“I owe you an explanation.”
Julian looked up from the newspaper he had purchased during their visit to Burton and saw Caroline standing in the doorway of his study. He rose and offered her a seat. She sat on the edge of the chair, hands clasped. Her posture was stiff and unsure, the same as it had been since the moment James and his friends had met them at the market.
“You may have guessed that I was not happy to see Mister Walters today. As I said, I had hoped to avoid him, but poor James was excited for you to meet his friends,” she said.
Julian had done his best to absorb the news in the three-day-old London newspaper, but he had found it impossible to focus. The hungry look which had sat on Walters’ face, coupled with Smith’s outright rudeness when they met Caroline, concentrated much of his mind.
“I took it, from your reaction, that you hold the same opinion of him as you did the first night we met. You are not his lady. He, however, does not appear to have got that message,” he replied. His words, while calmly spoken, belied the green edge of jealousy he still felt over the gentleman in question.
Caroline nodded. “I would like for you and I to be honest with one another. We have done much to reframe our relationship, and I wish very much to continue in that vein. I think it only fair then that I tell you that Mister Walters asked my father for my hand in marriage a matter of weeks ago. Papa told him no.”
One of the myriads of questions which had been rolling around Julian’s head all afternoon was the exact nature of the relationship between Caroline and Walters. Her words did little to calm his mind.
“While it explains your comments in the carriage, about not everyone being friends with Radley’s chums, it doesn’t excuse your cousin’s behavior. It was thoughtless and cruel of him to bring Walters and Smith to meet with you,” replied Julian. He would be having stern words with James Radley once he returned to Newhall. Fancy exposing her to a jilted suitor in the middle of a public square. The man was a dolt.
“James is unaware of the situation with Mister Walters. Turning down a marriage proposal is not exactly something that one makes public,” she said.
“But from the way his friend looked at you, I would suggest Mister Smith was well aware of the nature of your connection?” replied Julian.
The half-hearted smile she gave him in return confirmed his suspicions.
“I did nothing to encourage Mister Walters affections. I offered him some kindness over a private matter, after which he convinced himself that he was in love with me. And yes, I expect Mister Smith does not hold me in any favorable regard, having caused his friend such pain,” she added.
“To be honest, I saw several expressions on Mister Walters’ face which I also witnessed on Harry Menzies’s countenance when he was here. If there is one thing you can claim as your own, Caroline, it is that you have an effect on men. Whether you or they like it or not,” he replied.
As soon as he spoke the words, Julian regretted them. He had been trying to offer her his support and tell her that it was not her fault. Instead, all he had managed to do was mangle his words and insult her.
Caroline slowly rose from the chair, and walked toward the door. As she reached for the handle, she stopped and turned to him. Julian’s heart sank as he saw the tears shining in her eyes.
“So, like everyone else, you think I am a tease? Thank you for at least clearing up that misconception for me. I had thought that since you were my friend, you might try to understand. Perhaps it would have been better if I had gone with James. At least I know where I stand with the likes of Mister Walters. Excuse me, Lord Newhall.”
Caroline closed the door softly behind her, but the click of the latch echoed loudly in Julian’s brain.
He got to his feet, intending to follow her, but as his fingers touched the doorknob, he stopped. He should run after her and offer up pleas of apology, but she had been right. He didn’t like the effect she had on other men.
There were too many males in Caroline’s life for Julian’s liking. He faced a painful decision. Could he offer himself up to a life of forever being jealous?
Caroline avoided all company for the rest of the afternoon and took her supper in her room. She wrote a long letter to William and another one to her mother. With Francis now en route to London, they would know the situation regarding Harry by the time they received her letters.
To Adelaide, she restated her promise to change her ways. The members of her cluster of admirers would be encouraged to find other young ladies to focus their attentions upon. Flowers, gifts, and unannounced visits to her family home would no longer be welcome. If she wanted society to treat her differently, it would have to begin with her own behavior.
To Will, she confirmed his words about Julian Palmer. He was not the brute she had claimed him to be. In fact, he was quite a pleasant man. Her brother would be pleased to know that she and Lord Newhall had become friends.
She put the pen back into the inkwell. It was odd to read the words, let alone write them. Julian was no longer her enemy, but after their earlier conversation, she was not sure if he was, indeed, her friend either. A friend would not think, let alone say, such a thing.
Yet he was right. She had acted the tease with men, especially those she felt she could safely manage. Slowly at first, but then, over time, she had become cold and calculating in her dealings with her cluster of suitors. Eventually becoming someone, she no longer recognized.
It hurt to look into her own heart and know she was an unlikeable person. Her beauty, at times, was only skin-deep.
“I don’t even like me,” she muttered.
How then could she expect Julian to like her? She should not care; there were many more men who would take his place if he didn’t want her. But she did care what he thought of her, and it was deeper than a simple desire for him to like her. Because if Julian Palmer could not see that there was more to her than just her looks, how could he ever love her?
“Come now, Caroline. You have to find a way.”
Both of her married siblings had fought back from loss to find love and happiness, so she knew it was possible. Will had found love again after the death of his first wife, while her sister, Eve, had succeeded in securing love after suffering a cruel heartbreak.
Her brother had of course been right; you never did know when love would find you. Or what you would do when it did.
She picked up the pen and set it back onto her letter to Will. Tomorrow was a new day, and with it came the hope that she could find her way into Julian’s heart.
To make him see that she was someone worthy of his love.