It was sometime after midnight when I came awake to the grumble of thunder. The living room was icy enough that goosebumps broke out all along my arms and I shivered, stumbling from the couch to close the sliding glass door to the porch, effectively shutting out the cold draft. It had not yet started raining, though the scent of it was heavy in the air. On second thought, I grabbed the blanket from the back of couch, where I’d fallen asleep yet again, and wrapped it around myself, then headed out onto my solo chair near the railing.
I curled up and watched the sky; even in the darkness it was fearsome-looking, an anvil cloud suddenly backlit by a sizzle of lightning. I shivered again, wrapping more securely into the blanket. Thunder growled, ever increasing, as though a vindictive giant was dragging its feet in the direction of Jalesville, intent on smashing it apart. I thought of sitting on the dock at Shore Leave, with Ruthann and Clint, watching storms roll across Flickertail Lake, pock-marking the water and creating whitecaps. I had always found a thrilling joy in the sound of thunder; something within me that longed for danger found it appealing.
Case.
I curled arms around my knees and let myself acknowledge who I truly wanted to be thinking about, knowing there was no point in doing otherwise.
Are you awake right now?
I wish you were here with me right now.
I want to be in your arms.
I thought of how I’d touched him last weekend, around the fire, how I had put my fingertips on his back, the way he’d held my forearm in his hands just today. I thought of breathing the scent of him from his shampoo bottle, his t-shirt, the insanity of that.
Oh God, Case, come over here. Please, just come be near me.
Tish.
Where is this coming from?
Was it loneliness? Lack of physical contact? Maybe this meant I needed to get back to Chicago that much more quickly. That perhaps after the bar exam next week I could find an excuse to stay there, in the city…
Oh, God…
No…
I pressed my fists to my eyes just as another crackly burst sounded off, much closer this time. I held that pose for long moments, blocking my vision, longing for him when again I recognized with sterling clarity that I had no right. Not when I was returning to the life I was supposed to live, come the end of summer. And then I suddenly realized something and sat up straight, crackling with awareness.
He’s close…
He’s close to you, right now.
I knew this, just as I had known Tuesday night that I would see him before this Friday at the Rawleys’ house. I sprang to my feet and leaned over the railing, peering into the night, lit only by a lone streetlight on the far side of the parking lot. Rain began striking the ground then, lifting the sharp scent of dust. My heart echoed the increasing intensity of the thunder as I scanned the darkness; did I actually expect him to come walking with that sexy, shoulder-shifting stride, to just beneath the balcony, like a modern-day Romeo?
Oh God, that would be so amazing…
I heard the sound of an engine then and my heart beat a fierce tattoo against my ribs; from my vantage point on the porch, I couldn’t see the vehicle, which was undoubtedly one of my Stone Creek neighbors anyway. I spied taillights then, and though I had no idea if the truck was Case’s, it was indeed a truck. It drove away from the apartment complex and then back towards Jalesville, just as rain began sheeting. I stayed put, watching, pretending that it was Case, out driving, checking on me maybe. Just as restless in the middle of the night, dying for any excuse to see me.
You’re flattering yourself and it’s ridiculous.
I sank back to the chair, wrapping into my own arms, which were cold, cold comfort when I longed for someone else so badly. I thought of everything I had learned about Case since arriving here, since we had reentered each other’s lives. I thought of the things he’d told me. How he stood up for what he felt was right. The way I felt molten all through my center just picturing his face. I thought of his lonely trailer, his barn full of animals that he so obviously loved. How he played his guitar and his fiddle with such quiet passion.
I hugged myself all the harder.
And even knowing all of these things about him, he still confused me terribly. There were times, like today, when I was certain he was just as attracted to me, that desire pulsed through him, just as it did through me at the mere mention of him. In the next moment he came across as though he was trying to convey to me that he was concerned about me the way an older brother might be, a friend.
Do I want his friendship?
Yes.
But, oh God, it’s so terrible of me, but I want a hell of a lot more than that. It’s insane. I have no right to want anything more.
Case.
I repeated his name, whispering it aloud so that I could feel it on my tongue, could taste it in my mouth. I thought of him telling the story of the first girl he’d ever kissed and as unreasonable as I was at present, I was unthinkably jealous of her. I could hardly even manage to acknowledge that another woman had already been married to him, had been pregnant with his child. And she had left him. Clark said they fought a great deal; could there have been a deeper reason?
Don’t even, Tish, you’re wrong.
Go to bed.
It was raining so hard that there was splash-back on my face as I sat there, even under the ceiling that formed the bottom of the balcony on the floor above mine. I let the rain strike me, holding myself as hard as I could, and still it wasn’t even half enough.
***
I spent Friday at the law office with two tasks in mind. First, I looked into the closing of Highland Power. Second, I asked Al about this alleged Yancy ancestor, former landowner in Jalesville. Al told me that I should visit the courthouse on Monday, when Records Office was open. He said it was a musty basement room but it contained microfiche files for all of the newsprint articles that had been published in the greater Jalesville area since 1893, when the town had been founded.
“Microfiche?” I repeated.
“I know, you’d think it was three decades ago down there,” Al joked.
“No, it’s not that I’m complaining. I’m just surprised. I’m embarrassed to admit that I don’t know how to use that type of machine,” I told him. My eyes swept up to the clock, which I had been checking all day.
Four hours until I can see him, I thought, drawing a breath.
Al was giving me a strange look when I glanced back at him, but he refrained from commenting. Instead he said, “I was going to ask you to come in for a few hours tomorrow to help me do inventory, but now I’m rethinking. You look exhausted, counselor. I’ve been working you too hard.”
“Al,” I reprimanded. “No such thing. And I’m happy to come in tomorrow. What time?”
“I’ll bring us leftover chocolate cream pie, Helen Anne is just making some as we speak,” he promised. “Maybe four or so hours. You’re my angel, kiddo, no kidding. Let’s say about two or so?”
“I’ll be here,” I said. “You can count on me.”
Driving home two hours later, I gripped the steering wheel tightly and let pure anticipation spike through my blood. I would see Case and tonight we were staking out his property. I kept picturing us in black jumpsuits, with guns strapped to our hips, prowling through the foothills. I giggled then, realizing that I did not care one bit how we looked or what we did exactly, as long as it meant I could be near him.
At my apartment, I dressed in my darkest jeans and a black t-shirt, then grabbed a dark sweatshirt to bring with. I left my hair loose (your hair is beautiful, all down like that may have been echoing in my head), and allowed one concession to femininity in a pair of small silver hoop earrings. I slipped into socks and my heavy-duty hiking boots, and then drove too fast to Clark’s.
I pulled in and saw Wy hanging on the corral fence, lavishing both his horse Oreo and Buck with attention. My heart tripped over itself to see this evidence of Case having already arrived, and I put the car in park and nearly skipped to the fence.
“Hey, Tish!” Wy said brightly as I joined him. He was wearing his cowboy hat and I grinned happily at him, taking Buck’s face between my hands and rubbing him with affection.
“They like it when you blow your breath into their noses,” Wy explained with an air of all-knowing. “See, like this.” He leaned and blew gently into Oreo’s face and the horse nickered quietly and bumped her nose lightly against the boy. Wy ordered, “Now you try.”
I giggled a little and said to Buck, “I hope you don’t mind, buddy,” before pursing my lips and directing a breath between his nostrils, still holding his jaws in both hands. He whooshed air back at me and nudged my face, as though giving me a kiss, and I laughed all the more.
“Now he’ll never forget your scent,” Case said, from just behind me, and my heart detonated like an explosive charge.
I turned to look over my shoulder at him, unable to keep from smiling radiantly. He was hatless, in a black t-shirt and his customary faded jeans. Sunglasses hanging again from the collar of his shirt. I swallowed hard at the sight of him, not quite able to reply, and he said, “You found your hiking boots.”
“Why, are you hiking somewhere?” Wy asked, hooking his elbows over the fence and leaning forward. “Like, into the mountains?”
My gaze flashed at once to Case, who seemed to be telling me something specific with his eyes, radiating with a sense of subtle excitement. By unspoken agreement, neither of us mentioned our plans for later in the evening. Slightly breathless, I said to Wy, “No, I just got sick of wearing inappropriate shoes all the time.” Everyone else was out back, I could hear them, and on inspiration I said to Wy, “Hey, will you grab me a drink?”
“Sure,” he said at once. “What’ll you have?”
“My usual, but not quite so strong,” I told him.
Wy darted inside and immediately I asked Case, “What is it? I can tell there’s something…”
His grin deepened and he said, “You had the same thought as me, about the ninja look,” and he nodded at my black shirt and dark jeans; his eyes stroked over my breasts very subtly, but it was enough that my nipples tightened into gemstone-level hardness and my very vivid dream from Tuesday night came flooding to the forefront of my thoughts. He was already looking back at my eyes, but there was a flash of heat in his, intense heat that burned straight to my toes.
“What else?” I asked softly, knowing there was more. I was stroking Buck’s neck as though it was Case’s chest, I suddenly realized, and stilled my hands.
“I was going to say that after supper, we can meet at my place. It’s less than a ten-minute ride by horseback. I’ll head out when you do. And I found something just this afternoon, out by that rock,” he said, coming closer and putting his hands on Buck’s neck, on the opposite side. He patted his horse, our eyes holding steady, and my heart was frantic with the need to be pressed to his. He said, “It’s the strangest thing. Someone was digging out there.”
“Digging?” I repeated.
He nodded and said, “I took Buck for a ride out there and explored all around, like a kid, not exactly expecting to find anything. But then, near the base of the rock, I saw that the earth had been turned. I could tell. A couple of scrubs uprooted. And there were boot prints, not my own.”
“Did you grab a shovel?” I asked, ready to drive straight over there and put one to use. My imagination was firing on all cylinders. “Do you think they buried something? A body? Maybe Derrick had someone killed —”
Case didn’t make fun of me, didn’t scoff or so much as laugh. He said, “I felt the way I used to when we were kids, Garth and me trying to find mysteries to solve, the legend of the gold all up in our heads. But Tish, I don’t think they were burying something. I think it was that they were —”
“Unburying something,” I finished. Then it struck me and I absolutely babbled without thinking, “You said my name.”
He looked hard at me then, intently, and I was not imagining the flush over his cheekbones. He knitted his eyebrows and I suddenly realized I threw him into a tailspin just as much as he threw me. His voice was soft as he contradicted in his deep voice, “I’ve said your name.”
“Not ‘Tish,’” I disagreed. I couldn’t have torn my eyes from his for the promise of all the gold buried in the foothills through all of Montana.
His eyelashes lowered for a second but then he looked back at me, Buck’s long nose the only thing between us, and our invisible connection sizzled and throbbed, stronger than ever. I knew he felt it, even if he wouldn’t acknowledge it, not yet. I studied his eyes and had the strangest flash of what felt like a memory – Case coming to me while I sat up high on a wagon seat, his shoulders near my ankles. His hand gliding up my leg, under layers of my long skirt, his eyes burning into mine. The strength of this vision was like a striking fist.
Oh God…
What was that?
Did I just have a Notion? I wondered, almost shuddering with its force. Like Aunt Jilly?
“Here you go!” Wy announced, popping back out the front door, a gin and tonic in hand.
“Thanks,” I told him, flustered, sloshing a little onto my hand as Wy passed it to me. I wiped my wrist against my thigh as we walked around the side of the house, to the porch. I knew that Case and I would have to shelve our discussion until later; I was dying to ask him if he’d had the sense of the wagon, of touching my leg, too…
Somehow I was sure the answer to that was yes.
Clark and Wy had spent the day smoking up about ten pounds of pork, and it smelled amazing. It was a full house tonight, all the girlfriends in attendance; I couldn’t help but pretend that Case and I were a couple too. I fantasized about this, watching him covertly. He and Clark talked near the grill for quite a spell, but Case would set his eyes on me every so often, just so, catching me straight in the center each time. Once he smiled, for only me, the kind of private and intimate smile that lovers exchange, and I lost complete track of what Sean’s girlfriend Jessie was saying; luckily she was a little drunk and didn’t exactly notice.
And tonight we were staking out his property. I still wasn’t entirely sure what this would entail; all I knew was that it meant I was allowed to spend extra time with him and I was greedy for every second. By the time dinner was over I was surely visibly resonating with excitement. When Clark asked if I wanted to play cards, which they were setting up even now, I said, with what I prayed was a casual tone, “I’m so tired tonight. I think I might head home.”
“You’ve had a busy week,” Clark allowed. “Come back for dinner tomorrow, if you have a craving for pulled pork sandwiches.”
I went on tiptoe to kiss his cheek, telling him with all sincerity, “Thank you.”
I bid everyone good-night, keeping my eyes from Case with every ounce of effort I possessed. In my car, which smelled deliciously of sagebrush now that I had a sprig of it on the dashboard, I drove with the radio off, through the gorgeous quiet night, out towards Ridge Road. The nearly-full moon was so distracting out the passenger window that I almost drove into the ditch before I reached Case’s house. I took it slowly and carefully through the yard, mindful of the animals; already Mutt and Tiny were crowding the car. I parked on the far side of the trailer; the chili-pepper lights were lit, throwing cheerful red-orange light in a circular splash across the yard.
The air was so still that I could hear the sounds of the fair back in Jalesville, tinkling music, the faint swell of delighted screams from people on a ride, and the sounds of someone speaking through a microphone, bouncing off the foothills and to my ears. I bent and hugged the dogs close to me, letting them lick my face. Cider came out of the barn to greet me and I went to her at once, climbing up the fence and throwing my arms around her neck. I kissed her nose and blew a gentle breath into her left nostril, murmuring, “Now you’ll remember my scent too.”
I kept near her, resting my forehead on her warm neck, the dogs jumping up my legs for attention. I closed my eyes and pictured Case out there in the night, riding towards me on Buck, coming closer even now. I shivered. Waves of heat sliced through me and I clung even more tightly to Cider, who nickered and let me hold her. I wasn’t sure how much time had passed before I heard hoofbeats thudding on the ground, matching the pace of my heart. And then there he came, riding into view.
“That is a hell of a moon,” he said, drawing Buck into the corral. He dismounted with a graceful motion and patted the big buckskin twice, then turned him loose. I could not tear my eyes away as he walked over and hung on the fence beside Cider, inside the corral. He looked at me and smiled a little, his face washed silver-white in the milky moonlight.
“It seems twice as big as I’ve ever seen it,” I agreed, my breath shallow, all charged up now that he was near. Cider belly-bumped him and he elbowed her firmly away, saying, “No crowding now, you know better.”
“I’m nervous, now that we’re here,” I admitted. I rushed on, “I mean, about finding anything out there.”
“Likely no one will even show up,” he said. “I wouldn’t let you come with if I thought it was going to be dangerous, I hope you know. And if we see or hear anyone, I’m calling the police, first thing. Our local sheriff is Travis’s dad, Jerry Woodrow.”
I asked him, softly, “Will we walk?”
Case was watching me intently and didn’t seem to hear my question; I promptly forgot what I had just asked. He was just on the opposite side of the fence, hardly more than an arm’s length away.
Oh God, kiss me, please, just one kiss so I have something to remember…
Oh God…
He blinked then and refocused his attention on Cider, rubbing her neck. He answered me with, “No, we’ll ride. I’ll saddle up Cider for you. She’s a little calmer than Buck, even though she’s younger.”
I nodded, not trusting my voice.
“You ready to ride?” he asked, low and soft.
Oh, if only you knew…if only I could tell you how I feel…what I want…
I nodded again and he pushed off from the fence with both hands. I followed him into the barn, not about to waste a moment in his presence; he clicked a couple of bare, overhead bulbs into life and I turned in a slow circle, admiring the space. It was large and cavernous, with a full loft loaded with bales of hay. I heard a muted clucking coming from somewhere beyond the stalls, one of which was occupied by Buck, crunching loudly on something as he intermittently stomped his back hooves.
“Can I see the chickens?” I asked excitedly, and Case, who was lifting a saddle from its holder, grinned and shook his head, teasing me.
“You really are a city girl, aren’t you?” he said.
I felt an uncomfortable twinge at those words, deep inside, but said brightly, “It’s not every day you get to see where eggs come from, firsthand.”
“They’re back here,” Case told me, leading the way. “I made them what amounts to a chicken coop.”
I followed close behind, studying the slope of his shoulders, taut now as he continued to carry the saddle, the way his red-gold hair caught the light, how the bottom edge, at the center of his neck, was shaped into a comma. The way his jeans fit just so; I was gazing at his back pockets when he stopped abruptly and I plowed into the back of him, putting my hands up to catch myself against his back.
Hard, warm, solid muscle beneath my hands, though I snatched them away as if I had just touched the surface of a stove. Case looked over his shoulder at me, shifting his grip on the saddle, but I had already composed my face into a look of polite interest, hands safely at my sides. He said, “There they are.”
“Do you have a rooster?” I asked, truthfully fascinated by all these animals. The hens were roosting in an enclosure surrounded by chicken wire, their feathers a combination of soft gold and black.
“No, just these three,” he said.
“Can you get eggs then?” I asked.
He snorted a laugh and I felt my face heat up a thousand degrees. He said, “Just not fertilized ones.”
I laughed then too, rolling my eyes at myself, embarrassed to meet his gaze. He laughed even harder, teasing, “Didn’t you take biology in school?”
“Well it’s been a few years,” I defended. I caught sight of the rabbit then, a floppy-eared gray one in its own cage, appearing asleep.
“Oh my God,” I said. “My twelve-year-old self just went to pieces.”
Case, still laughing a little, looked over at me and knitted his eyebrows, clearly asking what the hell I meant.
“I begged for a bunny that year,” I told him. “My birthday is right around Easter, so I thought it just might happen.”
“That’s Penelope. You can hold her if you want,” he said. “Just lift the latch on the top there.”
“Really?” I said delightedly. I stepped around him and opened the top, reaching carefully to scoop the bunny into my arms. She was about as big as Peaches, but a thousand times softer. She struggled at once, kicking with long back legs, so I set her back down; she immediately darted to the far side and turned her rear towards me.
“You’d think rabbits like to be cuddled, but they don’t,” Case said, as though in apology. He shifted the saddle again.
“Next time,” I said, supposing there was a next time.
Back under the night sky, Case whistled to Cider, who trotted directly to him. He saddled her up, me at his shoulder, observing intently. When he was through he asked, “Have you been horseback before?”
“Just once,” I told him.
“You’ll do fine. Just step light into the stirrup, on the left there,” he said, indicating. He stepped back to allow room, and I gripped the saddle with one hand on each of its curves, getting my boot into the dangling leather foothold. Cider jostled a little, nickering, and Case went to her face at once, taking it between his hands and speaking low to her.
“There’s a good girl, a sweet girl,” he murmured, while my insides sizzled and melted, by turns. I felt hollow again, ill at ease and aching with longing, no respite from it in sight. With determination I settled into the saddle but couldn’t get my other boot situated.
“I can’t quite reach the stirrup on the far side, but otherwise I think I have it down,” I said, and Case moved around Cider’s head, to the opposite side where he steadied the stirrup so that I could slip my boot into it; with the lightest of touches, he curled his right hand around the back of my calf, as though to help me, and fire torched instantly up my leg. I almost couldn’t repress a small sound. He didn’t look up at me and was in fact very still, though his thumb moved slowly up and carefully down, almost imperceptibly stroking me before he shifted into efficient motion, tightening something on Cider’s bridle, near her face again.
Beneath me, between my legs, the saddle felt as though it was vibrating.
“Here’s the reins,” he said, businesslike now, handing me the two leather straps that looped over Cider’s head.
I took them carefully into my hands, begging him silently, Look up at me, please, Case, acknowledge that you just touched me like that…
As though hearing my thoughts, he did look at me then, his eyes luminous in the moonlight, and my heart came close to pounding through my ribs. He explained quietly, “Hold them with just a little slack. I trained her myself, so she responds well. She’ll follow Buck and me pretty easily. Just say if anything is wrong, all right?”
“All right,” I whispered.
He said then, “You’ll get cold. Did you bring a sweatshirt or jacket?”
“In my car,” I said.
“I’ll grab it,” he told me, jogging to do so. He ducked into his trailer to get one for himself, while I patted Cider, rubbing her neck. She seemed all right with me on her back; I noticed that her ears twitched around like radar and she kept making little nickering sounds. She seemed to like lifting up her right front leg, then letting her body sink that direction. Was she trying to communicate with me somehow?
“Here,” Case said, handing up my sweatshirt.
“Thank you,” I told him, carefully slipping it over my head as he climbed atop Buck, looking so natural there, and brought the big buckskin to my side. Cider nosed at her brother and sidestepped; I overcompensated and tugged too hard on the reins.
“Oh shit, sorry girl,” I said, leaning to pat her neck. “I didn’t mean to do that.”
Case nudged Buck forward and curved his hand around Cider’s ear, stroking her. He said, “She’s just fine. Nothing you do could hurt her. Besides, she has to adjust to you too. Your weight is a lot lighter than she’s used to. No one but Gus or me has ever ridden her.”
“Not your wife?” I heard myself ask, then mentally cringed so deeply that my brain probably appeared as curled up as a cooked shrimp.
Without missing a beat, Case said quietly, “No, she wasn’t much for animals, one way or the other.”
I was dying to ask more about her, but wisely bit my tongue. Instead I asked, “Do you ride much at night?”
“I do. There is something about it,” he said, sitting so comfortably in the saddle. He looked so totally at home there and again, deep in my mind, I felt a stirring, a flickering. I thought of Camille and Mathias, how they believed that they had known each other before this life, in another. I was skeptical as hell about such things, teased her time and again. But here I sat, uncertain how to explain to myself that I had, inexplicably, ridden horseback with this man before tonight.
What in the hell?
I know this and even knowing this, it’s insane.
“Shall we?” he asked, ever the gentleman.
“You lead,” I invited, tightening my knees unconsciously around Cider, who lifted her feet as though about to start prancing.
We took it at a steady walk at first, on the wide left shoulder of the gravel road. There was enough room for the horses to walk abreast, though Case insisted that he and Buck take the outside, closer to the road. I felt so protected, marveling that such a simple gesture from him could cause this feeling to well up inside of me, fountain-like. Our knees, his left and my right, were very close as the horses plodded along, their hooves occasionally crunching gravel, though the shoulder was mostly softer ground.
“I was telling Clark the other night that the air out here feels wilder than back home,” I told Case, tipping my chin to study the sky. In the scope of this landscape, especially in the black of night, I felt tiny as a speck of dust. It was awesome in the truest sense of that word, inspiring complete awe.
I sensed his eyes upon me, though when I looked his way, he too was studying the sky. The moon was close to silver-dollar in the sky, lifting higher with each passing minute. It was spectacular, so immediate that it created within me the sense that I could actually reach up and get my hands around it.
“It is,” he said at last. “I haven’t been many other places in my life, I admit, but I’ve been away long enough to realize I can’t be away. Call me a redneck, but my heart shrinks up inside of a city.”
I thought of Chicago, the vast insanity and city-splendor sprawling in all directions. The place where I planned to live and work and spend the rest of my life after this summer. My voice was a little hoarse, but I could pretend it was from the crisp air as I replied, “I think if I’d been raised out here, I would completely agree.”
“You didn’t grow up in Landon, isn’t that right?” he asked. “But your family is all there now?”
“It’s kind-of a long story,” I said.
“I’m a good listener,” he promised.
“I grew up in Chicago,” I told him, my eyes roving over the dark landscape, the rock formations in the foothills gilded by the milky light of the rising moon. “I was fifteen the summer that Mom moved us to Landon for good, because my dad had been having an affair with a woman from his law firm. Actually, he’s married to her now, the woman I was talking about yesterday.”
“With the fake everything?” Case asked, and it sounded like he was smiling.
I giggled. “Yes, fake to her core. I don’t know, I guess my dad loves her. But that summer, ten years ago now, Mom brought us to Landon in May, much earlier than usual. She was in a bad place, even though I didn’t know it at the time. I mean, I didn’t completely know it. I was too young and immature. And besides, I loved it in Landon, where we went every July for a few weeks. Our family is there, and the lake, and all of the people we hung out with in the summer. I was glad to get done with school and go early.”
“Did you know your dad had a girlfriend?” Case asked.
“Not at the time,” I said. “I knew he and Mom fought a lot, but once we got to Landon I sort-of conveniently forgot about all of that and just had fun. My cousin Clint is my best friend in the world, even to this day.”
“He’s a good guy, I remember him,” Case said. “What’s he doing these days?”
“He’s a fireman in Landon. My old roommates thought he was so good-looking and always tried to convince me to get him to come to Chicago for the weekend. They wanted to seduce him ten ways from Sunday.”
Case teased, “And he never showed up? What the hell?”
I was laughing as I said, “No, he’s actually really shy. Plus he has the same attitude as you, about the city. He loves Landon too much to leave, even for the promise of a threesome in Chicago.”
Case said, “I know Mathias and Camille love it there too. Their cabin and all.”
“They do,” I agreed. “They’ve put so much work into their home. It’s gorgeous. You’ll have to see it someday.”
With me, I longed to say, but didn’t.
I thought of seeing Case after this summer, down the road, years from now…
Oh God…
He said, “I used to have this plan to build a cabin, get rid of that old trailer. It’s such a piece of crap. When Lynn lived there with me, after Dad died, she hated it so much. I wanted to build a beautiful place…I had this vision of it…”
I looked right over at him, unable to help myself, hearing the note of regret in his tone. I hadn’t, in my all-consuming vanity, considered that maybe he still longed for his wife. That maybe he wished she was still with him…
Jealousy absolutely stabbed my heart, creating gashes, sharp puncture wounds. It hurt so much that I had to lift my hand from the reins and press there, though I did so unobtrusively. Case was looking straight ahead anyway, not at me. I hated how he’d called her ‘Lynn’ in that tone of voice, thinking of the wallet-sized picture of them still in his kitchen.
I heard my own voice then, and I said with more asperity in my tone than was probably appropriate, “Well, I would bet that you still have this vision in your mind. What’s stopping you?”
He did look my way then, and his half-grin sent my aching heart now to pinwheeling. He said, “That’s a good point.”
“Clark said your family’s original homestead burned down, back in 1971,” I said.
He nodded affirmation of this. “Dad always claimed that it was an arson fire, but it was never proven one way or the other. Knowing my grandpa Spicer, it was probably a cigarette that got left unattended because he was shit-tanked drunk.”
“When had the house been built, originally?” I asked.
“Late 1880s, can you imagine? I’ve seen pictures. The original structure was smaller than what they’d added on over the decades. What a goddamn shame.”
“Is that why you don’t drink much these days?” I asked. Oddly, I felt as though I could ask him anything right now. “Because of your grandpa and your dad?”
“That’s the main reason. I used to drink all the time, thought I could handle it all right. I always used to wonder if Dad would have been a different man if he hadn’t been lost in the bottle all the time.” He paused and studied the distance before asking, “What am I saying? Of course he would have been different.”
“Did your mom love him?” I asked, quietly. I admitted, “Clark told me the story of how they married. I feel strange knowing that from someone else.”
“No, it’s all right. Everyone around here knows that story anyway.” He sighed a little and I wanted to touch him so much that the puncture wounds in my hand started throbbing again. He went on, softly, “My mom was like this beautiful, fragile little bird. My memories of her are so clear, even now. She sang to me. I was protective of her even then, but I was too little to do any good. Dad was mean as a fucking goddamn rattlesnake when he drank. I learned to avoid him. I don’t know how Mama ever could have loved him, even though she claimed she did.”
He’d called her ‘Mama’ unconsciously, I could tell, and tears were pulsing in my eyes and in the back of my throat.
Case continued, “After she died it was hell for a long time. I don’t know what I would have done without Clark and Faye. God, they’ve helped Gus and me so much I could never begin to repay them. And now Faye is gone too. Sweet Faye. Clark has never been the same since she passed.”
We had left Case’s homestead far behind. I blinked back tears as fiercely as I was able as I said, “I’m so glad you have him. All of the Rawleys. They’re such a loving family.”
“They are. It’s what I —” he cut himself off abruptly.
“What you…” I prompted quietly.
He looked off towards the far horizon, away from me for a moment, before he said, “What I always wanted.”
Oh Case…
Oh God, oh God…
Why are you making me feel this way?
I don’t understand…
I knew if I didn’t try to tease him I would start crying in earnest, but it came out sounding all wrong, “It’s not as though there isn’t time, you know. You’re not exactly an old man.”
He kept his eyes away as he said, “You tell it like it is, as I well know.”
Was that a jab or a compliment? I thought the latter, but I couldn’t totally discern from his tone. At that moment I caught sight of the T-shaped rock and said, “There’s the wizard.”
Case looked east, towards the rock and the rising moon. I felt a sizzling flash of that strange almost-memory sensation. He said, “It does have that look, doesn’t it?” He took Buck to the right and said, “Here, let’s cross the road.”
I led Cider directly after them, watching Case’s broad shoulders just ahead of me, again overwhelmed by the notion of riding double with him. Right now I would have given about anything.
Anything, I understood, and I felt horribly wounded, bruised somehow.
I thought of holding his shirt against my face, breathing the scent of him. I thought of the single pillow on his couch, the way our eyes had met time and again at the Rawleys’ house earlier this evening, the way he’d just cupped my leg with his strong hand. I thought of him singing and the way his hands curved around a guitar to draw forth music. He made it appear effortless. And the wounds inside of me ached.
Case and Buck cleared the gravel first and he drew lightly on the reins, waiting for Cider and me. Once we were beside them again, he said, “We’ll head straight over there. The ground is a little more uneven off the road, but Cider is used to it. You doing all right so far?”
“We’re just great,” I said, leaning forward to rub my right hand on Cider’s warm neck. The moonlight leached the color from everything around us, creating a surreal, otherworldly landscape. Buck nickered and tossed his head a little, sidestepping. Case caught the reins more securely and drew him back in line. Cider nosed Buck’s neck, whooshing her breath, and I couldn’t help but laugh. I said, “I think they’re plotting.”
Case said, “They want to run, but I won’t run them at night, especially not with you on Cider.”
“I could handle it,” I said, not intending to sound petulant, and I saw the way Case smiled at my words. Cider danced forward and I let her, straightening my spine.
“I have no doubt,” he said. “But it’s still dangerous. In the day, sometime.”
I could just picture Case riding full-out, Buck galloping beneath him; probably I could reach orgasm just watching.
Dammit, don’t think that word right now…
I drew a breath and determinedly shoved away my dream-images of Case holding me to his mouth, hands spread over my back and as I clutched his head to my breasts…
But they came flying right back.
“You’re on,” I said, and Case led Buck down the edge of the ditch and into the foothills.
Again we rode side by side, our knees in proximity but not touching, just like at the fair two nights ago, and there was a part of me that wanted us to keeping riding like this, for always. Just so I could be near him, close to him, riding horses beneath the moon and the vast, black night sky. It was so right. So right that I battled the urge to tell him so, to reach and touch his thigh, his forearm, both so close to my own. He rode with shoulders squared, hips relaxed, I could tell even from the corner of my eye, holding the reins casually with his right hand.
“Do you believe in past lives?” I asked, startling myself.
Case looked my way briefly, then back straight ahead. He said quietly, “I think I do. I can’t explain certain things otherwise.” He was silent for a second before asking, “What about you?”
“My Aunt Jilly believes in them, and my sisters,” I said.
“But what about you?” he asked and I felt like the entire landscape at once held its breath. I concentrated on my own breathing for a second. I wanted to tell him that I’d had a strange memory of him just earlier this evening – but likely that had been a product of my overactive imagination.
But I knew it wasn’t just that.
“I think I do,” I said. My voice seemed unnaturally hushed, out here. I peered upwards at the sky for the countless time, feeling the moon beam over my face, a pleasant and thoroughly familiar sensation; moonlight on my skin reminded me of swimming in Flickertail at night. I said, “Out here, especially, I can believe that they’re real. I was pumping gas the first night I got here, just outside Jalesville, and I had this sense of – I don’t know, exactly – a kind of recognition. Does that make sense?”
He said, “Perfect sense.”
I knew he wasn’t just saying that. I went on, so comfortable with him, “Thanks for letting me ride your horse. This is the best evening I’ve had in so long.”
Maybe ever, I acknowledged.
But I didn’t need to be that specific.
Case looked at me again, longer this time, and I meant to keep my gaze straight ahead, out towards the wizard rock, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking at him. He was bathed in moonlight, silver-white decorating the angles of his handsome face. I felt all the breath in my chest hitch and then lodge there, behind my breastbone.
“It’s my pleasure,” he said quietly.
“How’d you get this scar?” I asked, and then I touched his chin with the fingertips of my right hand.
He felt so warm even under my brief, faint touch, his chin slightly prickly with stubble, and it seemed as though everything within him had gone rigid for a fraction of a second, though his voice emerged calmly enough as he said, “Falling off a horse, back in third grade.”
I drew my errant hand back to my own territory and clutched Cider’s reins. I had to say something, even though my heart was cranking along hard enough that I almost couldn’t speak. I managed, “I bet that’s not like falling off a bike.”
“No, and I’ve fallen from a bike too, plenty of times,” Case said, and his voice was a little hoarse. He cleared his throat, a low, soft sound, before saying, “I wanted to ride my dad’s horse and she decided she didn’t want a rider just then. Dug her front legs into the ground and I sailed over her head. Bashed my face on the gravel and a piece went right into my chin.”
I wanted to touch his chin again, but this time with my mouth and my tongue, while my hands were on either side of his face.
Tish, stop this.
Stop.
I asked, “Were you at home when it happened?”
“I was, but I walked over to Clark and Faye’s, since I knew Faye would take care of me. Dad and Gus – he was just a toddler then – were both sleeping. That’s what made me think I could sneak off with Dad’s horse.” He laughed a little, at the memory. “That horse’s name was Whiskey Belle. Isn’t that great?”
I was stuck on the picture of him as a little boy, walking with blood no doubt dripping from his face. I demanded, “Were they home? Did Faye take care of you?”
I saw him nod. He said, “Faye picked the gravel out of my face and patched me right up. But my clothes looked ten times more like I’d committed a murder than your little gray skirt yesterday.”
We had come up to the base of the T-shaped rock and Case nudged Buck into a trot, taking the horse forward and then halting to dismount. He stooped towards the ground as though examining it, and I felt a rush of pure excitement even as I sat awkwardly, uncertain how to climb down. Damned if I was going to seem like a city girl, unable to figure out the process.
“Whoa,” I murmured to Cider, who seemed content to continue standing still. I leaned all my weight carefully in the stirrup on the right, then eased my left boot free. It didn’t seem all that difficult; I felt balanced, and brought my leg carefully over. Case had just straightened to his full height as I attempted to step down and my boot stayed stuck in the stirrup, while the rest of me kept going. I gasped and then heard Case make a sound of alarm, jogging to Cider and me just as I landed with an ungraceful thud, flat on my ass.
“Tish,” he said, concerned but also laughing, as though unable to help it. I’m sure I must have looked ridiculous. Before I could move to stand up, Case had one arm around my waist, helping me to rise. Cider snorted and shook her mane.
Oh God, I don’t care how stupid I looked, it’s worth it for this, I thought, held securely to him as he brought me to my feet. I was at once wreathed in the scent of him, his warmth and strength, ten thousand times better than holding his empty t-shirt to my face. I thought of how he’d looked that first day in the law office, how he’d looked singing on stage at The Spoke, how he’d appeared at the town meeting. I pretended to be a little unsteady even still, using my palms against his waist to brace myself.
You feel so good…oh God, Case…you feel so good.
“I would have helped you down,” he reprimanded lightly, still laughing a little. His hands were cupping my elbows and I was standing on two feet, unable to keep touching him. He smoothed his right hand down my forearm, just lightly, as he let go, and the thrill of sparks that this touch caused through my body almost took me back to the ground. He asked, “Are you all right?”
“Yes,” I all but snapped at him, and he grinned even wider.
“Next time wait for me to help you,” he said.
“I got it,” I bitched.
“Come on, I’ll show you where I think they were digging,” he said, unperturbed at my attitude.
“What about the horses?” I asked.
“They’ll stay put,” he said, leading the way. He paused at Buck’s nose and patted his neck, saying, “Won’t you, buddy?”
This close to the base of the towering rock formation I felt absolutely tiny. I followed close behind Case, craning my neck to peer upwards at the horizontal rock ledge far above us and then my head flowed with a rush of dizziness. My feet stilled.
I’ve been here before, I understood.
But when? How?
“See, this is where,” Case said, crouched a few yards from me, and absolute need to be close to him streamed through my body as though carried in my blood. I jogged and knelt at his side. He was in a half-crouch, his forearms braced on his thighs. As I practically skidded to a stop near him, he said, “See, there’s turned and re-turned earth all around here. What the hell?”
“How long has this rock been here?” I asked, and my voice sounded urgent. Case looked into my eyes and studied me with what seemed great deliberation.
“Ages,” he said at last. “Centuries, at least.”
“It’s a good marker,” I said. “A way to remember where you put something in the ground. Centuries could go by and it would never change.”
“That’s true,” Case said. “It’s got a permanence to it. That’s some of the reason we were always drawn to it as kids.”
“You think that maybe gold has been buried here?” I asked, staring right back at him. “Gold that Yancy knows about?”
“You’d think the bastard has enough money that he wouldn’t trouble himself, even if he did know,” Case said. “It’s a local story, infamous enough that he could have heard of it.”
“And he’s bored,” I said, with certainty, thinking of how he’d looked at me at the fair.
“That’s a good point too,” Case said. “This isn’t what he’s used to, and thank God people haven’t been rolling over and selling to him as quickly as he anticipated. But it means he’s stuck here for the time being.”
“We have to keep that momentum,” I agreed. “What’s the chance he’ll get tired of waiting and go back to Chicago? Some people can’t survive long outside of the city…”
I was actually thinking of Grace and Ina with that comment, but Case’s silent gaze told me that he figured that I was talking about myself. I opened my mouth to say otherwise when he suddenly murmured, “Headlights.”
Both of us looked back the way we’d come to see a vehicle moving along the access road, headed our direction. My heart kicked up another ten notches, this time in fear. Cider nickered and Buck stomped the ground, and Case and I rose immediately, as one; standing, my forehead was at his collarbones. Instantly, almost instinctively, Case put me behind him, angling protectively in front of me.
“Oh God, what should we do?” I asked, all jacked up at the sight of the headlights coming slowly towards us. And because he’d touched me again, however briefly. I felt sweaty and my clothes too tight. I desperately wanted to grab his arm and feel him beneath my hands, but I would not be a girl right now. I would not give in, no matter how good he smelled, so close to me like this. I inhaled a little more deeply.
Case said, his voice low and firm, “If these fuckers think they can come onto my land with no explanation, they have another fucking thing coming.” He tilted his head to look down and over at me, and a grin lifted one side of his mouth. He added, “Pardon my language.”
“Shit,” I muttered. “Now’s not the time to worry about that.” And then I straightened my shoulders and moved to stand beside him, rather than behind. The car was close enough now that I could tell it wasn’t the SUV from the first night. It was small, much like my Honda, and it hadn’t driven along more than fifty feet before Case suddenly relaxed and said, with annoyance and affection mingled in his tone, “It’s all right, it’s just Gus.”
“Your brother?” I said dumbly, disappointed that we weren’t going to confront Yancy or his dirty workers at this moment, under the moon-drenched sky. I’d been sort-of envisioning myself making a stand beside Case, the two of us together, like at the town meeting.
The car came to a halt and through an open window I heard Gus call, “Damn! You guys beat us here! Casey, what the hell?”
Lacy and Gus both climbed from the car then, and I looked up at Case in question. He was laughing a little, shaking his head.
I asked in surprise, stunned that he’d invite other people to our stakeout, “Were you expecting them?”
Jesus, Tish.
“No,” he said at once. He leaned closer to my ear to say, “They come out here sometimes to —”
“Make love,” I finished, interrupting him as understanding dawned. I didn’t sound at all bitter.
Case was studying me again, so close and so intently, that I dared not look at him. A thin trickle of sweat slipped between my breasts and over my belly in a hot line. Gus and Lacy reached us and they were both grinning and had probably each had a little too much to drink for any sort of driving.
“Shit, I didn’t know you two…” Gus let his voice trail off.
“We took the horses out,” Case explained, offering nothing more by way of explanation. He roughed up Gus’s hair and added, “And you shouldn’t be driving right now, little bro, I hope you know.”
“Hi, Tish!” Lacy chirped, her voice cheerful. She was pretty bombed, giggly and clinging to her man. I was so jealous at what they were coming to do that I felt fragile as an eggshell.
“Don’t you two have your own apartment?” I snapped at them, and they both started laughing.
Case was still watching me, but his face was unreadable in the moonlight. I couldn’t tell if he was even one-tenth as disappointed as I was right now.
Gus said, “We do. We just left Clark’s. Thought we might…you know…”
Lacy giggled and buried her face against his shoulder.
“But we’ll get going,” Gus said then, wrapping his arms around his girlfriend.
“Not driving, you won’t,” Case said. “You’re shitfaced. You should have called me for a ride.”
“Aw, Casey,” Gus wheedled. “I’m fine.”
I realized what had to be done and said, on a sigh, “I’ll drive you two back to the house. You can lead Cider, right?” I stared up at Case, willing him to show what he was feeling, that he too was smothered with disappointment right now. I could have punched Gus in the face for ruining this evening. What if I didn’t get another chance to hang out with Case, alone, before…
Oh God…
Before I leave this place for good…
The insidious feeling of desolation came creeping back into my soul.
“I can lead her,” Case said. I could not tell exactly what was present in his voice with those words.
Disappointment was so thick in my body that I could hardly get my feet going. I said to Gus and Lacy, “Let’s go,” with an edge in my voice that could have carved a Thanksgiving turkey. I somehow sensed that Case was smiling, behind us.
“I’ll see you at home,” he called, and though he was probably addressing all of us, I indulged in a little fantasy that he was talking just to me, and that I was heading to our home. And that he’d come riding up after I was there and come to find me, and then we’d make love until I couldn’t walk, until I couldn’t possibly take any more, and then I would beg him to make me take more. I released a shuddery breath at this thought, looking back over my shoulder as I followed Gus and Lacy to their car, to find Case standing with his hands caught on his hips, like he’d stood at the meeting on Tuesday, just watching.
And again I knew I had been here with him before tonight.
Gus and Lacy were apologetic and giggly, and then they started kissing in the back seat as I drove the short distance to Case’s trailer.
“God, you guys,” I complained, driving with my right hand on the steering wheel and the other against my forehead, where I used four fingers to scrunch up my loose hair.
“We’re sorry,” Lacy said for the both of them, giggling more.
“I didn’t know that you and my brother…” Gus said, leaning forward from the backseat. “Aw, Tish, that’s so great. I can’t even tell you —”
“No, we’re just friends,” I was quick to inform, and he sat back again.
“Shit, that’s too bad,” he said. “Damn.”
The red chili-pepper lights were glowing when I pulled Gus’s car beside my own. Mutt and Tiny were all excited to see us; Gus and Lacy crouched down to lavish them with affection, while I said, “I’ll be right back,” realizing suddenly that I could seize this opportunity to see Case’s bedroom.
Really quickly.
Just to see it, that’s all.
Jesus, Tish.
What is wrong with you?
Talk about a stalker.
The screen door sang as I went inside; the light above the sink was on, lending the space a warm yellow glow. I tugged out of my hiking boots before I went down the little hallway, clicking on the light switch as I walked, but instead of the door to the right, I turned left, knowing I had only a few minutes, tops. I could hear Gus and Lacy out the open windows; I was listening for hoofbeats coming closer – but what I heard instead was the frantic beating of my heart.
There were two bedrooms, but the smaller was crammed full of instruments and other trappings of a musician. I crept into the other room, the one where Case slept, in the dim light provided by the fixture in the hallway, noticing that his bed was unmade; it was a full-size, with one pillow. It smelled so much like him in here, spicy and masculine, and a trembling started in my thighs. I knelt on the bed and touched his sheets, running my fingertips over them, then took his pillow and brought it to my breasts, pressing my face against it. I breathed against it, biting the edge of it, and then I kissed it, letting my tongue touch the pillowcase, just lightly. I felt weak, literally weak, with desire, a pulse beating wildly between my legs.
I want to wait for him, right here.
I want to strip naked and wind his sheets between my legs.
What has gotten into you?!
Stop this! This is beyond insane.
I swallowed hard and replaced his pillow, in a hurry now, my face hot as the base of a long-burning fire. Outside Case had not returned and I knew I had to go now, as much as I loathed the idea of leaving before he got back with the horses. But I felt guilty, like a deviant. I had been entertaining notions that would never have occurred to me in this life, erotic things that had me so flustered that I could hardly remember where I’d put my keys.
In the ignition, I reminded myself.
“You want a beer?” Gus asked, he and Lacy headed now towards the trailer.
“No, I have to help out Al tomorrow,” I said, my voice all shaky, but they weren’t inclined to notice. I said, “Gus, tell your brother that I said good-bye. Tell him thanks for letting me ride Cider.”
“Will do,” Gus said amiably, leading Lacy by the hand.
It wasn’t until I was home and stripping naked in my own room, Peaches purring around my ankles, that I reached to unclasp my earrings and realized one was missing.