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Sarah-Jane
I look out of the window as we drive, running my index finger over my split lip. I flinch as it catches the dried blood every time I go to speak or smile, it re-opens. I run my fingers over my neck. I know where every spot, mark, lump and scratch is. I examined my body closely in the shower this morning. That had stung, not only my wounds but my soul. Never have I ever felt so dirty and unclean, scared or humiliated. I had tried to scrub my body clean, but all I did was wash memories to the surface and aggravate the marks more.
I watch the trees, houses, stores and even people flash by as he drives us across town to the gated community that holds the secrets of our home. He pulls in, entering the pin to the gate after I tell him it. I take a deep breath as I try to prepare myself for what’s to come. The sharp pain that rakes through my body causes my eyes to water. Knox places a hand on my thigh, “It’s going to be ok. I’m here.” He is so calm and attentive.
Pulling to a stop, he gives me a reassuring smile as we exit the car. Walking up the steps, I push at the door. Looking up, I send out a silent wish to my brother for daddy not to be home. Mom is so much more chill and understanding when he’s not there. My mom is in the kitchen. Her head is in a glass of gin by the looks of it. Great, just what we need. Walking over, I wrap my arms around her sad frame, holding as tight as my sore trembling body can handle. She brings her hand up to my wrist patting it, moaning out, “Hello darling.”
“Mommy, I have someone for you to meet,” I say into her hair. “Mom, before you turn around can you promise me not to freak out? I kinda look a bit worse for wear.” My nerves are sitting in my stomach, anxiously rolling around.
“That will explain why I had a phone call from a young man saying you and Tammy were fine.” She says it so calm and composed. I’m confused. I step back, as she pushes herself up from the table, raising her eyes to my face. She gasps, tears welling in her eyes. My heart drops. She steps forward to touch my lip, before lowering her eyes to my neck, running her fingers down to the marks there, pulling me into her embrace. That’s when she cries.
I cry with her silently, letting the tears fall, holding my ribs with my arm, “I had a slight mishap last night. I’m ok though, but I can’t go to school till I’m better. Daddy won’t want me out and about looking like a hot mess,” I blurt it all out in a rush. I take a breath, it stings, “Is he here?” I ask her.
“He’s not here. He’s left for some business trip back to Seattle, I think.” She turns and gestures to Knox for him to sit. “I’ll fix some ice tea, shall I?”
“Mommy sit. I’ll get it,” I say, walking to the fridge as she introduces herself to Knox. She has a smile plastered over her face. It’s the fake one that hides her true pain. But as they talk, I see the real one coming to the surface as Knox works his charm. They sit down and the chatter continues as they cover a range of topics, until I sit down and remind them of the elephant in the room. Me, my face, my body; last night’s events.
Knox looks at my mom, touching her hand kindly. He looks back at me before saying, “We have a lake house out at Cayuga Lake, not far out of Aurora. It’s quiet. Not too many go there this time of year. The people there keep to themselves. It’s beautiful. If you don’t mind, I’d like to take Sarah-Jane there to recover without the judgment of this town and its people, including her father. She seems so afraid of his reaction,” he speaks so confidently to my mother. I smile up at him. I feel so protected with him, it’s weird we’ve only just met.
“It’s more what the community he’s in will think. If that’s what you would like to do, I see no problem with it,” my mother says, placing my hand inside her delicate, shaking one. She looks into my eyes before saying, “Darling if that’s what you would like? Then go, heal. He wouldn’t notice if you were here anyway. He barely notices anything two feet in front of him these days.” My heart breaks as pain and sadness fill her eyes. She pushes herself up and looks at us both, before thanking Knox and she excuses herself. “So, nice to meet you but I have a slight headache. I shall retire to my room,” she pulls me into her arms and whispers into my ear, “Ring me, sweet girl, when you are there. I love you beyond all else.”
“Love you the best,” I whisper following her up the stairs to pack.
Running my hands through my hair over my temple, my head is still fuzzy. I don’t really know what to pack so I just throw in a few nice dresses, sweats, t-shirts, shorts, jeans and a few pair of shoes to go with them, PJs and a jacket and we are good to go. I change out of Knox’s clothing, bringing them up to my nose and breathing him in. I chuck them into the top of my bag for him and, well, me too. Looking in the mirror one last time, I shudder at the angry marks spotted over my face and neck. My eye is still half closed with a massive red-blue-purple ring forming around it. Shaking the gross vision of myself from my head, I head back down the stairs. He’s waiting for me at the bottom. He grabs my duffle bag from me. I breathe out as the weight of it leaves my body. “Thank you,” I say, looking into his eyes before heading out to the car, my hand in his.
The drive out to Cayuga Lake is easy. I sleep on and off before we pull into Aurora. The sun is setting over the lake. It’s so stunning. The light dances in bright reds and oranges as the water ripples out from the edge, disappearing into the centre and starting all over again. Winding down my window, I let the freshest air I have ever felt, fill my lungs. I swallow down the pain in my ribs as the cool air kisses my lungs. It is so refreshing. Thinking over the idea of spending the night together, it’s going to feel a little weird. It will be a test to us both as we have never really been like this before. We have kind of been thrown together. I wouldn’t change it, but I am so nervous. I think he senses it as his leans over and rests his hand on my knee. I smile down at his hand and squeeze it with my own. “It will be ok,” he tells me calmly as we pull up the drive of the most beautiful lake house. It sits on top of a hill that looks out over the stunning lake, which now has the moon dancing on its surface, in place of the glorious sun that, not long ago, kissed the moon goodnight and travelled around the world to brighten another place. Pulling to a stop, he opens his door before running around to my side of the truck. He opens it, giving me his hand and pulling me up and out into the soft warm night’s air.
“It smells beautiful here,” I tell him as I look over the lake.
“It sure does. Come on,” he pulls me up to the front steps. I take them slowly because I’m so stiff and pained. I’m blown away as I enter the house. It’s so cute, ceiling to floor windows so that you can see the lake below and big comfy couches. I plonk down onto one and it’s like falling into a marshmallow. I feel so at ease and comfortable right away and so sleepy as I lay my head back dreamily and watch as Knox goes about opening and shutting things, unpacking the food his Nan had packed for us. He hums as he goes. It’s freaking adorable watching him; I feel so peaceful given the events of the last twenty-four hours.
As the night goes by, I begin to feel better physically but mentally it’s still there; haunting me, cutting through my sleep as I doze on the couch, his eyes assault my sleep as the dark comes his hot breath finds my dreams and his touch attacks my subconscious, I’m fully aware that he isn’t here and he can’t hurt me but my mind the parts of my soul that he broke hasn’t quite caught up and with this realization terror and hot flushes follow. I can’t escape what happened as the walls of my brain bleed into the hallways of the nightmare that was Dan. I wake sweating shaking and searching my surroundings for danger but all I find is Knox pain lacing his eyes and concern etched deep over his features. His fists are clenched around a bowl off hot soup his knuckles white I pull my sore body up shackled with pain and fear for I know it hurts him and I can’t do a single thing to help him with his inside soul battle as im trying to stay afloat myself. Time will hold the key to free us from this burden and nightmare. I take the soup from him my hands brushes his lightly as I look into his eyes, I hold my head high as I will not allow him to see the pity for myself wash over my eyes. “Thank you.” I breath out “I’m going to shower.” Is all he says his tone is cool I watch him walk from the room as I set the soup down on the table.r. I breathe in my new surroundings in. It’s peaceful and quiet here. Pulling myself up from the sofa that has more or less swallowed me up, I walk towards the French doors. I unlatch them and walk out onto the deck, looking out over the still calmness of this magnificent lake. I still as I hear footsteps coming up behind me. His massive arms come to rest on the deck either side of me as the wind sends his intoxicating smell to me. I close my eyes and relax, falling back into his arms as we just stand there for what feels like forever until I shiver as the late night’s wind kisses my bare arms and sends goosebumps rippling over my skin. He runs his hands over my arms, leaving little firefly kisses in their wake. A smile plays at my lips as he scoops me up, pain washes over me from his grip around my body as gentle as it is my body is still so sore. “Bed with you, babe.” He leads me back into the house, flicking the lights as he goes. He stops to pull a bottle of water from the fridge and a packet of Advil from a cupboard. He carries on up the stairs to the master bedroom which shocks the shit out of me as we enter it. It’s freaking massive and the bed is freaking huge. Placing me down gently, he pulls open my bag. He pulls out his top and glances at it curiously before smiling as he looks at me. He walks over my body still as my cheeks flush and I hold my breath his hands find the sides of my tank top his fingers latch around the hem and slowly undresses me not a single word goes between us just his delicate movements and the heat from his touch warms my chilled skin his eyes flicker over the bruises and the scraps my eyes flicker closed for a few moments as he slips my bruised body into his shirt before pulling back the covers. He lays me down and kisses my forehead, “Sweet Dreams, Angel. I’ll be just here,” he points to the chair by the window.
“You’re not sleeping in here?” I ask as I pat the bed. “It’s big enough for like eight people,” I tell him with a smile. Nerves fly through my body like a dancer in a cage.
“Not tonight, babe. You need to rest and I don’t think I trust that I won’t do rather inappropriate things to your sweet body.” I could only watch him as he walks away. I’m left with just his words hanging in the air between us as this bed sucks me in and down into a sleep that is filled with dark dreams and the evil eyes of Dan Johns. But, bad dream after bad dream, Knox is right there with me, bringing me back to the now, to him.
The first two nights, he sleeps in the chair by the window, watching me and the house below. It takes all I have to convince him that it is ok to sleep in the bed with me on the third day of being in this paradise. He finally caves in and says that he will sleep in the bed. My face breaks out into a face shattering grin. I love having him close by but that night, he sleeps like a stone, not daring to move one bit in case he hurts me, and on top of the blankets too. Silly man but I won’t lie and say that it feels amazing knowing that it’s not just sex and my body he wants he actually cares and his feelings run deeper than just a lay. . The next night, I get him to sleep under the covers and I instantly feel safer and calmer, snuggling down with him, wrapped in his strong arms all night long at last.
The days fly by and, before I know, it is dinner time on their fifth day at the lake. We make it together. I’m healing nicely, still tender and blue around the edges but at least I’m on the mend. We eat dinner out on the deck in the slowly setting sun, looking over the lake. He looks at me, “You think you’ll be up for a walk around the lake?”
“Yes, I’d love to,” I reply excitedly, happiness lacing my voice. It will be nice to get out and just walk around stretch and ease some of this pain in my body. Knox makes me feel so special just by the smallest gesture of a walk, the simplest smile or look a small touch of his hand sends butterflies through me he keeps the dark at bay and the helps to ease the nightmares.
“Great! There’s something that I want to show you and today’s the best day to see it,” He picks up our empty plates before heading inside to put them in the sink. He returns with my jacket and Nikes, a water bottle and a blanket under his arm. He leans down to put my shoes on and laces them up.
“You know that I can do that,” I tell him.
“Yep but I can too, and I just did. Let’s go,” he offers me his hand before he pulls me up and wraps my jacket around my shoulders as we head off towards the lake. The small stones crunching under our feet as we walk hand in hand. We are so comfortable around each other, it’s unreal. He’s seen me at my worst and lowest; the scars, the bruises and marks still vivid in our memories and splashed all over my body but not once does he look away from them or me as night after night he changes me into his T-shirt to sleep in and then helps me dress in the morning. It felt odd at the start but now it’s a sensual act that my body and mind look forward to each and every day. It also looks forward to the night time snuggles on the sofa, watching old school movies like Dirty Dancing, which is my all-time favourite.
We come around the side of the lake and pass the cutest little jetty. There is a small garden area that sits just up the bank with wooden benches and, from inside, the lake and the little village is visible. Stepping up into the garden area into this tiny little bush-like setting that wraps around the back and sides of the seating.
“It’s stunning here,” I say quietly.
“Just wait till the sun sets,” he tells me as I look up at him. He takes my hand into his own, pulling me in closer. I lean my head on his shoulder and relish in this moment. Just as the sun dips down for the night and the moon starts its journey into the night’s sky, I watch as the stars start to pop up and the little solar lights ping on around the lake and garden. Before I can say anything, there is a buzz of noise around us as these tiny fireflies leave the bushes and head out around us, dancing in the sky and over the lake in the most exquisite sight I have ever seen as they fall into a soft haze of togetherness.
He breaks my train of thought by tipping my chin up and laying the softest kiss on my lips, running the tip of his tongue over the split that has all but healed before he slides his tongue into my mouth, as mine reaches out to meet his. Enjoying the thrill of excitement, it brings my body, I cup my hands around his face as his find my back, pulling me deeper into him. I gasp into his mouth as the movement hurts my still tender ribs. He stops, breaking the kiss, he breathes out, breathless against my lips, placing his forehead to mine, “I’m so sorry babe.”
“It’s fine,” I say, looking into his eyes as sadness washes over them. We fall back together and watch the night time sky light up with the hypnotic dance of the fireflies reflecting off the lake. As the wind picks up, they all seem to head back into their bushes and we head back to the house. Knox wraps the blanket around me and his big strong arms hold me tightly. I try hard not to grimace. I hate how he backs off when he thinks he’s hurting me. I want him to hold me.
Come bedtime, he does his nightly ritual; water, Advil, undressing me and redressing me in his shirt. As he lays me back down in the big, soft bed, he walks around the other side. Watching him with hungry eyes as he takes off his jeans and pulling his shirt off, I gasp as I see just how defined his body is, the way his muscles sit like he is chiselled out of marble. I lick my lips as he turns to face me in just his boxers. His package draws my attention as it appears front and centre in my line of sight. It looks big as it fills out his boxers. He, ever so gently, lies down next to me. No doubt he won’t move an inch all night. He makes me smile so hard I feel as though my jaw could crack.
Waking in the morning, I smile as I look over at his still sleeping body. Ever so carefully, I pull myself from the bed and head down to the kitchen. I’ll make breakfast today.
Humming away to myself as I make eggs and bacon, I feel him lay a kiss on the back of my neck. “You are doing what?” he asks me, likes he’s blind to the fact.
“Cooking,” I say with a giggle as his hands wrap up in the shirt I am wearing. He pulls my hips back into him. Staying like that as I cook makes me laugh. With every step I take, his body follows, “I love a woman that cooks,” He breathes into my ear.
“You’re super distracting,” I chide him as I push my bum back into him. “Go sit down outside. I’ll bring this out in a few.” He lets go, huffing out as he leaves, throwing his hands up in the air.
“Fine boss,” he says as I chuckle at the eggs.
For the first time since Brad died I feel alive. Watching him eat his breakfast, I think about how much he worships the ground I walk on, always wanting to help me, lift me, carry me. It brings a smile to my face and joy to my heart. I have the love I have always wanted, longed for, the marks are slowly fading, the sores healing and I have him.
His grandparents, Kash, Jamie and Tammy come out at the weekend. They are all amazing and treat me with so much love and kindness. I am happy to see Tammy to have a girl to talk to and chill with. She knows first-hand just how difficult it is to have the type of parents we have and the social expectation. Plus, to what the jock quad just did to us both. Dinner is fun, watching the men all cook out over the open grill and arguing loudly over the right way to cook meat. I grin observing how at ease Knox is with the people he loves, not to mention the way his Nan watches them all with such love and pride in her eyes.
They all say I’m the first girl to have ever captured Knox’s heart. He hates it when they talk like that; he says it makes it hard to keep up the bad boy image he has going on. It makes me smile and silently chuckle though, because I know what he’s like when it’s just us; so damn sweet, with walks down to the lake fingers entwined and paddling in the warm evening water, cuddling on the couch, talking about everything and anything. Tammy and I spend a lot of time chatting away while walking around the lake. We enjoy cooking smores at night time bonfires, watching the fireflies all together. We even go into the village to the Sunday markets and buy silly little things. Novelty gifts and touristy items to remember our time here.
The weekend is truly magical, I even get to quiz my bestie on her and Jamie. It appears they have gotten close since that night. He’s helping her heal too. Clarke took so much from her that night, luckily the boys had gotten there to stop the sick prick after she had passed out. She, at least, didn’t have to witness the beating Jamie laid down on the jerk. She is head over heels for Jamie, especially since he came to rescue her like a knight in shining armour and has been checking on her each day since. Jamie’s her very own bad boy in leather I smile as I catch him winking at her as she sits around the fire pit on his knee; his arm snakes protectively around her waist. She deserves this. Deserves to be happy with a guy that actually wants her, instead of wanting what she can give him.
It’s our last night here before we go back to reality tomorrow, back to life and questions, what fun. Pulling my still tender body into Knox, I wrap him in my arms tightly as we watch the fireflies dance in the air around the flames, cementing this to my memory as one of the most magical times in my life.
Once home we settle back into an easy flow of being together, falling back into a routine at school. The looks we both get are overwhelming at the start, flagging them off is easy as long as Knox is here by my side, holding me tight, whenever Dan, Clarke and the jock squad come near us. Walking the halls alone is hard and daunting, I’m worried I will run into them. I feel their eyes burn into my skull during lunch, and, in class, it’s hard to escape them. I hold my head high, showing them that my heart is not about to explode at their very presence. It’s not easy. They seem to sense it. When we have PE, they seem to pick on me; smirking, snickering, throwing balls, mud, you name it, at me. I refuse to allow their hate to ruin me so I push on. Knox spends a lot of time at home. Mom allows him to use our gym and pool to train with his Pa. Jamie ends up coming too so I get to see Tammy. Mom potters in the garden and kitchen with Erabella she has worked her magic on my mom and they have founded a great friendship on what was shitty circumstances. It has worked out well ok for everyone and the speed bump in the road has all but smooth over for now anyway, I am no fool I know that Dan won’t let it go as easily as I would like to forget it. To top it all off dad is here less and less, and Moms well mom sad and lonely the nights are the worst, but she really enjoys having young people around the house again. It’s so nice to see her smile and laugh. She always looks so sad.
I knew he wouldn’t have asked where I was. Mom told my dad I had been at a cheer camp with Tammy. How oblivious could one man be about his own flesh and blood? As if I’d ever go to cheer camp. I don’t know what to do. I really want to introduce him to Knox but I can’t deal with the aftermath of that meeting; I don’t want him to poison our love, our story. And he will. I know him. He will spin it into how he isn’t the right fit for the people that we are and the people we know and what we do. So, for now, I just won’t tell him. We only go to my place when he’s not home. When dad’s home we hang at Knox’s place and in the store. Erabella teaches me how to make the coffee that has become my life’s liquid. I’m sure it now flows through my body instead of actual blood. I also help with the baking of all the scrumptious Italian food Erabella sells in her little café inside the Hardware store. It really is a genius idea. It opens out to the side of the store to a little cobble stoned garden area that reminds you of the little side streets in Italy that you see in the pictures adoring the walls of the store. It’s always busy here, bustling with people and activity, the down to earth, easy, relaxing flow and chatter from Erabella makes it so inviting and people love coming here as its right away from town and just peaceful. I like to help out. They are so kind to me.
Along with helping in the store, Erabella teaches me how to cook Italian meals. She says, “We are Italian so you have to learn how the Italian women do it.”
I laugh each time she says it, it also gives me such a remarkable sense of belonging the love shared within this family is so unbelievable and they have done nothing but show me just how much the care for me. Which is amazing as Knox and I are close now, like super close. I feel like he’s who I’ve been waiting forever for, like he’s my match. Made just for me. We’re taking things slow and enjoying getting to know each other, we haven’t done anything but kiss. He doesn’t want to rush me after what happened.
God, I would love to forget that had happened all together! But I can’t its apart of who I am now and its been knitted into the fibre off my being. I am stronger now a little but timid and on edge at the same time I spouse it will always be at the back of my head the little nag of knowledge that a guy could have and would have fucked the rest of my life for what nothing but a quick ride and the bragging rights that comes with what banging a senator’s daughter.
I love to watch Knox train; his Pa is an amazing trainer. Often, we just chill. Kash is always studying or working in the store. Tammy hangs out with us quite a bit as Jamie is always here eating his body weight in food.
Knox has a big fight this coming weekend. I’m so worried about it. He says that it will be ok but I’m not too sure I like the idea of someone hitting that god-like face and making him bleed.
I’ve started to run track at school. I find it soothing. I have always enjoyed running and I’ve started running with Knox. He was the one to talk me into running track. My dad loves that I’m doing it; it’s good for schooling and his image – his daughter, a star on her school’s track team. I’m not doing it for him, but what the hell? It keeps him happy and away from asking questions. It also gives me more time with Knox and that’s always a bonus.
Doing laps of the track field at school, I spot Knox and Jamie sparring and Tammy laying back in the sun on the grass facing them. My heart skips a beat each time as I jog over, starting to cool my muscles down. I grab my sweat towel and bottle of water before I plonk myself down next to the cheer captain, who has become my best friend. “Hey you,” I say catching my breath.
“Hey you back,” she replies, her eyes not leaving her man.
“In love, are you?” I ask with a tad of humour in my voice.
“Maybe? He’s freaking hot, isn’t he?” she responds with pure pleasure rolling off her tongue for him. I smile at her, flicking my water at her, she lets out a squeal as I laugh.
“If you’re into that I suppose,” I laugh as she hits my arm.
“Well you can talk, take a look at your caveman.” We both fall back in giggles, bringing our arms up over our eyes to shelter out the sun. We fall into a comfortable silence as the sun soaks into our skin.
I must have dozed off. When I wake, Knox is laying over me in all his bulk. “Hey baby.”
I love the way baby rolls off his tongue.
“Hey,” I say back while wrapping my arms around his sweaty body. “Tammy and I are going to head out for coffee after this, you wanna come?” I tilt my head so his face shields it from the bright sun.
“Na babes. Jamie and I have got to do a few things. I’ll catch you up later,” with a fleeting kiss to my lips, he jumps up, pulling Jamie from Tammy. “Come on lover boy, shit to do.”
Tammy pouts, throwing my now empty bottle at them. Laughing, I pull her up, “let’s go. I need to shower.”
“I’ll meet you at the coffee shop, SJ,” she replies as I lean down to grab my towel.
“Sure, thing. Give me thirty minutes,” I say as she walks backwards from me with a smile on her face.
“Enjoy ya shower,” she winks at me. I shake my head at her weird reply. Why would she say something like that?
In the shower, my mind wanders to Tammy and the talk she wants to have about her and Jamie. Why he is the way he is, all hard ass busting balls, brash, oh what fun.
Stepping out from the shower, I pull the towel down, wrapping it around myself as I walk over to my locker. I open my locker, laughing to myself that that girl has a slim to no chance of ever understanding Jamie. I barely manage to understand Knox.
A love heart shaped balloon floats out of my locker when I open it. I jump, startled and notice that on the end is a note tied to a little white dove.
To my Angel,
Be ready at our meeting place at 9pm on Friday, for a night of fun, love, and laughs. Pack an overnight bag...
Xoxo
-K
OH, MY GOD! My heart is pounding right out of my chest. After dressing at lightning speed, I run off to tell Tammy that I can’t do coffee. I have to get ready for Friday night. Finally, the night I have dreamed of is about to become a reality. I have never felt so nervous. In just twenty four short hours my soul will belong to Knox forever, just like my heart. The only thing we have to do is get through the fight tonight. There will be six big fights and Knox is the first up. I’m so scared. I feel like I will puke at just the thought of it.