to the underworld for six months. Even though it was her own fury that sent Dumuzi below, Inanna wept for his absence. To this day, during Inanna’s time of sorrow, winter settles in on the realms of earth and sky each year.
Keys to the Tale
In this classic tale of initiation, Inanna descends to the underworld. She shows incredible courage and fearlessness, and consciously chooses to undertake a journey that may lead to her own death. At first glance, this may not seem common for many of us unless we are extreme adventure enthusiasts—few people willingly choose a journey that will end in certain death. Yet, we do things throughout our lives that are threatening or at least scary, such as giving birth, deciding to get divorced, or traveling to a new place.
Inanna asks Ninshubur to help her if she does not return after three days. Ninshubur is like the bridge between our conscious and subconscious selves. This is crucial in our initiatory process. Having a friend or guide act as a helper during our own initiatory reclaiming helps us to stay connected to the present and our conscious selves. Sometimes when we pull up old memories of buried trauma, it may unleash rage, fear, or sorrow. Having someone to help us anchor these feelings is important.
Inanna specifically instructs Ninshubur to beat the drum for her, an act that is akin to the work of a shaman. Shamans, like Inanna, journey to the underworld regularly to seek information or missing soul pieces for healing and divination. The drum is the most common way that shamans enter an altered state to conduct this journey. Layne Redmond, a woman drummer and explorer of the sacred feminine, notes that “drumming is the traditional means used by shamans to descend to the underworld and return. Often during a shamanic trance the shaman’s assistant takes over the playing of the drum to maintain the link between the worlds. Without the sound of the drum to lead the way, the shaman would be lost forever in the underworld.”5 We can use drumming to aid us in journeying to the lower realms, as explored in Exercise 2.2.
As Inanna descends into the underworld, she must face seven gates. Neti, the gatekeeper, symbolizes the part of us that allows each of the roles and identities to be shed away. At each gate Inanna is asked to remove something from her body. Inanna’s descent perhaps inspired the story of Salome in the Old Testament. Salome performs the dance of the seven veils for King Herod, removing each veil during her dance to send him into a lustful rage. The seven veils represent the seven layers of illusion or earthly appearances that fall away during the descent into the great mystery. The seven gates are also symbols for each of the chakras found in yogic philosophy, which hold the seeds of conscious awareness and are used for spiritual development. Symbolically, Inanna’s removal of each item represents contact with each chakra or a different level of consciousness. Facing each gate symbolizes our own path of initiation in which we move through the obstacles of each level of consciousness before finally reaching the deepest parts of the subconscious.
Once Inanna is stripped down and completely naked, only then may she enter into the deepest part of herself. This is an essential aspect of initiation, the stripping down of our various selves, our ego, our attachments, and our desires. Real transformation cannot happen until we dissolve these qualities. In initiatory experiences, we are often forced to surrender roles. When I lost my first-born daughter, I was stripped of the role of mother. Although I had given birth, I suddenly had no child to raise and was forced to face the sorrow that followed. If we get divorced, we are stripped of the role of wife; if we lose the use of a part of our body, we are stripped of being a healthy, whole person. I have found that the more deeply we face the darkness that is really a form of initiation, the more power we receive and the less we suffer afterward.
Once Inanna has arrived in the underworld, she meets the cold eye of Ereshkigal. This eye symbolizes the quiet and solemn witness that resides within us who unerringly sees all sides of our situation. This is the part of us that enables us to somehow allow those old roles to die. In fact, sometimes there is a bit of strange joy in that moment; a glimpse of real freedom, a self undefined and beyond the constraints of hope or loss.
Inanna faces Ereshkigal, who is writhing in pain, in birth, defecating and bleeding. Ereshkigal is potent yet completely vulnerable, portraying the very real aspects of life: power and suffering all mixed up together and inseparable. When we come to face this reality, we are transformed and realize, on a deep level, there is nothing to fear and we are the source of our own pain as well as the creator of our inner fire and power. We can each recall a moment in our lives when we faced our fear, then suddenly saw it for what it was: nothing more than our own small mind projecting something scary. I remember being so frightened when I first found out I had cancer. I was in a dark place for about a week when suddenly I felt as if I could make a choice: live or die. I simply chose to live and my fear evaporated.
Inanna hangs on a hook underground for three days just as the moon is new over a three-day period. Traditionally, this time is associated with menstruation and is like a monthly initiation or small death in itself, when our body sheds the old blood, making room for the new. Vicki Noble explores this power, saying, “We just need to understand that the monthly menstrual period is the quintessential ritual experience, analogous to the time of the Dark Moon—the impossibly magical time when the moon disappears from the sky and then through a miraculous rebirth appears once more; and the impossibly magical time when women, without a wound, bleed from the sacred yoni for three days.”6 Culturally, we have been shut off from this powerful part of ourselves every month. We cycle, just as the moon cycles. This may seem unimportant, but it is as important as the tides of this earth: it has the potential to affect everything around us. Taking time to spend our moon days doing nourishing things for our body, mind, and spirit allows us to more deeply participate with a monthly initiation. If we pay close attention, we may find we are more psychic at this time and have more visions and powerful dreams. In the ceremony below, you have the opportunity to reclaim your first menses, the incredible, sacred time of becoming a woman.
When Inanna does not return from the underworld, Ninshubur sets off to ask for help from the three fathers of culture. The first two fathers tell Ninshubur that Inanna does not deserve to return, that she must stay in the underworld. The fathers in the story symbolize the part of us that can help face our darkest fears. They are the logical, clear-sighted helpers who can create the necessary mirrors but do not have to become emotionally involved. In shamanic healing, we work to dissolve the patterns without necessarily having to express each and every emotion.
Enki fashions two beings, the genderless spirits, to assist Ninshubur in reclaiming Inanna from her three days in the underworld. Their gift is to deeply mirror the dark mother’s loneliness and function as witnesses to Ereshkigal’s massive pain. By watching her intimately and moaning with her, they are seeing her sorrow, her decay, her ferment, and Ereshkigal is deeply moved. This is an important aspect of the healing process. When a part of us or someone else witnesses our darkness, our pain, when we have guides to help us along the way, two things happen: first, the pain is lessened, and second, we realize how much we are responsible for our own suffering. This empowers us to really transform the pain into something useful—to drop the drama and heal the trauma. As a practicing Reiki master for over a decade, I have found that admitting our pain and telling someone else is the first step toward our empowerment.
In the final section of the story, Inanna arises and returns to her city. She is reborn after three days of death and decay, just as the moon reappears from the sky after three days. Like any good fairy tale, Inanna’s rebirth does not come without a price. She is followed back up to the normal world, the world of the conscious mind, by the demons. Often when we pass through an initiatory experience such as illness, death of a loved one, or depression, the darkness does not leave us, but becomes a kind of lesson that stays with us. This knowing is profound; it enables us to more deeply understand human pain and suffering. The darkness can also be full of gifts such as connections to ancestors or spirits, healing powers, or simply a deeper compassion for suffering.
Reclaiming Our Initiation
The story of Inanna tells of a deliberate, willing descent into the underworld; it is the story of initiation and is an inspiration to aid us on our own journey to recover our darkness within. The power of the Initiate is truly transformative. By reclaiming our initiation, we will discover our inner powerful potential, cleanse out of our lives what no longer serves us, and open up the path to create a life that is imbued with joy. Our society does not have a specialized initiatory process, and so we must use our own past and reclaim our initiations. Looking back over our lives, we find specific events that have occurred which caused great change in our lives. Perhaps it was illness, an accident, the death of a loved one, divorce, or other trauma. We are first looking to find a significant event that caused some kind of pain or trauma which we then grew out of.
To reclaim is to reframe that event, to begin to dialogue about it in a new way. For example, I have a friend who was in a traumatic motorcycle accident several years ago. Whenever I ask her for some information that she cannot immediately recall, she blames it on the accident, saying it has destroyed her memory. This may be true. But it may also have done something to rewire her brain in a way that is beneficial. Perhaps her keen intuition, which is extremely accurate, was enhanced by her accident. I do not want to gloss over a trauma in someone’s life, in a new-age manner of denial and “only thinking in the positive,” but I do believe that we get in the habit of relegating “negative” aspects of ourselves to events that changed everything. When we do this, we may miss the inherent gifts that arise when we go through this initiatory event. By reclaiming the event, we can figure out why it is important to our life and relevant to the work we are doing on earth. At the very least, using the following exercises, we can drum up some gratitude for what has happened, looking at how it has happened and the fact that we survived. It’s a bit cliché, but seriously, “What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.”
Another aspect of reclaiming initiation is to face a story and then dissolve it. This releases patterns we are holding on to and opens us up to receive incredible power. Just as stones or brambles get caught in the flow of a river, past traumas can stay caught in our energy field, causing blocks and stagnancy which then affects our lives, relationships and choices. When we step away from our inner dialogue and see our own hardships and trials as a mythic story, we can see that we played a part, but also no longer have to identify with that story. If we continue to identify with old, painful stories, we may be victimizing ourselves and impeding our growth. By first reclaiming them, empowering our story with the initiatory focus, then we are part of the bigger picture and give ourselves the room to grow beyond our smaller, limiting stories. We open ourselves up to a new way of living out our lives, using our power to shape our destiny, rather than our old stories.
Having support is crucial to the initiatory process. If we want to reframe a traumatic event in our lives, but had no community at the time, we can reclaim it, using the friendships and support we have now. If there is no support, then, as Chapter One suggests, form a women’s circle or find a group of people with like minds who can help you reclaim your pain and turn it into power.
This is a much longer set of exercises than the other chapters simply because it is so important. I encourage you to spend time working with this process over the course of a few weeks or months so that you really do shift your awareness over past trauma into an empowered initiation. Even such dark issues as molestation, rape, and abuse can be viewed as initiations. In saying this, I in no way am rationalizing the actions of those who have caused such pain and suffering. But if we hold on to them as a way to continue to define us, then we are living as a victim and not an empowered woman. These deeper issues may require the guidance of a therapist or psychologist for further assistance in working through pain accumulated over many years. When working with the exercises below, I recommend beginning with an event that is simpler, one that you have somewhat healed from.
A Three-Part Process to Reclaim Initiation
Part One: Write It Down as a Fairy Tale
Fairy tales teach us of timelessness and transcend the normal boundaries of human experience. They are wonderful keys into our hidden subconscious world and can help to unlock our pain and turn it into power. By using symbols and writing the story as if we are watching from afar, we are also effectively healing the trauma and letting it go. It no longer becomes a drama to define ourselves with, but a mystical story that has given us gifts and insights to share with others.
To begin, read some myths and fairy tales for inspiration. Several myths are contained in this book. Also, think back over the fairy tales you grew up with, such as Cinderella and Little Red Riding Hood. I recommend Starhawk’s presentation of “The Twelve Wild Swans” in her book The Twelve Wild Swans or some of the fairy tales told by Clarissa Pinkola Estés in Women Who Run with the Wolves. Once you have the idea, choose your initiatory experience, such as loss of a loved one, divorce, an illness, or an accident.
Writing a fairy tale will probably take some practice and this is as good a time to start as any. Start by making a clear outline of your story. It should have a beginning, a middle, and an end. When you write your outline, come up with symbols that represent the issue. A dark, old woman who forces the fairy princess to suffer for days cleaning her home could symbolize an illness. A golden scroll with a message might be the finalized papers in a divorce. Some feathers from a magic goose could be the helping hand that appeared at the scene of an accident.
All fairy tales begin someplace. This is the initial setting, followed by the call to action, the hero’s beginnings. Inanna begins her descent by putting on the necessary adornments. Cinderella’s father is remarried and two new stepsisters move in with her. Describe the situation, but keep it simple and try to pick the images of the time that jump out at you. Was it autumn? What color did the fairy princess love to wear then? With whom did she live? Begin with the timeless phrase “Once upon a time … ” and go from there, “ … or not so long ago, there lived a beautiful young woman. She had hair the color of wood at sunset and eyes that glowed green.”
The beginning is followed by a distinct change into the next phase of the tale, representing the initiation process itself. This should be the longest section of the story and may be a few pages. This is the diagnosis, the accident, or the breakup. The young woman gets married and leaves home; the appearance of a shadowy character comes into her life to teach her a lesson; the fairy princess is given a task to complete. This is the challenging part, the time in which the woman must overcome something. Again, try to think symbolically using actions. What did you go through to overcome this challenge? Write a task for the protagonist, such as sweeping out a house, turning stones into frogs, or cooking a stew for thousands. Make it difficult but not totally impossible.
Next, how did you face your fear? Choose some of the elements of the beginning to help the fairy princess face her task. For example, Cinderella’s beauty becomes apparent only when she is dressed in dazzling clothes by her fairy godmother, yet she had this beauty all along! Did you have helpers along the way? Who helped you? Choose at least one person who helped you and symbolically place him or her in the story. Was she akin to a wolf, teaching you courage and stamina? Or was he more like a lizard whispering the power of dreams into your ear? For example, in my fairy tale, I used my husband, who is a warm, comforting bear, and nine sisters who give me necklaces to heal my broken heart. You may have had many helpers, but one or two will suffice. Finally, the task is complete, the fears have been faced.
The last section of the tale is the move into a completely new place. This is the start of something that is born of the task yet new and bright, healed and whole. The fairy princess and prince get married and move in together and she gives birth to a new daughter; the woman is healed; the house is closed up and sold for a new one. The ending must contain bits of the past, the event, the initiation in order to bear fruit. Hardships have been overcome and there is a clear reward, a benefit to the entire process. Treasures are found, and characters “live happily ever after.”
After you have written your tale, you can revise it as necessary, add new sections, or illustrate it with images. The symbols you choose may very well begin to appear in your life in other ways, such as dreams or omens, and will become useful in helping you become the heroine in your own fairy tale life.
Part Two: Journey to the Underworld with Sound
The purpose of this exercise is to use the technique of journeying. For thousands of years, shamans, as the spiritual caretakers of the village, have used the journey process to aid in healing, divination, and counseling for the community. In its simplified form, the journey is a shift from the ordinary state of consciousness into the shamanic state of consciousness. This state of consciousness is akin to non-ordinary perception, which is a large spectrum of ways that we perceive the world, and can include (but is not limited to) intuition, messages from the other side such as ancestors or relatives, astral travel, communication with spirit guides or power animals, oracular dreams, visions during trance from repetitive sound or drumming, visions under the influence of psychotropic substances, and channeling. This is a varied list, yet we find that these altered conscious states are prevalent throughout the world, primarily in cultures where shamanic activity still takes place.
Journeying is an effective way to access our subconscious states, and I highly recommend it as a tool for healing and communication with spirits or other aspects of our selves. In my own experience, I have discovered connections between the subconscious or mystical realms and ordinary reality. For example, during a weekend workshop I saw a large “spirit” snake during one of the exercises. I danced as this snake, allowing it to move through me and feeling its wisdom. The next morning I walked to our meeting place in a roundabout way and, interestingly, found a snakeskin that had been shed during the night. This was just one small example of witnessing the external world reflecting back my own internal process, giving me a gift I could use to better understand the wisdom of the snake.
By using a drum or other repetitive sound, we can slip into this altered, non-ordinary perception more readily and receive the information needed. I have found, after leading journeys for others, that many people learn this method easily and can find out deeper information with just a little trust.
Setting an intention is a very important aspect of any kind of journey or healing work, perhaps the most important. By setting a clear intention, we are envisioning the path and intending that all the work we will be doing goes for the good of all, for the well-being of all involved. This helps to clear the way and allows guidance to come through and assist us using love. For the following journey, the intention is to ask for information regarding your initiation. Your intention is to revisit this experience as an observer, to gain information that may be useful to you now.
As with writing the fairy tale, first choose the initiatory event that you will be working with. Set up an altar and create a sacred circle, calling in the seven directions. Invite your guides, healing spirits, and ancestors to come into the circle to assist you in this process. For the sound element, either have someone do a steady drumbeat (a buffalo Native American frame drum is ideal) or use headphones and play a drumming CD. Use a recording that is created specifically for the journey process. Before you start, state in your mind your intention: “I intend to revisit my initiation and ask for any information that will help guide me now. I intend this in love and light.”
Lie down and cover your eyes. Turn on the recording or have the drummer begin a steady drumbeat. Tell yourself that you are journeying to visit that point in your life, as an observer, as a second or third party. Watch as your memory goes back to that point. The drumbeat will allow you to revisit the time in an altered state. See if there is anything at that time that is important to you now. Ask your guides or higher self to show you anything that you need to know, receive, or communicate to others at that time. Trust the process as you move through this event. Send healing love and light to that moment in time, to the younger part of yourself that still remains unsettled by this event. Visualize golden light coming from present you (now), from your heart and hands, and pouring into younger or past you (then). Know that you are intimately connected, but that the pain no longer serves you now.
When you are finished, thank yourself and the others, the guides or other people who were part of this initiatory event in your life. Allow that to dissolve into a gift that you receive and put in your pocket. This may come in the form of an animal, crystal, scroll, or beam of light. As the drumming begins to slow down, intend that you return to yourself now, in your body, whole and healed. Feel the gratitude in your heart for your experience and take time to come back.
When you are ready, sit up and write down your experience. Writing it immediately, at its freshest, keeps the message of the journey stronger within you. If you want to, share the journey with the other people in your group or with the drummer. Remember, though, that the information is sacred and the gift may be a medicine that is not to be told to everyone. Receiving spirit medicine is an honor, and by keeping that quiet, we allow the power to grow stronger within. When you feel ready, thank the directions and close the circle.
Part Three: Revisit through Healing Work with a Witness
This is the final step in reclaiming your initiatory experience. This must be done with at least one other person as the witness to the event. Similar to the journey, it revisits the initiatory experience and aims to heal it and bring back any gifts. It can also be combined with the journey using drums.
Prepare for this journey by choosing which experience you will revisit and call to mind details from that time. You must feel comfortable enough to say this aloud, so the witness (and any others you wish to be present) must be someone you feel completely open with. You must also feel safe, and healing work can be done (such as Reiki, massage, journal work) to prepare you for the experience.
Prepare the room by setting up a mat on the floor or a massage table, creating an altar of healing images, lighting a candle, and calling in sacred space. When you are ready, lie down. The witness should then take some time to have everyone present (including you) call in their guides, ancestors, or higher spirit and set the intention that this practice be done in love and light. The witness then covers your eyes and reminds you that you are the one who is reclaiming your initiation, that you are empowering yourself. The witness, like the genderless spirits from Inanna’s descent, is simply witnessing the pain of the initiate, allowing you to heal.
The witness then gently tells you to deeply relax. Relax your entire body, part by part. This is to facilitate an altered state that will allow you to revisit the experience without so much emotion to overwhelm you. This should take at least ten minutes. No need to rush. Then the witness tells you to go back to the time just before the event (the accident, divorce, illness, trauma). The witness reminds you that you are being held with love and guidance and asks you to see if anyone or any being is there who is assisting you through the process. Begin speaking when you are ready and narrate the story with a beginning, middle, and end. You should speak in the present tense, as if indeed you are walking yourself through the experience. As an initiate, be open to anything revelatory that may arise during this process.
The witness remains quiet and takes notes as you tell your story. For example, you might say, “I am in my house and I receive the call from the doctor. He tells me I have cancer. I am very sad and overwhelmed, but my friends are coming now, to hold me and support me. I am not alone.” When you speak of your pain, the witness should mirror that pain back to you, saying “I understand. I am holding you. I am here.” This is the most delicate aspect of the process and may take some practice on the part of the witness to perfect. If you have no training in the healing arts, counseling, etc., I recommend that you practice this role with someone first using a positive or mundane experience before moving into the place of initiatory work. This being said, if you are working with the same group of women over time, the comfort level is strong and the initiate will feel supported.
The witness follows you through your story, noting down important things and reflecting your pain, thus taking some of it and helping to dissolve it. Other aspects of this process may come up. For example, when I was doing this with a friend who was adopted, she felt moved to dialogue with her mother who had given her up for adoption so many years ago. I held the space and asked her questions like, “What does your mother say to you, as an infant?” and “What do you want to tell your mother?” This was a very powerful healing as she saw how her mother had no other choice, but loved her immensely. This allowed my friend to move through the feelings of abandonment and resolve some of that pain.
When you have finished the narration, the witness helps you send healing back to that time. Visualize a golden light emanating from you now and shining back to the time of that event. Do this for several minutes. Finally, if there were any noticeable guides during the process, or if any other people were important, thank them and also send them love and light. This is also the moment to ask if there are any gifts, as sometimes a symbolic image is given which you can take to use in your own path of power.
When this is finished, slowly come back to consciousness by breathing deeply into your belly and becoming aware of your surroundings. Rest for a while, then slowly sit up and drink some clear, fresh water. When you are ready, you may talk about your experience some and relive a few of the moments. The witness can also offer her feedback, but only in relation to the initiate’s experience, using the notes she took or repeating what was said. There is no need for advice or counsel here, just support and reflection. The witness should now ask you to come up with an affirmation that helps you to ground the shift and love you have felt into words. This may be something like “I share my power with love,” or “I am clear and whole.” The witness should also ask if there is something you feel you need to do in the coming weeks, perhaps a ritual or ceremony to honor this transition. This can be as simple as sitting with a candle in gratitude or visiting a body of water to reflect on your process. It is important that you come up with the ritual and affirmation on your own, with the help of the witness, so that you are truly reclaiming the initiation yourself.
Finally, when all feel the process is complete, thank the guides and ancestors for their blessing. Close the circle and release the directions. Perhaps eat some nourishing food to ground after the ceremony and connect with each other. You may feel you’d like to do the follow-up ritual or ceremony by yourself or with others and those plans can be set at the closing of the circle.
Reclaiming Menarche Ceremony
By re-membering our menses as a sacred function in our body, we are not only getting in touch with our own inner female wisdom, we are transmuting something thought of as impure into power. Revisiting your first menses, or menarche, is a good step to reclaim the power in your own body.
First, make an altar to honor the first blood time in your life, when wisdom began to flow through you, through your womb. Perhaps put a photo of yourself at that age, things you loved then, animals you felt drawn to, and women you looked up to at that time in your life. Other items to honor that time might include red candles, incense, and images of a feminine quality that speaks to you of coming power and womanhood. Spend a few days preparing the altar, as you are honoring a huge transition in your life, one that may have been hardly celebrated, dismissed, or even thought of as negative. Nourish the young girl who was looking to others for help; imagine you are reaching back to her and creating a space for her that is sacred.
Find some time when you can be alone (or with a group of trusted women) and create sacred space around your altar. Call in your guides and any women who nurtured you in the past or are nurturing you now. Then write about the experience and everything you felt at the time. If you are like many women in Western culture, probably not much happened in an honoring way, and, even worse, you may have been told things that made you feel ashamed for starting to bleed. Use the journal time to release those memories, to let them air onto paper. Put the story on the altar and tell it aloud if you wish, to the women in the circle or simply to yourself.
Next, take some time to send healing and love back to yourself as a girl, preteen, or teenager, whenever you first bled. Lie down and have someone drum for you if you wish, or give you some laying on of hands healing so that you are in a relaxed state. Imagine you are slowly descending down ten steps into a garden, relaxing deeply on each step. Once you have reached the bottom of the steps, go through a door and into the garden. Spend some time relaxing and healing here. Then visualize that time in your life when you first discovered your period, seeing the blood in your underwear. What were the first feelings that you had? Were you excited, ashamed, afraid? Imagine you are assisting that young girl through that time, sending your healing light back to her and her discovery.
Then visualize sitting with your younger self before a campfire. Imagine your mother and your grandmother also with you at the fire. Tell the women of your lineage how you feel about becoming a woman. Allow each of them to speak to you as well, feeling them from their true selves, giving you love and encouragement. Speak any unvoiced issues that are surrounding this time in your life. Ask for healing and reclaiming from your guides and let the love flow into your womb and heart.
When you feel finished, thank your mother and grandmother. Rest for a while in your garden, perhaps in water to cleanse and purify yourself. Then slowly come back into normal consciousness by the drum slowing down and by visualizing climbing up the stairs, counting back up to ten. Take some time to sit up slowly, drink some water, and then write down what you have experienced. Share with the other women in the circle.
If you have a daughter, I highly recommend that you help her design a ceremony for her own first menses at that time. We all have the inherent capability to create ritual and it can be as simple as sitting with your daughter, lighting a candle, and welcoming her to womanhood or as elaborate as having her dress in white, singing songs with the community and dancing her way through a decorated gateway symbolizing becoming a woman. This will provide acknowledgement for your daughter as she transitions from girl to adolescent and will support her process. Even something very simple will give your daughter something to remember in the years to come, a seed of light that honors her power as she grows into womanhood.