An hour later, he stood alone before Mr. Baker’s chair, fulfilling his promise to Grace.
“Mr. Baker, sir. I have story.”
“I’m listening.”
Rudi let out a measured breath. “Is story of German U-boat sailor.”
“Oh? Do you know this guy?”
“Yes, sir. I know this guy.” He stood taller, dared himself to go on. He’d promised her. “This guy and friends win card game on boat. Prize is go to land for one night. They hear music, and are happy to find party. Lots of people dance, have good time.”
Danny’s frown was curious. “They got off the sub? Huh. Never heard of that before.”
“Is maybe first time. I do not know. But is truth. Kapitänleutnant say is okay.”
“Wait,” Danny said slowly. “Are you—”
“After dance men go back to U-boat. Next day comes airplane with Bombe. Boom! U-boat is gone. Only one sailor come out.” He sat down, resigned. “End of story.”
Danny was now staring openly at him. “What are you saying? That U-boat in the channel . . . Are you talking about that one?”
Rudi didn’t need to answer.
“You were on that U-boat?” He shook his head. “But you told us . . .”
“I tell lie.”
Danny’s fingers curled around the arms of his chair. “So you’re not a deserter.”
“Sir, please, I must tell more story. When I come here, I am Nazi, yes. I am not deserter, not anything, just afraid. I go to camp and I am okay.” He took a deep breath, finally saying out loud what he’d been contemplating for a while. “And now I feel myself happy for first time. I work hard, I hurt no one. I want to stay.”
Danny was staring so intently at him that Rudi had to make a conscious effort not to look away. There was nothing more he could do to plead his case. He had given himself up to the inevitable conclusion, to the prison cell or firing squad or whatever the authorities decided to do with him, so he was taken completely off guard when Mr. Baker asked him to describe what it was like on the U-boat.
“Sir?”
“On a U-boat. Tell me about it.”
“U-boat . . . it is hot, sir. Many people in small place for long time.”
“Crowded.”
“Yes, sir. Smells very bad.” He tried desperately to remember what he’d tried so hard to forget. “We do not see many things, only U-boat.”
“Of course. Because you’re underwater. Did you enjoy being a sailor on a U-boat? A member of the Third Reich?”
He swallowed. “It is . . .” What was the word? “Meine Pflicht, what men do for country.”
“Your duty, then.”
Duty. He must remember that word.
“All right. I have another question. Were you proud to be on that ship? When your captain spotted enemy ships and ordered you to fire, was it exciting?”
How should he respond? Certainly being with the navy had been exciting at times, and he did indeed recall the thrill of firing a torpedo at last, after a long hunt. Was he proud of himself? Shouldn’t he be? He had worked his whole life to be where he’d ended up. Yes, he was proud, but it wasn’t like when he’d first started. The indistinct, abstract acts of distant violence they inflicted had begun to cut through his resolve when he thought about the men, like him, who lived on the ships they destroyed. U-69’s intent was only to sink the ships and stop shipments, but men died along the way. Lives were lost. And with those lives went the photographs, the letters, the books, all the little things that proved those men had ever existed.
Rudi had spent many nights in his bunk, battling his conscience, trying to persuade himself that they were in the right, that he had nothing to regret. Only the notion of duty had calmed his tormented conscience.
“Rudi?”
He swallowed, tasting panic. “This is my duty, sir.”
“That was not my question, sailor. Did you like being on board that submarine?”
He should have died weeks earlier. He should be forever trapped under the sea with the rest of them. Every day he lived was one he did not deserve, and he had no right to ask for more.
But this family had taken him in, hidden him, trusted him. The man seated before him had given him the benefit of the doubt despite his natural suspicions. And now Grace, beautiful Grace, suffered because of Rudi’s lies. Because of him. He had to make it right, try to heal the hurt he’d inflicted, prove to her he was not the terrible man she now believed him to be. But how could he repair so much damage?
His sense of duty had been his light in the darkness before. What was he supposed to believe in now?
Danny Baker still waited for a response.
Listen to your heart, son. Do what is right.
Rudi lifted his chin. “Sir, you ask if I am proud being in navy. Navy is all I do as boy, as man, and I do best I can. So yes. I am proud. But I understand why you ask this question. You think U-boat is . . .” He reached deep into his brain, searching for a word Danny had once put there. “It is coward boat.”
Perhaps it was. After all, Rudi and his crew had been responsible for the deaths of men they’d never seen. They could easily have been responsible for Norman’s death, and he’d never have known. It had always seemed an odd, detached way to fight, but that’s all he knew.
“Do I like U-boat? No, sir.” He set his jaw as emotions threatened to intervene. “But I am good sailor. I do my job. But I do not like to kill. I do not want killing. I do not want war.”
He was not included in the brief family meeting which followed. Tommy had taken him to the kitchen, ordered him to stay put, then turned back. Betrayal burned in his friend’s eyes, and Rudi hated himself for it. He had set that fire, put that pain there.
After a while, Mr. Baker cracked open the door. “We’d like to talk to you,” he said, and Rudi followed him back to the sitting room.
Mrs. Baker surprised him by speaking first. She was delicate and beautiful, a fairer version of her daughter, with softer features. A faded scar cut across one cheek, and it made him wonder.
“Rudi, you lied to us,” she said.
Grace sat beside her mother, stiff as an officer on a firing squad. What had she said to the others?
“But we also understand,” Audrey continued, “you were in a difficult position. What we want to know is what is going to happen now.”
He waited, but no one said anything. Other than Grace and Tommy, they didn’t seem angry, just curious.
“Are you planning to stay?” she asked.
“I . . . I can stay?”
“Is that what you want?”
“Yes, yes! I want to stay. I want to work.” He looked at Danny, stunned. “You are not reporting me?”
“Frankly, I don’t know who I would report you to,” he admitted. “Our guys would lock you up in Halifax. I have a feeling the Germans—if I could actually figure out how to get you to them—would be a lot harder on you.”
“I work hard, Mr. Baker, and I am not lying again.”
Tommy was the only one still scowling. “We can’t keep him hidden forever.”
“We can for now.” Mr. Baker folded his arms. “Rudi made mistakes, but I don’t see what else he could have done, honestly. I could be wrong, but I say he stays.”
How could it be so easy? Rudi wondered. How could all his wrongs have become all right?
Mrs. Baker said, “People deserve second chances.”
Grace’s parents shared a look Rudi couldn’t read, then Danny said, “Rudi did what he’d been told to do, just like Harry and Eugene are doing now. If they got caught in a similar situation, I’d want to think they’d be treated fairly as well.”
“Thank you, sir.” Rudi breathed. This was more than he deserved.
Mr. Baker turned to Tommy’s mother. “Now, Elizabeth, it’s your house. If you’re not comfortable with him staying there anymore, you just speak up. He can stay here.”
Without a word, Grace rose and quickly left the room. Everyone watched her go. Rudi’s stomach clenched; he wanted her to stay, to say something so he’d have an idea what she was thinking. Her father’s decision meant Rudi could speak to her again, that he had a chance to persuade her that he was trustworthy, if that was possible.
“I think Grace has some thinking to do,” Mr. Baker said. “Elizabeth, you let me know by the end of the day about him living at your house.”
The look Tommy’s mother gave Rudi was sad and forgiving at the same time. “He’s welcome to stay if it’s okay with Tommy.”
Tommy’s attention was on his feet, and one hand scrubbed roughly through his hair. “You lie to me again, I’m throwing you in prison with my own two hands. Then I’m dropping the key in the ocean.”
“I will not lie again.” God help him, he prayed that was true. Now that all his ugly truths were out, there should be nothing left to lie about.
They met each other’s eyes, then Tommy faced his uncle. “Then it’s okay with me.”