That night, just before dinner, Lucas and Sarah made a pact to take some time to share the events of the day as soon as the kids were in bed.
Sarah shared at the dinner table how proud she was of Carson for asking his teacher if he could sit somewhere else in the classroom, so he wouldn’t be tempted to talk with his friend during class.
“You must have been a little bit nervous about doing that, sweetheart,” Sarah said, “but you asked for what you wanted and you took responsibility for making a change. That took courage! I loved watching you talk to her.”
Carson beamed. “Yeah! Ms. Pease let me change seats. And she’s going to change everyone’s seats around, not just ours. So Jay won’t think I didn’t want to sit by him because I don’t like him or something.”
Emily, who had the same teacher two years ago, added, “Ms. Pease is really nice. I liked her when I had her for first grade, too.”
After dinner was cleared, homework had been checked, and the kids were in bed, Lucas and Sarah brought their glasses of wine into the den and settled next to each other on the sofa. Lucas said, “Well, I saw Ted again late today. It was nice timing, too, because I had a couple of small triumphs at work today and I was able to thank him for his help. He seemed pleased to see it was having an impact. And then Ted told me some great new stuff about how to make shifts happen.” Lucas filled in a few details about his day at work, and Sarah smiled broadly.
“Wow, big day! You and Carson both went for it. Would you mind going over what Ted showed you today?”
“Sure. I was afraid you wouldn’t ask.” Lucas grinned. He drew the diagram showing the choice point at the intersection of the DDT and TED* roles.
Sarah said, “Hmm. This diagram forms an asterisk, just like the asterisk that appears after TED*. I wonder if that means anything.”
“I hadn’t thought about that,” said Lucas. He slid his arm around Sarah’s shoulder, and she leaned her head against him and sighed.
“You know,” she said, “this Ted guy is like a sage in the body of a custodian. I’m so glad the two of you struck up a conversation that night. I mean, what if you hadn’t? We would’ve missed out on learning all this. I can already see a difference when you get home at the end of the day—you seem calmer. When the kids were sharing tonight, I could tell you were really listening. I think they may have noticed a difference, too.”
“Thanks, honey,” Lucas responded. “I do feel different. And it’s great you’re interested in trying this stuff out with me. Thanks for that.” He smiled, then added, “Of course, I do still feel victimized by my job occasionally. Hopefully that’ll change in time.”
“I’m sure it will,” Sarah said, attempting to stifle a yawn. “Before we turn in, I just want to say how grateful I am that we’ve agreed to raise Emily and Carson as Creators. I’ve been thinking about it all day, from when we talked with Carson at breakfast up until I watched him walk right up and talk to his teacher at school this afternoon. It’s exciting to take what we’re learning from your talks with Ted, and really apply it to our parenting.”
“I think we took a great baby step in that direction this morning,” said Lucas.
When Lucas checked his voicemail the next morning, he had a new message from Kasey: “Hi, Lucas. Nice to hear from you, and it’s great to hear your excitement, too. If it works with your schedule, how about meeting up at my office toward the end of the day, either today or tomorrow, so we can visit a while? Just shoot me an email and let me know which day you’ll drop by. I’m looking forward to it.” Lucas knew Sarah would be taking the kids clothes shopping today and it would be a pizza night. He sat down and emailed Kasey suggesting four o’clock for their get-together. Within seconds, Kasey shot back a cheery “See you then!”
It was a team huddle day, and soon Lucas’s four analysts gathered around his cubicle for a check-in on various projects. Lucas shared with them the outcome of yesterday’s meeting with his boss and peers. Everyone in the group liked the idea of a consistent format for the analysis reports they were writing, and Lucas assured them he would ask for their input as the plan developed.
The day was remarkably drama-free. Lucas started to schedule the first meeting of the volunteers who would develop the new standard report template. To begin getting input on what the commercial banking group needed from Lucas’s team’s regular reports, Lucas met with one of the group’s senior managers.
Later that afternoon, Lucas arrived at Kasey’s office. The door was open, and he stuck his head in. “Is this still a good time for a chat?” he said.
“You bet,” said Kasey. “Come on in. Just give me a minute to finish up this email.”
Lucas looked around the office. He noticed a large whiteboard mounted above a small round table with four chairs. On one side of the whiteboard were drawings of the two FISBEs—the Problem/Victim Orientation and the Outcome/Creator Orientation—and below them, the DDT and TED* triangles. A line was drawn separating the diagrams from the rest of the whiteboard, and next to it, the words DO NOT ERASE.
Kasey sent her email and swiveled around to see Lucas looking at the whiteboard. She smiled. “Recognize those, do you? I’ve had them up there for a long time now. I must refer to those diagrams ten times a week, in one meeting or another. And I like having them in sight when I’m on a conference call or having a tough conversation on the phone. It helps me keep perspective.”
Lucas smiled. “That’s a great idea. I think I’ll draw a smaller version and tack it on the wall at my desk.”
Kasey stood up. “Why don’t we sit down and talk a while, Lucas,” she said, motioning to one of the chairs at the round table.
He’d spotted a picture of Kasey’s teenage kids and her husband on her credenza. They stood in a happy swimsuited bunch, arm in arm on a beach with a bright sky and ocean waves in the background. Lucas pointed. “That picture of your family reminds me of meeting you all at the neighborhood picnic last summer.”
They stood looking at the photo a minute. Kasey said, “I love that picture.”
She continued. “It’s been a couple of years since I started to have those life-changing talks with Ted, when he was the custodian on my floor. What Ted taught me has made a huge difference in my leadership and management style, but it’s also made a real difference at home.
“The teenage years can be especially challenging,” she said. “I wish I could say it’s all been sweetness and light—it hasn’t—but being parents and trying to co-create together and see our kids as Creators really has its rewards and breakthroughs. We try to coach instead of rush in and rescue. And we try to be Challengers when it’s called for, although our kids sometimes react to that as if we were being Persecutors.
“Anyway,” said Kasey, turning toward Lucas, “my life is very different because of Ted.”
Lucas nodded. “Sarah and I have been talking about the idea of parenting in that way, with empowerment instead of drama. She thinks Ted is a sage disguised as a custodian!”
Kasey smiled broadly. “I’ll tell you a secret. I think of Ted as a caretaker of souls. I actually looked up the word custodian once—it means a person responsible to look after something. Another word for custodian is guardian.”
Lucas let the word soak in. He certainly felt Ted was on his side. Lately it felt as if Ted was looking out for his whole family.
“Amen to that,” was all Lucas could think to say. He reached for a chair and sat down, Kasey sitting across from him.
After a pause, Kasey said, “So, neighbor, what’s the latest you’ve learned from our sage custodian?” They both laughed.
Lucas reached for his journal and opened it to the notes he’d jotted down the night before. “Last night Ted was talking about how to make the shift from the DDT roles to the TED* roles—from drama to empowerment.” He laughed a little. “I feel like such a beginner telling you this. You seem to have it so together.” He waved at the diagrams on Kasey’s office whiteboard. “You must practice being a Creator, Challenger, and Coach—operating from a Creator Orientation—all the time.”
Kasey laughed out loud. “I wish I could say that was true, Lucas! But you’re right that I’m always, or at least usually, trying to practice the mindset and roles. And practicing really is the operative word here. Practice, not perfection. I’m convinced that, as human beings, we will always go reactive at times and find ourselves enmeshed in the DDT. But we can make it our daily practice to stay focused on outcomes and to show up in our relationships as Creators, Challengers, and Coaches as much as we possibly can.
“In fact,” Kasey continued, “when I first started talking with Ted, I didn’t initially identify with the Victim role. I thought others around me were acting like Victims, but not me. I was in the executive leadership development program, after all, and thought I was doing well—until I had that experience with the new-employee orientation project.
“Remember when I told you about the feedback I received on the Leadership Circle Profile? After we received that feedback, they did this great thing: they paired us up with a learning buddy—someone also going through the program. Over several months and more than a few conversations with Darryl, my learning buddy, I shared what I’d learned from Ted and we really became Coaches and Challengers for each other.”
“Kind of like you’re doing for me?” Lucas asked.
“Sort of. It was more intense, though, because we held each other accountable and didn’t hesitate to challenge each other, as long as we were doing so from a learning intent.
“And one day we had one of those conversations. Frankly, it was back when I was reporting to the boss you have now, and I was whining about something or other. I made a comment about how I hoped he would be transferred or that someone would intervene or that he would get the kind of feedback that would make him see his impact on other people.” Kasey grimaced.
“Darryl let me vent for a while,” she said. “He just listened. Then he said to me, ‘Sounds like you’re looking for a Rescuer.’ It was a profound Challenger observation. But he wasn’t judging me, he was just making that observation. And I admitted it: I probably was looking for a Rescuer. Then he asked me a question that really shifted something for me.”
“What did he ask you?” asked Lucas.
“He followed up that Challenger statement with a great Coach question,” said Kasey. “He said, ‘If you’re looking outside yourself for someone or something to show up as a Rescuer, what role does that leave you in?’ I was stunned.”
“Let me guess,” Lucas interjected. “Victim?”
“That’s right. I was smack-dab in the Victim role,” said Kasey. “Busted!” She laughed.
“It was so clear. I could no longer deny that I, a successful team manager, enrolled in the executive leadership development program, sometimes reacted to things as a Victim. And it was in that conversation with my learning partner that I really started practicing the TED* perspectives, intentionally making shifts happen in the way that I lead, manage, and collaborate with other people.”
“What happened when you started shifting?” said Lucas. He opened to a fresh page in his journal and readied his pen.
“Once I acknowledged that even I could be in Victim mode,” Kasey said, “it was a matter of noticing all the times that I was subtly, and even at times explicitly, looking around for a Rescuer.
“I started to notice that whenever I experienced problems, and fell into reacting to them, my go-to strategy was often to draw others—whether direct reports, my manager, or others—into the problem. I would fool myself that I was addressing the problem by adding more people—and more drama—to the situation. I began to see that I was feeling victimized by the mess of the moment, and that I was adding to the drama rather than taking action to resolve the issue.
“So, that’s when I put the drawings up.” Kasey motioned to her whiteboard. “When a problem or issue arose, I would look up at that Creator FISBE and ask myself, ‘What is the outcome I want, and how do I choose to respond?’ I found that checking in on my inner state was also useful. I would reflect on why I cared about the challenge I was facing.”
Lucas added, “Kind of like finding the commitment behind the complaint?”
“Exactly. Ted’s taught you well,” said Kasey. “Sometimes looking at my inner state helped me clarify what I wanted. Once I had that clarity, I could make a better choice about how to respond to the issue.
“Other times, I realized that I really didn’t care about the issue. Usually that was when someone came to me with a problem that was causing them to feel anxiety and to react. In those cases, I could either move into the Coach role and help the other person clarify the outcome or choice they wanted to make. Or I might move into being a Challenger—by challenging their assumption that the issue needed an immediate response.
“If they determined it was really important to them, and that a response was urgently needed, I would stay in the TED* roles and support them to co-create their response. And that allowed me to stay in a Coach or a Challenger role much more of the time.”
Lucas had been quickly jotting notes as Kasey shared her experience. “This is so helpful, Kasey! It sounds like you would support the other person in how they reacted to the problem.”
“Not exactly, Lucas,” Kasey said. “I wouldn’t join them in reacting.” She shifted in her chair. “To do that would keep us both stuck in the Victim Orientation. Instead I want to help people move away from focusing on what they don’t want, from those desperate attempts to make the problem go away. I really want to support them in shifting to focus on an outcome they care about—one they can move toward.”
As he listened, Lucas had been thinking of the many times he’d made a problem worse by focusing solely on trying to solve it. He tried to imagine what it would look like, and what it might feel like, to move toward the outcome instead. “How would you do that?” Lucas asked.
“I used a powerful technique I picked up from my learning buddy—something he in turn picked up from a professional coach he once worked with. It’s called ‘problem reframing.’ You do this mostly from the role of Coach. You begin by asking the person what it is about the problem that they care about.
“Let’s take an example. One of the departments that reports to me is Collections—the folks who have to contact customers who are behind in their payments on loans or credit cards. One day the supervisor of the Collections group came to me after receiving an email from our director. The email had pointed out the poor percentage of collections her team was getting and demanded to know how they were going to solve that problem.
“You see, another aspect of that particular problem is that, when Collections can’t get a customer to pay, the account ends up being turned over to a collection agency. That, in turn, costs the bank money and also probably results in losing a customer. So there’s loss involved all around.”
Lucas said, “One of my team members provides the data analysis that probably led to that email from your Collections director.”
“Is that right? We’re all connected here, aren’t we?” Kasey smiled.
Then she continued, “Well, this supervisor was quite distraught and feared she might lose her job. I wanted to help her reframe that problem she was feeling reactive about, into some kind of an outcome she cared about creating.
“I asked her a few coaching questions about what the ideal outcome of a debt collection process would be—for her, for her team, for the bank, and for the customer. After some discussion, she realized the ideal outcome would be a customer feeling respected and agreeing to a plan to pay off the debt. She wanted the customer to have an interaction with us that would encourage them to keep their account in good standing over time.
“So, Lucas, do you see how she shifted from focusing on what she didn’t want, in reaction to the problem, and how together we reframed her challenge into an outcome she felt good about?” Kasey asked.
“Yes, I do. You must have felt good about the way you handled the situation with her. I can only hope to do that myself someday,” said Lucas.
“Just keep practicing!” Kasey said cheerfully.
“Sure thing,” said Lucas. “How did it turn out, if I can ask?”
“Let me tell you about the rest of my conversation with the supervisor, and then I’ll fill you in on the end of the story,” said Kasey.
“I showed her the Dreaded Drama Triangle on this whiteboard and asked her which roles she was playing. She was able to see how both the bank and the customer felt like Victims and saw each other as Persecutors. Customers felt the bank was persecuting them by sending letters and calling them with escalating demands for repayment. And the bank perceived the customers as Persecutors for not paying their bills.”
“Then who was the Rescuer?” Lucas asked.
“Great question. That’s where the real shift happened in the conversation. What we realized was that the collection agency—the one we would end up turning overdue accounts over to—was our Rescuer. The agency would then become the new Persecutor to the customer, especially because collection agencies are usually even more demanding than our folks.”
“It’s no wonder people wouldn’t want to be our customers after that,” Lucas agreed.
“Exactly,” said Kasey. “So next, the supervisor and I explored together how we might shift the dynamic into the TED* roles. We began by seeing the customer as neither Victim nor Persecutor, but instead seeing and treating them as a Creator—someone who would welcome support in making good on their debts and avoiding a downgraded credit rating.” Kasey pointed to the roles on the board as she spoke.
“After we reached that realization,” Kasey continued, “I challenged her to come up with a new plan based on the Outcome Orientation and the TED* roles. She came back a couple of weeks later with an awesome approach! Through letters and calls, Collections would respectfully approach the customers and offer to help them work out a mutually agreeable plan to help them protect their credit rating. She then trained her people to really act as Coaches to our customers. As they started to treat the customers as Creators, they found that sometimes the customers actually hadn’t fully understood the collection process or the consequences of defaulting on their loan or credit card. Of course, there were times one of our collectors would have to be a Challenger with a Creator-customer, but they did their challenging from a learning intention, not by putting the customer down.
“So to answer your earlier question, Lucas: our collection rate has more than doubled in the past year, and our rate of turning accounts over to the collection agency is way, way down.”
“That’s awesome,” said Lucas. “I can see how the shift can result in a totally different outcome. Yesterday I had a little experience with making a shift from problem to outcome, too. Believe it or not, it happened with my boss in his staff meeting.”
“Really?” Kasey said. “I’d love to hear about that.”
Lucas then recounted his story of his boss focusing on the problems with their data analysis reports being inconsistent and sometimes incomplete, and not providing the bank’s internal customers what they most needed.
“At first, I felt like a Victim, listening to him talk about every little detail in our reports that needed fixing. But then, once I realized that was his focus, I spoke up and asked a few questions to clarify what he really wanted. Then I volunteered to organize a small group to recommend a consistent report template that would meet most of our users’ needs as he’d described them.”
“Good work, Lucas!” Kasey smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. “Did he go for it?”
“He sure did,” said Lucas. “I’ve already started talking to some department heads about their needs and have called the first meeting of the volunteer group for next week.”
“That’s great,” said Kasey, adding, “Hey, I’d be happy to offer input on that project at some point, if you’d like. Not right now, though. I’m enjoying our conversation too much.”
Kasey looked at her watch—it was five fifteen, Lucas saw. Leaving now would land them in the heart of rush-hour traffic.
“I don’t know what your time is like right now, Lucas, but if you’re up for it, we could head down to the lobby and over to that pub next door,” Kasey said. “Would you be up for having a glass of wine or a beer and continuing our conversation? Frank is out with his buddies watching a basketball game, so my slate is clean for a little while longer. And I’m not in any hurry to jump into rush hour.”
“Perfect,” said Lucas. “Sarah and the kids are out shopping, and she was going to get them pizza. Let me text her what I’m up to and let her know I’ll grab a bite to eat on my own.”
Lucas took out his phone. Before sending the text off to his wife, he took a picture of the drawings on Kasey’s whiteboard and attached it to his message.
The pub wasn’t too noisy yet. Lucas and Kasey found a booth away from the happy hour crowd and ordered their drinks. Kasey said, “Let’s talk about the Rescuer-to-Coach shift. Are you getting into that one yet?”
“Yes, that’s one I’ve been experimenting with.” Lucas took a sip of his IPA. He shared with Kasey how he had worked with the analyst on his team. Lucas admitted that in the past, he would have taken the report from the analyst, edited it himself, and added his own recommendations. Yesterday, he had shifted into more of a Challenger role by having his teammate take the initiative to revise the report.
“Now that I’m describing it, I guess that was actually more of a Rescuer-to-Challenger shift. But when I shared it with Ted, he made it clear that any shift from a DDT role into one of the TED* roles was fair game.”
“Absolutely,” said Kasey. “Any shift that takes us out of being a contributor to drama and into being a force for empowerment—that’s what it’s all about. Since I met Ted, probably the biggest change for me is making it a practice to ‘ask first, tell second.’”
“I remember Ted referring to that as a mantra.” Lucas said. “It sounded a little extreme at the time, but I’m starting to see how powerful that one practice could be.”
“It is a mantra,” Kasey said, “in that I need to repeat it to myself a lot!” She laughed. “When I reflect on how I used to support my direct reports, I’ve been amazed to see how many times I would default to being a Rescuer in various ways. Sometimes I’d intervene when they hadn’t even asked me to, offering my advice or telling them I’d take care of something for them.
“Most of the time I’d do it out of enthusiasm and wanting to help. Someone would come into my office with a problem or an issue and ask what I thought they should do. My natural response would be to say, ‘If I were you …,’ and then list three or four ideas of what I would do before asking what they thought their options were. That’s a ‘tell first, ask second’ approach.
“Once I flipped that around and asked for their thoughts first, I found they often had many of the same ideas I had. And sometimes they had other ideas that were way more innovative! Once they shared their thoughts, if I had anything to add, I would share that with them. The change was incredible.
“My direct reports left my office with a spring in their step and a new sense of motivation because they were on their way to implementing their own solutions. And I was happy to have the chance to complement, reinforce, and, sometimes, add to those solutions to make them a little more effective. I wonder how many times, during the days when I defaulted to sharing my ideas first, people just never mentioned their creative inspirations and instead just did what I told them to do.”
“Yeah. Makes you think, doesn’t it? That’s really helpful, Kasey,” said Lucas. “You know, when I challenged my guy to add his own ideas to his report, he actually thanked me! I can see what you mean about motivation.”
Kasey nodded and took a sip of her wine. “And one other thing. I got a good look at the shadow side of being a Rescuer.”
“What do you mean?” asked Lucas.
“I’m sure there were times when I intervened or took something over for someone—especially if they hadn’t asked me to—that, even though I was trying to be helpful, the other person actually saw me as controlling, more like a Persecutor.”
“I don’t quite understand,” said Lucas. “How could you land in the role of Persecutor if you were sincerely trying to help them?”
“One of the written comments I got in my Leadership Circle feedback was that sometimes people felt put down when I took over a problem from them. In a sense, they felt I was implying they weren’t capable, or that I knew better. It was a little embarrassing to uncover that shadow side, seeing that my ‘help’ wasn’t always helpful.”
Lucas looked at his glass of beer. He wondered what blind spots his own experiments with the TED* roles might reveal. “I really appreciate you being so candid, Kasey, and sharing all of this with me. It gives me a lot to think about with my team. I think it’s going to be especially useful once I’m in a more official leadership position. This is one time when your help has definitely been helpful!”
“Thanks, Lucas. And you’re welcome,” Kasey said. “Also, I want to remind you that actually, you already are in a leadership position. I think there’s an important difference between management … and leadership.
“Management is a role, a formal position you can point to on an organization chart that shows who reports to whom. Leadership, on the other hand, is something that everyone is capable of. It doesn’t need to be official. You lead your team of analysts. Each of those analysts leads in the way they interact with their internal clients and with one another. And if you want to know the truth, I think Ted’s 3 Vital Questions have a lot more to do with leadership than they have to do with management.”
“Hmm,” said Lucas. “So you’re both a leader and a manager in your position.”
“Well, I like to think so, anyway!” Kasey smiled. “But I’ll be practicing that leadership and those 3 Vital Questions for the rest of my career—the rest of my life, for that matter.
“Oh, and one last thing about the shift from Rescuer to Coach, while we’re on the subject,” Kasey added. “Did Ted mention to you what he calls the internal shift?”
“He sure did,” Lucas chimed in, glad to be asked. “Let me see if I got what Ted told me about that kind of shift. That’s about shifting the way I look at my experience, right?”
“Right on—and it’s a tricky one for us recovering Rescuers.” Kasey chuckled. “Very often a Rescuer is so focused on taking care of others that they either don’t take care of themselves or they don’t ask for support when they need it. Self-care doesn’t always come easy.
“I remember this one time, I decided I would pamper myself by getting a massage at the gym. The irony was that the whole time I was lying on that table, I couldn’t stop thinking about other people and all the things I needed to do for them! I’ve really had to work on taking time for myself, to recharge.”
“What have you done?” asked Lucas.
“For one thing, I’ve scheduled massages every other Saturday morning. And during the massage, I try not to think about anything at all,” said Kasey. “I also started a daily practice doing a little bit of meditation and taking some quiet time every morning. Of course, it helps that I have teenagers who can fend for themselves and get ready for school on their own.
“The other thing I’ve learned—and this is a hard one,” said Kasey, “is to ask for help or support when I need it. Habitual Rescuers like ourselves tend to see asking for help as a sign of weakness, or as though somehow by asking for support they’re becoming a Victim. Now, I’m not talking about asking someone to rescue me. But let’s say I need help on a project. Asking someone who has the expertise I need isn’t weakness, it’s wisdom. Pulling in the right person to make the project the best it can be—that’s an act of leadership I can feel good about. And I’m grateful to have my learning buddy, Darryl, to bounce ideas off of. I can always ask him to serve as a Coach when I’m uncertain or struggling. Sometimes I’ll go to a direct report or to my boss to help me think through something, or ask for their perspective, knowing that the final choice about what I’ll do is still mine to make.”
Kasey finished her last sip of wine and looked at her watch. “This has been so great, Lucas. I probably should get going in a few minutes. Before I do, are you interested in talking a little about the Persecutor-to-Challenger shift?”
“Absolutely! I’m all ears,” said Lucas.
“I’ve learned to pause before I step into the Challenger role and ask myself, ‘What is my intention behind this challenge?’” said Kasey. “I ask myself, ‘Am I coming from a learning intention or a “looking good” intention?’ To be a conscious and constructive Challenger, I have to come from an intention to learn.
“Any time my intention is merely to look good, it’s almost certain my words or actions will be perceived and reacted to as those of a Persecutor. Some of the ways I attempt to look good are when I assertively try to show I’m right and the other person is wrong—they usually see that as me being critical. It was a blow to my ego to realize, when I got my Leadership Circle feedback, that there were times this was true. Sometimes when I jumped into a situation as a Rescuer—trying to be the hero and save the day—it was also a way of making myself look good and one-upping those around me. Looking good based on a judgment that ‘I know best’ and that, therefore, I have a right to control things. It was pretty embarrassing to see that about myself.”
“Well, thanks for being so honest,” said Lucas. “It’s brave of you, and I appreciate it. Do you mind me asking how you can tell when you’re coming from a learning intent, though?”
Kasey said, “It starts with pausing and being certain that the focus is on learning, whether for an individual or a team. The intention needs to be to foster learning and growth and to increase the capabilities, competencies, and capacities of others. And it’s done with respect and care, and even compassion, at times, especially when the learning isn’t easy or is even painful in some way. If I see that I’m not coming from that place, I try to adjust.”
“I remember Ted saying something about compassion being important as a Challenger,” Lucas added.
“Yes, and he probably emphasized that a Challenger is a truth teller,” said Kasey. “I’ve learned to share with people what I’m noticing or feeling in a situation, but doing it without attaching any blame or judgment. In fact, speaking my truth this way can open the door for others to share their own perceptions, observations, and feelings. And when they do, I try to stay open and listen for possibilities in what they say. I try to stay open to being influenced or changing my opinion as a result. It does take practice.
“Another thing that has spurred my growth as a Challenger is to bring assumptions to the surface and challenge them. It’s amazing how often we’ll make a decision to go down a certain path without looking at the assumptions that led up to it.
“I told you about the situation with the Collections supervisor and how she turned the situation around with such great results. Part of what unlocked her new approach was that we really looked together at our assumption that the customers who were involved in the collections process were somehow Victims or else deserved to be there. We challenged that assumption when we started treating them as Creators we could work with—people who would naturally want to clear up their situation with the bank.”
Lucas added, “I’ll bet those customers would say the Collections folks were being Challengers, not Persecutors, if they knew those terms.”
“I’d like to think so.” Kasey smiled. “And I think the results of our new, more respectful approach reflect that we’re on the right track. Getting clear about our assumptions is powerful, and can often lead to those kinds of breakthroughs. Every time we can identify an assumption, we’ve given ourselves the choice to either reaffirm that assumption as valid, or to reframe it or revise it. And sometimes we decide to retire it … because it’s no longer an assumption that serves the situation.”
Kasey glanced at her watch again. “Oops, now I really do need to go. You’re learning a lot from Ted, Lucas. I’ve been impressed with your grasp of everything we’ve been talking about.”
Lucas sat back in his seat. “Thanks, Kasey. The past few days have shown me what a big impact this stuff can have on, well, really any situation that comes along. And your sharing with me how you apply what you’ve learned from Ted is definitely reinforcing that reality! So again, thanks—and the drinks are on me.”
“Thanks!” said Kasey, standing up and grabbing her briefcase. “You ready to go?”
“No,” said Lucas. “I told Sarah I’d grab a bite to eat, so I’m going to order a sandwich and do some journaling. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“I look forward to more of these conversations, Lucas. See you.” Kasey said, and she headed for the door.