Saturday evening, and Ricky had booked the restaurant. The expensive décor, the crisp white table clothes, and the sheer number of smartly attired waiting staff hovering in the wings warned Charley it was decidedly more expensive than the places they usually went to. The menu confirmed it, offering whole lobsters, oysters and types of wine she’d never even heard of. How much for a dozen oysters? Bloody hell! Who could afford that? She’d been ravenous when she sat down, but the prices had taken her breath away, swiftly followed by her appetite. Trying not to overreact, she glanced around at the other punters. They seemed to be taking the luxurious surroundings and the extortionate prices in their stride. Not surprising, she thought, judging by the clothes and jewellery on display.
‘I’m not actually that hungry,’ she said casually. ‘I think I’ll skip the starters.’
‘Oh okay. I will too,’ replied Ricky.
‘Don’t feel you have to,’ she said hurriedly.
‘No, it’s fine,’ he said, giving her his easy smile.
Briefly, she wondered if he’d been put off by the prices too, but on reflection she reckoned it was just as likely he was forgoing his starter to make her feel comfortable.
She ran her eye over the drinks menu and was dismayed to see they didn’t have any Prosecco.
‘Have a glass of champagne instead,’ suggested Ricky.
She glanced at the cost. ‘No, I’ll just have a glass of house white.’
‘But you hardly ever drink still wine. You much prefer sparkling.’ His face was a picture of concern. Lowering his voice, he said, ‘Would you rather go somewhere else?’
‘No, of course not!’ He looked so anxious she added, ‘I’ll happily have some champagne.’
‘In that case, so will I,’ he replied and, since Charley had never seen him drink any wine that wasn’t red – well, except for champagne at his sister’s wedding – she assumed that also was for her sake, so that she wouldn’t feel she was the only one being extravagant.
When the waiter brought their champagne Ricky raised his flute to her, and they clinked glasses. Knowing how jaw-droppingly expensive her champagne was, Charley wondered if she could make it last the whole meal. Her first sip instantly told her that wasn’t going to happen.
‘Oh my God! This is delicious!’ she raved. ‘Careful, I could get used to this!’
Ricky didn’t reply; he was too busy rootling around in his pocket.
‘I have something for you,’ he said, and held out a small, square jewellery box.
It was white and embellished with a thin gold band, the name of the jeweller’s printed on the top, also in gold. Charley stared at the box in dismay and suddenly everything took on an entirely different meaning – the expensive restaurant, the champagne… Waves of nerves and nausea threatened to choke her. Why the hell do men do this? Why propose in the middle of a bloody restaurant and risk a public humiliation – for everyone? It was only too obvious how they must look. Surely the waiters and half the other diners must have noticed Ricky’s gesture. At least he hasn’t gone down on one knee, but what the hell am I supposed to do? Hoping to God her expression hadn’t given anything away, she reached out to take the box. Mouth dry, hand trembling, she could barely look Ricky in the eye.
‘Thank you,’ she managed and then, taking a deep breath, she opened the lid.
A pair of pearl earrings gazed up at her. Innocuous, beautiful and bereft of all threat of a betrothal. Stifling the sudden desire to laugh manically in sheer relief, she channelled her releasing tension into gushing gratitude. Which was genuine, because she truly was enormously grateful – although more grateful because Ricky hadn’t proposed than she was for the gift.
Not even wanting to think what the earrings had cost him, she stammered, ‘They’re gorgeous, Ricky, but you shouldn’t have.’
‘I wanted to treat you,’ he said, his gentle brown eyes fixed on hers lovingly. Then his face clouded. ‘You haven’t already got some, have you?’
She immediately realised that in his typically sensitive way, he was anxious that Josh might have given her a pair.
‘No. I don’t have any pearls,’ she replied. Josh had given her several pieces of jewellery over the years, but nothing valuable. All of it was cheap, junky stuff, which she loved and cherished, but most of it had cost less than a tenner. Still struggling to recover her composure, she said, ‘I’ll just nip to the Ladies’ to put them on. I need a mirror,’ and fled.
Later that night, back at Ricky’s, she lay awake next to him, but sleep evaded her completely. Resigned to the knowledge that she was in for a miserable night, tense and restless with her mind going round and round in circles, she gave up. Sliding silently out of bed, she pulled on Ricky’s towelling dressing gown and went to lie down on the sofa in the living room. Carlo instantly clambered up and, after having circled round a few times to find the comfiest position, eventually slumped down next to her. Automatically, she put her hand out to fondle his head and ears.
What the hell was that all about? Why had she practically hyperventilated when she thought Ricky had been about to propose? What the hell was the matter with her? He was a wonderful man, and she did love him, and she knew he loved her, but it was impossible to ignore the tidal wave of relief that had engulfed her when the box hadn’t held an engagement ring. She didn’t want to break up with him, truthfully she didn’t, but was it fair to stay with him if she felt that way about marrying him? And, frankly, whether it was fair or not, what would be the point?
By the time dawn finally broke, and dreading having to not just face Ricky when her mind was in such turmoil, but also spend the whole of Sunday together, Charley had decided to feign a headache and bolt to her place even before breakfast. In her defence, having literally not slept a wink, she genuinely was feeling pretty groggy. Inevitably Ricky was wonderfully caring and understanding, making her feel even worse.
Back at her flat, drained and weary, she crawled under the duvet and there, cocooned and comforted by the security of her own bed, she slept until lunchtime. When she woke, still feeling grotty and in need of someone to talk to, she picked up her phone to call Angie, but Ricky had texted her.
Closing her eyes, she slumped hopelessly back onto the pillow. Bloody hell. Bloody, bloody hell. Why did he have to be so bloody lovely? Trying to compose a reply, she was ludicrously at a loss as to what to say. She gave up and sought sanctuary at Angie’s.
Unusually, it was Will who answered the front door, cradling baby Lily in the crook of his left arm. ‘Come in! Come in!’ He embraced Charley warmly with his other arm, then led her through to the kitchen adding, ‘Sorry, it’s feeding time at the menagerie!’
Angie was dishing up a Sunday roast, her other three children already sitting round the table. Finn instantly climbed down and wrapped his arms round Charley’s legs. She tweaked his nose affectionately.
‘Have you eaten?’ asked Angie cheerfully, and without waiting for Charley’s reply, said, ‘Will, get another plate, would you? And Beth, budge up, sweetie, make room for Charley to sit down.’
Charley’s throat tightened, the loving family scene almost reducing her to tears. She shook her head, not trusting her voice to speak without breaking.
Angie’s gravy jug arrested in mid-air and she focussed her attention on Charley. Moments later, Will had taken over pouring the gravy, and Charley was pouring her heart out to Angie in the living room.
‘I have to finish with him. For his sake. I can’t carry on like this.’
‘Like what?’ asked Angie gently. ‘All he did was give you a pair of earrings.’ She pulled away from Charley in order to regard her friend’s ears. ‘Are those the ones?’ she asked.
Instinctively, Charley put her hand up to her ear. ‘Yes,’ she said absently, having only just realised she hadn’t taken them off from the previous night.
‘They’re lovely,’ said Angie appreciatively. ‘Must’ve cost a bomb!’
‘I know!’ wailed Charley, ‘And he’s lovely too. But I don’t think I want to marry him.’
‘He hasn’t even you asked to,’ pointed out Angie mildly.
Charley sighed deeply. ‘That’s not the point. The point is that when I thought he was going to, just the thought of it sent me into a white-out panic.’
‘Well I would’ve panicked if Will had asked me to marry him too soon,’ replied Angie reasonably. ‘We’d been going out for nearly two years before he popped the question. Don’t you think you might be overreacting?’
Charley shook her head. ‘No. Because I’m not sure that I love him enough. And if I have to even ask myself if I do, then I don’t.’ Her eyes welled up and she sniffed hard. ‘I can’t help it, I just don’t,’ she repeated sadly. ‘And it’s not fair to string him along. He’s a wonderful man. The longer I leave it, the harder it will be to end it. The more people will expect us to stay together for ever, including him.’ She fished in her jeans pocket for a tissue and blew her nose, before saying quietly, ‘I have to end it now.’
‘Must you? Why can’t you give it a little more time?’
‘Because I’m not in love with him, and I certainly don’t love him as much as he loves me. And if I’m honest, I’m worried I only want to stay with him because…’ She cut herself off, ashamed at what she was about to admit.
‘Because what?’
‘Because I want… all this!’ she explained, waving her arm around, taking in the brightly coloured toys littering the living room floor, the photos of the children all around the walls, and the pop-up playhouse in the corner.
A short while later, fearing that if she stayed at her friend’s any longer she’d be persuaded to change her mind – not by Angie, but seduced by the warm and loving environment of her family – she left and went back to her flat. Since she’d slept in her clothes she felt grubby and uncomfortable, and in need of a shower. Afterwards, standing in the bathroom, wrapped in a bath sheet with her wet hair turbaned, she regarded herself critically in the mirror. Under the harsh LED ceiling lights her face, without make-up, was pale with dark rings under her eyes. She looked every minute of her thirty-two years, and she felt even older.
If you do this, she warned herself silently, you do know, this could be it. You might never find anyone else – or at least not in in time to have kids. Is that what you want? NO! No it’s not! pleaded her inner voice, until another, stronger voice kicked in. Staying with Ricky just because you want a family, is wrong. Just wrong. And you bloody well know it.
Feeling strangely calm, or rather numb, she dressed, dried her hair and pulled it loosely into a top knot, then she carefully put the earrings back in the white and gold box and drove to Ricky’s. When she handed the box to him, he looked stunned. The look in his eyes as she explained why she was returning them tore at her inside. On the way over in the car she’d rehearsed what she wanted to say, so much so that, even to her ears, it now sounded glib and clichéd. Well-worn lines from every rom-com she’d ever watched fell from her lips. ‘It’s not you, it’s me… I love you, but I’m just not in love with you… You deserve to find someone who loves you as much as you love them… I don’t want to hurt you because I really care about you… I’m sorry, but it’s better to end it now…’
He said nothing until her well-rehearsed piece came to an end and she’d literally run out of words. Then he looked her in the eyes and said simply, but with heart-breaking selflessness, ‘I love you, Charley, and I want you to be happy. If I can’t make you happy, then I hope, I really hope, you find someone who can.’
Charley fell apart. Tears scorched her cheeks and she couldn’t even speak, her throat was so constricted.
He held the jewellery box out to her. ‘Keep them as a gift, a memento,’ he said. ‘Please. You look beautiful in them.’
She shook her head. ‘I can’t,’ was all she managed to get her voice to say, before turning on her heel and fleeing to her car.