Breathe in, hold, breathe out. Have a drink, just one. It’ll help to numb the pain. I’m pacing the hallway, back and forth. I’m trying to breathe. Trying to stay calm. It’s not working.
‘Eva, talk to me,’ Stevie says. He’s sitting on the bottom of the stairs, clutching a glass of whisky.
I stop, stare down at him. ‘How’s about you talk to me? Maybe you could start with where all this has come from?’ Every nerve inside me is rattling, as though I’m standing on shaking ground.
‘I don’t know. I truly don’t know.’ His eyes are cast down, shoulders slumped. I want to hold him close and punch him all at the same time.
I push past him, taking the stairs two at a time. I hear him calling after me and his footsteps are on the stairs. I push open the door to our bedroom and walk into the dressing room. The dress is hanging on the rail where I left it when I took it off last night. I slide my hand into the pocket and pull out the photograph. I glare at it, at him. Could this be one of the women who have accused him of assault? An affair gone wrong? A lover who wants revenge because he wouldn’t leave his wife for her? Could that be what this is all about? Money?
I hear him come into the bedroom and I spin around so I am facing him. With the picture in my hand, I wave it at him. ‘Maybe you could start by explaining this?’
His eyes fall onto the picture and he remains perfectly still. ‘What is that?’
I take a step closer, closing the gap between us and shove the image at him. He takes it in his hand and stares down at it. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds.
‘Doesn’t this look just like you? Your arm around another woman and your hand on her fucking thigh. That’s your car, isn’t it?’
I see him swallow, as if trying to gulp down the guilt.
‘Yes, that’s my car,’ he says. His voice cracks and the words leave his lips on a whisper.
‘So who is she?’
I wait for him to start lying. To tell me that someone must have doctored him into the image. That it’s not really him and that someone is trying to set him up. Because that is what I want him to say, even if it isn’t true. I want to believe that the man I cannot be without couldn’t do anything like this. That he wouldn’t be capable of hurting me this way. With every thud my heart makes, the pain of reality sinks in. He has done this. He has been with someone else. I can see it in his eyes and I want to cry out, let the emotion out of my chest.
‘She’s a woman I met in a bar after a meeting at work,’ he says.
‘And?’ I look up at him, hoping that the story ends there.
‘… And we had sex. I’ve been sleeping with her for the last month, on and off.’ He looks up from the picture and into my eyes. They’re shiny, emotional. ‘Is that what you want me to say? Is that what you want to hear?’
He draws his eyes away from me and walks towards the window. Stares out to the gardens at the back of the house. Our home.
‘If it’s the truth, then yes,’ I say quietly before clearing my throat. ‘But it still doesn’t explain these accusations that have come out.’
He takes a deep breath before drinking back his whisky. Swallowing hard and baring his teeth, Stevie turns to look at me.
‘Of course it’s not fucking true.’ Another sip of whisky. ‘The police contacted me a few days ago, wanted to ask me some questions about the accusations. My lawyer and I went to the station voluntarily and took care of it.’
‘Why am I just finding out about this now?’ I bellow. He flinches at my outburst and the whisky sloshes in his glass.
‘Because it was sorted. I thought things were fine. I had an alibi for all three accusations and—’
‘An alibi?’ I reply. ‘That makes you sound innocent.’
‘And the police let me walk out. No charges were brought against me. My lawyer says it was fine. I didn’t expect this to happen. I am innocent, Eva. I promise you.’
I shake my head in disbelief. ‘I mean, I know you’ve always had women falling at your feet, but to be so careless that you would be accused of this? If you’ve slept with someone else, Stevie, you have to be upfront with me if we’re going to get this sorted.’
‘How can you think I would cheat on you, Eva?’ His voice lowers this time and that’s when my voice cracks.
I move towards my dressing table, sit down and open the bottom drawer. My eyes scan to the right and I pull out the tiny polythene bag, open it and pour the contents on to the table.
‘Are you fucking kidding?’ Stevie says. ‘You’re going back to snorting that crap because you can’t handle this?’ I watch him as he throws the picture onto our bed.
‘I shouldn’t have to handle anything. This isn’t just me finding out you’re going away on a boys’ weekend the day before your flight, Stevie. I have just discovered that the media are splashing around accusations that you have sexually assaulted or raped three women. This is about the fact that someone slid that picture into my dress pocket at Carla’s gig for a reason. Someone wanted me to know about this before it came out,’ I say. ‘So don’t stand there and fucking judge me for this.’ Leaning forward, I sniff up the white powder. Initially, I feel like I’m going to choke. Once that feeling subsides, I wait for the warmth to kick in. It doesn’t, not like the first time. Shaking my head, I take another line and rub at my nose with a tissue. I get to my feet and make for the door, reaching down to retrieve the image from the duvet.
‘Eva?’ Stevie’s voice hits me somewhere deep inside and I turn to face him. ‘If I could do anything to stop this from happening, then I would.’
‘If you really were innocent of any wrongdoing, illegal or otherwise,’ I say, waving the picture in the air, ‘then you wouldn’t have to do anything to stop this from happening. Women don’t just make up shit like this, Stevie.’
He charges across the room towards me and I stand firm. I never knew this could happen, how intense love for someone can turn to sour milk in just a few exchanges. He reaches me and his eyes are wide. ‘What the hell are you saying? That you think I’m capable of rape?’
I take a deep breath and somehow it calms me, like how the water suddenly stills after a storm. I’m going to do it. I’m going to tell him the one thing I promised I never would. It was a momentary blip, something that I found out about him but chose to keep to myself because I wanted to be with him so much, for us to have a future together.
‘I almost didn’t go through with our wedding.’
Shocked, he steps back. Colour drains from his face. ‘What?’
‘Our wedding. I almost didn’t go through with it.’
His brow wrinkles, his eyes narrowing as he waits for me to elaborate.
‘That’s the drugs talking.’
‘Is it?’ I reply solemnly. ‘Or could it be because you slept with someone behind my back not long before our wedding? You thought I didn’t know but I did. I found out and never told you because… well, because I’m a fucking idiot.’
Stevie looks bewildered and I almost laugh. I’m so hysterical with various emotions that I feel like I’m going mad.
‘You’re insane,’ Stevie replies as if reading my thoughts. ‘I have no idea what you’re on about.’
‘Oh fuck off, Stevie, yes, you do. I can’t deal with this right now,’ I say. ‘My brother is in the process of falling apart downstairs so your little problem will have to wait.’
I go downstairs and into the kitchen. Did that just happen? Did I just turn my back on my husband? The person I am unable to live without? Maybe he’s right, maybe all that was just the drugs talking, pumping me full of adrenaline and giving me false confidence. Either way, I push the thought out of my head as I enter the room.
Mum, Gav and Maureen are inside and they’ve closed the blinds.
‘Press are outside,’ Maureen says. ‘Can I get you anything, Mrs Laird?’
‘Don’t call me that. My name is Eva Shaw.’ I glance at my brother. He looks broken as he nurses a whisky. Mum is drinking a brandy and staring at me, her expression warning me to remain calm.
‘Oh, sorry,’ Maureen replies, lowering her head.
‘Eva, don’t speak to Maureen that way. None of this is her fault,’ Mum says. I shake my head in response but I don’t say anything to her. Maureen turns and almost scurries out of the room, like she knew she shouldn’t be part of what is about to happen.
‘Gavin, I have something to tell you. I need to come clean,’ I say. ‘About the allegation.’
Stevie has followed me into the kitchen and when I turn to face him, he looks like he is about to drop dead, the colour in his face has disappeared.
‘What about it?’ Gav asks.
‘Eva, I’m warning you—’ Mum starts.
‘He has a right to know what we did. This is all my fault. Our fault. If we’d just sat back and allowed her to do what she said she was going to do then we wouldn’t be in this situation right now.’
My entire adult life, my marriage, my relationship with my brother… I’ve lived through all of it based on a lie. My lies have followed me and now karma has dealt me a massive blow: the person I trust most in the entire world has betrayed me in the worst possible way and it’s all because of my lies.
‘Eva, what is it?’ Gav asks.
‘It’s about Kate, about what we did to her. About what I did to her.’
Gavin frowns, a look of confusion sweeping across his face. My mother frowns too.
‘It’ll ruin us, Eva. All of us. Do you want that on your conscience?’ My mother grabs my arm, almost shakes me. I shrug her off and Gavin looks weary.
I stare into his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t hide it anymore.’ And I tell him the truth. I tell them all the truth.