31

Try and Understand Grownups

Come on Nate, eat your cereal. Sit down and eat, Mama says to Pops who is walking around and around us, unable to do anything but drink his coffee and smoke Mama’s cigarettes. Hell’s bells, I say, and Mama says, What did you say? I put my head down and look at my chest and try not to watch Pops so much, he’s making me dizzy. Pops says, I’m not going back to that office this week, Pops says, I can’t stand that old man.

Speak up to him, Mama says in a whispering voice as if Boomer was right in the kitchen.

Do you really think I can tell him what I see in him? He’s arrogant and devious. Can I tell him I hate looking at him, how he has horns for ears and a little bookkeeper’s mind and how when he walks down the street all the words have a go at him and how much of a cheapskate he is. God Bev. He’s awful. Pops’ coffee spills out of his cup and it’s then that Pops gets annoyed and throws his cigarette into the cup. A nice hiss.

Nate, you know he has only you and your family’s best interests at heart.

Pops stops pacing and turns to Mama and says, I hate that frigging man. Pops screams and then he sits down quietly and eats his cereal.

Pops is dressed in his green suit and white shirt and a tie with little ducks on it. I am wearing my sundress with all the buttons up the front and my sandals. Mama is dressed up too because after breakfast, once Pops leaves for work, Mama and I are going shopping.

Nate, Mama says, you’re a very accomplished man. You have refinement and good taste. You speak well. People like you. Mama is trying so hard to make him feel good. Maybe if I say I love him too and that he’s my Pops, he’ll feel better, so I say it, Pops I love you. Pops says, Quiet down little one. Just quiet down. Why? I ask. I’m sitting here too. Mama says, Scags it was nice of you to tell your Pops you love him. She pats my hand.

I finish trying to understand grownups. What sense is there? They don’t care what I think. Pops smokes and smokes and now he has a cough and Mama says, I can’t keep going through this with you. If you drank less and slept more at night, you’d have a clearer head in the morning.

I think I’ll go up to my room, I say, and clear away my bowl and cup of milk and give them to Odessa. She says, Thank you Funny Face. Up I go, one step then two steps and no one calls me back so I run to my dresser and look at my snails in their green/black water like the color of the sky during a storm. I listen very hard and yes, there’s the garage door opening and a motor being turned on, it’s from Pops’ car. It backs away and is gone.

Mama comes up the stairs to my room. She is wearing her sunglasses in the house and carrying her big white purse. She says, We’re going now. Keen-o, I say and put on my blue sunglasses that Pops gave me and off we go.

Once we get into Marshall Fields in Old Orchard, I ask her why she doesn’t take her sunglasses off. She runs her hand down my back and says, Don’t worry yourself about it. We go to the little girl’s section. We look at all the rows and rows of dresses in all different sizes and colors. Hell’s bells, I say in a whisper and hold onto Mama’s hand. She is staring at a red velvet dress so hard she doesn’t hear me.

Scags, Mama says, let’s just pick out three dresses to try on. One for school, one for dress and one for play. I don’t like to play in dresses, I say and she says, That’s okay, you will. Let’s try on this velvet one. It’s so pretty with the lace bib and little cap sleeves. I think this one will fit you, let me hold it up to you. I stand perfectly still as she says, Don’t hunch your shoulders, look at me.

Mama, I ask, why is Pops angry at Boomer? Does Pops really hate Boomer and what did Boomer do? Mama says, Oh you and your questions. Don’t worry about Boomer. He can take care of himself. She leads me to the dressing room with an armful of dresses. I don’t like any of them, but Mama buys the velvet one for me and says we’ll try again when there is more of a selection.

We leave the store and walk to the car. Mama gets behind the wheel and puts her key in the ignition and I look at her long white neck and think she is very pretty and I ask her, Does Pops still love me?

What a silly question, Scags, of course your Pops and I both love you. Do Boomer and Goldie love me? Yes, of course, and Aunt Money. Odessa loves you. You are rich with love.

I know Pops wants to love me, I say, and she says right away, You can be sure of that. We pull out of the parking lot and make a right on Skokie Boulevard. I ask, Do you love me? She says, All mothers love their children. Did your mother love you? I ask. Mama says, No, but that was different. Why? I ask her and now I see she is getting nervous like when you are just about to slip on ice and for only a second more you feel safe before you land on your butt. And it’ll hurt. You’ll have no one to cry out to because you’re all alone. My mother, Mama says, was a very unhappy person. Why? I ask. For a lot of reasons, Mama says and turns onto our street.

We drive past the Mills’ house and then the empty lot and past the Cooks’ house and up our drive. We see Pops in the front yard wearing his suit and mowing the lawn. I sit back and wait for Mama to pull into the garage. She stops the car, she has nothing to say, she rests her head on the steering wheel.

Pops keeps mowing the lawn, not looking up at us, chomping on a big cigar and looking mean. Mama slowly leaves the car and says nothing to me. She walks through the kitchen door carrying the green bag with my dress in it and her big white purse and closes the door.

Pops keeps mowing as if he never saw us return. Why isn’t he at work downtown with Boomer? Is Mama so unhappy now like her mother was? I leave the car and go to the back yard where the cottonwood tree sits so full and strong and it’s cool back here, with a nice breeze. Pops will soon be back here, the grass is very tall. Will he see me then?