At some point most of us have longed for true friendship. Since we are hard-wired for community, we want to be known and understood. These are good, God-given inclinations. We can get in trouble, though, if insecurity and desperation start to enter the picture. Because when we get insecure and desperate, we sometimes allow unhealthy people to have access to our hearts and minds. And I’m not talking about people who are physically unhealthy. I’m talking about people who are emotionally unhealthy: manipulative, controlling, and self-absorbed.
Those people will wear you out.
Several years ago I talked with a friend whose daughter was having friend trouble. The daughter felt like the person she’d considered her best friend had changed in recent months. The supposed best friend seemed to specialize in critical comments, whether she was talking about people she didn’t know or my friend’s daughter’s clothes or a classmate’s haircut. My friend’s greatest concern was that her daughter was trapped in a bad friendship, and after I listened to a few stories about how the supposed best friend had treated my friend’s daughter, how she had undermined her with other girls and even gone so far as to start rumors about her, I’d heard enough.
“Hey,” I interjected. “Based on what you’ve said, that girl isn’t your daughter’s friend. She’s more like a mob boss. Their relationship isn’t about friendship; it’s about control.”
And really, it’s easy to let the dynamics of a friendship get away from you, particularly if some unhealthy patterns start to take hold. That’s why it’s good to remember that genuine friendship isn’t about control or manipulation, and it certainly isn’t rooted in fear. It is a beautiful gift from God, and here are some ways we can know if it’s the real deal:
- You’re loved just as you are. This doesn’t mean you’re perfectly awesome and there’s absolutely no room for growth in your life. It does mean, however, that who you are at this particular moment in time is enough. You are not someone’s project, and you do not have to complete anyone’s checklist in order to be accepted. Your heart is safe and at home.
- You laugh. A lot. When I meet with girls who are having trouble with friends, one of the first questions I ask is, “Do you laugh together?” If the answer is “no,” then the odds are strong that the friendship isn’t long for this world. Laughing together creates a bond. It becomes a shared language and marks significant moments on the time line of your history together.
- You’re encouraged and supported. A good friend will tell you the truth and cheer you on in the ways that matter most. That friendship won’t come between you and your parents, it won’t interfere with your faith, and it won’t lead you in the direction of regret. Instead, you’ll be affirmed in your gifts and appreciated for your uniqueness. The unconditional support of a true friend will boost your confidence and your courage.
True friends are a blessing from God; give thanks for them today!
1. Do you have a friend who consistently encourages you and spurs you on in your relationship with Jesus?
2. Have you ever been in a friendship that you knew was unhealthy? How did (or does) that relationship affect you?
3. What qualities are most important to you in a friend? Do these qualities line up with Scripture? Look specifically at Galatians 5:22–23.
4. How could you be a better friend? Are you able to identify any ways that you could be more Christlike in your relationships?
Today’s Prayer