The invisigoths should not be confused with the visigoths, who use only bright colours in their clothing. They are the same species, but they separated hundreds of years ago to make two tribes with completely different habits and tastes. When the visigoths sacked Rome, the invisigoths came along with bags and took all the best of the loot, and the visigoths still haven’t forgiven them. You won’t find it mentioned in the history books though, because nobody saw the invisigoths. The visigoths say that what matters is that they never saw any of the good loot.

They are nomadic monsters, expert in the art of camouflage and they live on roast underbed bear. You won’t ever see them, but the tribe can be detected by the faint aroma of roast bear haunch, or the crunch of bear bones in the teeth of the invisigoths. You won’t ever hear the invisigoths walking, though, because the invisigoths wear silent boots, unlike their underbed bears, which are very noisy.

Their custom of eating bears began long ago, when their chieftain, Obesius Magnus, was told to lose weight. ‘Just eat the bare essentials,’ said the doctor. Guess what? Obesius got it wrong, though he claimed it was because he had been keeping an ear to the ground and his ear was full of mud.

Wild underbed bears are now a thing of the past, but the invisigoths have their own domesticated bear herds, which they feed on breadcrumbs, carried along in small wheelbarrows. You can see where the invisigoths have been by the lines of birds eating the spilt crumbs, but if you happen to see Hansel and Gretel, you are in the wrong story. Go back the way you came, and do not eat any houses you pass.

On the way, if you see a little girl in a red riding hood, tell her to get her eyes checked. I mean, who would ever be fooled by a wolf in grandma clothing?

ORIGINS: Most people think that the invisigoths are just shy visigoths, but those people have never seen an invisigoth. Neither have I, so what would I know? According to the invisigoths, they come from the little-known country of Cold Urticaria, where they used to live in tastefully renovated beehives.

SIZE: Small enough to walk over your bed at night without you feeling them, but there is no need to worry: they are only there looking for fallen branches to make a fire to roast underbed bears.

UNUSUAL THINGS: Invisigoths love skiing, which shows that they are not very clever. Think about it: messing around on slippery slopes where people are going really fast—and you are almost invisible! It’s just as well for them that gutter otters don’t ski!

IS A THREAT TO: Pudding monsters which they like to stalk and catch on steep hills. They cram the pudding monsters into small barrels and roll them down hills. You can ask them why they do this if you can find some, but they won’t tell you.

USES: They are really useful for getting rid of pudding monsters, unless you live at the bottom of a hill. If you get them tamed and trained, you can get them to lie over the mess in your house, which makes it disappear when snooty neighbours and relatives come to visit. They can even cover you, like a cloak of invisibility when great aunts with loud voices come to visit and want to smooch you. They are the only monsters worth asking if you need a name for an unusual shade of beige.

HATES: Bright colours, low-flying St Bernard’s carrier pigeons, eating with molar moles.

LIKES: They really like pink elephants because they are the only other living things that can see them, and so the only monsters that do not tread on them. Also, the pink elephants help them haul their ski gear. Nobody knows why, but invisigoths really like climbing trees. Perhaps they do it to escape being trodden on by anybody who can’t see them. They really enjoy inventing new shades of beige and naming them. The last time they checked, they had 53 tins of beige paint with distinct names.

This monster is the one that you hardly ever see, because it is an expert in camouflage. It looks like something. Probably. I think. Maybe.