“The core shift takes you from Victim to Creator,” Ted said. “When you choose to adopt a Creator Orientation and shift your focus from problems to outcomes—focusing on what you do want instead of what you don’t want—then you’re making the fundamental internal shift. You’re upgrading your human operating system.
“And that carries you over into the external shift. You interact differently with others. When this happens, you’ll also find yourself interacting with external circumstances differently, because now you’re aware that you have a choice about how you respond to whatever happens around you. That’s what you did in the group meeting with your boss. You first made the internal shift from being a Victim in his presence to stepping into your Creator self. That changed the way you interacted with him in the meeting, in ways that your boss and others responded to.”
Lucas interjected, “But how do I get someone else who’s playing the Victim to make the shift. How can I get them to take up the role of Creator?”
Ted laid his hand on Lucas’s shoulder, looked him straight in the eye, and said, “You can’t.”
“Wait. What?” Lucas stammered.
“Here’s the reality, Lucas,” Ted said, leaning against the whiteboard. “You can’t make someone shift. If you really see that everyone is a Creator in their own right—whether or not they know it or act like it—then you have to accept that they hold the power to make their own choice. You still have the choice to see them as a Creator at heart, though, even if they’re choosing to play the Victim.
“The best thing you can do is to keep on being a Creator in what you do and say. You can encourage someone else to make the shift, maybe give them a cheerful nudge. But you definitely can’t make them change.”
Lucas responded, “But what if I’ve shared the DDT and TED* roles with them? Shouldn’t I be able to just point out when they’re being a Victim?”
“Think about it,” Ted responded. “If I called you a Victim, how would you feel?”
Lucas frowned a little. He leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and took in the question. “Hmm,” he said. “I think I’d feel victimized.”
“Yes. You’d probably feel defensive at being labeled as a Victim, and you’d see me as a Persecutor. Then you’d jump right into reacting from inside the DDT. The dreaded drama would begin!”
“Isn’t there anything I can do to help someone make that shift?” asked Lucas.
Ted smiled. “Yes, there are ways you can help, Lucas, but none of them are foolproof. As I’ve applied this shift myself, I’ve learned a harsh reality, and that is that you can’t argue with someone else’s feelings of victimization.” He sighed, then added, “On second thought, you can argue with them, but you can’t talk them out of it.
“Do you remember, from when we talked about the Victim role earlier, that when someone is feeling victimized, they have some dream or desire that they see as being denied to them?”
“Yes,” Lucas replied. “There’s something they care about, and in some way or another, they feel powerless or hopeless about it.”
“That, my friend, gives you a clue about how you might encourage them to shift. There’s a saying I heard once: ‘Behind every complaint lies a commitment.’ Let me ask you this: do you ever complain about something you don’t care about?”
“No, I guess not,” said Lucas. “I mean, why would I complain if I didn’t care?”
“Exactly!” Ted responded. “If someone’s acting like a Victim, then right behind their feelings of victimization, you’ll find something they care about.
“So here’s what you can try if you want to help someone shift. First and foremost, let them know you hear their anger or frustration or whatever their inner state is. Then subtly invite them to shift. After they see that you understand how they feel, you might say something like, ‘I can tell you really care about …’ whatever it is you think lies behind their victimization.
“You kind of did that today with your boss, even if you didn’t mention his inner state. He was complaining about what he didn’t want—you figured out what he did want in the reports that come from his department. Then you shifted the focus to what he cared about.”
“Yeah, I guess I did do that.” Lucas smiled.
“There are just a couple more things to keep in mind about this Victim-to-Creator shift,” said Ted. “First is that you go from feeling hopeless or powerless—as a Victim—to being energized about the creative possibilities—as a Creator. The other is that you shift from reacting to choosing. Creators always know they have the power to choose.”
Lucas briefly glanced at his watch. Ted said, “Let’s move on to the second major shift from DDT to TED* roles—the Persecutor-to-Challenger shift.
“We’ve already talked about the internal shift, about choosing your response to whatever happens in your life. Whenever someone or something shows up in your experience—something that, before, you’d have reacted to as if it were a Persecutor in the DDT—you now have the opportunity to pause and reflect on what you might learn from the experience. In other words, you experience that person or situation as a Challenger urging you to learn something.
“And the key to helping other people see you as a conscious, constructive Challenger in your relationships,” Ted went on, “is to know what your intention is.”
Lucas was puzzled. “What do you mean by my intention, exactly?”
“Before you challenge someone, it’s important to ask yourself if your intention is to make yourself look good, or to encourage learning and growth,” Ted answered. “If your intention is to be right, to show how smart you are, to win or one-up someone, then your intention is only to look good—and that just about guarantees you’ll be seen as a Persecutor.
“But a Challenger is always constructive, coming from an intention to foster learning. A Challenger’s focus is on enhancing someone’s capabilities. A Challenger is motivated by respect and care. A Challenger’s actions might be what you’d call tough love, or at other times, a gentle nudge and a bit of direction.”
“Like I did with my guy this morning when I asked him to do more work on his analysis report?” Lucas asked.
“Exactly,” Ted said. “You were doing that to enhance his learning and growth, not as a one-up or a put-down. Challengers build others up, while Persecutors only criticize, which makes others feel small or less-than.
“The truth is, you can’t control how someone else responds to your challenge. Either way, they could still react to you as a Persecutor. But if your intention is clearly positive and meant to enhance their learning, chances are greater that they’ll rise to the occasion to learn.
“Oh, and one last point about this shift,” Ted added. “It means you’re moving from controlling—which is what a Persecutor is trying to do—to compassion.”
“Compassion?” said Lucas.
“Yes, compassion. Because learning and growth isn’t always fun and easy,” said Ted. “But compassion doesn’t mean all soft words and gentleness either. Remember, one of the qualities of a Challenger is being a truth teller, so it naturally means treating the other person as a Creator in their own right …”
“Whether they know it or not or act like it or not,” Lucas filled in.
“You got it!” Ted smiled. “As a Creator, the person you’re challenging has the power to choose what they do, just as much as you do. But even as you hold them responsible and accountable for the consequences of the choices they make—you can do that with compassion for their learning process.”
“Got time for one more?” Ted asked.
“Sure, let’s go for it,” said Lucas.
“The internal shift for a Rescuer is often the most difficult.”
“Why is that?”
“Because Rescuers are so focused on taking care of others that they don’t take time to focus on their own self-care,” said Ted. “They find it very difficult to ask for support from others. Rescuers usually think they should do it all by themselves.”
Lucas shook his head. “Boy, I can really relate to that one.”
“So, the internal shift—that is, in how a Rescuer relates to their own experience—comes from knowing when to ask others for support,” Ted said. “This isn’t a sign of weakness or of playing the role of Victim. It’s the act of a Creator to ask someone for help or coaching. You’re not asking them to be your Rescuer—just to be a support and a buddy when you feel stuck or whatever.
“The key to shifting from a Rescuer to a Coach for others is, first and foremost, to see the people you coach as basically capable and resourceful. Along with that, a Coach recognizes that everyone holds the responsibility for the choices they make.”
Lucas said, “That sounds like the same thing you said about the Challenger.”
“It’s pretty similar,” Ted agreed. “Both a Challenger and a Coach see the other person as a Creator in their own right. A Coach’s basic toolkit is asking questions that support others to clarify, and then to commit to action.”
“Clarify what?” said Lucas.
“There are three main ways to get clarity. One is to clarify the outcome you want to create, the second is to clearly recognize and then speak the truth about your current reality, and the third way is to get clear about the actions, or baby steps, you’re going to take.
“The next time we talk, Lucas, I can share a little more about how all this works. But for now, it’s enough to know this: the shift from Rescuer to Coach means letting go of trying to fix someone and instead moving toward supporting their empowerment. It also means that, instead of telling someone what to do or doing it for them, you begin asking questions.
“Coaches practice the mantra ‘Ask first, tell second.’”
Ted turned to the whiteboard, picked up a marker, and said, “One last thing before you go, and then I’ll get back to my rounds.”
He drew a large asterisk. At the end of each line he wrote the name of a TED* role opposite its DDT counterpart. In the center of the asterisk, Ted drew a small circle with an arrow pointing to it. He labeled the arrow: Choice Point.
“As you go through your day, Lucas, you have lots of opportunities to either react to people and situations from the DDT roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer … or, you can respond to those people or experiences from the point of view of a Creator, Challenger, or Coach. In every situation, you’ll find yourself at the intersection of all these roles. You’ll be standing right here.” Ted placed his marker in the center of the circle. “At the choice point.”
He looked at Lucas. “From here you can shift into any of the TED* roles. You don’t always have to go to the exact opposite of the DDT role. For example, in your work with your team member today—instead of reacting as a Rescuer, you shifted into the Challenger role, like we talked about.”
Diagram 11. The Choice Point
Ted put the cap back on the marker. “And that’s how shifts happen, my friend. Any other questions before I go?”
“My mind is swimming with questions.” Lucas stood up, closed his laptop, and slipped it into his backpack. “But they’ll have to wait. I want to get home and share this new stuff with Sarah. I can’t wait to tell her about my amazing day.”
“And I need to get back to my rounds, maintaining an environment where you can do your best work—as a Creator, Challenger, and Coach.” Ted chuckled as he aimed his cart back down the corridor.
“Thanks, Ted. See you later.” Lucas shouldered his backpack and headed for the elevator.
As he sat behind the wheel ready for the drive home, Lucas decided to leave a voicemail for Kasey: “Hung out with Ted again tonight. Lots to share. Time for coffee in a day or two?”