The next morning, Lucas pushed through the revolving door into the lobby of his office tower feeling grateful that Sarah had been so understanding about his being late for dinner. He had been so absorbed in recalling his conversation with Ted that he hadn’t even called to tell her he was on his way home. It wasn’t like him to forget that.
Sarah had met him at the door with a kiss and a smile and only said she had started to worry about him. Then she pulled dinner out of the oven—a dinner that had been keeping warm a little too long. He apologized as the kids scurried to sit down and chow down.
Once the whole family had sat down to dinner, he wanted to share his excitement about his conversation with Ted, but he realized it just wasn’t the time. Instead he turned the dinner table conversation to its usual focus—Carson’s and Emily’s days at school and Sarah’s adventures at her daycare center. Lucas always enjoyed hearing their day’s news.
After they had cleared the dishes and gotten the kids into bed, he noticed Sarah was in a quiet mood.
“Sometime in the next few days I’d love to share with you what Ted and I were talking about today,” he said.
“Sure, honey,” said Sarah as she dropped into her favorite chair and picked up the novel she was reading. “I’d like to hear about it sometime.” And they settled into their evening, Lucas feeling relieved that his showing up late for dinner hadn’t soured Sarah on what he was learning from Ted.
The bright lights of the bank lobby brought Lucas back from his reverie. He made his way through the throng of people arriving for work. As he approached the elevator, he recognized a woman waiting there. She was one of his neighbors.
Lucas and Sarah bought their home a little over a year ago. It was in a family-friendly development, and they were still meeting and learning about the others who lived there. He remembered meeting this woman at the neighborhood Fourth of July picnic. He wanted to say hello, but what was her name? Lucas remembered discovering that they both worked at the same financial services company, but it had been a fleeting conversation, and he couldn’t recall much more. As he neared the elevator, he thought, “Was it Kate? Kelley? Seems like it started with a K.”
As the elevator door opened, Lucas said, “Hi! You live in Northtown Woods, don’t you?”
She smiled as they, along with several others, stepped into the elevator. “Yes, I do,” she said. “I think I met you and your wife and kids at the last neighborhood picnic.” She put out her hand to shake. “My name’s Kasey, and please remind me, you are … ?”
“Lucas,” he said, relieved. “If I remember correctly, you work here at the bank as well.”
“Yes, I do. Those picnics are so hectic, with all the activity and chitchat going on. I didn’t have a chance to ask you—what do you do here?” she asked.
“I work in a support team for the Customer Service Department. I’m a team lead of a group of data analysts,” Lucas said.
“Interesting,” said Kasey. “I used to manage a customer call center until about a year ago. How do you like what you’re doing?”
Lucas was a little surprised by her question, but since she was a neighbor, he decided to be more forthcoming than he might have been. “It’s okay. Actually, it’s a little on the tough side just now. I have a new boss who’s making a lot of changes. And I have some challenges with a couple of my analysts.” He paused, then quickly added, “But I really like the company.”
“I think I know who your new boss is, so I can relate.” Kasey said, with a wink that indicated she knew the elevator was no place to name names. “If I can be of any help as you work through your challenges, let me know, neighbor. The only advice I would give right now is to stay focused on outcomes and not get caught up in seeing your new boss—or even the challenges of change and your team—as problems to react to. Someday not too far from now you may look back on all of it as a great learning experience.”
Lucas blinked, slightly stunned to hear these echoes of Ted’s language.
“You okay?” Kasey asked.
“Uh, yeah … sorry,” he stammered. “It’s just … your advice sounds so much like a conversation I had with the custodian on our floor just last night.”
Kasey brightened. “That wouldn’t happen to be a guy named Ted, would it?”
“Wow! Yes, indeed!” Lucas beamed.
Just then the elevator door opened, and Kasey put her arm out to hold it. “Do you have a minute to finish this conversation in the hallway? I have to say, this is quite coincidental.”
Lucas and Kasey stepped out of the elevator and into the foyer.
Kasey continued. “A couple of years ago, Ted was the custodian on our floor—we had some really amazing conversations. Has he said anything to you about the ‘three vital questions’ he picked up from a CEO he used to work for?”
“Yes!” Lucas said excitedly. “In fact, he shared one of those questions with me just last night. It’s very interesting stuff.” Glancing at his watch, Lucas realized he needed to get upstairs to his team. “Could we have coffee sometime, Kasey? It would be great to hear more about your experience with Ted.”
“Sure thing—I’d enjoy that,” Kasey said. “Just let me know when.”
Lucas was thrilled at the thought of talking with someone who already had experience with what he was learning from Ted. “There’s no time like the present,” he thought.
“How about this afternoon or tomorrow morning?” he said aloud. “I have a team huddle this morning, and a meeting tomorrow afternoon, but …”
Kasey smiled warmly. “Another interesting coincidence. I got a text on my way in this morning that an all-day meeting I was supposed to have today has been postponed. What time would you like to meet—at Starbucks on the mezzanine?”
“Three o’clock?” Lucas offered.
“Three it is!” Kasey said. “See you then.”
Lucas smiled broadly. “Great!” He stepped toward the elevator and pressed the Up button.
Before heading to coffee that afternoon, Lucas took a few minutes to search for Kasey’s name on the bank’s intranet and learn a bit more about her. He assumed she was in her midforties and, given the floor she worked on, that she had a position of considerable responsibility. At the neighborhood picnic, Lucas had noticed Kasey’s two children, young teens, playing amiably with the younger neighborhood kids.
He found that Kasey worked as a district vice president for retail banking and was responsible for all the banking centers in the downtown and surrounding areas, as well as all the retail banking call centers. “Pretty big job, with all those center managers reporting to her,” Lucas thought. He also saw that she was, as she had said, the former manager of the Customer Service Department’s credit card customer call center, a couple of floors above his. Lucas remembered that Ted had mentioned being reassigned from another floor in the high-rise building where they all worked.
Kasey was a fairly recent graduate of the bank’s executive leadership development program for high-potential talent. Apparently her time in customer service had been her last rotation in the program. She had then graduated from the two-year process into her current position, about a year ago.
Lucas also discovered that the person Kasey had last reported to was none other than his new boss. “No wonder she knew who I was talking about.” he thought, leaning back in his chair. He glanced up at the light above his desk and admired its bright new bulb, courtesy of Ted.
Lucas got up, grabbed his journal, and made his way down to the coffee shop. At this time of day it wasn’t very busy—only a few people working on laptops as they took in an afternoon boost of caffeine. He stepped up to the counter and ordered an iced chai tea. For some reason he had lost the taste for coffee in the afternoon. He took his tea and sat in a booth toward the back where he could see Kasey when she walked in.
He was thinking how interesting it was that this conversation was about to take place. Lucas was certainly respectful of Kasey’s position in the organization, but what he really wanted to talk about was her experience with Ted. He looked up just as she walked in, and he waved to get her attention.
Kasey waved back, held up her finger to say “Just a minute,” then went to the counter and ordered a latte. While it was being made, Kasey came over and slid into the booth across the table from Lucas.
“I’m jazzed to talk with you about your experience with our mutual friend, Ted,” she said.
“So am I,” replied Lucas. “I can’t wait to hear what the other two vital questions are.”
Kasey laughed. “Sorry, neighbor, no spoilers! It’ll be so much better—and more fun—if you get those directly from Ted. And I could never do justice to all of the three vital questions over coffee. But I’ll be happy to meet up again and share some of the ways I’ve applied those questions as you learn more from him.”
Lucas took a sip of his iced chai and said, “Okay then. Sounds like Ted’s unique delivery of the three vital questions is going to be an important part of this.”
“Absolutely! Direct experience is the best,” Kasey responded.
“Interesting that he works as a janitor,” Lucas said.
Kasey heard the barista call her name and rose to get her latte. “He’s much more than a janitor, Lucas. He’s a custodian in every sense of the word. Ted is a guardian of the wisdom he has accumulated from decades of keen observation—and a caretaker of conversations like the one he just started with you.”
Kasey retrieved her latte and slid back into the booth. Taking a small sip, she continued. “Ted has absolutely shifted the way I think, how I relate with others … even how I plan things and when and how I take action. What I learned from him has dramatically upgraded the way I lead my team—and the way they lead their teams, because I’ve shared Ted’s approach with them, too. What Ted teaches, or, I should say, shares from his experience, helped me see that everyone is actually a leader in both their work and their life.”
“Hmm,” Lucas said. “It sounds like you’re talking about leaders besides the ones listed on the organization chart, like you. I know you oversee a group of banking center managers who lead the staff at their banking centers, as well as the retail call center.”
“That’s right, Lucas. We don’t want to confuse managers with leaders.” She took another sip of her latte. “Managers are, just as you say, people whose names appear on an org chart. But leadership has nothing to do with rank and position. Everyone can lead in their area of contribution or expertise. One of the maxims I learned from Ted is, ‘Every job can have either a trivial description or a noble one.’”
Lucas nodded. “I remember Ted saying, when I first met him, that he was a custodian. He didn’t use the word janitor. He told me his job is to be a custodian of the work environment.”
“Oh, he’s a custodian all right.” Kasey smiled. “As I’m sure you’ll see, the work environment he looks after goes well beyond the physical surroundings!”
Lucas said, “I am definitely intrigued, and I have to go in about thirty minutes. I’d love to hear more about your experience with that first vital question, the one about where you’re putting your focus.”
“This first vital question really sets the stage for everything else Ted’s going to tell you,” Kasey said, leaning back in the booth. “I feel fortunate that I met him several months before moving into my new role. During that time, we had the chance to talk quite a bit about some of the deeper applications of those questions.”
“I’m all ears,” said Lucas with a smile.
“One evening, Ted and I were talking specifically about the Problem Orientation and how what really drives that mindset is the anxiety or fear that comes with it. Did he go into that with you at all?” Kasey asked.
“Yes, he did. And I could see right away that when I focus on problems, my anxiety rises up and leads me to react.”
“There were a couple of exercises Ted asked me to do that I found really helpful,” Kasey continued. “I think we could cover them in a half-hour. Are you game?”
“Sure!” Lucas took out his journal and pen.
“The first exercise has to do with the thoughts and feelings you experience … and the actions you take … in each of the orientations. And just a note about ‘thoughts’—they can be things you say silently to yourself as well as things you say out loud to other people,” Kasey explained. Lucas wrote “thoughts, feelings, and actions” down in his journal.
“Okay, think of a time when you were clearly in the Problem Orientation.” Kasey paused.
“Easy,” Lucas said. “Two times, actually. First was in the huddle with my team this morning, when a couple of folks were goofing around and not taking the meeting seriously. And the other was last week in my one-on-one with my new boss. I believe you used to report to him?”
“I did. Now, keeping both of those situations in mind, what were some of your thoughts—things you said either to yourself or out loud?” Kasey asked.
Lucas thought for a moment. “‘What a waste of time’ was a thought that came up for me in both instances. In the huddle I remember thinking, ‘These guys are so immature. It’s so unfair that I’m expected to get them to perform even though I’m not paid as a manager.’ And with my boss, I often say to myself, ‘Why did I have to end up with this new boss? He seems to want to change everything we do, and he’s so …’” Lucas hesitated a moment. “So controlling.”
“All right,” said Kasey. “So, how did you feel in those two situations? What emotions came up? What was your inner state, as Ted calls it?”
“Oh boy,” said Lucas. “Frustrated. Even angry. With my team, we were meeting in the corridor, and I was embarrassed, thinking someone would see them goofing around. With my boss, I felt, well … really anxious, even scared. I was afraid to say something wrong that he might come down on me for saying.”
“Okay,” responded Kasey, “and then what did you do? In reaction to those emotions, what were your behaviors or actions?”
Lucas leaned back in his seat. “I finally showed my frustration to the team. I told them to stop acting like frat boys and listen up. I think my frustration was pretty obvious. With my boss, though, I sort of withdrew. I only said the minimum and let him do most of the talking. I’ve already learned there’s no point in offering my ideas, because he’ll just tell me why they won’t work or how he has a better idea.”
Kasey nodded. “Yeah, I know how that feels. We can talk more about your relationship with him another time, since we only have a few more minutes right now.”
“I’d appreciate that,” said Lucas, “but you’re right, it can wait.”
“You’ve made a good start on identifying your thoughts, feelings, and actions during those times when you’re in the Problem Orientation. When you get a chance, you could also reflect on a time when you were operating from the Outcome Orientation—I can guarantee you’ll notice you had more empowering, outcome-oriented thoughts at those times, and much warmer feelings. When you’re engaged in service to outcomes you care about, even solving problems can bring you a sense of fulfillment and accomplishment.
“Oh! And there’s one more exercise Ted had me do. It’s about identifying reactive triggers and reactive strategies,” Kasey said.
Lucas turned to a fresh page and wrote those words at the top. “What do you mean by reactive triggers?”
“A reactive trigger is anything or anyone that causes or activates you to react—to see that person or thing as a problem that engages some form of anxiety. Once you’re triggered, you react with a fight, flight, freeze, or appease response. Those are the reactive strategies. I assume Ted mentioned those to you.”
Kasey continued: “Personally, I can get triggered in meetings when someone interrupts me. Depending on the situation, my reactive strategy might be to confront the person in some way—a fight reaction—or I might withdraw and shut down—a form of flight. The reactive behavior is a strategy to try to control the anxiety you’re feeling. Does that make sense?”
“I think so. When I get triggered, then I react from one of the strategies I’ve developed to try to control whatever is going on,” Lucas said.
“You’ve got it!” said Kasey. “Take a minute and think about the kinds of people or situations or environments that usually trigger you to react.”
Lucas sat back in his seat, sighed, and quickly responded, “My team and my boss, for starters, and I guess I already shared the strategies I use with them.” He paused a moment. “Home can be pretty chaotic at times, especially when the kids have friends over and I’ve had a hard day at work. My strategy is to retreat to my little study and read or something.”
Lucas added, “This is really interesting. I’m not sure I’ve ever stepped back and reflected on what triggers me, let alone what my reactive strategies are.”
“The key, once you notice you’ve been triggered,” said Kasey, “is to pause—I call it ‘hitting the Pause button’—so you can shift away from reacting to what you don’t want. That way you’ll eventually make a more empowered choice.”
Kasey checked her watch. “Hey, our time is about up. Just keep noticing when you get triggered and want to react—and sometimes you will. And keep track of what you do. That will help you discover your reactive strategies.”
“This has been so helpful, Kasey,” Lucas said as he closed his journal and slid his pen into the spiral binding. “You’ve helped me think a lot more deeply about what Ted told me. I can’t thank you enough.”
As she gathered her cup and napkin, Kasey pointed at Lucas’s journal and said, “I think it’s great that you have a journal to capture your thoughts and observations. Being able to step back and reflect on things is really key, Lucas. Ted calls it ‘going up to the balcony.’ The more you can observe, the more you will be able to make different and more empowering choices about how to respond. It will be great to get into the habit of writing down your observations of thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions, as well as your reactive triggers and reactive strategies.”
As they stood up to leave, Kasey paused and said, “One more thing, Lucas. Whenever the opportunity presents itself for you to hang out and talk more with Ted, it’s going to be, well … a learning experience that could change your life. Not just at work but at home, too. It changed just about everything for me!”