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I couldn’t sleep. I lay next to Enzo in his silken bed with the lights out, marveling at how much quieter it was up here on the thirty-fifth floor. Back in my apartment in Pilsen, I felt like I was practically outside.
I couldn’t relax. Even though we’d just had amazing sex following an almost-equally amazing meal, something was ticking like mad inside my brain. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t quite manage to turn it off.
Finally, I slipped out of bed. There was a turquoise silk kimono-style robe on my side of the bed, and I figured that it was meant for me. Slipping it on made me feel glamorous, but I quickly realized how impractical the silk was: the sleeves slipped past my hands and buried them, making me feel like a kid playing dress-up in her mom’s clothes. The material felt good against my naked skin, though, and I belted it closely as I padded out to the kitchen.
All of the lights in Enzo’s condo had been turned out, and I watched in silent awe as the skyline flickered. It was still pitch-black outside, and Pepper was snoring soundly on the floor of the kitchen, but even seeing her didn’t make me feel confident and better about what had just happened.
It was impossible to relax or feel like I was at home. After all, I barely even knew Enzo. I had no idea what kind of guy he was. Besides salad and lamb, I had no idea what he even liked to eat. The gelato from earlier was still opened, and the spoon rested on the shiny counter, leaving a sticky puddle behind as I placed it in the sink. There was no sponge or roll of paper towels, or anything even resembling cleaning supplies. I gulped and turned back towards the incredible view from the living room.
Pepper must have sensed my presence; she got up and padded over to me, gently whining and pushing her head against my legs.
“I bet you’re thirsty, huh?” I rubbed her ears and started digging around in Enzo’s cabinets for a bowl to use for her water dish. The contents were as meticulous as I would expect: everything facing the front, all utensils grouped together, everything looking as neat and orderly as a model home. Like Enzo didn’t even live here.
Pepper whined as I finally found a plain-looking white ceramic dish and filled it with water before setting it down on the floor. She nosed the bowl over to the corner, slopping water over the sides, before flopping down on her belly and drinking in long, contented gulps.
Even knowing that she was better didn’t make me feel relaxed. I felt tense like I was on edge. Like this whole thing was just some kind of obvious, stupid joke. Like I was just waiting for Enzo to wake up and realize that he didn’t actually want to be with me.
“Pepper, come here,” I said in a low voice, beating my hand against my thigh. But she was still drinking, and I knew that I couldn’t pull her away.
With a sigh, I walked into the living room and flopped down on the taut black leather couch. The room which had seemed so tense and full of sexuality earlier didn’t seem to be doing much for the way I felt. Whenever I looked out at the huge, domineering skyline, I just felt empty inside.
I thought about my parents—what they’d say if they saw me in a place like this. The only advice Mom had ever given me—besides “Keep your head down and work harder than you think you need to”—was to find a good man, someone wealthy, someone who’d take care of me. It had never been a priority, but now I wondered if it was something I’d wanted along.
I swallowed hard. I love him, a voice chimed in from the back of my mind. I love him, and I don’t know what to do about it.
I was faced with an interesting dilemma: either I could tell Enzo how I felt, or try to assume that he’d just know. But I knew deep down, Enzo wouldn’t know. He was used to women falling in love with him, but I didn’t even know how to show how I felt.
I finally understood all of the romantic comedies that I’d seen over the years and all the jokes about feeling stupid and breathless around the object of your desire. I’d never thought that would become me. I was flustered and awkward around almost everyone, except for Carl. It didn’t seem right that I would be tongue-tied around someone like Enzo, at least not more so than I already felt.
My mouth felt dry, and my head was twanging with the beginning of a headache. I thought about going to Enzo’s bathroom and rifling through the cabinets for some ibuprofen, but the mere thought was exhausting. I didn’t want to get up, and I certainly didn’t want to wake him up. He was the kind of man who rarely slept, and I had a feeling this was the first sleep he’d gotten in quite a while.
Finally, Pepper finished drinking and walked back over to me, her toenails clicking on the hardwood floor. She whined a little and looked up at me with her big brown eyes.
“Sorry, Pep-pup,” I told her regretfully. “I don’t think Mr. Enzo would like you on his couch very much. This is leather.”
Pepper made a sighing noise and sunk down on the floor. I could tell that she was anxious, too. What was I doing here? Why had Enzo even brought me here in the first place?
To seduce me, I realized with a sinking feeling in my chest. He brought me here to fuck me again. The words felt strange and clunky in my mouth, like they were inaccurate. But I knew that I wasn’t wrong—that was exactly why we’d come here. Enzo knew what he was getting into when he’d brought me home.
I sighed. I wanted to talk to someone, anyone! But I had no idea to whom I could turn. Everything was muddled and complicated. Of course, I realized that the only person I really needed to speak with was Enzo. But he wouldn’t listen. I had a sinking feeling that he’d masterfully shut down any kind of relationship talk before it even had a chance to stick.
That was the kind of guy he was. I bit my lip, thinking of Karen. Would I become like her? Or would I just be fired?
This whole thing was giving me a headache. I didn’t even know what I wanted. I thought I wanted Enzo, but I knew that I couldn’t afford to lose my job. Whenever we were in the same room, all I could think about was him and his hands on me, how they were going to make me feel. And then whenever we parted ways, the anxiety and the doubt would begin to creep in almost as soon as he was out of sight.
I thought of him snoring away in the bedroom, completely oblivious that I was out here and feeling discomfort. But then again, I wouldn’t have wanted him to know that I was hurting. I felt private about my pain, like I didn’t even deserve to wallow. After all, I’d gotten myself into this mess. I’d let him seduce me, and I’d loved it.
Pepper barked, and I jolted up on the couch. “Pepper!” I scolded. “Hush!” She looked at me and thumped her tail on the floor. I sighed. If we were at home, I’d bundle up and take her outside. But as it stood, I had no idea how to even get back inside Enzo’s condo.
The inside was almost like a maze, and I had no idea where he kept his keys. I didn’t want to risk waking him up. Would he be mad that I’d slipped out of bed? Would he be grouchy? What was a guy like Enzo even like in the morning? I couldn’t imagine seeing him without his fancy suit and perfect hair.
I coughed once, then lay down on my back. The silk robe hadn’t warmed up to my skin, and the touch of the fabric against me was startlingly and alarming chill. The couch felt solid and hard underneath me—comfortable to sit on, but not exactly for a nap. There weren’t even any pillows or throw blankets. It was like the most sterile living room that I’d ever seen in my life.
Suddenly, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I sat up and pulled an elastic off my wrist, making a ponytail with my hair and knotting it at the nape of my neck. I motioned for Pepper to stay, then walked into the bedroom and tossed the silk robe on the floor.
After a second thought, I picked it up and gently folded it and put it on the bed. The slippery material made it nearly impossible to leave looking neat, but I didn’t want to offend Enzo more than I had to.
It took me a few minutes to find my jumper, turtleneck, leggings, bra, and panties in the dark. Enzo had scattered my clothes on the floor of the dressing room, and I dressed quickly, feeling a snake slipping back into her old, discarded skin. I set my mouth in a thin line and looked in the mirror. I looked exactly the same as I always had, not trussed up in expensive silk nightclothes like some kind of trophy wife.
“It’s better this way,” I said to my own reflection, startled at the huskiness of my voice.
Walking into the living room, I called for Pepper and quickly pulled a leash out of my purse. “We’re going home, Pep,” I murmured, rubbing her ears. “We don’t belong here.”