Lucas and Sarah were having a date night: dinner and a movie. At dinner, Lucas was bursting with all he had learned from Ted.
“And I think Kasey, our neighbor, can help me use this stuff with my boss, too,” he said. “She knows what he’s like, and she has more practice with this stuff than I do. Ted even said I could potentially be a Coach to my boss.”
Sarah was intrigued. “Wow, that sounds amazingly encouraging. I know what a strain it’s been for you trying to work with that guy. It would be great if this approach makes a difference there.”
Lucas laughed. “I’m definitely going to give it my best effort!”
The two talked about the Dreaded Drama Triangle and The Empowerment Dynamic for so long that they decided to scratch the movie and head to a quiet bistro for a nightcap. There, Sarah and Lucas talked about ways they saw the DDT at work sometimes in their marriage—especially when there were issues with the children. They committed to each other to call a time-out whenever they noticed either of them falling into a Victim, Persecutor, or Rescuer role. Lucas and Sarah agreed that they wanted to raise their kids as Creators. They knew this would mean practicing the TED* approach with their children on a regular basis, and they were excited to think of the ways this could strengthen their relationships—with each other and as a family.
They held hands on the way to the car, and Sarah said, “This was one of our best dates in a long time.”
“Yeah.” Lucas smiled. “I really like sharing this stuff with you. It’s like we’re starting something new together. It feels great.”
The next morning, Lucas met Kasey at the Java Junction, the other coffee shop in their building, which housed the headquarters of the financial services behemoth they worked in. Lucas shared with Kasey some of his conversation with Sarah and how it had seemed to reenergize their relationship.
“I can definitely relate to that,” Kasey said. “When I was learning about the 3 Vital Questions from Ted, I’d go home and share what I was learning with my husband, Frank. It really made a difference in our communication with each other, and with our kids—once we got the hang of it. I was happier at home and I started feeling a lot happier at work.
“Of course, I’ve also found that even though the ideas are simple, they’re not always easy to apply.”
Lucas took a sip of his latte and nodded. “I can imagine that’s true. It’s just that I’m so excited about everything I’m learning here. I can see the real possibility of thinking differently and relating to people differently. Once you learn about the DDT, you start seeing it everywhere—in movies and TV, advertising, politics—you name it.”
“I couldn’t agree more,” Kasey said. “The more I started to notice the DDT here at work, the more I came to realize that the Victim role isn’t limited to individuals. Groups of people can feel victimized all together!
“For instance,” she said, “it could be a team feeling victimized by changes or assignments they’ve been given. I’ve seen whole departments feeling victimized by other departments in the organization. Even an entire organization can feel victimized—by competitors or regulations or changes in the marketplace. In every case, they’re seeing the problem as a Persecutor, which causes them to react, which keeps them stuck in the Victim Orientation and the DDT.”
“I see what you mean,” Lucas said. “I hadn’t thought about that, but it makes a lot of sense. I think my whole team has been reacting like Victims to our new boss—and it’s so easy to see him as a Persecutor. Some of the changes he’s initiated, and the sharp style of his feedback on reports, can really get us down at times.”
Kasey blew on her hot coffee to cool it a bit. “Something you might consider, Lucas, is that it isn’t your boss’s intent to be a Persecutor at all. In his own way, he might think he’s actually being more of a Rescuer.”
“How do you mean?” Lucas asked. He was stunned, and it probably showed.
“Don’t get me wrong,” said Kasey. “I’m not defending him or how he goes about doing what he does.” She paused.
“Lucas, I’m going to share an insight I had several months ago about my own leadership style. Realizing this has given me a lot more compassion for myself, and for others who work in leadership roles. And I think you know that my bias is to believe that everyone has a leadership role, even if it’s only expressed in the way they relate to their co-workers.
“I appreciate your willingness to share your insights,” said Lucas, adding, “And I completely agree that we’re all practicing leadership, in one way or another.”
“I thought so,” said Kasey with a smile. “I was fortunate to go through a really good executive leadership development program. One of the last experiences I had in that program was receiving feedback from others about their perceptions of me as a leader. We were using a powerful multi-rater feedback system called the Leadership Circle Profile. I got feedback from my boss—not your current boss, but my current boss. I also received feedback from my peers, my direct reports, and a few other people I’d worked with on different projects during the two years I was in the program.
“I had always prided myself on my people skills. I felt confident that I was a pretty good leader during my rotation of assignments over that two-year period. Overall, I’m glad to say, the feedback was pretty good and did confirm a lot of that.”
“I can’t say I’m surprised,” said Lucas.
“But that’s not really what I wanted to share,” Kasey continued. “That’s only the context for what really got my attention.
“One of the unique aspects of the feedback was that I learned about the perceptions other people form around what the Leadership Circle Profile calls our Reactive Tendencies, or reactive strategies. These strategies are usually formed very early in life. They’re how people—all of us—try to gain a sense of worth and identity and to control the uncontrollable situations we find ourselves in as children. We then take those childhood ways of reacting into our adult lives and, of course, into our ways of leading as well.
“There are three Reactive Tendencies that the Leadership Circle Profile provides feedback on. They’re called Controlling, Protecting, and Complying. Everyone learns aspects of all three of these styles, but people tend to develop one or two of these as their main way of reacting.
“And here’s the kicker: there’s a close relationship between those Reactive Tendencies and the roles in the Dreaded Drama Triangle.
“All three of these strategies—to control, protect, or comply—are attempts to avoid feeling victimized by circumstances. Those who tend to be more controlling are often perceived as Persecutors, especially when their attempts to control are combined with some protective behaviors. Leaders who are perceived as more compliant often show up as Rescuers—and that’s the tendency I recognized in myself.”
Kasey stopped for a moment. “Is this making sense so far?” she asked.
“Sort of,” said Lucas. “I think I can see how a controlling person shows up as a Persecutor, but I’m not really clear on what you mean by complying being related to being a Rescuer.”
“Well,” said Kasey, “here’s what I realized when I saw that people perceived me as being compliant at times. I can sometimes be a people-pleaser. I can ‘go along to get along,’ as the saying goes. My profile confirmed that I have strong people and relationship skills, but sometimes I’d let people off the hook or avoid stepping up to some of the difficult conversations I really should have been having. In the language of The Empowerment Dynamic, I wasn’t being a conscious Challenger of others. Sometimes I’d take care of things for people—things that were really their responsibility—because I didn’t want to make waves.”
Lucas leaned back in his seat and sighed. “Ouch. I can relate to that. Just the other day, I edited one of my teammates’ reports. I figured it would be easier to do it myself than to point out to him what needed to be changed.”
Kasey smiled. “Now can you see how that’s being a Rescuer?”
“I do now,” said Lucas.
Kasey continued, “And there is another form of Rescuing that I realized I sometimes fell into. It’s what my coach called being a ‘hero manager.’ I would step in and either fix someone’s work, or try to fix the person themselves—in a sense, I wanted to save the day. Even controlling types can fall into this category of Rescuer. They’ll make decisions that others could or should make, or tell people what to do and insist it be done that way. They feel like they should have all the answers. And if they don’t have answers, they pretend to, because it’s easier than admitting they don’t know.
“This is what I wonder about when it comes to your new boss,” Kasey said. “There may be times when he’s actually trying to save the day, but his way of going about it comes across as persecution. Again, I’m just wondering. What do you think?”
“Gosh, I have to admit it never occurred to me that he might be trying to be a Rescuer,” Lucas said. He leaned his elbow on the table and took another swig of his latte. “I thought I had him figured out, but I can see I’m going to have to pay more attention to the possible reasons behind his way of doing things.” One of many things he was going to have to pay more attention to.
“So, I’m curious, Kasey,” Lucas said. “What difference has all that feedback made in the way you approach your leadership role now?”
“I received my leadership-style feedback several months after I learned about the DDT and TED* from our friend Ted,” said Kasey. “At first I got down on myself for the ways I was unwittingly acting as a Rescuer. I also came to see how there might be times that my attempts to rescue could actually be perceived by others as persecution. That was really tough.
“For instance, I kept thinking about this one project, where I’d led a team of peers—we were tasked with redesigning the new-employee orientation process. It was such an exciting new development for our division of the company, and all of us were jazzed about being a part of it. But whenever there was a disagreement in a meeting, I’d try to move things along by suggesting a solution or saying that we’d decide the issue later. Also, there was one team member who seemed to delight in being the naysayer, always saying why this or that wouldn’t work. It was really slowing us down, and I was worried we weren’t going to make the project deadline. So when there were disagreements in meetings, I began to email people afterward. I’d thank them for their ideas and then suggest my own solution. I hoped that would smooth things over and get us back on track.
“After a while, though, the energy of the team seemed to just flatten out completely. It was awful. Instead of the initial enthusiasm we had all shared, I felt like I was trying to start a car in a subzero snowstorm—there just was no energy to start the engine, and I couldn’t clearly see where I wanted us to go, either.” Kasey sighed.
“Not only did we not make our deadline, but the project was reassigned to another team. I felt my team members blamed me for that.” She took a sip of coffee, frowning.
“Anyway, after getting feedback on my leadership style and my Reactive Tendencies, I saw what it was I’d been doing on that project that had, in effect, sabotaged it. I was both fleeing and appeasing, basically, by not working through the issues in the meetings, and then trying to provide all the answers to the disagreements myself. It was terribly humbling—and a huge learning experience.
“So, after I got over my wounded pride, I shifted my focus toward cultivating a style of leading as a Creator, Challenger, and Coach. One of the things I’ve really been working on since then is holding those on my team responsible and accountable for their jobs and the areas they lead. It’s a much more balanced way to work. And I can still be supportive of them as a Challenger and a Coach.”
Kasey’s phone buzzed. “I have to check this,” she said apologetically as she picked it up. Then: “Sorry, Lucas, but I just got a text about some questions my boss has, so I really need to go. I hope our conversation has been helpful to you. It’s been a nice refresher for me.”
“You have no idea,” Lucas said. He took the last sip of his latte as he stood up. “You’ve given me a lot to think about in my own little leadership role. Talking with you has been really helpful, and I can’t thank you enough.”
As they gathered up their things and dropped their cups in the recycling bin, Kasey asked, “When do you think you’ll see Ted again?”
“I’m not sure. It won’t be tonight, though,” said Lucas. “Sarah and I have a school open house to go to, so I’ll be leaving right at the end of the day. But I hope to stay late in a couple of days and see Ted then.”
“Well, when you do see Ted again,” said Kasey, “ask him if he’ll share with you how to make shifts happen.”
“How to make shifts happen?” said Lucas.
Kasey smiled as she reached for the door. “Yes, how to make shifts happen—from the DDT to the TED* roles. Oh, and tell him I said hello!”