Key Terms

aesthetes  Aestheticism is a branch of philosophy that is concerned with nature and appreciation of beauty. Aesthetes don’t ask if something is good or bad in a moral sense, but simply follow their tastes and passions. They say they have great personal freedom, but Keller says that actually this outlook often makes them slaves to their passions. In relationships, aesthetes are driven by their desires and tend toward serial relationships, always looking for the next best thing. Keller says that true love is achieved only by embracing an ethical or religious outlook and committing to another person, even when feelings wane.

consumer marriage  In consumer marriages, the individual’s needs are more important than the relationship. Consumer relationships last only as long as the other provides what one wants, at an acceptable cost. If one finds a better situation, one moves on. It is also known as a “me-marriage.” Keller says that cohabitation is often a consumer relationship, as the couple is testing the waters to see if the relationship works for them. If the costs are too high, they’ll move on. Some people enter into trial marriages, which are also consumer relationships.

covenantal love  A covenant is a blending of law and love. Love seeks permanence, even as one’s emotions wax and wane, and a covenantal relationship establishes that permanence. Covenants are binding relationships in which the good of the relationship takes precedence over the immediate needs of the individuals. A parent-child relationship is an example of a natural covenantal relationship. A horizontal covenant is one between two people. A vertical covenant is one between a person or people and God. Marriage is both a horizontal and a vertical covenant. It is the strongest and most intimate covenant a person can make.

filled with the Spirit  This phrase refers to Ephesians 5:8–33. Being filled with the Spirit means living a life of joy and gratitude, always mindful of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross; carrying a song in one’s heart because of the saving love of Jesus, regardless of life’s changing circumstances; and emulating Jesus by humbly serving others. Keller suggests that we will not be able to live Christian marriage to the fullest if we are not filled with the Spirit.

love language  Keller says that communicating love to a spouse can be a challenge because people give and receive love in different ways, speaking what Keller refers to as different love languages. Maybe a husband communicates his love to his wife by treating her sensually, while she longs for quality time together. Both might end up feeling neglected. According to Keller there are many forms of love, and it’s important to communicate in the way that’s most valuable to one’s significant other.

marriage vows  In the Christian sense, Keller says, marriage vows are not declarations of current love but mutual and binding promises of lasting future love and commitment, regardless of changing feelings or circumstances. They are not simply pieces of paper, but promises to one’s spouse and God, made before one’s community. The vows create permanence and a sense of security that allows for vulnerability. Christian marriage is not strictly a private matter. It is a way to build community through children and strong families, and to bear witness to Christ’s love through the mutual self-giving nature of marriage.

power of grace  Keller says the power of truth and the power of love cannot be practiced in marriage without the power of grace, which is forgiveness and repentance. Love without truth is false love that can’t be sustained. Truth without love is cruelty. Grace allows the two to operate in a relationship. If one can speak truth to someone about an injury, with grace already in motion, the relationship will be served. Forgiveness is easier when one realizes that he or she is a flawed person who has been forgiven. One is neither superior nor inferior to the transgressor. By reflecting on what Jesus did on the cross, one learns the power of grace.

power of love  The power of love is the grace in marriage that affirms and heals past hurts. The baggage one carries into the marriage, negative self-images, or labels that others have imposed can be healed by the love of a spouse. Spouses’ opinions carry great weight, because they know their spouse better than any other person. Through the spouse’s eyes, Keller says, one gets a peek at the love of Jesus, who sees the mess we are and loves anyway, restoring dignity and beauty. To communicate the power of love, it isn’t enough to love one’s spouse. One must communicate in that spouse’s own love language, so the spouse knows he or she is loved.

power of truth  The power of truth in marriage makes it impossible to be fake and requires revealing one’s true self to the other, good and bad, Keller says. There is no other relationship like marriage for stripping away the masks and revealing one’s humanity. Other relationships, such as the parent-child relationship, have an unequal balance of power, but not marriage. In a good marriage, this power of truth will be wielded to help both people improve, because the partners will be honest with themselves and their spouse.

pseudo-spouse  Christian marriage requires that one’s spouse is one’s best friend and the most important person in one’s life. Many people set up emotional relationships that are more important to them than their spouse. Keller is not talking about an extramarital affair, but something that might seem good on the surface, such as a best friend, a relationship with parents, a career, a hobby, or even a child. Keller says pseudo-spouses often take time, energy, and emotion away from the marriage relationship and cause great damage.

soul mate  Keller says that many singles are hunting for a soul mate, someone who meets their strict list of criteria and doesn’t want to change them. They are not searching for someone who has the potential to have a deep friendship with them, but someone who is attractive, smart, funny—basically, perfect. Keller believes this modern, unrealistic view causes many to have failed relationships or fail to enter into relationships in the first place.