Aiden started sweating as he changed in the locker room. Calm down. You’ve been doing so good. But it only got worse when he walked into gym. His chest felt tight, and he couldn’t get a full breath. He went straight to the bench and told himself it would pass in a minute.
“You okay?” Dylan asked as he sat next to him.
“Yeah,” he lied.
Why am I scared? I do this every day. I can handle Dylan throwing fire at me. I’m supposed to be better!
His heart beat faster and he gripped his knees. He stared at the center of the gym where in a few minutes he would stand while someone attacked him with magic.
“Aiden.”
He looked up at Ms. Yang.
“Do you need to sit out today?”
He bit his lip, and after a moment he nodded.
She frowned. “I think you should go see Mr. Emery. Come on, I’ll write you a pass.”
“But I don’t know why I’m… having trouble. I don’t even know what I’d talk about.” Not everyone had shown up yet, but there were several kids in the room, and Aiden’s face burned with embarrassment.
“Come on.”
Aiden sighed and followed her to the small office. She closed the door. “Anxiety doesn’t always have an obvious cause.” She pulled out a hall pass and started writing. “Sometimes you just have a bad day.”
“Then why do I have to go see the counselor?” It felt like a punishment even though he knew it wasn’t.
“Because I think it’ll be good for you to go somewhere quiet for a while. Should I have someone walk you down there?”
And be even more embarrassed? “No, I’ll be fine.” He took the pass.
As he walked through the gym, Dylan got up to follow him. “Hey, something wrong?”
“Just having a bad day.” For no reason at all.
“Can I help?”
“No.” Aiden made it to the door.
“Okay.” Dylan sounded defeated.
Aiden glanced back at him. “I’ll see you at lunch.”
The empty halls were odd and made him more anxious. Even though he had a pass, he felt like he was doing something wrong to be out here while everyone else was in class. Rows of silent lockers, the polished floor stretching out in front of him, the murmur of voices from behind closed doors. Aiden tried to breathe past the tightness in his chest.
“Mr. Spencer.”
Aiden jumped.
“What are you up to?”
He turned to find Warden Bradley. “I… um.” Aiden held up the pass like a shield. “I’m going to the counselor.”
“Really?” Warden Bradley took his pass, giving Aiden a look that made him feel guilty even though Aiden knew he wasn’t doing anything wrong. Studying the pink paper, the warden said, “Hmm. You have regular appointments with Mr. Emery, don’t you?”
“Yes.” Aiden swallowed. This wasn’t helping his anxiety at all.
“Then why are you going to see him now?”
“I-I’m feeling nervous.”
“Is that why you have appointments with him?”
Aiden realized Mr. Emery had promised their meetings were confidential, although Warden Bradley clearly knew they were going on. Maybe he only knew the appointments existed, like from a schedule. “I have anxiety and panic attacks.” Once the words were out, Aiden wondered if he should have said anything. That was private information, wasn’t it?
The warden studied him a moment longer before handing the pass back to Aiden. “I’ll walk you to the office.”
Not a gesture of kindness. No, the man was watching Aiden, making sure he went straight there. The tightness in Aiden’s chest got worse. Dylan was right. Warden Bradley was keeping a close watch on both of them.
How close of a watch? Did he follow them after school?
Did he know about Aiden and Tiago?
Aiden felt dizzy by the time they made it to the office, and his hand shook when he knocked on Mr. Emery’s door. When the counselor called for him to come in, Aiden only opened the door enough to slip in, then shut it behind him.
“Aiden. Is something wrong?”
He slid the hall pass across the desk and practically collapsed into the chair. “Ms. Yang thought I should come see you.” Aiden explained about feeling nervous for no reason. While he talked he wondered, as he often did, if he should mention to Mr. Emery that he was bisexual. Aiden hadn’t said a word about having a crush on Tiago, even though it had been a source of anxiety, and he hadn’t mentioned either the joy of dating him or the fear of being caught.
The counselor would no doubt be able to help, and Aiden didn’t really think Mr. Emery would say anything about it, but the more people who knew, the more likely it was that someone would talk.
As afraid as he was of what the other kids would say, what worried Aiden most was his parents finding out. He’d ruined their lives enough by making them come to Shadow Valley. They’d left their home, their friends, the rest of Aiden’s family to live in a town full of monsters. They lied to people about where they were and why.
And Aiden wasn’t even really their son.
He didn’t want to give them another reason to be disappointed, to show them that he wasn’t what they expected. If Aiden could have hidden his magic from them, he would’ve done that too.
“And then Warden Bradley found me in the hall, and he made me feel guilty,” Aiden said.
Mr. Emery frowned. “Yes. He’s been something of a problem.”
Aiden was surprised to hear that from a faculty member. “Really?” Dylan hated him, but Dylan was predisposed to hate all wardens.
“I understand the need for a warden liaison given the events of the past few years, but I do wish they’d chosen someone a bit more… understanding.” The counselor leaned forward slightly. “Did he harass or intimidate you in any way?”
Aiden described their interaction with as much detail as he could remember.
Mr. Emery frowned again. “I need to have another conversation with him and remind him that he isn’t here to interrogate students.”
“Yeah. And I think maybe Dylan isn’t exaggerating as much as I thought he was.” Warden Bradley had treated Aiden like a suspect, even after he showed his hall pass.
They went back to talking about Aiden’s nervousness, and he realized that just being here and talking to Mr. Emery had eased his anxiety. It was like Pavlov’s dog. He associated this room and the counselor with feeling better.
“I still don’t know why. Nothing happened today. Or yesterday.”
Mr. Emery folded his hands on the desk. “The subconscious is a funny thing. It stores things up for days, weeks, months, even years. And then something triggers a memory: a sight, a sound, a smell. And the subconscious runs with it. You might not even know what triggered it, you’ll only know that you feel anxious.”
“But then how do I make it go away?” When his fear of magic had been at its worst, they’d come up with a plan to deal with it a little at a time. Some days Aiden had confronted it head-on, and other days he stuck with little spells.
“You come here.” Mr. Emery spread his hands. “Or find somewhere else to calm down. Use the techniques I showed you. If you can, go outside and connect with nature.”
“How do I stop it from happening at all?” What Aiden really wanted was to make his anxiety go away. It had gotten a lot better, but he didn’t want to go through life not knowing when anxiety would hit.
“We’ve talked about this.” Mr. Emery gave him a patient look. “Your anxiety might never go away. But you have made very good progress, Aiden. Excellent progress, I should say.”
“Thanks.”
Will I have to live with this for the rest of my life?