Chapter 11

By the time I got out the hospital, it was almost midnight. I was seen by so many doctors, evaluating and talking to me it was a shame.

When you’re on a forty-eight hour suicide watch, you’re supposed to be awake for those hours. However, Mr. Lopez managed to talk me out of a hospital commitment. He made a case that what I did was normal considering the circumstances. And after prescribing me medication and extracting a promise from Mr. Lopez to bring me back in a week for a checkup and possible therapy or ‘grief consoling’ as they called it. I was in the back of Mr. Lopez’s car with Vicky.

What I was experiencing was a classic case of grief and or shock depending on the doctor.

I forgot all about my birthday seeing as I slept through the actual day.

I felt empty, yet it seemed I didn’t know why. It was all so... unreal. I mean I had no idea what was going to happen to me. I had no family that I knew of, no distant cousins in another state, no play aunty, no… no nothing.

When we got to Vicky’s house, I was ushered into her room where all my things from the party were. I sat on the bed looking at my pink duffel of overnight clothes my mother packed for my party.

I began to realize that if my house was burned down then so were all my things. What I saw in Vicky’s room was all I had to my name, to me... period.

Vicky came into the room talking a mile a minute.

“Okay I got an extra tooth brush in the bath room for you. I washed your clothes so your underwear and your pajamas are clean in there. You can take a shower if you want...”

Leave it to this bitch to be excited I’m over her house.

I didn’t look up.

She came and sat down next to me on her bed.

“What am I gonna do?”

I wasn’t really asking her just talking out loud. I was trying to arouse some type of feeling in me. The medication? Shock? Grief? Whatever it was had me feeling… nothing, like I wasn’t real. I, hell I don’t know what I was. Empty... that’s the only description I could come up for it. Numb.

“I have nothing, Vicky, no one.”

“Girl you got me and my dad, we-” I just looked at her, and she got the message.

I turned back to the floor, and Vicky said, “Hey!”

I watched as she ran to her dresser, pulled out the top drawer and reached in. She grabbed something. I became interested in the floor again when she sat something in my lap.

I looked down, and my mouth went dry. I looked up from my phone to her. I didn’t know a lot about what was going on, but what I did know was that all members of my family were accounted for except one.

I knew Free was dead.

How? I don’t know, but something told me he was though his body hadn’t been found.

However, staring down at my phone made me realize there was a small chance he was still alive. I mean, his body hadn’t been found.

I knew I was leading myself on as I fumbled with the numbers I’d committed to memory. I looked at Vicky as it rang once... then the answering machine picked up.

I expected at least a few more rings. I listened until I heard a beep. I breathed into the phone.

“Free,” was all that came out before I closed my eyes and hung up.

People don’t know it, but when you have to be grown you grow up fast. Thirteen, I was thirteen. I’d just got my period the year before. I barely had breasts, yet I was forced to grow up years before my time.

I took a deep breath and tried to tell myself they were all gone, and they weren’t coming back. But I couldn’t, it was so unreal.

“What happened?”

I opened my eyes speaking before thinking. What came out shocked me, “I have to go home.”

Vicky’s eyes grew only the way Vicky’s eyes could. We stared at one another. “But Shi-”

“Vick, I have to see it... that it’s gone,” I was up and moving.

“Shi, we can’t, my dad would kill-” I looked at her again, and Vicky knew she couldn’t stop me. “Do you want me to...I’m coming,” she said. Before I could protest she grabbed my arm and said, “Go turn on the TV and make it look like we’re in bed. I’ll make sure the coast is clear.”

I almost smiled; I felt like it, but it wouldn’t happen. The muscles in my face were paralyzed. Vicky moved to turn. I grabbed her and looked her in her eyes.

“Ah, girl, don’t you get all soft on me now, you already know.”

I felt a sting, but turned so I wouldn’t cry out of fear that I’d never stop. I didn’t think Vick could console me, though seeing her helped.

I moved like a seasoned vet, pulling the covers on Vicky’s bed back and putting stuffed animals here and pillow there until it looked like it had when we’d done it a million times before.

I turned, and Vicky was back waving me to the door and looking down the hall. We went out the back door into the cold morning. Vicky grabbed my arm and held on tight as we walked out of the back yard and through the front yard. We weren’t going far, just around the corner to Kavanaugh. We were silent until we got to the corner of Gloria and Kavanaugh. The street was deserted, and I could hear the movement of cars driving on and off of the Dumbarton Bridge.

“Have you seen it?” I asked as we turned onto Kavanaugh Drive.

I was looking straight ahead but knew she shook her head.

We passed the little blue house that a boy we’d known since forever lived in.

The next house was the only two-story house on the block, and then there was my house, or what was left of it. We slowed, and I wondered what I’d see. How would my home look?

It was dark, and I couldn’t see anything, even when I stood in front of my house. The garage was still intact, and so was my mom’s car. I’d hoped maybe there was a mistake until I stepped onto the grass. The place was simply gone. I walked up to the porch and stepped into the blackness which was my front door.

I could smell it. The smell filled my throat making it hard to breathe. It wasn’t what you smelled when someone was smoking or when you burned paper. It smelled something like charcoal; it was sickening.

I walked to what was our kitchen, then I visited my room, then G-dubs. I walked into Free’s room and then to my mom and Poppa’s. I could see him, in that tube looking like barbecued chicken. The thought and smell dropped me to my knees where I usually jumped in bed with my momma after a nightmare.