I stood in the doorway of Cal’s prison cell, watching his chest rise and fall as he slept. I wasn’t sure if he would ever wake up, and even though I knew he was dangerous, what I’d done left a guilt-sized lump in my throat that I couldn’t swallow. Cal was just a kid and he might never wake up again. And Ross . . . My chest ached as I considered how close he’d come to death last night. What I could’ve done differently—all the advice and warnings I should’ve taken but didn’t—were like air horns at a hockey game, blaring in my ears as punishment for being so stubborn and so stupid.
Nathan checked the drip feeding into Cal’s arm to ensure he didn’t dehydrate during his recuperation, but I was more worried about what would happen if he gained consciousness and somehow slipped out of here, invisible and undetected. Aria, Woody, and Stanley were here, in a different wing of the prison, but still. If no one knew he was coming, he could wreak whatever havoc he wanted.
Cal was just a child in so many ways, and yet what he was capable of, both physically and mentally, was terrifying. He’d been prepared to shoot Ross in the head or shoot me to carry out whatever he’d come to Riverdale to do. I didn’t know what the gangs were like, but I could relate to the feeling of entrapment and loss of control. I could understand his desperation to survive.
The markings that feathered down his neck were visible from the doorway of his ten by ten-foot cell, and the previous night came flashing back to life. Me, cowering in shock against the kitchen wall, watching as Sadie and Nathan took Ross away, and Sam and Christine pulling the singed clothing off of Cal’s skin. I’d seen the imprint of my power covering his body, the shoots and swirls of scorched flesh, and I was horrified at their beauty.
I stared down at my hands, remembering Sophie’s words again. “It’s not about doing and thinking, it’s about feeling.” I couldn’t sense the charged energy anymore, but I could remember the feeling of it as it surged through me, and the way my fingertips tingled with a raw energy that needed an outlet. If I did nothing, there would always be a chance it would take over one day, or I’d let the hum in the air I sometimes felt seep too far in. Practicing was equally dangerous. And then there was the serum that could fix all of it.
It was pure luck that Ross was still alive, and if I let myself think about it too much, the alternative outcome nearly crippled me.
But he is alive. I had to remind myself of that. No matter how dangerous it was to assume I had any control over my Ability, things would’ve ended much worse if I’d done nothing, and my guilt eased a little.
Woody walked up beside me, a forlorn look on his face that could’ve been reserved for the child in the hospital bed, or for me. He looked at Nathan as he placed his fingers on Cal’s wrist. “How’s the patient?” Woody asked quietly.
“Stable,” Nathan said, and he glanced up from timing Cal’s pulse. “He’s strapped down, so whatever might happen when he wakes up, he won’t be able to go anywhere.”
Woody drew in a long inhale, crossing his arms over his chest, and leaned against the doorframe. “We’ve sure got a lot of shit to shovel, don’t we.” It wasn’t a question, but an unpleasant observation.
I looked away from him, my emotions too rampant to answer.
Nathan cleared his throat and grabbed the jacket he’d draped over the stool beside Cal’s bed. “I’ll be back to check on him later tonight.” He glanced one last time at his patient and walked to where we stood in the doorway. “From what I know about electrocution, he should’ve been awake by now, but then, I’m not entirely sure how much electricity was pumped into him, or what the effects of it will be.” His gaze leveled on me as if he was preparing me for the worst.
“Do you think he’ll wake up?” My question was only a whisper as I considered this boy remaining a vegetable for the rest of his life.
“I would think so, but it’s hard to say. We’ll know by the end of today, I think.”
Nathan spared a final glance at his patient, then walked out into the hallway. “You should seriously consider moving Stanley and Aria out of here,” he said, eyeing Woody this time. “Now that you have an occupant.”
“We’re already on it, Doc.”
“Good. Even though he’s strapped down, there’s so much we don’t know about what he can do or his condition, I wouldn’t feel right if you stayed.”
Nathan pursed his lips as he looked me up and down. “You need rest, Kat. After last night, you should take a few days to—”
“I can’t do that, Nathan.” Cal was only one concern of many, and we still needed to figure out where the rest of Cal’s friends were, how close they might be, and how many of them we should expect to come looking for him. “There’s too much to do, and I—”
“I’ll see that she gets some rest,” Woody said, squeezing my shoulder. “And maybe some food.”
I grabbed my stomach, unable to think about food let alone eat it. “I don’t know about that.”
“At least try to rest, Kat,” Nathan said more softly, his eyes shifting over me.
I ran my hands over my face and through my hair, feeling the exhaustion in my bones.
“Please, for all of our sakes. By the sound of it, we’ll need all the manpower we can get soon, so go home and rest.”
I couldn’t tell Nathan that home wasn’t an option, not after what happened there. Not with a part of my roof singed to nothing. Every time I closed my eyes, I saw Ross lying unconscious on my living room floor with a burn down his cheek.
“Woody,” Nathan said, handing him his clipboard. “I’ll leave this with you for now, for safekeeping. See you tonight.”
With a final nod, the doctor was gone, and Woody and I watched the back of him as he headed out of the cellblock door toward the lobby.
“You really should get some sleep,” Woody said. “You look like hell.”
“I feel like it,” I admitted, but it wasn’t from lack of sleep or because of the lump on my temple. Daring a quick glance at Woody, I asked, “Have you heard from Ross since this morning?”
His head shifted from side to side, and he studied me closely. “It scares you,” he finally said, looking at my hands. “But it shouldn’t.”
I closed my eyes and took a steady breath. “Of course it scares me. You’ve seen how dangerous it is.”
Woody stretched out his arm and pointed at Cal. “You saved Ross’s life because of what you can do. You should never regret that, you should embrace it.”
I swallowed, staring into his eyes so full of certainty.
“I heard you talking to Huck about that serum,” he said. “I know you’re considering it, but I think that’s a big mistake.”
“You don’t know what it feels like—”
“No, I don’t, but I know better than anyone what you’ve been through, and that despite all the experiments and brainwashing, you’re like me—finally settled. You have people who need you and care about you here, and you don’t know what that damn serum will undo. You don’t know how it will change you. Why would you even risk all of that again?”
For the first time, I didn’t see Hawk Eyes standing in front of me—I saw Woody. Not the radio voice who my squad thought was crazy for all those years, but the real man behind the voice who had always helped me when I’d needed him most; who had always been so certain and so steady when he needed to be.
Hawk Eyes had been my guiding star in those dark months after the outbreak, the one person I could trust when my own companion didn’t even know me; he was the one who got us out of Anchorage when the General’s followers began to take over, and he’d trusted me, blindly.
But Woody was the real man. He was the wild eyes behind the voice. The constant presence, no matter how scatterbrained. He was my friend.
“What would you do,” he started again, his voice steady and low, “if one of us was in danger again—if you wanted to save Ross’s life, but couldn’t because you chose to give up the one innate thing inside of you that could help you do that?”
Tears burned my eyes as I imagined the guilt I already felt exponentially, heartbreakingly stronger. Of course I would hate myself if something like that happened, and even if a part of me felt like the weight of my past would dissolve if I didn’t have to be reminded of it every time the weather turned, I knew it was selfish. I imagined Cal’s gang showing up on our doorstep, unhinged, with Abilities off the charts, like his. Then I thought about my team, who had become my family. What good would I be to Ross—or to any of them for that matter—in the middle of an Ability-charged altercation, if I was no longer superhuman like they were?
“Everything comes with risks,” Woody continued. “Especially Abilities like yours, just ask Elle. Let her help you, Kat. Especially before you make a decision like this, because once you do it, it’s final.”
I stared down at my hands. “I’ve just decided,” I whispered, uncertain why I couldn’t see the repercussions sooner. “But I wonder if it might not be a good idea to have some of the serum here anyway.” I glanced down the hall of cells. “Just in case we need to use it.”
Woody threw his hands up. “That’s a whole other ugly conversation,” he said.
“But one we have to consider.” I met his reluctant gaze. “I know none of us want to contemplate that kind of control, you and I more than anyone, but we need to weigh the options.” We didn’t know what future awaited us, or if we had to prepare for unrepentant, unbending, dangerous people who could wield powers as great as our own, but we needed to protect the community and the innocent above all else. It was why we started this place and what we’d all worked so hard for.
Woody and I stared at one another for a long-drawn-out moment before he finally conceded. “We’ll discuss it.”
I nodded, knowing now wasn’t the best time, especially when such a grave decision shouldn’t be made based on fear, but I also didn’t want it to be made out of desperation later.
“Nathan said Ross is home resting,” Woody said. “Go see him. Put your mind at ease.”
Would it put my mind at ease, or would it make the anxiety worse? I was scared to see the look in Ross’s eyes when he saw me on his front stoop. Would he be afraid? Angry? Seething? Would he scold me for pushing against him all the time, because that’s what I did—I pushed against Ross so that he wouldn’t get too close, and I wouldn’t feel for him what I knew brewed beneath the surface. I was afraid to care for someone again, someone who wouldn’t love me back—I wasn’t sure I could handle it twice. If I went to see him now, I might discover there was more distance between us, or learn that Ross was disappointed in me, and I couldn’t stomach the thought.
“Kat?”
I blinked to find Woody’s gray-blue eyes shining with sympathy.
“Are you okay in there?” I felt a tear escape my lashes and I brushed it away. With a choked laugh, I nodded. “Yes, fine. I think we both know I could be much worse.”
Woody’s gaze lingered as he took the sight of me in. “Go on. I promise you’ll feel better.”
That Woody seemed so certain—scattered-brained, quirky Woody, who never took anything other than conspiracies and his family seriously—made me feel like maybe he was right. I would feel better, and right now, I needed to feel something other than the ache in my heart, and the dread of the unknown. Ross’s disappointment or anger would be better than drowning in uncertainty.
Drying my eyes, I smiled. “How is it that you sound like the sane one for once?”
Woody pulled me into him, wrapping his arms tight around me, and the contact felt so foreign, it almost hurt. I couldn’t remember the last time someone touched me or consoled me. But that wasn’t true. Ross had the day JJ died. It was always Ross—pushing me, testing me, worrying about me.
“The real question is,” Woody started, “am I sane, or are you a little bit crazier, like me?”
With a bark of laughter, I squeezed Woody back. “That’s a very good question, and I’m afraid of the answer.”