1. I will not phone deaf old ladies out of the blue. I will arrange to be vouched for, and introduced.
2. I will not bang on people’s front doors with my fist, or any metaphorical version of that.
3. I will try to recognise Yiddish words.
4. I will answer questions about my parents, my marital status, my children and their incomes, without flinching.
5. I will make sure I always have a clean hanky.
6. I will try to say German words correctly.
7. Schpielberg is the correct pronunciation of the name of the movie director.
8. I will not interrupt old people when they are telling me their story, except if there is a fire alarm.
9. I will not cry unless they do.
10. If they are women, they were beautiful when they were young.
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After I find a book with the title This Crazy Thing a Life I add Rule Eleven: Life is Crazy. People are getting by.
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Much later, having noticed the contributions made by Billy Pilgrim, the Tralfamadorians, Jacques Austerlitz and a man called Bloomfield, from Melbourne, I add two more rules, these to be applied ex post facto.
12. It is important to find out things but even more important to avoid harming natural people.
13. Fictional people do not look you in the eye or feel pain. They are available without appointment, and at very little expense. Furthermore, their wellbeing is not a concern to any official bodies. They therefore make excellent research participants, and will be considered whenever possible as a preferable alternative to natural people or the natural descendants of dead people.