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Thursday morning dawned clear and sunny, the air fresh and revitalizing. I woke up to a phone call from Allison.
“Hi. Did I wake you?” Her voice sounded soft and subdued.
I roused myself at the sound of her, my lovely wife. “No, no. I had to get up any way. Are you OK? Is the baby OK?”
“Yeah, we’re both fine. Actually, the baby’s been moving a lot the past few days. I ... I just wished that you were here to feel it. It’s pretty exciting.” Suddenly she broke into quiet crying.
My heart was about to burst. Our little baby was a real person, moving around in its dark little sea of life! I wanted to jump into the car and race to Allison. Put my arms around her and comfort her. Put my hands on her belly and feel our child. Our miracle.
“Allison, why not just tell me where you are? I’ll come right over and we’ll settle everything. Please, hon. I really want to be there for you and our baby. Please.”
She hesitated, which seemed to me to be a very good sign. “Just a minute, Donny.” I heard her politely blow her nose away from the phone receiver. She always had good manners. “Well, I don’t know what’s going to happen with us, Donny, but I do want to see you. I’ve missed you so much.” And she burst into tears again.
I spent a few more minutes trying to comfort her over the phone. It was an intensely frustrating and disturbing experience, as anyone who has ever tried to do it will attest. When she had gained some calm, she agreed that we could meet for breakfast at the Golden Griddle Pancake House near our home in thirty minutes.
I was elated. Things were looking up. I shaved carefully. Truth be told, I had kind of let myself go the past few days. The only clean shirt that I had left to wear was a sky-blue dress shirt. Then I couldn’t wear jeans, so, by the time I had finished getting dressed, I looked like I was going to a job interview. It occurred to me that Allison might be pleased, flattered, that I had gone to this trouble to look good for her. Yes, things were looking up.
I waited anxiously at the restaurant, scanning the parking lot for any sign of Allison’s ancient little car. This parking lot was poorly designed—a dangerous place—and I hoped that she wouldn’t find some old dolt in a massive sedan backing up into her car. I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw her safely pull into a parking spot by the windows.
It was shocking to see Allison hauling herself out of the car. She was wearing baggy old sweat pants and a faded t-shirt that stretched across her belly. Her stomach had grown by inches since she’d left me. She looked exhausted and pale. I felt a flutter of fear for her health.
Allison smiled weakly at me as she came in, but I saw a flicker of something in her face when she saw my snazzy clothes.
“Wow, you look great, Donny. Are you going to a meeting or something?”
“No, just to meet with you.” When I said that, her eyes quickly filled with tears. She ducked her head down, blindly searching for a tissue in her purse, clearly embarrassed by her emotions.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” she snuffled. “I’m such a waterworks these days. Guess it’s the hormones. And everything that’s been going on with us. I should have dressed up a bit more, I guess. I just, I just didn’t have any clean clothes!” And her sobbing went into second gear. She desperately tried to disguise her state from the rest of the restaurant patrons by throwing a menu up in front of her face.
“Hey, same here! I mean, once I was dressed up, I was glad, honey, but initially I was just going to wear regular clothes.”
The shaking menu was beginning to settle. “Really? You’re not just saying that to make me feel better?” She hiccupped the words a bit.
Under her menu I passed her some napkins from the dispenser. “Really. Hey, it doesn’t matter what we’re wearing, right? What matters is that I love you, and you love me, and we’re going to bring a new little person into this world. And it’s going to be great. We’re going to be great. Okay?” I held my breath, waiting for her response. I had taken a big risk throwing all of that at her. What if she calmed down enough to remember that she hated me?
The menu came down, but she didn’t meet my eyes. “Well, let’s eat something, and then we’ll talk. But maybe in the car, because I don’t want to cry in front of strangers anymore. It’s humiliating. I’m like a bloody tear machine these days.” She half-grinned at her own predicament.
For a woman who seemed to be in the throes of an emotional catastrophe, Allison sure could eat. She packed away the biggest breakfast combo they had and downed two large glasses of O.J. The food seemed to finally calm her down. By the last bite of toast, she was looking me in the eye and even smiling a little.
“Should we split the bill? This is so weird. We’ve been eating together for years, but I haven’t had to think about this stuff—it’s kind of like dating again, only in reverse.” At that thought, we both sank a bit.
I roused myself. “Honey, like you’ve always said, It ain’t over till the fat lady sings!”
Allison smiled with half of her mouth. “I guess I’m the fat lady these days.”
“You’re the beautiful lady these days,” I said. And I meant it.
I paid for the meal and we headed out to the cars for the big talk. I felt my hopefulness draining away. I understood what Allison needed from me, and I desperately wanted to deliver, but what could I honestly say had changed in the past week or two? What could I offer her in these negotiations?
When Allison suggested that we talk in her Civic, I agreed, but when I saw her trying to squeeze her big stomach in behind the wheel, I was alarmed.
“Allison, you can’t drive around in this old car anymore. Look, your poor stomach can’t even fit in there. The baby will be squashed. And Heaven help you in an accident. So, you take my car. We’ll trade, OK?”
Allison looked relieved and grateful. “Thanks. Are you sure that you don’t mind taking this one to work? It’s not as dependable. And it’s shabby-looking.”
I felt shame. “I’m a selfish idiot, Allison. You should never have been driving around in this old thing. I should have insisted that you take the newer car, right from the start.”
Allison looked at me with some pity and understanding in her eyes. “It’s OK, Donny. Really. I always liked this car. It’s got a lot more going for it than most people would realize. I was just glad to have a car.” And that was Allison in a nutshell, I thought. She saw the value in people that others might miss, and she was just happy to have a relationship with someone.
She saw something worth loving in me. She was just happy to have me.
That thought made me feel very blue and very lucky.
