Janet lay on his chest, overwhelmed by the flood of uncontrollable tears. Her heart ached, her mind was a blur. Fear stung her guts for his silence, but the slow, gentle strokes of his hand on her back gave her some comfort. Even though, she shivered as another wave of nausea threatened to make her sick.
Eventually he spoke, in a subdued tone, “So Eddie and Mary Ann raised our daughter…Why did you decide so?”
Janet wiped her eyes and with a huge effort pushed up to sit. Scott raised himself as well, but moved to sit close to her, his arm behind her back. His warmth next to her sparked a brief moment of overwhelming longing. Her whole body ached with the need to be held by him, with a need to be told that he understood, that he would forgive her.
She drew in a deep breath to calm down. “I had no choice, Scott. I was a single mother with no home, no job, no education. I couldn’t rely on Eddie and Mary Ann to support me, although they did offer. They asked me to come with them to Seattle.
“We decided that it’d be best if they took Joann, and I’d get myself an education, establish a financially secure future for both of us, and until then Eddie and Mary Ann would look after her. They already had their own daughter, Ellie, and Mary Ann had decided to stay at home and look after their children. She convinced me she’d be happy to look after Joann for me as well, until I had achieved what I needed, a permanent job and a home. We also made plans that if you came back, they would bring Joann to us, but you never did.
“For the first three years I spent in New York, I struggled to survive, but the knowledge that Joann was safe and well looked after gave me strength to pursue my career. I always planned some day to go and get her, but as time went by I realized that she would be far better off with my brother and his wife.
“Before I traveled to Europe and settled in Italy, I flew to see Joann. She was such a happy child, and so clearly saw Eddie and Mary Ann as her parents that I then decided I’d leave her with them. It broke my heart, but it was the right choice.”
She took another deep breath, swiped her hair from her face and continued. “I think if you’d come back, things would have been different, but just before I flew to Seattle I met Sheryl, my friend from back home, in New York.”
“The same Sheryl to whose mother you lied about us?” His face was only inches away, his eyes dark with pain.
She felt his tension, but smiled briefly. “Yes. She told me that you had been reported missing in action a few months earlier, and with the other news of the war in headlines, with all the terrible losses that happened over there, in Vietnam, I came to the conclusion that you must have been killed because no one had heard anything of you.”
“Fair enough. There was no way for you to know, was there?”
“No, but it affected my decision. I left Joann to my brother because I knew you would never come back. She was safe, and I’d spend the rest of my life repenting for my sins.”
“How can you define love as a sin? We did nothing wrong, Janet. We were in love. I won’t accept it as a sin, I just won’t.” The disbelief that bordered on anger was evident.
“I’ve since then taken a different view, Scott, but those days I truly believed that God had punished me, us, for our behavior.”
“So you don’t anymore?”
“I made my peace with God. I think I adopted your kind of loving, caring God, and rejected the old, vengeful one, although I’m not so sure now that I should’ve.”
“Why? What the hell are you talking about?” A deep frown appeared on his face as he pulled back and stared at her.
“Don’t you see? He is punishing us again. We can’t tell Joann, so we are forced to live a lie for the rest of our lives. It hurts my soul that I can’t tell her, but there’s nothing I can do.”
The fire that flared in Scott’s eyes scared her. He stood, his voice choked with emotion. “The hell you can! She has the right to know, and I have the right to be with my daughter. No one asked her, or me, and I’m not going to accept your decision. Joann needs to be told who her real parents are.”
“Please, Scott. You can’t tell her. It would break her heart for good.”
“What about my heart? And yours? I absolutely refuse to carry on lying to her. She needs to know.”
“Please. Think this through. If you tell her now, her future may be ruined. She’s in a very fragile state of mind at the moment, uncertain of what to do with her life, only just taking the first steps to becoming an adult. This kind of news would devastate her. If we told her that all the adults in her life have lied to her, what do you think would happen?”
“I haven’t lied to her, and I’m not going to start either. You can be sure of that.” The seething anger in him seemed to make the air crackle with electricity, like before a fierce thunderstorm. He swirled on his heels and charged out with long, angry strides.
Tears and panic choked Janet’s throat, but she forced herself to follow him. With an unsteady gait, she reached the front exit and leaned on the doorjamb, then walked to the yard and glanced around. Scott was nowhere in sight.
Vader stood at the edge of the small cliff behind the house and looked up. His tail wagged in an uncertain fashion. He trotted to Janet and sat in front of her, his intense brown eyes fixed on hers.
“What is it, Vader?” she whispered through tears.
The dog glanced toward the cliff and then back at her. He gave a low whiny mutter.
“Scott’s up there, is he?”
The dog stood and wagged his tail, turned and took a few steps, then looked at her over his shoulder.
“I think he needs to be alone, Vader.”
Vader’s attention fixed to the cliff, then he trotted to it, leaped easily up the path, and vanished into the low shrub-like trees.
Janet couldn’t help smiling. Maybe the dog’s company was the best for Scott for the moment. The panic returned and she felt weak. Scott's anger was understandable, but his plan to tell Joann…
She’d have to convince him not to tell her. She strolled to sit on one of the deckchairs. Was she right? Was lying to Joann about her true parents fair? She knew it wasn’t fair to Scott.
She lay on the chair, weak, aching all over. No matter which way she twisted the thought, someone would be hurt. She herself had learned to live with the pain, but how could she expect Scott to remain detached, to deny his daughter? She wished she hadn’t told him, but knew she had to. Her conscience would have never let her live in peace if she hadn’t.
Vader’s wet nose startled her from her thoughts. The dog wagged his tail furiously as he fussed next to her, clearly sensing that she wasn’t alright, and trying his best to cheer her up.
“Vader, you silly pooch.” She was forced to laugh a little as the big dog placed his paws on the chair, and on her stomach, something he hardly ever did, and tried to lick her face.
“Go away, you slime monster.” She pushed him down from the chair, then froze. Scott stood a few yards away. He smiled, his hands in his pockets, but his expression was sad.
“Your dog’s a funny creature. I got slimed as well.”
Vader trotted to him and wagged his tail with enthusiasm.
“I think he’s trying to cheer us up,” she said as she pushed up from the chair and sat on the edge. The furry back of Vader leaned against her legs as the dog sat next to her, muttering.
“I’ve never heard such a vocal dog before. It’s as if he has a lot to say, but just can’t get the words right.”
He strolled to the adjoining chair and sat on the edge of it as well, facing her. He scratched Vader behind his ear and received an ecstatic grunt from the dog.
“I guess me and Vader have something in common. I don’t get the words right most of the time either,” he said, the remorse in his voice clear. “I’m not going to just blurt it out to Joann. That wouldn’t be fair, and would cause her unnecessary pain, but I do think we have to tell her. How about you talk with Eddie and Mary Ann, and explain the situation to them? I think they need to be with us when we tell Joann.”
Janet’s insides twisted in a sickening swirl of nausea. The look in Scott’s eyes and face made her feel his pain, understand his longing, his need to have this opportunity, to have a relationship with his daughter that was based on truth.
A sudden, unexplained peace filled her soul. The time for lies was over. No matter how difficult the next few weeks would turn out to be, the knowledge of not having to lie anymore cleared her mind. A weight lifted from her heart, something she hadn’t even noticed was there. Scott was right. Telling the truth, even though it would hurt, was the right thing to do.
“I will call Eddie, but later. It’s too early in Seattle now.”
“Okay.” Scott’s eyes were fixed on the dog’s content face, his hand rubbing the back of his ears and neck. “I’m sorry I got so mad, Janet.”
“It’s alright.”
“So how are we going to deal with Joann when she comes back?”
“We have to act normal. Can you do that?”
“I’ll try. But I won’t do it for any length of time. This has to be solved, sooner rather than later.”
“It’ll take at least a few days for Eddie and Mary Ann to come over.”
“I know, and I’m willing to wait for a few days, but that’s it. If they don’t turn up, I will tell Joann myself.”
“I suppose you have the right to do that.”
“Yeah, I do. I’m her father.” He stood to go. “I’m tired, Janet. Jet-lagged. I need to rest, but I’ll talk to you later, okay?”
She bowed her head, avoiding his gaze. “Alright.”
* * * *
At nine o’clock in the evening Joann burst into the kitchen, filled with enthusiasm.
“Hi, auntie!” She dropped her backpack on the floor and hurried to the fridge to find a drink, poured some orange juice into a glass and gulped the liquid down in one go. Then she glanced around. “Where’s Scott?”
“He’s writing. How was your day?” Janet kept her eyes on the newspaper she had laid on the table, unable to look Joann in the eye for fear she would instantly pick up that something was wrong.
“We had fun, and found some really cool, derelict buildings to take pictures of. I can’t wait to get them developed.”
“Are you hungry?”
“No, but I’m wrecked. Do you mind if I go to bed?”
“No, go ahead. I was about to retire soon as well.” An internal sigh of relief passed through Janet’s mind. She couldn’t face Joann, not tonight.
Joann gave her a peck on the cheek. “Nighty night, then, auntie.” She was about to leave the kitchen when she stopped and turned. “Did you have a nice day with Scott?”
“Yes, darling, I did. Go to bed.” Janet managed a smile.
“Good,” came the happy reply as the young girl disappeared from the doorway and up to her room.
Janet buried her face in her hands and tried not to cry, but a few tears ran down her cheek. Her stomach tied into a knot. Despite his promise to come and talk with her, Scott had stayed in the cottage for the rest of the day. She interpreted his absence as a hostile opinion, and it hurt.
She took a few deep breaths to calm, then switched the lights off in the kitchen. Instead of going to her bedroom, she fumbled her way in the dark and lay on the couch. She wrapped a blanket around herself and stared into the darkness.
The familiar rustle of Vader’s claws approached the couch, then she felt his furry back lean against the furniture. When she didn’t react to him, the dog shifted his position and placed his head next to her body.
She slid an arm around his neck and held him tight. “Vader, I don’t know what’s going to happen,” she whispered to the dog. “I wish things would go back as they were.” But in her heart she knew she would never want Scott to vanish from her life again.
* * * *
A soft, wet nudge woke her up. For a moment, she didn’t know where she was, then another nudge of the wet nose against her face, followed by a pleading whine, cleared her head.
“Vader, what is it?” she scorned the dog, her voice rough from sleep. “Do you need to go out?”
She pushed up to sit and reached to switch on the small lamp that stood on the side table. Vader’s concerned face stared at her.
“What is it, you silly dog?”
The dog stood, took a few steps toward the front door and looked at her over his shoulder.
“Alright, I’ll let you out. Just let me find my slippers.” The room was cool, so she wrapped the blanket around her, thinking it was time to start lighting a fire in the evenings, to warm the house a little.
The dog paced restlessly by the door, anxious to get out. She opened the front door, but instead of his usual mad dash to go for a pee, Vader stopped at the steps and looked up into her eyes, as if throwing her a challenge. His body was rigid, his ears pricked up.
“Go and take a leak, Vader, and let me get back to sleep,” Janet moaned, now annoyed with the dog. She shivered in the cool misty air that flowed in through the open door.
Vader’s head turned slightly, his gaze fixed at the corner of the house, then he returned his intense eyes to hers.
“Go! Or I’ll leave you outside.”
He took a few steps toward the corner, then returned and released a muffled bark. The odd behavior of the dog suddenly startled her. It looked like he was trying to make her follow.
“What is it?” she said in a frustrated tone, only to make the dog bark once more. “Okay, okay. Show me then.” Then she halted. “Or wait, I need a torch.”
After fetching the hand held light, she closed the door behind her and followed the dog. Vader shot into the darkness, toward the cottage.
An uneasy feeling stirred her guts and she stopped. The lights in the cottage were off. She shone the torch along the path but couldn’t see Vader, or anything else, only a stretch of the worn walkway ahead.
She hesitated. Why would the dog want her to follow him to the cottage? She laughed quietly as she turned to go back into the main house. That silly dog, he wanted to go and stay with his new friend.
She had time to take just two steps when the furry flash of Vader shot past her, swerved around and came to a halt in front of her. His body was tense, his ears up. He cocked his head and whined, then walked past her, up toward the small house, so that his body brushed against her legs.
Puzzled by his strange behavior, she turned and followed him, deciding that she would just peek through the window once she got to the house. There was no point in waking Scott up just to tell him his new friend wanted to spend the night.
She reached the front door of the house, and shone the light on Vader, who stood still, his head angled, eyes on the lower edge of the door, the end of his tail only just wagging. His large ears were pricked rigidly.
Tiredness overwhelmed her as her temper flared. Much as she loved her dog, his current behavior really annoyed her.
“You stupid mutt. Next time I will leave you outdoors.” She turned and wrapped the warm cardigan she’d taken from the main house's clothes rack tighter around her body.
A sound that echoed from inside the cottage brought her to an abrupt halt. She froze in an instant terror. It was unnatural, filled with such horror and pain her body lost all its strength. She gasped for air and leaned against the cold wall. The dog sat next to her, his ears now flat on his head, his face filled with a forlorn look.
Pure, raw fear filled her soul. If what Scott had said, that his dreams made him act violently, was true, what was she to do?
There was no way she could leave him crying, facing that kind of horror alone. The scream—no it wasn’t even a scream—the sound that came from him was terrifying, steeped with such agony her heart and soul ached for his pain.
She tried the door. The handle turned. It wasn’t locked. She tiptoed inside, leaving Vader outside. She didn’t want him to bounce on Scott.
The room was small, and the bed placed at the other end, but she knew her way in the dark. There was only a small table by the window, and a cabinet on the opposite wall.
She heard Scott on the bed, now restless and moaning, thrashing in the grips of his horrifying ordeal. She couldn’t even think how terrible it must be, to be a prisoner of such memories. She made her way to the bed and shone the light on him. His body was curled up in a fetal position, his hands and arms shielding his head.
Shudders passed through him as he whimpered, shielding himself against the ghosts of his past.
“Please, don’t…please. Let me out of here, please…” His breath was labored, sweat glistened on his forehead and back.
A shock ran through her soul at his next words.
“Please, Janet, help me…”
Unsure of what to do, of how to deal with this situation he had warned could turn dangerous, she stood next to the bed for a while. A million thoughts, ideas, milled in her mind, but his words, his quiet pleas that were pointed at her, made her make up her mind.
She couldn’t stand to let him suffer so much, she couldn’t stand to hear him repeat her name over and over again in the frozen terror of the nightmare.
She sat on the edge of the bed and spoke softly, placing her hand on his burning skin. “Scott, wake up. I’m right here.”
She wasn’t prepared for his reaction. His body uncoiled like a snake, his eyes flew wide open and he charged up with raging madness firing in his gaze.
“Die, you fuckers!” He grabbed her arms, violently pushed her onto the bed, and raised his fist, ready to deal a lethal blow, to kill her.
“Scott, it’s me, Janet!” she screamed as loud as she could, trying to raise her hands in defense. She closed her eyes in terror, waiting for the blow to land on her face.
Nothing happened.
She opened her eyes again. The torch that had dropped on the bed shone its light in the room. Scott hovered above her, leaning on his arms, his confused, glazed gaze fixed on her face.
“Janet…?” he whispered.
“Yes. It’s me, Janet. You’re safe.”
“You came to rescue me?”
Unsure if he was awake or still in the grips of the dream, she replied, “Yes, Scott. I’m here to rescue you.”
Slowly he sank next to her on the bed, placed his right arm over her, and secured a tight hold on her body. He curled up against her side. “Please, don’t let them near me anymore. I can’t take it…it hurts…don’t let them find me anymore…”
His strong hold prevented her moving, but she was just able to reach the corner of the blanket that he had thrashed to the side of the bed. She pulled it over both of them, and stroked his hair with her free hand.
“You’re safe. No one’s going to get you anymore.”
His grip on her tightened as he pressed his face against her body and moved his right leg over hers, completely trapping her in the bed. He mumbled something in his sleep, then sighed deeply and relaxed.
She had no other choice than to curl up next to him, as his grip on her didn’t allow her to move.