Chapter 19

“So you’re the Golden boy?”

We’d met each other a few times before. Never had much to say other than hello and goodbye. But I knew her name.

She only remembered mine after a couple minutes dancing around the subject. Why would she remember me, after all? A few nods as we passed each other in FHQ hallways? Hardly the stuff of a grand friendship.

I felt stupid being at the house, welcomed in like an old friend when I didn’t deserve it. I was twenty-eight years old, barely felt out of school most days, and everyone here seemed so sure of themselves.

Even this constable who was two years my junior.

The gathering – not quite large enough to call it a party – had been Ernie’s idea. An informal evening to introduce me to some of the guys from CID, soften them up to the idea of my transferring in once I passed the exams. There were a few other beat coppers as well, all looking for a leg up. None of them looking as lost as I felt.

They could play the game. They’d been waiting for this kind of opportunity their whole career. Politics as exciting to them as the work itself.

She said, “He won’t shut up about you.” Meaning her father. This girl, the reason I knew her name was that she was the DI’s daughter. I had enough nous to try and remember those kinds of facts at least.

I smiled, took it for a joke, not a barb. Susan smiled back. I couldn’t read her expression.

I wished Elaine wasn’t away on some stupid conference trip. She’d have helped me here, given me a gentle nudge through the social minefield.

I said, “I’m not sure if that’s a good thing.”

Susan said, “He did mention that, of course.” Nodding at me as though she’d noticed something.

“That what?”

“That seriousness. You walk around like you’re carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.”

I tried to keep the grin going. Hard work. She was making me sweat.

She said, as though she’d been thinking about the matter for a while, “Not sure if it suits you.”

I had no idea how to take her. Was she playing with me? Her idea of fun; exploiting people’s insecurities? Maybe she was going to rat me out to her father as an arsehole.

My shirt stuck to my skin. Christ, could anyone see it?

Around us people talked with ease and familiarity. Those who had been strangers minutes earlier talked like they’d known each other for years. Inane discussions that sounded so easy coming from everyone else’s lips. Casual handshakes. Big smiles. Effortless laughter.

And me in the middle of it all, sweating to make small talk with the host’s daughter.

Would it have been easier if she wasn’t a copper, too?

Maybe.

But I doubted it.

I was overcome with the overwhelming sensation that everyone could see me as a fake. A kid who wasn’t ready to step up yet. They were asking themselves what was Ernie Bright thinking, marking this wee eejit for promotion and transfer?

Finally, knowing I’d fucked up completely, I went outside, sparked up a cigarette. I’d quit three months earlier. But Elaine wasn’t with me, and maybe I deserved this one. For the endurance; getting through as much of the evening as I had without utterly pissing it up.

I became aware of someone watching me. Could feel their eyes focussed on my back. I turned, saw Susan standing just inside the French windows at the rear of the house.

She stepped out onto the patio with me. “You don’t fit in.”

“That obvious?”

“He said you were smart…”

I knew where she was going. “But not exactly sociable.”

She smiled at that, came and stood beside me and looked up at the sky. The moon was at three quarters, slipping in and out from beneath the scudding clouds.

“It’s a game,” she said. “The social part. You don’t have to mean what you say, just look like you do.”

“That’s not so easy.”

“You wear your heart on your sleeve?”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. Just turned to look at her. She nodded. “Aye, that you do.”

“You think there’s something wrong with that?”

“How would I know?”

I nodded, looked back at the sky.

“Seriously, if my dad’s got a good feeling about you, it’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I’m not.”

“Then go in there and prove him right.”

“Huh?”

“I don’t like to see him embarrassed. And that’s what you’re doing tonight. By not playing the game, you’re making him look like a prat.”

“What if I don’t like the game?”

“Then suck it up.” She casually flicked out a hand, knocked my cigarette from between my fingers. “Ask yourself where you want to be in five years time. And whether you really want to be there. Then you’ll know whether you can play the game.” She slipped her hand through my arm to pull me back inside. “I’ll show you how it’s done, pal. It’s easy, believe me.”

And I guess I did.

Five years after that party, I was alone. Not just professionally, either.

Elaine was long gone.

And there was no one else.

Right?

Sitting in the car, still fuming from the encounter with Ernie Bright, I took a deep breath, started the engine. Closed my eyes and saw Susan. Not as she was now, but as she had been at her father’s party.

Cocky. Confident. But still young and inexperienced.

I’d been the same way, I guess. Just without that self-assurance to fool everyone around me.

I don’t know that I ever found it, either.