Key Concepts of
The Meaning of Marriage
Timothy Keller draws a clear distinction between the modern views of marriage versus the covenantal promise. He explains how a biblical perspective elevates love and sex. Finally, he speaks of the power of marriage, which is the sanctification of husband and wife and a reflection of the love of God.
I. MODERN VIEWS OF MARRIAGE VERSUS THE COVENANTAL PROMISE
Keller refutes modern assumptions about what marriage should be and presents readers with the biblical perspective of a covenantal marriage. He says the current high rates of divorce and marital problems and the pessimism that some feel about marriage aren’t indications of trouble with the institution of marriage. Rather, they are indications that our culture is burdened by a distorted view of marriage. The biblical vision of covenantal marriage is as secure as ever, he writes. It just needs to be understood and lived.
Keller says people tend to go to one extreme or the other in their distorted perspectives of marriage. Some believe marriage is akin to a romantic fairy tale, where one must discover one’s perfect soul mate, who will bring fulfillment and joy to one’s life. Others believe marriage is a gloomy prospect for the future, doomed to be boring and stifling. They point to their parents’ failed marriage or the struggling marriages of others and feel a sense of hopelessness. These people tend to either avoid marriage altogether or enter into a marriage without real commitment and quickly divorce when disillusionment sets in.
Individuals these days are likely to be looking for a soul mate, according to Keller—someone physically attractive, sexually compatible, smart, and funny. This mate should help them fulfill their personal goals and bring them immense happiness. Ironically, they expect their perfect partners to disregard their own flaws and not require too much from them. They expect to have all their needs met while having no demands placed on them. Of course, this is a recipe for disappointment. Keller recommends looking for a good match and then expecting areas of incompatibility.
According to Keller, marriage has traditionally been viewed as a permanent covenant designed for mutual love, procreation, and social stability. Major religions taught that marriage is a sign of God’s love through which people serve each other and the greater society. But during the Enlightenment of the eighteenth century, a growing number of people began to believe that individual fulfillment and self-actualization was the purpose of life. Marriage began to be seen as a contract between two partners, both looking to reach their full potential. This came with heavy expectations that marriage would bring feelings of fulfillment and joy. Sex and romance were expected to fill the hole that used to be filled by faith in God. No human being can live up to those impossible expectations, and thus disillusionment became the norm.
In contrast, the biblical view of marriage is based on the belief that God is the supreme good that people seek, and they are restless until they find him. Individual fulfillment or sacrifice for family will not relieve that restlessness, and are actually more likely to leave one disheartened or resentful. In marriage, the individuals make promises to each other and also to God, forming a three-way covenant. Covenants are the most binding and intimate of relationships; an example is the relationship between a mother and her child. When a couple professes their marital vows, they promise future love, which brings freedom and security to their relationship. A covenantal relationship unites passion, duty, freedom, and promise.
Keller says that through marriage, God reveals himself. He points to passages in the New Testament that show that God always intended people to marry. And in the Old Testament, in Genesis, God made Adam and Eve for each other and declared their union good. God is triune—Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Made in his image, we’re created to be in a relationship with each other and with God. Marriage helps us understand the gospels, which in turn helps us understand marriage.
Jesus displayed perfect love for his church through his willing self-sacrifice on the cross. Jesus humbly took on a human body and endured suffering and death for the sake of his beloved people. This was done not out of weakness but out of the strongest love. In marriage, one is called to the same kind of love. The choice is not between seeking self-fulfillment within marriage or self-sacrifice for one’s family. Christian marriage is about mutual sacrifice that leads to mutual fulfillment.
Despite the current pessimism about marriage in today’s culture, scientific studies suggest that marriage has its benefits. Married people have better physical and mental health than their single counterparts and are more financially secure. Surveys show that the majority of people are happy in their marriages, and demonstrate that those who are currently dissatisfied are very likely to become happy within five years if they don’t divorce. Children also benefit from stable marriages.
Marriage is glorious, Keller concludes, but it is also extremely challenging. It has cycles of joy, pain, romance, and disillusionment. Both partners enter as flawed individuals who have a lot to learn about each other. They will change as they encounter life’s joys and difficulties and have to readjust to each other. Yet the couple that stands united and grows together will experience the most profound of all human relationships. To be fully known and loved and to fully know and love another is rewarding and wonderful.
Examples from The Meaning of Marriage
• Timothy Keller says disillusionment has always been part of the natural order of marriage. It is how people deal with this disillusionment that has changed. He points to the example of Sue and Jeff, whom Keller ministered to as a pastor. Sue was initially attracted to Jeff because he was good-looking, outgoing, and talkative; he tended to be social and spontaneous. Jeff was attracted to Sue because she was shy and adoring of him. About a year after they married, they came to Keller for counseling, both disillusioned by their marriage. Sue now saw Jeff’s talkative and social nature as self-absorption and an inability to listen, while Jeff saw Sue’s quietness as a lack of transparency. His spontaneity had begun to annoy her, and she interpreted it as a lack of career-planning. Her shy nature had covered up what Jeff now believed was a domineering personality. Their marriage ended in divorce when they could not put aside or work through their disillusionment. Keller says that he sees this happening over and over because of the impossible expectations couples set for marriage and their partners.
• Kathy Keller says that when people are looking for a spouse, they often look for a finished statue when they should be looking for a wonderful block of marble. She is not saying that a spouse is a fix-it project and one should take a chisel in hand. Rather, she says, Jesus is the master sculptor, and he has a vision in mind. One can be his instrument, to lovingly bring one’s spouse closer to perfection. In the best moments of marriage, she says, a spouse gets a vision of who their partner can and will be. They will notice the flaws and gently help their spouse correct them, but they are awed and in love with the unique vision of what God has created their spouse to be, which will be perfectly accomplished in heaven.
Applying the Concept
• Study what the Bible says about love and marriage. You will have opinions based on how you were raised. You have been surrounded by images of how Hollywood sees marriage. So you can expect you have some learning to do and some adjustments to make in your attitudes toward marriage. Learn from the creator of marriage himself by reading and studying the Bible, especially passages on marriage, love, and sex.
• Don’t expect your spouse to fulfill you or make you happy. Inside every heart is a space that no human can fill. Expecting your spouse to “complete you” is not fair. Turn to God instead. Also, find many sources of happiness, such as friends, hobbies, volunteer work, and a fulfilling career. Your spouse can and should be your best friend, but not your entire world. If you are single, realize that you don’t need marriage to be whole. You are already whole and deeply loved.
• Seek to lovingly serve your spouse. Reject the notion of a consumer marriage in which you look to your spouse to make your life better. Instead, put your self-centeredness aside and humbly give your time, attention, love, and service to your spouse. The best marriages involve mutual self-giving.
II. A BIBLICAL PERSPECTIVE ELEVATES LOVE AND SEX
Is it possible to sustain romantic love in a covenantal marriage? Many see lifelong, monogamous marriage as the enemy of romantic love. Timothy Keller believes romantic love and covenantal commitment actually feed each other in a harmonious cycle. Monogamous sex within marriage is heightened, not dampened, by the bonds of a covenant.
Those who choose to live following their senses and passions are called aesthetes. They claim they have more freedom than those who choose to be bound by religious or ethical considerations. In relationships, aesthetes might change sexual partners as it suits them. However, according to Keller, what they’re experiencing is not freedom. Their feelings and impulses are driving them. Their current satisfaction is dampened by the idea that the next good thing might be around the corner. They can become slaves to their desires. For example, someone who consumes pornography might have a thrilling momentary sensation, but the experience is not authentically satisfying. Most are left with empty feelings and some become addicted. Aesthetes are more in love with their own emotions than with any actual person, he says, while those in covenantal relationships move past the thrill to begin to love the person.
A committed marriage allows one to begin to peel away layers of pretense that everyone surrounds themselves with, until one truly knows one’s spouse. In this close relationship, flaws are revealed and a sense of security arises when spouses move past them. One learns how one’s partner experiences love and to how to better meet one’s expectations. Shared experiences and memories deepen affection. The sexual bonds of marriage actually bring freedom. Brief love affairs bring fleeting thrills, but a marriage that lasts decades is a monument to love.
Legally binding oneself to another through marriage isn’t just a formality. It’s an act of great faith and love, as the two partners mutually give their lives to each other before God and their community. Vows are important when relationships hit difficult patches. Vows allow breathing room until a couple can work out their problems. Of course, there are times divorce is inevitable, but Keller says it should be the last resort.
Commitment between flawed individuals is never easy. All long-standing relationships start with romance and cycle through disillusionment, romance rekindled, and joy. Keller explains how feelings undulate and one can expect to greatly dislike his or her partner at times. The Bible talks about love not as a measure of how much we like our partner or how much we get, but of how much we give of ourselves to the other person. In the Bible, Paul says husbands ought to love their wives. Paul is not speaking about feelings, which one can’t control. He is talking about behavior, love in action, and decision.
Christian marriage involves mutual self-giving, which means that no matter what one feels, one decides to love by treating one’s spouse kindly and giving of oneself. It’s a misconception that one must feel affection to give it. Look at the love a mother or father have for their children, a covenantal love, Keller says. Their children might annoy them at times, but the parents give affection anyway. The parent doesn’t expect reciprocal love and care from the child. In marriage, people often make the mistake of expecting reciprocal affection at all times and punishing their spouse when they don’t receive it. This only leads to a snowball effect of emotional withdrawal, resentment, and anger.
Sex was designed by God and is a powerful way to unite a couple, making them one flesh. Science has shown that during sex, oxytocin, nicknamed “the love hormone,” is released, as it is when a mother breast-feeds a baby. Scientists believe oxytocin promotes powerful bonding. Sex is a natural appetite, but one that affects the heart in profound ways. Misusing it can have repercussions beyond just those of the body. Relationships outside marriage don’t support the message sent with one’s body during marital sex. Neither does premarital sex. Keller says if persons are ready to commit with their body, they should also commit emotionally, socially, and legally. Although the concept is countercultural and does require discipline, abstinence before marriage is to a single person’s benefit, he maintains.
Within marriage, sex is a way to maintain and deepen a union. Keller compares it to the covenant renewal ceremonies in the Old Testament. Christians believe that sex is sacramental, the physical renewal of the marriage vows. The Bible instructs married spouses to have frequent, reciprocal, mutually satisfying sex.
Modern culture sends the message that couples shouldn’t have sex unless both are in the mood. A lack of sex drive can indeed point to problems in a marriage. But a marriage certainly will become troubled if couples wait until both partners desire sex. It will most likely lead to hurt feelings, resentment, and further withdrawal. It’s OK, even good, to have sex just to please your spouse. Christian sex involves mutual self-donation, each partner seeking to please the other, leading to mutual satisfaction and union. Keller says that sex is but a foretaste of the joy we will experience when we unite with Christ in heaven for eternity.
Examples from The Meaning of Marriage
• The story of Ulysses and the Sirens is used by Keller to illustrate the advantages of marital vows. When Ulysses was approaching the island of the Sirens, he knew that their magical, seductive voices would bring insanity and doom. He knew that he could avoid this fate by staying out of earshot. He stuffed the ears of his crew with wax, tied himself to his ship’s mast, and ordered his crew to disregard his pleas, no matter what, until they had passed the island and moved on to safety. Likewise, Keller says that marriage vows keep most marriages intact through the natural cycles of temptation and disillusionment. All couples experience difficulties, but most couples stay together because of the vows they made before God and the world. The vast majority find joy again.
• Timothy and Kathy Keller write that they were virgins when they married—not a common thing. Their first sexual experiences were clumsy and awkward, and he felt somewhat discouraged. But their relationship was deeper than just sexual stimulation and thrill. They were expressing vulnerability to each other and the oneness of their bodies that had grown with their relationship. They were rejoicing in each other and experiencing the physical and spiritual pleasure of giving themselves to the other wholly. As time went by, they grew more experienced in pleasing each other and things got easier. At times one or the other laid aside his or her own emotions and moods to have sex when the person didn’t feel like it. Keller says that the joy of sex in marriage will often change those moods. There is a deep joy to marital sex that goes beyond just sexual performance.
Applying the Concept
• Be more concerned about your own flaws than your spouse’s flaws. Your spouse will do annoying things and have character flaws that are hard to ignore, just as you do. Before you nag or pick a fight, ask yourself if doing so serves the relationship. Your spouse probably is aware of the areas where he or she needs to change. Your energy might be better spent working on your own faults.
• Be self-giving and generous in sex with your spouse. Don’t use sex as a bargaining chip or withhold sex out of anger or indifference. Proceed with love and dignity in the bedroom. The goal should be mutual self-giving, not achieving peak performance. Pleasure and joy in sex are good. Sex is a God-given gift that strengthens a couple and unites them. Read the Song of Songs for a peek at beautiful intimacy.
• Decide to love your spouse with your actions, even when the feelings aren’t there. 1 Corinthians 13:4 offers a biblical definition of love: “Love is patient. Love is kind.” When disillusioned with your spouse, make an extra effort to act in a loving manner. Rather than succumbing to your feelings, try complimenting your spouse, doing one of his or her chores, or buying your spouse a small gift. The feelings and the relationship will slowly get better.
III. THE POWER OF MARRIAGE
Timothy Keller tells us that one cannot understand the meaning of marriage and its purpose without the Bible. God created marriage with a specific purpose and plan in mind. Jesus came to earth and became a perfect model, illustrating marriage through his love for his people, whom he went to the cross to sanctify. The apostle Paul gave more instruction for Christian spouses, which was radically countercultural in his time and is still radically countercultural today. By studying the gospel, one can discover the meaning of marriage and the power it holds.
In the Garden of Eden, God says that Adam’s aloneness is not good. Adam, created in God’s image, also needed a relationship. So God created Eve and proclaimed her a “helper-companion” to Adam. In Genesis 2:24, the Bible explains that this is why men leave their family and become one flesh with their spouse. Marriage was ordained by God and is the primary human relationship. It was radical in ancient times to suggest that people don’t belong to their parents, and it’s radical in some cultures today, but Christians believe that spouses must put all relationships, jobs, children, hobbies, and commitments in their proper place when getting married. Their spouse needs to be their first priority.
Keller says that many people have pseudo-spouses—people who supersede one’s spouse. Even good things are damaging when they are placed above one’s spouse. He says common pseudo-spouses he encounters when counseling married couples are in-laws, friendships, careers, and hobbies. When one’s child becomes the pseudo-spouse, it is particularly sad, because not only is the marriage damaged, but the child often feels the instability of the relationship and has anxiety about it. The child will also suffer from the lack of a healthy example of marriage.
Spouses are designed to be friends. They should encourage each other, show vulnerability, give honest critique, refine each other in debate, love each other in good and bad times, and affirm each other. They should also share a common passion that they are both committed to.
Keller points out that in the New Testament Paul says there is an even deeper dimension to marriage. Spouses are not just to be best friends, but also to embrace the common vision of redemption that Jesus bought at a price; they are Christian friends who live the gospel together and wait in joyful hope for the future glory.
They must do this by being very honest with each other, admitting their weaknesses, accepting help, and seeking forgiveness. Christian friends must challenge each other in love, confronting the other if they are going astray. They must remain constant, bearing each other’s burdens, persisting in mutual self-giving. They must encourage and build up each other. They should pray together. The common goal that Christian friends share is sanctity and heaven. The best marriages are made of individuals who are friends in both a worldly and a Christian sense.
Keller says marriage has some built-in graces that help spouses with the monumental task of sanctification. The first is the power of truth. In marriage, masks are stripped away and people are revealed in ways they are not in any other aspect of life. The merged life of two equal individuals reveals their strengths and weaknesses. This unsparing revelation comes with a unique challenge not to run away from oneself or one’s spouse in fear. It is a scary process, but it is also freeing to reveal all one’s ills so that healing can begin.
The second power with which God imbued marriage is the power of love. The power of truth reveals to you your true self through your spouse’s eyes. The love and high opinion of your spouse carries great weight, because he or she also knows the worst of you. This is the beautiful, healing side of truth. Strengths, virtue, and beauty are revealed and bring love. It’s a reflection of the love Jesus has for us. He sees the good and bad and loves us immensely. It’s important that one’s spouse feels that love. It’s vital that people learn to communicate their love in the unique way, so that their spouse can hear their love language.
The third power of marriage is the power of grace. Grace allows one to tell the truth without cruelty and to love without enabling. The experience of Jesus’s grace makes one humble enough to see his or her own sinfulness and incapable of feeling superior. It also makes one feel loved enough to never feel inferior and unworthy of being treated well. The experience of grace brings one the ability to forgive a wrong, even before forgiveness is asked. It brings one true repentance that allows for reconciliation.
Embracing the Christian view of marriage, one may see his or her spouse, though growing older in body, spiritually growing purer and more splendid, slowly transfigured into the image God had in mind. Others around them will be drawn to their joy and, as a result, draw closer to Jesus themselves. Their children will be inspired to their own journey of sanctification. Keller says Christian marriage has a power that can’t be denied.
Examples from The Meaning of Marriage
• Keller stresses the concept that in marriage one’s spouse needs to be one’s best friend. He says people often have pseudo-spouses in their careers, outside friendships, or even children. He gives the example of a woman who was destroying her marriage by putting her daughter first. Her husband greatly resented the time and attention the woman was paying to her daughter’s music career. The woman was living vicariously through her child. It was not until a counselor suggested that she was actually harming her daughter with her behavior that the woman began to put proper focus on her husband and her marriage.
• When Kathy and Timothy Keller married, they discovered some differences in their family backgrounds. Timothy’s parents kept to traditional gender roles, while Kathy’s father did a lot of housework, particularly after her mother’s stroke. When Kathy and Timothy had a baby, Timothy balked when Kathy wanted him to change diapers. According to Timothy, it wasn’t just a difference in how they perceived gender roles, but also in how they received love. Kathy viewed Timothy changing the diapers as an act love for her, while he imagined her changing diapers as an act of love and respect for him. Both were craving the special feeling of being served, and when each resisted, they each felt unloved and disrespected. In the end, Timothy decided to change the diaper, because he could then give an act of service to his wife and baby. Here Keller illustrates the power of truth in marriage, which unveils strengths and flaws, and the power of love, which affirms and heals.
Applying the Concept
• Be filled with the Spirit. You can’t minister to your spouse without first being filled with the Spirit. Look to God to fill your restless heart, not your spouse. Settle the big questions. Who is God? Who are you in God’s eyes? Explore Christ’s life until you rejoice in what he has done for you. Live a life of joy, gratitude, and strength that doesn’t waver in life’s circumstances. Nourish yourself spiritually so that you come to your spouse ready to give.
• Foster a spiritual friendship with your spouse. Your spouse must be your best friend. Don’t allow other relationships, including those with your children, to take precedence over your most important relationship. Pray and read the Bible together. Be open, honest, and vulnerable with your spouse about your strengths and weaknesses. Encourage your spouse in his or her strengths and gifts. Reconcile and forgive. Hold each other to high standards. Help each other toward heaven.
• Investigate how to meet your spouse’s emotional needs. Common ways to show love are physical touch such as cuddling or hand-holding, gifts, acts of service, words of affection, and quality time. People give and receive love differently, and your spouse will best be able to hear love expressed in his or her own love language. It’s not enough to feel love for your spouse. To access the power of love in your marriage, your spouse must know he or she is loved.
Key Takeaways
• Marriage wasn’t created to bring self-fulfillment with one’s soul mate, nor was it created to doom one to self-sacrifice for the sake of others. Marriage was created by God to reflect his saving love in a beautiful relationship of mutual self-giving. Like all things created by God, it is good. It’s a covenant, the deepest and most intimate of all human relationships, a triune promise between husband, wife, and God.
• The romantic love and passionate sex of Hollywood might appear thrilling, but covenantal love and sex in marriage has superior beauty. In committed marriage, one can peel away his or her mask and be truly known and loved. Shared experiences, struggles, and mutual growth feed love. Sex becomes a glorious act of mutual self-giving. Vows bind a couple together during the inevitable times of disillusionment, with both partners deciding to love in their actions until feelings of affection and joy return.
• Marriage is designed to be the ultimate friendship, after the example of Jesus Christ. Christian spouses are meant to love each other with deep friendship focused on a common goal, which is heaven. Spouses should help each other move toward sanctification, which will ultimately be achieved in heaven. The power of truth (transparency), the power of love, and the power of grace (forgiveness and reconciliation) are the tools of a Christian marriage.