Around an hour has passed since Eva left. An hour since she asked me to wait until she’d spoken to her mother about this.
I don’t feel pain, I don’t feel fear or loathing. I’m just numb. Being friends with Gavin, I hadn’t expected this of him. He had become a businessman, a man of wealth and success. Of power. Why had he felt the need to drug me, because that is what happened. I hadn’t had that much to drink and I wasn’t taking drugs that night, so that is the only way to explain all of this.
I remember the four of us going back to his house. Eva disappeared with Stevie into the conservatory and I remember sitting up with Gavin while he had a few more drinks. That’s the last I really remember about that night, before I woke up in that spare room, no underwear and no recollection. It wasn’t until a few days later when things started coming back to me. The heaviness on my chest, the darkened room and the fact that I couldn’t move. I’d been spiked to a point of paralysis so he could attack me. Why would he do that to me? I thought Gavin was different, and I certainly didn’t think he was guilty of the accusation against him from before they’d moved here. Now, I’m not so sure. Perhaps he was and Mrs Shaw knew it, which is why she paid the girl off. It was wrong of her to do that, regardless of the truth. But now, I’ve suffered for the decision she made back then.
What is going to happen to my friendship with Eva? I can tell she doesn’t believe me, or at least she doesn’t want to. Eva says that if things went sour between Gavin and me, she would always remain my friend. But I don’t think any of us could have imagined this development. Rape. It’s bad enough that her relationship with her mum is strained, this will surely cause more problems. Gav won’t acknowledge this. I know him well enough to appreciate that he won’t jeopardise the reputation he’s taken so long to repair and build. No, he’ll keep quiet, play dumb.
Staring up at the ceiling, the memory I was so desperate to find now won’t leave me alone. The smell of smoke, the aftershave, his breath. The heaviness on my chest. The darkness grips me as I remember what happened that night. How he forced himself on me and there was nothing I could do to stop him. I was paralysed, pinned to the mattress and everything that was happening was without my control. I remember his lips to my ear, whispering something. But I can’t remember what he said. I’m not sure I want to know.
How could he do that to me? I thought we’re supposed to be friends. But Gav has always been power hungry. His business has grown so quickly and he is in charge of so many people now, including Stevie and Eva. He has control over so much that now when I think about it, I was the only one he couldn’t control until I was unconscious.
The story of his past pops into my head and I realise what I have to do. I have to contact the girl who accused him of this. I sit up and run my hands through my hair.
Am I insane? Did this actually happen to me? I wouldn’t just pluck it from thin air. I remember. I remember what happened to me.
He thought he would get away with this because perhaps he did back then.
I won’t let him. But I don’t want to lose my best friend either. Eva isn’t close to either her mother or Gavin, not really. She’ll stand by me. I know she will.