CHAPTER TEN

Camille having Matt’s child? But Camille was only nineteen, Zoe told herself. Still, what did that have to do with it? Anyway, Zoe had only been nineteen when it had almost happened between them. She wished it had. She wished fiercely that they had made love and a child had resulted . . . Matt’s child. She felt sick and miserable and jealous of the new life stirring in Camille. If anyone was to have Matt’s baby, it should have been she.

‘I’m even sorrier than I thought,’ she heard Hannah say as though from a long way away. ‘I honestly didn’t think you cared all that much.’

‘Not care?’ She faced Hannah, eyes blazing. ‘I love him. I’ve never loved anyone else, and I never will, as long as I live.’

‘Oh, my dear. If I’m surprised, it’s because you haven’t shown it. Sometimes you’ve appeared quite cool toward him.’

‘It’s had to be that way,’ Zoe said wearily.

‘Tony won’t be able to marry you now, you do realize that, of course. The right thing must be done.’

She would do the right thing. She couldn’t admit to loving another man and go ahead and marry Tony. ‘I’ll release him from our engagement, of course.’

‘The marriage will have to be arranged as quickly as possible, and quietly. But not too quietly, because that would defeat the object by arousing gossip. Camille has no sisters of her own to take precedence. I don’t know how you feel about this, but on the phone André hinted that it might be a kindness on your part to be Camille’s chief bridesmaid. It would go a long way to stop the tongues wagging.’

‘No, Hannah. I couldn’t! That’s asking too much of me.’

‘Perhaps when you’ve thought about it . . . Hannah entreated.

‘No!’ Bitter tears filled Zoe’s eyes. ‘Why should I? I can’t forgive what Matt and Tony have done to me. Between them they’ve just about destroyed me. Neither of them really cared about me. They used me to settle a difference.’

‘I’m deeply disappointed in you, Zoe,’ Hannah chided frostily. ‘Which is something I never thought I’d hear myself say to you. That remark is beneath your intelligence and an insult to my son. It might be true of Tony, but not of Matt. Matt does not use people.’

‘You’re right, Hannah. That was unworthy of me and I take it back. Matt doesn’t use people.’

‘I knew some drama was being played out among the three of you, but I couldn’t make a lot of sense of it. Still can’t, for that matter. You and Matt seemed to know one another too well to have met only recently through Tony. I kept getting strong signals that you’d known each other before. You could even be the girl he lost five years ago. You are, aren’t you?’

‘Yes. I wouldn’t have thrown him over because he couldn’t give me the good times. I would have stuck by him, no matter what. I thought he’d walked out on me. I didn’t know he’d been involved in an accident until you. told me. You’ve got to believe that.’

‘I do believe it.’ A small sigh escaped Hannah’s lips. ‘It’s Matt you should be telling, not me. Although if you meant what you said earlier, and much as I would like to I can’t doubt your sincerity, I don’t suppose there would be much point. I must be losing my grip, because I could have sworn that you and . . . well, never mind.’

What was the matter with Hannah? Wasn’t she thinking straight? Of course there would be no point now.

The other thing Hannah had said was right about Matt not using people. When he had taken her in his arms it had been because he wanted to and not to score off Tony. But he had also made love to Camille, and Camille was carrying his child and so he had an obligation to marry her. She could understand any man finding Camille irresistible, she was luscious and inviting, but why hadn’t Matt resisted?

Zoe had known from the beginning that Camille had lost her innocence, and she was pretty certain that Matt hadn’t been the one to take it away from her in the first place. When she was nineteen, he had known by instinct that she had never been with a man, and some rigid moral code had stopped him at the last moment. Oh, Matt, why? The odd thing was, she didn’t know if she was asking herself why Matt hadn’t made love to her then or why he’d had to go with Camille now.

A glass of water was placed in her hand. Hannah gently coaxed, ‘Here, drink this, although really I think it should be brandy. You’ve gone as white as a sheet. I shouldn’t have spoken so sharply to you just now. I didn’t make allowances for your suffering.’

On taking a sip, Zoe said, ‘Please don’t be too nice to me, Hannah, you’ll make me cry. I don’t want to go soggy-eyed to Tony to return his ring, and that’s something I must do straight away.’

‘Yes, dear. I’m sorry, sorry for all of us, that things haven’t worked out the way you wanted. I’m even sorrier still that they haven’t worked out the way I would have liked,’ Hannah added ambiguously.

‘Thank you, Hannah.’ What else could she say. ‘I’ll go find Tony.’

But first she went up to her room for the box the ring had come in from the jeweler’s shop. She put the ring in the box, then placed the box in an envelope on which she wrote: I’m sorry it had to be like this, Tony. The contents will explain it all. No words necessary. Then she went downstairs to find him.

He was where he usually was, in the garden. She handed him the bulky envelope. He accepted it, read what she’d written on the front, and tore it open. Shrugging, he put the ring box in his pocket.

‘Good old never-make-a-fuss Zoe!’ he scoffed, a look of bravado coming to his face. ‘It never ceases to amaze me the calm way you take things. I expected fireworks and recriminations.’

That’s what Zoe had expected from him. ‘What for, Tony?’ she asked carefully.

‘For giving you such a rotten deal, of course. I’m sorry. God, how inadequate that sounds, but it’s true. I’m sorry for you, and selfish to the end, I’m just a little bit sorry for myself. Quite recently Nan remarked that I was a better person for knowing you, and I think she’s right. If we’d stuck together you might have reformed me totally. As it is, well, Camille and I are out of the same mold. And you could say that I’ve landed on my feet. André Dupont is comfortably off. Camille is his only grandchild and will inherit the lot. On reflection, my position is really quite enviable.’ Suddenly he dropped the light, jocular tone to ask, ‘So why don’t I feel better about things?’

Zoe hardly dared to believe the implication of Tony’s words. Was he saying that he was the father of Camille’s child, not Matt? All she could feel was stunned incredulity.

‘I don’t know,’ she said, her words reflecting her perplexity: ‘You tell me why you don’t feel better about things.’

‘Because I think I was falling in love with you.’

‘Weren’t you in love with me when you asked me to marry you? The truth, Tony. You owe me that.’

‘Yes, I guess I do. And so, no I wasn’t in love with you. I was attracted to you, and I want you to know that my affection for you has steadily grown, but my main reason was wanting to triumph over Matt.’

‘But you weren’t aware that I knew Matt. Or were you?’

‘Yes, I knew. Have you found out yet why Matt didn’t come back to you five years ago?’

‘Yes. Hannah told me about his accident.’ She gasped. ‘You knew! You knew there was a girl in his life. You’ve known all this time that I was that girl. And you let me go on thinking that he didn’t return because he didn’t want me, even though you and I had talked about it.’

‘Don’t look at me like that, Zoe. I didn’t have to tell you now, and I’m only doing so to try to make amends. I knew all about the message you got to the effect that Matt wasn’t available when you phoned to ask about him. That message came via me. I visited Matt in hospital and he told me to instruct the staff to say what they did should you inquire.’

‘Matt thought he had nothing to offer me, and he didn’t want my pity,’ she said in a low voice.

‘Something like that. I thought he was being stupid; it was obvious that he was eating his heart out for you. I couldn’t understand his reasoning.’

Her lashes flew up. ‘And when we met, and you heard my name, you knew who I was!’ The accusation scraped rawly on her throat. She seemed to be fighting back both tears and laughter.

‘Yes . . . Said cold, it sounds horrible, and I’m ashamed. At the beginning I didn’t see you for yourself. You had something I found attractive, and that was Matt’s interest. He’s always scored in life. It would have been something to put one over on him. To get my hands on something he wanted appealed to me very much.’

‘How did you know that Matt still wanted me after all that time?’

‘When he got the business on its feet again he set someone on trying to find you. But you’d moved and changed jobs and couldn’t be traced. I couldn’t believe my luck when I met you—not strictly by chance, incidentally. I fixed the first meeting. I overheard your name in conversation. It had to be you. I knew the personal details about you from the inquiries Matt had been making your age, coloring. There couldn’t be two redheads in that age group with such an unusual name. And so I made a fast play for you. I wanted to keep you secret from Matt until after the nuptial knot was firmly tied—that would really have rubbed his nose in it—but it didn’t come off. He made one of his famous unscheduled visits before the wedding, and your identity couldn’t be withheld any longer. You’ve got to hand it to Matt, though, he was a cunning old dog, setting me up like that.’

‘You mean by taking you out and getting you drunk?’

‘That wasn’t all he did. The party he arranged for me wasn’t the traditional stag thing. Camille was among the people he invited. He laid it on the mat for me. I’ve always fancied Camille, I won’t deny that, but she’s never looked at me before. It’s always been Matt. She was all over him that night, but he wasn’t playing, so she turned to someone who would play—me! It started off for laughs. I took her home and we started messing around, just kissing. We’d both had too much to drink. Before I realized what was happening, we were in bed together. Camille had dug out a bottle of Scotch and we’d started drinking again, and so it’s all pretty hazy in my mind. But I know we made love. I woke up with an awful hangover, which was how I came to fall down the steps and break my stupid leg on leaving Camille’s apartment.’

‘That was a lucky break for both of us. It would have been a disaster if our wedding had taken place as planned.’ It didn’t bear thinking of. ‘What you said just now about beginning to fall in love with me . . . well, that wasn’t true. You were just considering my feelings. You can’t feel that way about me because you’re in love with Camille. I can’t believe my own stupidity. I’ve seen the way you look at her. Why it didn’t occur to me, I don’t know. I guess I’ve been too wrapped up in my own affairs. I’m pleased for you, Tony. It’s not the best way to start a marriage, so it’s up to you to make it a good one. I hope that you and Camille will be very happy.’

‘Thank you, Zoe. That’s sweet of you.’

‘One thing puzzles me. I thought the steps you fell down were at the club you’d been to. What was it called—the Ace of Clubs?’

‘There are no steps at the Ace of Clubs,’ he said sheepishly.

‘I see. The girl who phoned to say you’d been taken to hospital. That was Camille? Your mother said she spoke with a foreign accent. That’s really ironic! Your mother said she thought the girl was French because her voice was like Camille’s. No wonder. It was Camille!’

‘Yes. And that’s it. Now you know it all. The whole sordid story.’

‘Thank you for telling me, Tony.’ She ought to be furious with him. But she was so unbelievably happy that it was Tony, not Matt, who was responsible for Camille’s condition that she couldn’t get her anger anywhere near the boil. She couldn’t stop smiling.

‘Thinking about it, did I have much option?’

‘No. So perhaps I mean for the way you’ve told me, fairly and truthfully. It’s made me hope there’s still a chance for Matt and me to find happiness together. Your grandmother phoned Matt straight away, asking him to come. Because Matt was head of the family, and because of the longstanding friendship between the two families, Hannah had felt that Matt should pay André Dupont the courtesy of talking to him, conferring with him about the arrangements for the wedding, and possibly allaying any fears about Tony’s willingness to shoulder his responsibilities. It had not been for the reason she had thought, Zoe realized, hugging herself for joy. ‘I was all set to pack up and get a plane out before he arrived, which would have created even more misunderstanding between us. So I owe you a big thank you.’

‘Don’t pin any halos on me, Zoe. I know that Nan’s phoned Matt to come. She buttonholed me before you did.’

‘Just now, while I was upstairs?’

‘I suppose so.’

‘That wasn’t the first you knew of the baby, was it?’

‘It was the first time I got it officially, but Camille suspected she might be pregnant the day we went to St. Tropez, remember?’

‘Ah, yes, her indisposition wasn’t because of something she ate!’ Zoe observed wryly.

‘Anyway, to get back to what Matt’s reaction will be. To say he isn’t going to be pleased is the understatement of the year. Camille isn’t some girl I’ve picked up off the street; we’ve known her since we were kids. It’s to my advantage to make my peace with you. You have a lot of influence with Matt, and I want you on my side.’

‘Perhaps that’s the way it is, and perhaps not. I think you’re so happy yourself with what has happened that some deep down generous streak, which you’re fighting to deny, wants me to be happy, too. So, again, thank you, Tony.’ She kissed him lightly on the cheek and walked on air as she left him to find Hannah again.

‘I’ve changed my mind, Hannah,’ she said without ceremony. ‘If Camille wants me, I’d love to be bridesmaid for her.’

‘What brought that about?’

‘I jumped to a silly conclusion. You’ll never believe who I thought the father of Camille’s child was.’

‘You mean you didn’t think Tony was responsible?’

‘No. I thought it was Matt.’

‘But how absurd! Admittedly, I’m surprised by all this. I knew that Tony had a weakness for Camille, but it seemed hopeless, because Camille’s always had an outsize crush on Matt. But she’s a child in his eyes. He was always very protective of her; he might not have put her in her place too severely to avoid hurting her feelings, but he never intentionally led her on. I don’t know why Camille turned to Tony—perhaps out of pique—but that’s just a wild guess.’ For a wild guess, it was pretty accurate, Zoe thought. ‘It seemed that I was going to lose you, Zoe. Is there a possibility that that may not be so?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘When I spoke to Matt on the phone, he said he’d pull strings and be here as soon as possible. He asked how you had taken the news. I said you were utterly miserable and that you’d taken it very badly indeed. When he gets here—this evening, I hope—I think he’s going to have a pleasant surprise.’

* * *

Tony and Hannah had accepted an invitation to dine with Camille and her grandfather. Zoe had been included in the invitation, but she had declined. If Matt got there that night, she wanted to be waiting for him.

She dressed with care, choosing the white dress she’d worn when Matt had arrived the last time and found her in the garden. She brushed her hair until it was like silken fire and was extra generous with her favorite perfume. She fastened Matt’s pendant round her neck. Her fingers were shaking in anticipation of his coming. What if they were all wrong? She had never heard it from Matt’s lips that there was a valid reason for his nonreturn five years ago. What if he’d dropped her because she had ceased to interest him? In what way did she interest him now? Did he only want a beautiful but brief affair, or did he have it in mind to spend the rest of his life with her?

She put off eating, although she hadn’t been able to eat any lunch and had promised Hannah faithfully that she would have something when they left. She was too choked up, frightened, and excited to eat. And in any case, she wanted to wait and eat with Matt. She felt as though she didn’t even want to breathe without Matt.

She heard the car pull into the drive. She had the door open and was outside in time to see him pay the taxi driver off. She wanted to run to him, but she couldn’t. His face was visible in the light cast from the house. It was so grave and solemn. He looked as if he’d thrown himself together, pulling on the first clothes that had come to hand in order to catch his plane. He wasn’t even carrying a suitcase she noticed as he came striding toward her. His arms went round her and he bundled her inside.

‘It’s going to be all right, Zoe. He wasn’t right for you.’

‘I know.’

‘You’re well rid of him.’

‘I know.’

‘He didn’t love you in the way you should be loved. He was attracted to you for all the wrong . . . What did you say?’

‘I said I know that Tony wasn’t right for me and that it’s better that he’s out of my life, and I’m fully aware that he wanted me for all the wrong reasons. I can’t begin to explain what a tremendous relief I feel.’

‘But on the phone . . . mother said you were inconsolable, desolate beyond belief. She said she’d never in all her life seen anyone crack up the way you did.’

‘That was when I thought it was you and Camille.’

‘Me? But Camille’s only a child.’

‘If you think that, you haven’t been looking at her properly lately.’

‘That’s probably true. I haven’t been looking at anyone properly lately. All I’ve been able to see is you. You’ve superimposed yourself so firmly on my mind that there’s been no room for anyone or anything else. You’ve put me through every kind of mental and physical torture possible.’

‘Oh, Matt, I didn’t know.’

‘Didn’t know! You didn’t know what you were doing to me? Now I’ve heard it all.’

‘I thought it was just physical. A need any woman could fill.’

‘No, Zoe. I won’t say that you’re the only woman who has ever filled my arms . . .’

‘I wouldn’t believe you if you did.’

‘. . . but you’re the only woman who has ever filled my heart. When I heard that you were the one Tony was going to marry I almost went out of my mind. I tried to kid myself that in the years we’d been apart I’d immortalized what we had, built it up and romanticized it into something larger than life. The value of something lost is invariably magnified out of all proportion, and I thought it might be the same with you. Instead—well, I came round to see you, and instead of making things better, it was a million times worse. I knew I couldn’t let Tony have you. I was half crazed wondering what to do.’

‘You soon figured something out.’

‘It wasn’t as calculated as that. Nothing was planned, although all sorts of vague notions were stirring through my mind, such as getting Tony so drunk that he wouldn’t be in a fit state for his own wedding. Things just seemed to happen of their own accord. Poor Camille, in a way I feel partly to blame, but I wasn’t to know how far things would go. I can’t be responsible for that. She was making a tremendous nuisance of herself with me. She’s a nice child, but sometimes she can be overpowering, and frankly, I wasn’t in the mood for fun and games. She got the message and began to make eyes at Tony.’

‘To make you jealous?’

‘I was jealous of Tony, all right, as jealous as hell. But not over her, over you. Tony was like a greedy little boy. He’d already got the pick of the crop, but he couldn’t resist taking a bite of another cherry when it was dangled under his nose.’

‘Tony thinks he’s got the pick of the crop with Camille.’

‘He’s only a boy. What does he know?’

She laughed. It was a lilting, joyous sound. ‘What would you have done if Tony hadn’t fallen down the stairs and broken his leg on leaving Camille’s apartment?’

‘You figured it out that he didn’t fall down any stairs at the Ace of Clubs?’

‘I got it from Tony that there aren’t any stairs at the Ace of Clubs. You could have told me that, instead of covering up for him. You covered for him about something else as well.’

‘Did I?’

‘Don’t come the innocent. You were aware from the beginning that Tony knew about us. You knew how guilty I felt about not telling Tony and yet you said nothing.’

‘M’m. Found out about that as well, did you?’

‘Tony admitted that you passed the message via him that you weren’t available if I phoned to inquire. That was horrible. How could you have been cruel enough to instruct anyone to say that to me?’

‘I had always stood tall in your eyes. I couldn’t bear the thought of your seeing me on my back. I’ve always thought of myself as being one brave guy. They say everyone is allowed one lapse, and that was mine, my act of cowardice. I was too much of a coward to risk your rejection.’

‘So you rejected me.’

‘And regretted it a million times. You asked me why I covered for Tony. For various reasons, I suppose, all hinging on the fact that I didn’t know how badly you’d got it for him. I didn’t want to hurt you by telling you what a scheming louse he was and that he only wanted you—’

‘You can say it. He only wanted me to make you squirm.’

‘It’s better that you said it for me. Secondly, I’ve never ratted on anyone in my life, and even if I had told you, would you have believed me? Thirdly, I fully intended to take you from him, but in a fair fight. And it’s been that, Zoe,’ he said, contesting the look she gave him, even if his smile was mischievous. ‘While some things are definitely not on, taletelling for example, a little honest to goodness chicanery is not only acceptable but considered fair play.’

‘You have a convenient sense of logic.’

‘Comes in handy. I don’t know what I would have done if Tony hadn’t helped me out by breaking a leg, but I would have thought of something to prevent the marriage taking place. There’s only one man you’re going to marry, and that’s me.’

‘Am I?’

‘You wouldn’t be challenging that, would you?’

‘No way. Just confirming that I heard you right. I love you, Matt. Love you so much.’

‘I love you, Zoe. More than life itself. It’s nice that you’re willing, it makes it more peaceable, but I had every intention of getting you to the altar even if I had to drag you there by your beautiful hair.’ He wound his fingers into it. ‘I need a shave. I didn’t have time to get one before setting off. Come up with me while I get one now.’

‘If I go to your room with you, I don’t think I’ll get out again before morning.’

His hand left her hair and traced the narrow shoulder strap of her dress. ‘That’s the general idea.’

She swallowed rawly. They had been so long denied. ‘No. Hannah and Tony will be home soon. You know she’ll want to see you before going to bed. I’m not starting off on the wrong foot with my future mother-in-law. Is Hannah going to be surprised!’ she exclaimed in nervous jubilation.

‘I doubt it. Overjoyed, not surprised,’ Matt corrected. And she knew that he was right. ‘If you won’t come with me, I’m not leaving you. Someone might spirit you away.’ Gathering her into his arms, he rubbed his bristly chin across her forehead. ‘You’ll just have to take the rough with the smooth.’

‘That’s all I ever wanted, Matt. To share the rough with you, as well as the smooth. Instead of sending that snubbing message to be passed on to me, you should have got word to me about your accident.’ She lifted her hand; her fingertips delicately followed the faint scar that crossed his eye. ‘Oh, my darling, I would have been by your side in a flash, and I never would have left you, no matter what.’

He acknowledged soberly, ‘That was a grave mistake on my part. Let’s write it off, Zoe, and concentrate on—’

‘The future?’

‘The immediate present was what I had in mind,’ he said, drawing her tenderly closer. ‘I’ve dreamed of this moment, had nightmares that it would never happen.’ His lips skimmed over her eyelids, then locked on her mouth.

* * *

Matt gave her the choice of going anywhere in the world for their honeymoon, but he hadn’t laughed when she expressed a wish to spend the first part of it at the logis where they had found shelter from the rain.

Berthe and Jean-Claude Poussin were delighted by the compliment paid to their modest establishment and gave the honeymooners a rapturous welcome. For their wedding night dinner they sat at the same table as before, side by side, barely noticing the celebration meal Jean-Claude had prepared for them. Everything still had the unreality of a dream come true.

‘How can I be so lucky?’ Matt asked.

‘I don’t know. I was just asking myself the same thing.’

Madame’s eyes followed them with smiling indulgence, and a little nostalgia maybe, as they left the dining room.

Zoe had thought she might be shy, but it seemed the most natural thing in the world to be undressed by Matt. It was a slow and sensuous process with many pauses for the removal of his clothes, in which she assisted, and for an exchange of caresses. When her gentle curves were fully exposed he carried her to the bed. He covered her face with kisses, tasting—the soft texture of her skin, the delicate skin of her eyelids and cheeks, the rich curve of her lips. His hands were so very, very loving, gentle, yet with a magical precision that arrested her breath and made her feel incredibly beloved and cared for. His fingertips were as expressive of his love as the words he whispered into her ear. Only when all the pleasures possible had been sated, and the expectation of what was to come had been savored to the limits of their joint restraint, did he draw her closer . . . and inexorably closer.

At first it was a gentle slide into ecstasy, a cherishing warmth and an endless sweetness, searing, tender, lifting her and whirling her forward. She was a sapling torn up by a storm and hurled into a new dimension of feeling . . . Sensations she would not have believed possible were gaining on the rapid beat of her heart, overtaking her breath. She could no longer even gasp out his name. Nothing, none of the previous delights, had prepared her for the ultimate joy, this incredulous escalation into the heart of passion’s flame, a fire that consumed her, then cradled her in the most sublime peace and contentment she had ever known. Long afterward their bodies and arms were still entwined.

Sleep was a million light years away. Zoe slipped out of bed and crept to the window. Her elbows on the sill, still feeling wrapped in that enchanted bliss, she looked up at the huge moon, a symbol of constancy. The ardent assurance of Matt’s love had melted all past anxieties away. Even feeling as smug as she did, she couldn’t prevent tears of awe from glistening on her lashes, dazzling diamonds that splintered the moon into a brilliant orb, giving it a new face, and her thoughts a new slant.

Her vision had been splintered in evaluating her own feelings; she hadn’t seen the truth of love clearly. Love wasn’t any one thing; love was all things. She had been right in thinking that love was constancy, warmth, and caring—that blend of affection was vital—but she had been wrong in not realizing that love was also a burning passion that sometimes felt too hot to handle, that it had a meteoric brightness touched with a little moon madness and a lot of earthly magic.

‘Stop that moon gazing and come back to bed,’ Matt called out softly. ‘You should be asleep.’

‘I can sleep later,’ she said, anguished at the thought of sleeping away so much happiness.

‘Come back to bed,’ he instructed thickly. ‘We’ll both sleep later.’