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Life growing up with Nan and Pa was very special for my twin brother, Kash and me. They gave us all we could have ever wanted ...
They worked damn hard to make sure we wanted for nothing. They showed us just how much love you can hold for somebody else. Pa always said to us and I quote,
“Boys, to love a woman with all you have is the greatest gift you can ever give. The love of a Beautiful woman knows no bounds and has no ties. You shall never want for love again, once you have the adoration of your soulmate. You shall not feel the cold. You shall not be lonely. You shall not go hungry. A woman is the best asset any man can invest his time, love, and devotion in.”
I see every day how much love Pa has for Nan, his true soulmate.
That’s what I want.
What I strive for.
What they have.
A friend that always has your back. Pure love. Pa is a great role model of what a man should be. The funny thing is, I did have just that.
But, in a heartbeat, it was gone, taken from me by my own hands, in a fight that wasn’t hers to bear. I lost it all.
She told me to stop, begged me to let it go. “They aren’t worth it,” she had said, like I had a choice. It was me or her, and for all that I was, I was not going to let them hurt her. Not again, so I did what I had to, trying to block the look of disappointment mixed with fear in her eyes from my own as I swung my punches. The last fatal blow landing where it shouldn’t have. Her screams and calling my name will haunt me forever.
Ending this ride with the harsh reality of dark anger and venom.
And look now, I’m pulled under, drowning in pain and loss. I have to live with that now, forever. They, them, the dirty wee jock squad get to go on and live their lives the way they always planned after they had sought to destroy not only hers, my sweet Angel but mine and my family’s.
My life along with theirs is on hold, broken, torn apart. The disappointment and disgrace I have forced upon my family is more than I can bear.
No longer having her here with me. It’s too much; a toxic stab that never lets up, that sends me to a ledge each night. I wonder, if I took the last step, would she be there to catch me? Would she still want me after all I had taken away from her?
I had it all and, in a blink of an eye, it was gone. It’s ok for you to hate me, it is nothing compared to how I feel. The pain I now live in is my own jail, a toxic place where good cannot survive. So, I’m now numb, dark, a Demon feeding not on love anymore but hate. I’ll never seek love again. I’ll never want for the warm embrace of a woman. My soul doesn’t deserve to feel it, when hers sleeps, no longer able to sense; feel or taste. It had been a fairytale. Maybe, there could be one more. But right now, this is me, this is my dark tale. I’m too consumed by hate right now to see past the blurred lines of vengeance.
Who am I, you ask? Well, let me tell you.
I’m Knox Ambrose: the MMA fighter better known as Assassin. I will assassinate you in the ring and in the bedroom.
Women fall at my feet.
I fuck them hard, raw and unforgiving. I shatter them and leave them on a hotel room floor, to pick up the broken pieces of their soul.
It’s who I am: broken. I could never be what they want me to be. I pull them under to save myself. I won’t save you. I can’t save you. Can you save me?
This is the ride or die story of what happens when a man is pushed beyond all his bounds.