Hannah was thrilled that Emma and Eli had a small, wonderfully loving wedding, but she couldn’t help feeling relieved that the reception didn’t extend to a second meal and activities like so many Amish weddings.
She didn’t think she could have pretended nothing was wrong for much longer. Her face ached from smiling and her head throbbed. She hadn’t been able to eat much, so her stomach was beginning to feel empty. But she couldn’t very well fix herself a plate now that the food had been put away and dishes were being washed.
So she carried dirty dishes into the kitchen and tried to avoid Gideon, who was carrying church benches out to the wagon.
It appeared that was fine with Gideon. He was avoiding being close to her as well. And that wasn’t easy. As newehockers their duties included helping clean up after the reception and restoring order to the house.
Leah had taken on the burden of cooking much of the food and babysitting John while Emma and Hannah dressed, so Hannah had tried to persuade her to rest after guests left.
“I’m not tired,” Leah said.
“John is,” Hannah told her. “Maybe you could take him upstairs and get him to take a nap.”
“Well, I guess I could lie down for a little while so he takes a nap.” Leah carried him off to the dawdi haus and shut the door behind them.
Eli and Emma had been shooed off, told they were not allowed to help with the cleaning up, and so they’d gone for a long walk, just the two of them. Hannah wondered if they would take a walk down to the pond…
She hoped if they went down to the pond they wouldn’t end up having a disagreement and have Eli landing in the pond like his bruder.
A pang of guilt hit her as she remembered accidentally knocking Gideon into the pond. She felt herself blush as she carried dishes to the kitchen.
Gideon walked past her with the folding table and the moment their gazes met he looked away. Hannah handed the dirty dishes to Ruby, who was standing at the sink, and hurried back for more before he returned.
“Well, this is the last of them,” she said when she returned with more dishes.
“Everything allrecht?” Ruby asked as she put them in the soapy dishwater.
“Ya, why?”
Ruby glanced at Gideon as he hurried back to get the other table. Then she looked directly at Hannah. “Just feels a little chilly in here.”
Some people saw just too much.
“Shall I fetch your shawl?” Hannah enquired politely.
“Nee. Don’t think that would help,” Ruby said giving her a bland look as she rinsed a dish and passed it to Hannah.
Ruby had always been an inquisitive woman. Well, downright nosy, Hannah thought, and then chided herself for her uncharitable thought.
Once the dishes and cups were dried and put away Hannah went into the living room. The tables and benches were all gone, so she got the broom from the kitchen storage closet and swept up.
That task completed, she looked around for something else to do and found nothing. Just then Gideon came in, and they stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.
“Looks like everything’s done,” he said.
She nodded.
“Nice wedding.”
“Ya. It was.” Wow, that’s all you can think to say? she asked herself.
“Guess I’ll change and go out to the barn and see what needs doing. Give Eli a break for the rest of the day.”
They both knew it was early for evening chores.
He walked toward the downstairs bedroom, and she realized that he’d probably moved his things from his upstairs bedroom to give Eli and Emma privacy.
He’d always been a nice guy, she mused. Just so…stubborn.
Well, she’d done her duty and now she could go home, and check in with her schweschder Linda, who’d agreed to work at the quilt shop that day for her. She said goodbye to Ruby and walked out to the barn for her buggy.
That meant she had to walk inside the building to get Daisy and see Gideon one more time.
She entered the barn to find that Daisy and Gideon had their heads together. Hannah sighed. Her horse was a shameless flirt and loved Gideon. He always spoiled her with a piece of apple or a carrot when he saw her, and so he was a favorite of hers.
“Traitor,” she muttered under her breath.
Gideon turned when he heard her walking inside.
“I’m leaving now.”
“Sorry, Daisy,” Gideon said as he gave her nose a last caress with his broad hand. “Been nice talking to you, sweet girl.”
Hannah shivered in spite of herself, watching him touch her horse with such love and care. She would not think about how it felt to have his hands touch her cheek, or his arms wrapped around her waist.
He opened the stall door and began leading the adoring Daisy to the buggy outside. “I’ll hitch her up.”
“I can do it.”
He ignored her and did the chore himself, and gave Daisy a last pat. Then he turned to her. “Hannah—”
“I have to go. I have to call Linda and check with her,” she said and quickly climbed into the buggy. “Danki for helping with Daisy.” She avoided looking at him and guided the buggy down the drive and after checking traffic, onto the road.
She wouldn’t look back. She wouldn’t.
But as she started home she realized she was too restless, too unsettled, to go straight there. So she took a leisurely ride and enjoyed the first unstructured time to herself she’d had in a long time.
The day was sunny, warm but not too warm, and she enjoyed the breeze that floated into the buggy.
Farmers worked their fields. When it came time for harvest she’d spend time helping her mudder clean and can fruit and vegetables. There’d be no time for a ride like this, so she was determined to enjoy it.
Thoughts of what happened after the harvest intruded unpleasantly. There would be weddings. So many weddings. And she would be attending them as she had today and not planning one for herself as she’d hoped.
She’d sat and listened to the vows Emma and Eli had spoken today, knew them by heart from attending so many weddings that they were burned onto her memory.
She’d wanted to say them to Gideon.
Now she sat here feeling like always a maed vun ehr not a braut.
She burst into tears.
* * *
Gideon walked back into the barn and leaned on Ned’s stall. “She’s still mad at me.”
Ned snorted and nodded his head.
“Ya, women,” he agreed. “She wouldn’t look at me all day.”
He went about the work of feeding and watering the horses and then, with nothing else to do, walked out of the barn and shut the door.
Some evenings he sat in the kitchen and worked on carving a toy or in the living room reading The Budget newspaper or a book. But he wanted Eli and Emma to feel like this was their house now, so he poured himself a cup of coffee and went to his new bedroom.
He sat on the bed and glanced around the small space. He supposed he could make it feel more like his own by taking his books and other things from the boxes he’d packed them in to carry down here.
But not tonight. He was tired from all the work of the wedding and he felt strangely emotional. He’d set a book out on the nightstand earlier but he didn’t feel like reading like he always did before bed.
He’d attended many weddings, but this one had touched him in unexpected ways. He was only minutes older than Eli, but Gideon had always felt like his older bruder. And often Eli had resented him for treating him like his younger bruder. Well, in his defense Gideon felt Eli had sometimes acted like he was much younger. Eli didn’t take things as seriously and he’d been careless with Emma and caused her so much grief.
But he was proud of Eli now, and he knew he couldn’t treat him like the irresponsible bruder anymore the way he had for a time.
They didn’t often talk about the way they were closer than he knew other males were with their bruders. His mudder called it their twin bond—they’d known what the other thought and felt without speaking. Today he’d felt the joy Eli felt as he walked to Elmer to get married.
And then Eli had looked at Emma, and Gideon had felt something move in him knowing that now Eli would share his thoughts and feelings with her—as he should. It was both a loss and a gift to know it.
There was a knock on the door.
“Kumm,” he called.
The door opened and Leah walked in. “Thought I’d see how you were doing.”
“Doing?”
She closed the door, and as she walked over to the bed he moved his legs so she could sit on the end of it. Then she just looked at him.
He shrugged. Talking about emotions didn’t come easy for him. “I was just thinking about how Eli and I have always had a closeness because we’re twins,” he admitted. “We’ll always be close, but his fraa will be the one he’ll share his thoughts and feelings with now. And that’s as it should be. I’m happy for them.”
She patted his hand. “I know you are. They love each other so much. And I think they’ll have a stronger marriage now that they’ve gone through what they have.”
“How about you?” he asked. “How are you doing?” He’d been so selfish, he realized, so focused on how miserable he felt being close to Hannah and having her refuse to look at him or talk to him more than she’d had to.
“It’s one of those big steps you hope to see your kinner make,” she said slowly. “Falling in love and marrying. Having grosskinner.”
Tears welled up in her eyes and she smiled tremulously. “It was a very emotional day.”
She reached into her apron pocket and pulled out a man’s cotton handkerchief and stared at it. “I gave one of your dat’s handkerchiefs to Eli to carry in his pocket today. It made me feel like a part of your dat was with us.”
She wiped her eyes then smiled at him. “I have one tucked away for you, too.”
“I’m not schur I’m going to have use for it for some time.”
“You’re both hurting. But you’ll make up. I have faith that you will. The two of you love each other too much not to.”
“I hope you’re right.”
She tucked the handkerchief into her pocket and sighed as she stood. “Well, I’m tired even though I had a little lie-down earlier. I don’t think I’ll have any trouble sleeping tonight.”
She chuckled. “Well, I suppose that’ll depend on John. He’s sleeping in the portable crib in my room tonight. You get some rest.”
Leaning down, she kissed his cheek. “Don’t stay up too late reading.”
“I won’t.”
But long after she left he found himself lying there, staring at the ceiling and thinking about Hannah.
His mudder had said he needed to talk to Hannah about getting married and staying at her eldres while they saved for a home of their own. She’d said that Hannah would probably rather do that than delay getting married, and he didn’t have the right to decide things for her without talking to her.
Mudders were almost always right, he had to admit.
And schur, he’d like to have a nice big master bedroom in a big house like this. But sharing a room of any size with Hannah, being married to her was far, far better than being alone with his pride. Alone without her.
He’d find a way to get her to talk with him tomorrow.