This is probably the most unpleasant monster you can hope to meet. Of course, if you are silly enough to hope to meet one, they will stay right away from you, because saltwater warthogs are the most unobliging monsters known to science. They lie, they cheat, they smell of dead seaweed that has been left in a bucket, they are incredibly ugly, and they snicker about you behind your back. They leave gates and doors open, they leave the refrigerator open at night. They eat the last of the soap in the bathroom, and say nothing about it.

They are completely dishonest. Saltwater warthogs don’t come from saltwater, and they don’t even live in water, because they are desert animals. They aren’t warthogs either, so how’s that for lying? They cheat at hide-and-seek, they take more than their fair share of the food, and they never do their chores. They have no hands, but they have a long tentacle on top of their heads that is fitted with a sucker, that they use to take food and soap. Never ask one to lend you a hand, because that will start the nasty beast snickering.

The good thing is that they smell so bad, grownups will chase them out of the house as soon as they get close. Some people think they eat soap because they hope it will clean them, others think they eat the soap so they can foam at the mouth. The rest of us just think they are very silly monsters.

On three occasions, monster circuses have been founded, using giant hoop snakes to mark out the three rings, underbed lions in the lion-taming, and so on. In each case, the circus failed because the customers could not stand the saltwater warthogs.

ORIGINS: Intensive searching around the world has failed to find any country willing to own up to being the original home of this rare monster. They may eat soap, but they do not appear to be related to the soap slurper.

SIZE: About as big as a medium sized dog (if you leave out the long tentacle thing on their head). The tentacles are between 2 and 3 metres long, but coil down into a neat beehive shape.

UNUSUAL THINGS: The tentacle and the smell. Mainly the smell; yes, definitely the smell.

IS A THREAT TO: Piano tunas, which they rarely manage to catch, because piano tunas have a very good sense of smell, not that it needs to be that good.

USES: If you are really ugly, keep a saltwater warthog as a pet. It won’t actually make you look better by comparison, but it will keep people so far away that they will have no idea what you look like.

HATES: Clean teeth; the smell of toothpaste; happy people and smiles. Long-haired cats and dogs, which they sneak up on, so they can get their hair in tangles. They really don’t like green rabbits which are misled by the smell into chomping them. They really hate people laughing at them. Doesn’t every monster? Actually, the main problem with what saltwater warthogs hate is the risk of running out of paper to write it down. They hate the food they eat and where they have to sleep, which is a long way from anybody else.

LIKES: Soap, other saltwater warthogs, as nothing else is prepared to be liked by them, except maybe the bucket bogles. Bucket bogles don’t really like them either, but if they hang out with saltwater warthogs, nobody notices their bad breath. Saltwater warthogs like puns, but nobody realises this because they don’t stay within sniffing or hearing distance. This is why they like people with very bad colds and people who work in smelly industries, because while these people will eventually smell them, the saltwater warthogs have a chance to get some sleep.

This monster is easily recognised by the way it snickers. If you think you can see one, look for the tentacle on top of the head, and sniff for the terrible smell. You don’t need anything else. Perhaps a gas mask.