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Amanda headed back to Newark a few days later, after a fun-filled few days of wedding planning, cooking, and chit chat on the back porch. Lola was amazed at how upbeat Susan was throughout Amanda’s time with them. When she remarked on this to Christine, she said one thing: “She would do anything for that girl.” And it was true. Susan’s love for Amanda was one of the brightest lights Lola had ever seen. The girls were remarkably the same. Lola even noticed similarities between Susan and Lola’s relationship and Amanda and Audrey’s relationship, since both girls were so much like their mothers. The only difference, Lola supposed, was that Audrey and Amanda seemed to hardly fight about anything. That was the thing about growing up with someone. You always found a reason to fight.
The day of Amanda’s departure, Audrey had an ultrasound scheduled at the local clinic. At first, Audrey had been a bit cagey about the whole thing, clearly unsure if she wanted to invite Lola along. But since she was only nineteen, there was a glimmer of fear in her eyes. A few minutes before she planned to leave, she asked Lola if she minded tagging along. Of course, Lola was already dressed and prepared. She wouldn’t have missed it for the world.
In the waiting room, Lola watched as Audrey flicked nervously through her phone. They were about fifteen minutes early, due to both of their nerves, and there wasn’t much to say. Lola had a magazine on her lap, but she hardly glanced at it. She liked the weight of it there. It reminded her of more normal things.
Audrey lifted her phone to her mother. Her eyes were tentative, but her words had that same harder edge, proof of some kind of confidence she wanted to project to the world.
“I guess I never showed you the guy,” Audrey said.
“Oh. Right.”
It wasn’t that Lola hadn’t been curious about who the father was. Audrey had been really cagey about that, too—saying that he was just some other journalist based in Chicago, that she had thought he was more serious about her than he was, that he wanted nothing to do with the pregnancy.
Now, she blinked down at the face of her grandchild’s father. His name was Max Gray, and he was handsome—just as good looking as Audrey’s father had been, or maybe even more. In the photo, he stood at the edge of a sailboat with his black hair glowing gently in the breeze. His smile was stellar, the kind of thing reserved for toothbrush commercials.
“Phew,” Lola said.
“I know, right?” Audrey said. She gave a tiny smile, then shrugged. “I guess if my baby looks even a little bit like him, then I’ve done okay for the world.”
“Maybe he or she will make you millions in baby modeling,” Lola returned.
“Ha. I would never!” Audrey said. “I guess it’s up to Christine, though.”
“Maybe she’ll turn your baby into a mega child star,” Lola joked. “The next Mary Kate Olsen.”
Audrey groaned. “Don’t joke about that, Mom. The Olsen twins are messed up enough as it is.”
Lola followed Audrey into the technician’s room and watched as she lifted up her shirt to find that flat belly. The technician squirted goop across it then smeared it around with the scanner; her face turned toward the screen above all of them.
“There he or she is,” the technician said, giving Audrey a big smile. “Everything looks like it’s right on schedule. You’re just about two months along.”
“Only seven more to go!” Audrey said ironically as she stared at the ceiling.
“I promise you. It’ll feel like the longest journey of your life. But you’ll miss it when it’s over,” the technician said. “What do you think, Mom?”
Lola realized that she spoke to her this time. She looked up, surprised to be included, and said, “Oh? Yes. It’s weird the things you miss. Not the swelling ankles, no, but the feeling of expectation. Of hope.”
“Did you lose all hope when I entered the world?” Audrey said. “Or just when I slept with a guy I barely knew and got pregnant.”
The technician laughed nervously. Lola rolled her eyes.
“Don’t mind her. She just likes to make people anxious,” Lola told the technician, giving her a feigned smile.
“It’s going to be part of my top skills as a journalist,” Audrey affirmed. “All my questions will be answered because they’ll be too nervous not to answer them.”
The technician finished up her scan and jotted down several notes. As Lola sat, watching, she was overwhelmed with the memory of the days when she had done this very thing. She had been the same age, with the same looks and a bit of the same spitfire sense of humor, although she thought Audrey was maybe a bit more sarcastic than she had been. She hadn’t had many people in the city yet, and she’d dragged a brand new girlfriend along with her to the clinic. They had gone to a fast-food restaurant afterward and drank milkshakes. Lola had mostly cried into hers and wondered what the hell she was going to do, how she was going to support the baby. Although she felt pretty sure the friend hadn’t had a clue how she would do it, either, she’d said all the right things. Lola had gotten through it in one piece as had Audrey.
After Audrey’s appointment finished, they wandered out into the bright sunshine. The clinic was on the eastern edge of Oak Bluffs, near the long stretch of Joseph Sylvia State Beach. There was a little restaurant situated near the water, in full view of the glowing white sands and gorgeous blue waves. Audrey’s stomach grumbled on cue. “I think we’re both hungry,” she said, grinning wildly.
Audrey and Lola were seated on one of the tables with white tablecloths, which were situated out on a dock overlooking the blue ocean. They ordered waters and fresh-squeezed lemonade. Lola watched Audrey scan the menu, her upper teeth caught over her lower lip. This had been the way she had always studied things with intense concentration, ever since she had been a little girl. It was funny that this tick had remained, although Lola would have never told her. She knew she had to treat Audrey with complete adult respect now. It would be a struggle, but she had to do it.
Lola ordered a salad, while Audrey ordered both a salad and a grilled cheese sandwich. They passed the menus back to the waiter and then blinked at each other in silence for a moment. It was almost a war. Who would decide what to say first?
Ultimately, it was Audrey.
“You never talk about my dad,” she finally said.
Lola’s lips parted. After a strange pause, she said, “Is that the only reason you showed me, Max? Because you wanted to know more about your father?”
Audrey shrugged. “A kind of courtesy, I guess. I give you my truth; you give me yours. Well, in this case, it’s ours. I’m fifty percent of him.”
“Only in DNA. I would say you’re mostly me in all other ways,” Lola affirmed, leaning back in her chair. She’d always known this day would come and it was one topic she knew she couldn’t get out of.
The salads finally arrived. Lola grimaced and slotted her fork through a few shreds of spinach and, without looking at her daughter, said, “What do you want to know?”
“How did you meet him?” Audrey asked. “What did you like to do together? Why didn’t he stay? That kind of stuff.”
“Full range, I guess,” Lola returned.
“You’re a storyteller. I’m a storyteller. I guess it makes sense that I would want to know it all,” Audrey said.
“Well, I can tell you that he was very nearly as handsome as your Max,” Lola began. “So, I get the appeal of that. Hmm. What else? He was a writer. He loved to read. His book collection was extensive, but he just kind of stacked them all in the corner of the bedroom in this apartment he shared with five other guys. Oh! He was in a band.”
“What did he play?” Audrey asked as she reached for the salt shaker.
“He played the bass,” Lola said contemplatively. She remembered the way Timothy always furrowed his brow, in utter concentration as he played.
Now that she thought about it, he actually used to bite his lip just the way Audrey did now.
“How much do you remember about him?” Lola asked. “He left when you were four.”
“Barely anything,” Audrey said with a sigh. “I remember that he smoked cigarettes. He always stood on the back porch to smoke. I hated the smell. But I liked watching him in the darkness.” She ended it with a shrug, as though what she’d said was no addition to the conversation at all.
But Lola could see the very image Audrey spoke of.
She could see Audrey there, four years old, a teddy bear pressed against her chest. She could see her watching her father outside, hoping and praying that he would return inside to pay attention to her, to play with her. When Timothy had left, Lola had demanded of him what she should tell Audrey when she got older. “How can I possibly explain to her that you left? How can I tell her that your only daughter wasn’t enough to keep you here?”
Timothy had only cast his eyes to the ground. He hadn’t been able to look at her. He had finally shrugged and walked off. He had taken his bass and left most of his books. A number of them still remained at Lola’s residence in Boston. They still smelled vaguely of cigarettes. He had always said that he liked to smoke and read at the same time.
“Were you sad you had to raise me without him?” Audrey said, suddenly not breaking eye contact with her mother.
This felt like a very loaded question. Lola knew that it was about so much more than just herself and Timothy. It was about Max, too.
“No,” she returned as she pushed her food around on her plate with her fork. “When he left, I realized how little he fit in with us. I knew that it would just be the two of us for a long time. And I was all right with that.”
“But you must think about having someone longer term, now,” Audrey returned. “Especially now that Christine and Susan are with Zach and Scott.”
Again, Lola’s mind trickled toward Tommy Gasbarro, that mysterious sailor. Her heart pumped with intrigue.
“To be honest with you, if love happens, it will be a blessing. If it doesn’t, I still have enough blessings to last me the rest of my life,” Lola returned with a smile. “You’re the greatest gift of my life. Now, I have my sisters back; I’m getting to know my father again; I love my writing and I’m going to be a grandmother.”
“What about Colin?” Audrey interjected. Speaking again of the editor, whom Lola had dated briefly ten years before.
“What are you talking about?”
“The way he looks at you,” Audrey began with a shrug. “I’m sure if you asked him to move to Martha’s Vineyard, he would consider it. I think he’s loved you for years.”
Lola marveled at her daughter’s ability to see the inner workings of her life. She was so dumbstruck that Audrey giggled.
“Then I guess I’m correct,” she said.
“Don’t be such a smarty pants. It’s not a good look,” Lola said, rolling her eyes.
Audrey’s grilled cheese arrived. The moment the sandwich was placed between them, Lola’s stomach grumbled. Audrey formed a funny grin.
“I have a hunch one of us is regretting her salad decision?”
“Only one of us is eating for two, missy,” Lola said. “Don’t tempt me with all that cheese. It’ll go straight to my thighs.”
“Mmmm,” Audrey said, digging into her gooey sandwich.
Lola scrunched her nose. After a long, dramatic pause, she quickly reached over, grabbed one of the halves, and took a big, cheesy bite.
“Hey!” Audrey cried as she playfully slapped her mother’s hand away.
“Come on. I gave birth to you. I’m still collecting tax,” Lola said, her mouth filled with brie.