Chapter 32

“Shi!” I slowly opened my eyes. Dr. Richards was standing over me with breakfast. “Hurry up and eat,” she said sitting the tray down on my lap as I sat up in bed.

“What… what’s going on?” I asked, eating the toast.

“Case conference.”

My heart stopped. “But…”

“Oh, I forgot to tell you, when you left that day I talked them into bringing you back in a month instead of making you wait.”

I blinked; I could not believe it. I was suddenly excited, scared, and nervous all at the same time.

I was not ready, and I was so used to being with Dr. Richards. She reminded me so much of my mom and G-dub all rolled into one.

“You’re ready,” she told me.

I ate, brushed my teeth, and showered in a state of fear. I was sitting outside the case conference room at eight.

Dr. Felter stuck her head out the door and looked around.

“Scheyenne,” she said, and I got up and followed her inside.

When I sat down I was shocked to see Dr. Childers was back and the old white man that came to my room to talk Dr. Richards out of moving in were there.

Fuck, I thought.

I’d spent a month with Dr. Richards and I felt better than I had in two years. I was feeling intimidated and debated saying ‘fuck it,’ and just leaving, but I guess that’d be a slap in Dr. Richard’s face.

She’d put her job on the line for me; the least I could do was try.

The meeting was the same. We went over my progress, my ups, my downs, my highs, and my lows. Then I went into my relapse prevention, and I finished strong.

I mean my head was clear, and I was in a place where I understood my anger and hurt. It was normal, and I wouldn’t let no one tell me any different.

“What happens when you relapse?” I heard Dr. Felter ask.

Oh, I was ready for the bitch. She tried to get me again.

“Then I relapse,” I stated plainly and let it hang. “All I can do is pick myself back up and start again.” Then I swallowed and said something I did not believe. But I was playing the game, as Dr. Richards would say. “Look, I’m always going to have to struggle with what happened. It wasn’t fair, but that’s life. I mean, there are people worse off than me.”

I knew the last part was bull.

“I will never know what happens when I relapse if I never get the chance. Sitting in here with people around to talk to and run to is not letting me grow. I can talk about relapse all day, but this, here, this case conference is not the test. Out there is…”

Dr. Richards taught me the last part.

“Is that all?”

I nodded at the stupid bitch. She spoke briefly with the others. I knew they denied me, but, hell, I didn’t care. Okay, I did; I wanted to slap the bitch.

But I contained myself as my heart pounded.

“How do we know you’ve grown, Scheyenne?” Dr. Felter asked.

“You won’t know until I get out and show you,” I said.

“What if I told you we don’t think it’s time?” she asked.

I’d most likely tap into my black side, I thought, but I said, “Then you do and I’ll see you in another month.”

I was biting my lip and then my tongue.

I almost bit it off when she said, “Well, Scheyenne, I’m sorry. I feel and the others concur that if Dr. Richards had not done you the disservice of holding your hand and you got through the last month alone then you’d be ready; however… not now.”

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I smiled and stood up.

There is a time when you are so angry that’s all you can do. Smile. I’d vent to Dr. Richards later.

I turned to leave, then I turned back towards them. I dropped all the bullshit and decided to be real. I didn’t know what I’d say, but I had to say something, so I started talking.

“First off, Dr. Richards is a very kind, loving soul who can relate to me. She is the first and the only person in this place that has done anything to help me. I am not a robot; I have feelings, okay? I am a child forced with something most adults don’t have to go through…”

There were some tears in my eyes.

“I was robbed. Somebody stole my family, and I’ve yet to see any type of justice. Any retribution. I never got to say goodbye.”

My face was soaked.

“You cannot fix this. It happened, and I, not you, but I, I have to live with this. You think I should take pills…

“But will that bring my family back?”

Dr. Felter opened her mouth, but I kept going. I had one more thing to say, something I hoped would shut her up.

“You usually give medication for a chemical imbalance. Grief is not a chemical imbalance. Neither is life or death… so if that is why you’re gonna keep me here then so be it. But until you can give me a pill that can make me forget or take the hurt away, even for a little bit, then I say, ‘hell no.’ I don’t want it, thank you for nothing.”

I took a deep breath, turned to the door, and opened it to leave. I felt good; hell, it felt better than I think going bad on them bitches would’ve.

“Scheyenne!” I turned, and the old white man stood. “Wait.”

He turned and whispered to the doctors. Whatever he said made Dr. Felter angry.

He looked at me and said, “If you were released, seeing as you have no family, where would you go?”

I looked him in his faded blue eyes.

“My blood family maybe gone,” I said. I still couldn’t say dead; it was too permanent. “But I have people who love me. My best friend, Vicky, and her dad, Mr. Carlos Lopez.”

He nodded, and I knew he was thinking. I didn’t care; I just wanted to leave. I still needed to cry.

He nodded, then said, “When can I meet them?”