‘Angel!’ Lee shouted, finally snapping her from her thoughts.
‘What?’ She looked from the fire and up at his critical face.
‘Glad you’re still with us.’
Jason grumbled something – probably a slur – under his breath while others stifled snide giggles.
‘I wouldn’t be anywhere else,’ she said.
‘Good. Good. So?’
‘So what?’
‘I was saying, tonight we’re welcoming our newest member here. The man sitting next to you?’
She glanced over at the guy by her side, a really pleased look on his face.
‘And?’ she said to Lee.
‘Were you listening to anything I said?’ Lee was doing his best schoolteacher voice now. Condescending on another level.
‘Not really.’
Lee sighed. ‘I’ll backtrack. Our newest member, Andre, has driven all the way from Devon to be with us today. It’s his first time at Heartlands Retreat.’
‘First time I’ve done any kind of rehab,’ Andre blurted out as though the qualification was an important one to him.
But Angel knew even before Lee’s face soured that the host wouldn’t like it. ‘We don’t use that word here,’ he said. ‘This isn’t rehab. This is a wellness retreat. A chance for us all to connect, reconnect with our minds and our souls. To learn and to grow. To—’
‘OK, I apologize,’ Andre said, holding his hands up, although he didn’t exactly sound contrite.
‘It’s fine,’ Lee said. ‘The point, Angel, is that I know you’ve had a hard time opening up to us here about your… past. Your troubles.’ A few others around the campfire nodded as though cementing the fact that they saw a problem in Angel not wanting to air her pain. ‘And that’s your right. We will never force people around this circle to discuss anything that they don’t want to discuss. But I do know from my many years of experience that one of the best forms of healing is talking.’ Murmurs of agreement. ‘And… Of course, I’m privy to both of your backgrounds, and I can only say that the two of you share some striking similarities.’
‘We do?’ Andre said, looking pleased with himself.
‘You’ve both suffered through… addiction,’ Lee said, treading carefully as though trying to recall what Angel had already made public. Not a lot, but she had spoken about how she was now clean. Which wasn’t entirely true, but still. ‘And both of your home lives have been affected adversely as a result.’
Angel held her eye on Andre now, looking for a flinch or other reaction that would show his pain. A pain she could truly understand and feel sympathy for. If it was real.
‘So?’ Lee prompted after a few moments of silence.
‘What?’
‘Is there anything you’d like to share, Angel? Perhaps some words to explain how Heartlands has helped you on your journey. Why you keep coming back here, even now that you’re… You know?’
‘Not mandated to come here by the terms of my probation?’ Angel suggested. The mention of the p-word led to a few raised eyebrows. And Angel was well aware that some others were here because it was mandated as part of their early release from prison – they’d openly stated that – but she’d never specifically talked about her time behind bars. She did everything she could to not even think about that time.
‘Yes, I guess so,’ Lee said rather feebly.
‘I think the point’s already been made,’ Angel said. ‘I spent a few years behind bars—’
‘Figures,’ Jason said, just loudly enough for everyone to hear. Angel sent him a death glare but pushed thoughts of violence away.
‘And when I got early release it was based on various conditions. One of which was that I continue to see a psychotherapist, to help with my PTSD. I also had to come here.’
‘Yes, but you’ve continued to come here even though it’s no longer required of you?’ Lee said, in such a way as to suggest he didn’t want to dwell too much on the prison aspect of her past even if that, and everything that went with it, was the whole point of how her life had spiraled downward.
Plus, if she was still coming here, didn’t that kind of suggest that the wellness methods here weren’t really all that successful given she was still messed up in all sorts of ways?
She decided not to make that point.
‘I have,’ Angel said. ‘I just can’t get enough of this damn rain.’
She smiled and received a few sniggers in response.
‘Anything else?’ Lee asked. ‘The fact you’re such a repeat visitor suggests you’ve found healing here? Trust, in yourself and others? Can you tell us about that?’
‘Trust?’ Angel’s mood soured as she dwelled on that word. ‘Sorry, Lee, but… One thing I’ve learned through all of my… turmoil, is that I simply can’t and never will be able to trust anyone or anything, not anymore. Not in the outside world, or here.’
This wasn’t going how Lee had wanted it to. He really should have picked someone else if he’d wanted someone singing the praises of this place. Karen, perhaps, who was so up to her eyeballs with anti-depressants she’d have exclaimed how wonderful it was if someone went over to her and hacked her arm off with a blunt dinner knife.
‘That’s sad to hear,’ Lee said. ‘We strive to create an open, trusting environment here, where we don’t pass judgment because of what our residents have done or have suffered from in the past.’
Nods to that, everyone trying to convince themselves. Lie to themselves, more like.
‘Why, Angel, do you feel you can’t trust people anymore?’
‘Because everyone lies for their own benefit.’
‘You’ve been—’
‘So, Andre, you were an addict?’ Angel said, turning from Lee and to the newcomer.
‘Yeah, I’ve struggled.’
‘Alcohol?’
‘Mainly.’
‘You’re sober now?’
‘Three months.’
Angel laughed. Something about the way he said that.
‘Liar,’ she said and Andre looked annoyed, and a little embarrassed, and a few others groaned in shock as though they couldn’t bear where this was going. Another Angel calamity in the making.
‘Angel, please—’
But once again she had no interest in whatever bullshit Lee was about to say.
‘See what I mean?’ she said, addressing the group. ‘We’re all liars. We do it to convince ourselves, others. We do it to hide from truths. But I can tell just by looking at him that Andre hasn’t been sober for three months. If he was finding it that easy he wouldn’t be here, for starters. Yeah, it’s not rehab. But it’s also not for people who have their shit together. Is it, really?’
No one answered that.
‘So, Andre, how many drinks have you actually had in the last three months?’
‘A few,’ he said.
‘But you’re trying to be sober, right?’
‘Right.’
‘So, what gives?’
He thought about that for a few moments, never breaking Angel’s eye contact. ‘Life is shit without it,’ he said. ‘Alcohol makes me feel… something.’
Angel laughed. ‘Yeah, and that’s crap too, but at least you believe it. But maybe Lee’s right. Me and you? We share some similarities. Let me guess – your wife wants you to quit for good?’
She’d noticed the ring on his finger.
‘I have to,’ Andre said. ‘For her. For my kids.’
‘How many?’
‘Two. Girl and boy. Eleven and nine.’
‘They know you’re an alcoholic?’
‘A recovering alcoholic. And no, they don’t.’
‘Good for you. So if you stay sober, you stay married?’
‘No,’ he said. ‘She left me already. Divorce is pending. But if I stay sober, the judge pulls the restraining order and I maybe get visits, or something.’
Angel paused there, a little taken aback by his responses – his pain – because she hadn’t expected quite the parallel to her own life that she’d just heard. Which annoyed her. As though she was special and suffering more than the other people here.
‘But I really am trying,’ Andre said. ‘I don’t want to let them down. I’d do anything for them. I want to quit, and I’m determined that I will. And if I slip up every now and then… It’s early days. But I’m in this for the long haul. I’ll get there and I hope that coming here will only help me achieve that, in the long run.’
‘You’re very brave,’ Gloria said, clasping her hands together like she’d just heard the most heartwarming story.
‘Thank you,’ Andre said. ‘So what about you, Angel? Shall I dissect you now?’
‘If you want.’
She had nothing to hide here. She’d only not spoken much before because it was none of anyone else’s business, but she wasn’t scared of talking about her life.
‘Alcohol?’
‘Anything I could get my hands on,’ she said. ‘Opium, to start with. Or some cheap derivative, at least. That was what everyone was given in prison in Beirut.’ She’d never mentioned Beirut here before. Too painful. Too complicated. She kept her focus on Jason so she couldn’t see the others’ reactions but she heard the oohs and other murmurs. Shit, the rabble were loving this. Jason would be salivating, most likely. ‘But it’s not so easy to get that kind of stuff here in England. So when I was finally transferred here, I went on to painkillers.’
‘How long were you in prison?’
‘Five years of a ten-year sentence. Four of those in Lebanon. And believe me, those four felt like forty. Prison in England was like a holiday camp.’
‘What were you in for?’
‘Attempted murder.’
‘You tried to kill someone?’ Andre said.
‘Obviously. That’s what it means, dickhead.’
Andre smiled. Not the most appropriate response.
‘Who’d you try to kill?’
‘Someone I didn’t know. Accidentally.’
‘You were—’
‘I was fine before I went to prison. Husband, and the most amazing daughter you could imagine.’
She fought back the emotion now. She thought she did pretty well.
‘You want to know how and why I became an addict?’ she asked.
Andre nodded.
‘Because I never expected for my life to crumble like that. And ten years? I was set to miss most of my daughter’s childhood. I wasn’t getting out until she was sixteen. The thought alone nearly killed me. And that rotting cesspit in Lebanon could break anyone. So I fell into a hole. Pretty quickly, actually. I honestly didn’t think I’d make it out of there alive. But then I got brought back here. Low security. Except the damage was already done and there it was easier to smuggle stuff in. My favorite mix? A bottle of vodka and half a dozen anti-psychotics in an evening. Fuck, the release that gave me. It was like floating out of my own body. I got to be away from me. I finally got to see the mess I was to everyone else too and I didn’t want to be it. So I wanted that release more and more. I lived for those moments where I didn’t have to be Angel at all.’
‘You still got early release, even though—’
‘I’m an even better liar than most. It’s how I’m so good at spotting others. No one knew.’
‘You lied to the parole board?’ Jason piped up, as disgusted as he was enthused.
‘Jason, please, we’re not passing judgment here,’ Lee said. ‘Remember?’
‘But you know the worst part of it all?’ Angel said to Andre. ‘And what really sent me over the edge?’
‘What?’ Andre asked.
‘The whole time I was inside… My husband, Paul… He talked as though we had a future. All I had to do was get through prison. I’d come out, I’d get clean, we’d be together again. Him, me, Sasha.’
‘But?’
‘But he’s a lying piece of shit and a coward,’ Angel said. ‘I dunno. Maybe he actually thought it’d be ten years and he had more time than he thought to tell me the truth. But he… he jumped on my problems the second I got out. So, Jason, before you go getting all excited about stabbing me in the back, the parole board knows now. I came out and I got… worse. A lot worse. Paul kicked me out less than three weeks after my release. It was the morning after I came home from having my stomach pumped in hospital because the bottle of vodka I drank the night before together with a box of painkillers was a lot stronger than the watered-down, fake shit in prison. I begged and pleaded and begged some more for him to take me back, for him to let me see Sasha, but before I knew it he had lawyers involved and then the courts and then…’
Silence. Everyone stared, waiting for her to carry on. Clearly, they all knew what was coming next was the most painful part for her and they couldn’t get enough of it.
‘Not only did he divorce me, but he got sole custody of Sasha and an order from the courts that I couldn’t see my daughter, not at all, until I’d got a clean bill of mental health from a doctor of his choosing, with open access to my medical records, plus evidence of me being sober, drug-free, for at least a six-month period.’
‘How long ago was that?’ Andre asked.
‘That was nearly two years ago. Except, I didn’t touch a drink, take any medication whatsoever, not even a damn painkiller for nearly twelve months. I came here several times during that period. I saw every doctor he insisted I see. And what happened? He fought with everything he had to block me from her still. You want to know why?’
‘Why?’
‘Because he’d long since shacked up with his new thing. Bella the fucking bimbo. Not only was he living with her, with my daughter, but they got married, had their own kid. And the worst of it? He met her while I was inside, languishing in Beirut. He’d done nothing but bullshit me for years. He’d never intended on taking me back, even if I hadn’t been a suicidal junkie.’
‘Shit,’ Andre said and for some dumb reason he reached out and put his hand onto hers and she had a tough call to make. Leave her hand there, smothered by his touch, or go and grab a burning log and pummel his nicely framed face a few times until it wasn’t so nicely framed anymore.
‘Yeah,’ was all she said in the end, not moving. She looked around the group and tried to somehow eke out confidence from their shocked, disgusted glares. ‘Which all explains why I’m not the trusting type these days.’
She laughed but no one else followed suit and soon most people were looking away, trying to find a distraction. Andre finally took his hand back.
‘Shall we get the sausages out?’ Gloria suggested.
Jason sniggered like a small child but at least the mood lightened a bit.
‘Yes, Gloria,’ Lee said. ‘Let’s do that.’

* * *
Four hours later Angel finally got to take a much-needed shower, washing away sweat, tears, a lot of campfire smoke, and a decent amount of tension with it all too. She came out of the bathroom – a towel wrapped tightly around her cleansed skin – feeling all kinds of rejuvenated, not just from the warm water but from the whole night, really.
She hated the niggling little voice in her head. Lee’s voice. Telling her how proud he was of her for opening up, talking candidly about her troubles finally, but… The truth was, she did feel better for it. Just a tiny burden lifted, even if it didn’t actually change reality at all.
More than that though, she’d enjoyed the night. After the shaky start, after her anguish, everyone had steered well clear of tension. They’d laughed, told stupid jokes, stories. They’d bonded. More so than at any other point that Angel had been to this place.
And she knew one reason for that: the person who’d sat next to her through the night.
She flinched at the knock on the door. Waited to see if whoever it was would announce themselves. They didn’t, so Angel edged quietly to the door and pushed her face close to the peephole.
She opened the door a few inches and Andre clocked her, and the towel – and she noticed the sparkle in his eyes.
‘What do you want?’ she asked.
‘Just seeing if you were busy. Or… if you wanted some company.’
‘You brought anything with you?’ she asked.
‘Sorry?’
‘Wine, whiskey.’
‘You serious?’ And the questioning look suggested he was.
‘No, idiot.’ She opened the door, keeping herself mostly hidden behind the wood as she beckoned him in. She closed the door softly, standing with her back up against it as Andre looked around the room, as though searching for something, before he turned to face her.
‘You… just showered?’ he asked.
‘You’re some detective.’
He shrugged.
‘So why don’t you tell me what you’re really doing here?’ she said.
‘You invited me in.’
‘You didn’t expect that?’
He didn’t answer.
‘You wanna screw me?’ she asked and then held his eye as his cheeks blushed a little. Cute. ‘You can’t if you won’t even say it,’ she added.
He pulled himself together. It didn’t take much. The guy was confident. Sure of himself. She’d figured that from the moment she’d first laid eyes on him.
‘Ask me again then,’ he said.
‘You wanna screw me?’
‘Yeah. I do. Why else would I be here?’
She said nothing. Neither did he. It was a standoff of sorts – who’d break first?
‘So?’ he said. She smiled and he shook his head, knowing he’d crumbled before her. ‘Do you wanna screw me?’
‘Why else would I have invited you in here,’ she said.
She slipped off the towel and enjoyed the hungry look in his eyes as he moved toward her for the kill.