Have you ever had a friend who almost seems to crave conflict? Someone who is quick to label another person as a bad guy (or girl) or even as her enemy? Someone who casts herself in the role of victim no matter what the circumstances happen to be?
Let’s talk about that for a minute. Because the first thing I’d say about that particular behavior pattern is that it’s exhausting.
Seriously. It’ll wear you out. Because if you’re not into keeping score, it’s almost impossible to keep up with Conflict Craver’s endless list of who’s in, who’s out, and who’s walking a fine line.
It can be super frustrating. Conflict Craver’s perception is that there are all these monsters just over the horizon—all these threats just waiting to pounce—but the reality is that there’s no one there. The monsters don’t exist.
Yet still, Conflict Craver continues to try to hunt them down.
In our flesh, of course, we want to fire back when someone is constantly trying to pick a fight. We want to tell that person all the ways she’s wrong, all the ways she’s hurting us, all the ways she’s damaging relationships. But 1 Peter 3:9 is clear about how we’re supposed to respond: “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (niv).
(Quick disclaimer: please know that the kind of conflict I’m referring to is someone who frequently creates drama and perceives slights where there aren’t any. However, if you’re dealing with conflict because someone is targeting or bullying you, go immediately to your parents and any other authorities who would have a voice in that situation. That’s a whole different deal and in a whole different league.)
Also, pray that C.C.’s heart will soften enough that the two of you can have a conversation about the issue(s) at hand—not an argument, a conversation. And in the meantime, you continue to love (with boundaries!) and show kindness when you can. Remember that we do have a real enemy, but it’s not flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12). So prioritize fighting that battle, which can only be fought on your knees, instead of jumping in to one with your conflict-craving friend.
Scripture instructs us “to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people” (Titus 3:1–2 esv). We’re not going to get that right all the time because, well, humans (see also: broken people). But the Bible is our standard, right? It’s our plumb line; it is steady and true even when we fall short.
So ask the Lord to give you patience with Conflict Craver, especially when you’d rather give her a piece of your mind. Be gentle with her. You probably won’t be able to stop her from craving conflict, but, Lord willing, you can remind her that she’s loved and bless her with your words.
It’s not always easy, but it’s the better way.
1. Do you have any experience with someone who seems to crave conflict? No need to name names, but how did you handle it? Anything you wish you’d done differently?
2. Why is it so hard to respond with kindness when someone (knowingly or unknowingly) frequently stirs up drama or tries to start arguments?
3. How do you maintain healthy boundaries with a friend or family member who tries to pull you into conflict? Explain.
4. Read Proverbs 15:1 and write, doodle, or illustrate it here.
Today’s Prayer