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Rachel
What’s a goad? That’s what this child in front of her had just asked. And despite all her righteous indignation, this softened Rachel’s heart. This young woman was as clueless as Rachel had been at her age. Why had she expected anything different?
She took a deep breath and sat down beside Zoe on the couch. “Do you know who Paul was in the Bible?”
Predictably, Zoe shook her head.
“Well, Paul was one of the greatest men of the Bible. He wrote many books of the New Testament and helped to spread the Gospel all over the world.”
She could see that Zoe’s eyes were glazing over.
“Paul changed the world. But he started out as kind of a jerk. He did a lot of bad things. And then, and this was after Jesus died on the cross and came back to life, Jesus appeared to Paul on a road. Sound familiar?”
Zoe’s eyes did not register any connection.
Rachel reached out and took her hand. “Jesus doesn’t appear to many people the way he appeared to you.”
“Jesus ... he didn’t appear to me.”
“Zoe, Jesus is the one who carried you home that night.”
She didn’t argue. Her face was impassive. How drunk was she?
“You know what? Hang on a second.” She got up and went toward the kitchen. Then she stopped and turned back. “Don’t you dare lie down.” Once she was encouraged that Zoe would at least try to remain upright, Rachel continued into the kitchen and ripped open the fridge. There was precious little in it, and she didn’t want to prepare anything. A box of cheese crackers on top of the fridge caught her eye. Perfect. She brought them to Zoe. “Eat these.”
She expected an argument, but she didn’t get one. Zoe opened the box and shoved a handful into her mouth.
Rachel sat back down. “So, Jesus appeared to Paul in the road, and he said, ‘Paul, you idiot, why are kicking against the goads?’ A goad is a sharp stick that people use to direct cattle. If the cow goes where it’s supposed to, all is well, but if she doesn’t, then she gets stabbed with a sharp stick. Sometimes Jesus carries a sharp stick, which doesn’t hurt us at all if we walk straight, but when we don’t, we get jabbed. And when we kick against the goads, then we experience real pain. You don’t even know what real pain is yet, Zoe, and I don’t want you to.”
Zoe’s face was still blank.
Rachel had an idea. She took her phone out of her pocket, did a quick search, and held the phone out so Zoe could see its screen.
The video showed a handsome young rancher following a cow around with a stick. Rachel realized too late that this particular stick was the electrified version. She didn’t even know they made such a thing. What would the Apostle Paul think of that—an electric goad? Oh well. The metaphor still worked.
The young rancher poked the cow. The cow’s back legs spun at the ground for a second, but then the cow moved forward.
“See? Just a little jab, and the cow moves. The cow’s not stupid enough to stand there and kick against the stick.”
Zoe slowly turned her head toward Rachel. “It’s a cattle prod.”
Rachel snickered. “Yes. A cattle prod.”
“So why didn’t you just say that in the first place?”
Rachel sighed. “The King James calls it a goad. Anyway, do you get the point I’m trying to make?”
Zoe nodded slowly, and the expression on her face gave Rachel hope that she really did get it.
“I’m not supposed to kick a cattle prod.”
Rachel snickered. “Right.”
“If God is real, then he’s trying to force me where he wants me to go, and I don’t want to go there.”
Oh boy. “Yes, something like that. God is real, and the fact that he’s pursuing you like this means you are very special, Zoe.”
Zoe’s eyes filled with tears. “I’m not special. Well, I might be special, but in the wrong way.”
Rachel tried to understand that but didn’t. “What do you mean?”
She shook her head. “I’m hideous. No one is ever going to love me.”
Rachel’s heart cracked. “Zoe, you are not hideous. You are a beautiful child of God. You might not be Hollywood beautiful, but you are still beautiful because you’re you. You’re the only one of you there is.”
Zoe studied the box of crackers in her hand. “I used to try, you know? I used to try to look good. Wear good clothes. Makeup. Not wear my hair like this.” She reached up and raked a hand through her short hair, which was now growing out and showing dark blond roots.
When she didn’t continue, Rachel asked, “Why’d you stop trying?”
She shrugged. “Way better to act like you don’t care than to try and fail.”
Rachel could definitely relate to this. “Who said you were failing?”
She shrugged again. “Everybody ... my mom.”
“What did your mom say?” Rachel asked softly.
Zoe didn’t answer at first. “She didn’t have to say it. She was thinking it.”
Rachel took a long breath. “Eat some more crackers.”
Zoe did.
Rachel got up to get her a glass of water. When she returned, she said, “Zoe, I don’t know everything, but I think it’s important to be who God made you to be. If you want to wear sweatpants and black hair, then okay. But if you don’t, then don’t.”
Zoe looked confused.
“You may not have noticed, but I don’t exactly dress like everyone else.”
Zoe’s eyes drifted to the hat on her head. It was one of her favorites. It was made with actual peacock feathers. “Really? I hadn’t noticed.”
“You know why I wear this hat? Because I used to do the same thing you’re doing. I wasn’t good at looking like a lady, so I dressed like a man. I acted like a man. I wanted them to like me and the only way I thought I could accomplish that was to be one of them. But you know what? That failed miserably because that’s not really who I was. So I decided that I would just be me and not worry about who liked me. I started buying bright, bold, colorful clothing because I thought it was fun. Bright colors make me happy. I was so full of Jesus that I was full of joy, and I wanted that joy to show. I was tired of hiding.”
Zoe gave her a disgusted look. “Was this before or after your handsome husband came to save you? I’m guessing it was after? So you had the confidence to dress crazy?”
Rachel flinched. “My husband didn’t save me. Jesus did that. And I suppose my husband did give me more confidence, but I already had a lot of confidence because of Jesus.”
Zoe tipped her head back. She was obviously disgusted, and Rachel wasn’t sure where the conversation had gone off the tracks. She’d thought they were making good headway. “You said you were a single mom and then your husband came along and made everything okay.”
“I never said that. I was a single mom, yes, but I was a single mom depending wholly on Jesus. Life wasn’t perfect, but I was content, and I was filled up with him. When my husband came along, he was just icing on the cake of my life. He wasn’t the cake. I already had cake.” She scooted closer to Zoe and forced eye contact. “Zoe, no boy and no man will ever be the cake. That’s not what they’re designed for, and if you have that expectation, you will always be disappointed. And it’s not fair to the man. If you’re expecting him to fix all your problems, then he’ll fail. A man is just a man. But God is God. If you get right with God, you will be okay, whether or not you have a man.”
Zoe broke eye contact, and tears slid down her cheek.
Rachel reached out and gently wiped them away. “It’s going to be okay, Zoe. God’s got you. I have a feeling he’s had his hand on you for a long time.” She leaned back into the couch and pressed play on her phone. That was enough lecturing for now. Might as well watch the rest of the cow video. “Finish your crackers. Then get some sleep. I’m glad you’re home and safe. I was really scared.”
