WHEN MAMA and Pa got home, we were so excited that we jumped all over them. Alexis, our cook, had planned a special supper. Pa's favorite: chops and mashed potatoes and mixed vegetables. But Pa did not join in the conversation at table and he scarce ate. Halfway through supper he complained of a headache.
General Wayne, seeing something the rest of us did not, bade us children to lower our voices, to finish our dinners, and to leave the table.
Martha, of course, pouted. Our parents had brought us presents and had promised we could open them in the parlor as soon as the meal was finished.
"Can we open them now?" Martha asked on leaving.
Mama did not answer. Her eyes were fastened on Pa, who said his eyes hurt.
"It's that afternoon sun you insisted on walking in at the Gibbonses' plantation," Mama chided him. "I told you to wear a hat, and you wouldn't. Your chronic eye pain must be flaring up again, darling. Anthony, I think he should go to bed in a darkened room."
General Wayne stood up, taking charge. I ushered Nat and Louisa out of the dining room. Martha still stood there, waiting for an answer about her present.
George reached out and grabbed her arm. "Come on," he said. "Can't you see Pa is ailing?"
Martha pulled away from him. "Leave me be!"
"Martha!" General Wayne ordered sharply. "Go with your brother. Right now!"
Startled, Martha sassed him. "You can't talk to me like that."
Wayne took two steps toward her. I could not see the look on his face, but in an instant Martha decided to follow us into the front parlor.
General Wayne helped Pa upstairs. Mama followed. I heard his orders for a basin of cold water and soft cloths.
I saw Eulinda appear from downstairs, ghost-like, and follow Mama up.
A few minutes later, I heard General Wayne's voice from behind the closed door of Mama and Pa's chamber, ordering Eulinda out, then her soft footfalls, and the door that led to her suite of rooms downstairs slammed shut.
Phineas Miller read to us that evening in the back parlor. He read from Henry VIII, a pompous idiot-like selection, considering the ages of Louisa and Nat. Yale graduate, I thought, and wondered what General Wayne would have to say.
I held my younger brother and sister next to me on the Persian carpet as he read. An hour or so went by, but it seemed like three. I was in agony, wondering what was going on upstairs with Pa.
Soon both Louisa and Nat fell asleep, simply by virtue of the droning of Miller's voice, and when Emily, their nurse, peeked her head in the room and saw them sleeping, she picked up Louisa. George did likewise with Nat, and they carried them off to prepare them for bed.
Miller left for his own quarters, which were in the schoolhouse.
I fell asleep, too, curled up on the carpet in the parlor, until General Wayne came down and woke me. "Go to bed, Cornelia. Your father is asleep. Your mother, also."
I sat up. Martha, who was lying next to me, sat up, rubbing her eyes. "I hate you," she said to General Wayne.
"I marvel at the fact that you can find the energy to hate at a time like this," he told her mildly.
I stood up. "Is my pa going to be all right?" I asked.
Wayne's face was grave. "He still had his headache when he went off to sleep. Since my room is down the hall, I told your mother to wake me if there is an emergency during the night. If the headache persists tomorrow, I'll send for Dr. Brickell."
"You'll stay with us, then? And see this through?"
He put his hand on the back of my neck, drew me to him, and kissed my forehead. "Yes, I'll be here. He's my dear friend, and I'll be here for him. Now go to bed. Your mother will need you tomorrow."
Before I left the room, I heard Martha give a disdainful snort, saw General Wayne scowl at her, and say, "Mind yourself, young lady."
She gave another snort before she left the room.
***
I SCARCE SLEPT that night, worrying about Pa. Oh, I went off to sleep, but soon afterward woke with a start. A thought had seized me like a bear, and I was in its fierce grip and being shaken by it.
Martha told Pa what Eulinda had said. On their ride, the morning Mama and Pa left on their trip. And that is what she'd meant when she'd accosted me right before I went down to question Eulinda.
"You never asked about Pa's and my ride the morning they left."
And, "We had a long conversation. We talked about everything."
I sat up in bed. The thought had me shaking.
That is why Pa is sick now, I told myself. On that ride, Martha told Pa that General Wayne is my father! And Pa brooded on it on their trip. And now it is killing him!
I pushed aside the mosquito netting, got out of bed, and sat on the edge of it for a moment. Then I heard a noise. Or was it the slamming of my heart in my breast? In the middle of the night, I could not separate reality from fantasy.
So I walked across the hardwood floor in my bare feet and opened the door, not caring whether the noise was real or in my head. What difference did it make, anyway?
Turned out, it was real. As I peered down the hall, there was General Wayne, fully dressed except for his jacket and boots, going into Pa and Mama's room.
An emergency, then.
Fear took over my body, owned it. Was my pa dead? I crept, in my long, thin summer nightgown, down the hallway, to listen outside their door.
There were murmurings. Mama's voice. "But his forehead is swelling."
"Keep the cold cloths on it," from Wayne.
"Oh, Anthony, I'm so frightened."
"Do you want me to sit with you?"
"Oh, I couldn't impose on you like that."
"It isn't an imposition, Caty. You know that. Here, I'll help you keep a vigil till morning. Then we'll send for the doctor. Halt—what was that sound?"
I'd let out a sob. Oh, stupid me! In a moment the door of the room opened and he stood there in the darkened hall, a lantern in his hand.
"Who's there? Cornelia? Is that you? Come here."
I went to him, hesitantly.
He stood there, his white shirt open at the neck, his hair tousled. "What are you about, at this time of the morning?"
"I heard a noise. I was worried about my pa."
He nodded, studying my face. "What is bothering you, child?"
I stared at the tin grillwork of the lantern he held. "General Wayne, I fear Martha told my pa what Eulinda told her. And that's what's made him sick. He's dying of a broken heart. Oh, General Wayne, someone must talk to him about it."
"Go to bed, child. Your pa sleeps comfortably. Even if Martha told him, he trusts me. And your mother. Now it's your mother who concerns me at the moment. I must keep a vigil this night with her. Mayhap she'll fall asleep. She needs her sleep. Tomorrow we'll get the doctor. The best thing you can do for all concerned is go to bed. I may need you in the morning."
"Yes, sir."
"Tomorrow, you can tell your pa what a good father he is. And how much you love him."
***
BUT IN THE MORNING Pa could not talk.
General Wayne had sent, at first light, for Dr. John Brickell and had Emily wake us all early. Before breakfast, he gathered Martha, Nat, Louisa, George, and myself around him in the front parlor.
He told us Pa could not speak for the moment, that the doctor was coming shortly, that as soon as he was finished talking we were to go, one by one, upstairs to see Pa, quietly. We were to smile, pick up his hand and kiss it, tell him we were well and behaving, and that this very morning after breakfast, George was taking us to the El-bridges', a neighboring plantation, so the house would be quiet and he could rest.
We were not to cry or cause him any concern. Did we understand?
We said we did. Then, one by one, the others started upstairs.
General Wayne put his hand on my shoulder and held me back. "You are to stay here, Cornelia," he said.
***
SO GEORGE, capable George, took the others to the Elbridges'.
It was Sunday morning, the eighteenth of June, one of those days God favors us with when He wants to show us how perfect the world can be. All is perfection in His creation, all of nature is in harmony. One dare not think a bad thought on a day like this.
But the moment I entered my pa's bedchamber I knew he was dying. He was lying motionless in the bed, eyes closed and breathing regularly, but his forehead was considerably swelled up.
My first thought was God, you must like to play cruel jokes.
Mama was there, of course, seeming smaller than herself in a harp-backed chair. She was wrapped in a blue silk robe. The same color blue formed circles under her eyes.
"Why haven't you gone to the Elbridges' with the others?" This was how she greeted me.
I did not answer, for I did not know why. General Wayne did, and I let him answer for me.
"I want her here," he told Mama. "I need someone to help, and she's the least trouble. Does as she's told. Keeps a still tongue in her head."
I saw Mama exchange a meaningful look with him, but I did not know what significance to put on it.
Neither did I know, straight away, what was expected of me.
"Sit down in that chair," General Wayne ordered briskly. He gestured to a small chair in the corner of the room. "And stay quiet." He did not look at me but went about attending to Pa, smoothing the sheet just under his chin, wiping his forehead with a fresh cool cloth. They were waiting for the doctor.
I obeyed and made myself as small as possible while I looked around.
Mama and Pa's bedchamber always gave me a feeling of awe. There was something so special about it, with the large tester bed usually covered with the embroidery-worked bedspread, the cherry washstand with the blue and white pitcher and basin imported from Holland, and the enormous cherry clothespress in which, I knew, was the blue silk gown in which my mother had been married. In front of the fireplace were the andirons that my pa had made himself at the forge he used to run up in Rhode Island. They had lions' heads.
The whole room was, to me, sacred, nothing less.
Within minutes, Dr. Brickell came. He was white-haired and plump. He had hurried to us and was wiping the sweat from his brow. Immediately, he removed his jacket and rolled up his shirtsleeves, bowed to Mama, nodded to me, shook hands with General Wayne, and went right to Pa's side.
Pa woke, but he still could not speak. I saw panic in his eyes, but the doctor becalmed him.
Dr. Brickell drew some blood from Pa. I could not see the whole business because the doctor's body shielded the procedure, but I did not want to see it. Next he gave Pa some medicine.
I just sat there, quiet and not moving. I think they all forgot about me, and I was just as glad, for surely Mama would have sent me from the room had she noticed me.
Then Dr. Brickell told General Wayne and Mama that he wanted a consultant. "I would like to send for Dr. Donald MacLeod," he suggested. "I wish to confer with him."
So a servant was summoned and an urgent note sent to Dr. MacLeod. General Wayne told me to show Dr. Brickell the way to the kitchen and have Alexis serve him some refreshments, and while I was there to bring up a tray with two coffees, one for him and one for Mama.
I did my task without mishap. Now Pa was lying awake. I appealed with my eyes to General Wayne when I handed him his coffee. And he understood immediately what it was that I wanted.
He nodded yes, set down his cup, took me by the hand, and led me around the bed to Pa's side. "Just one minute, no more," he whispered as he leaned over Pa with me a moment.
One minute! What could I say in one minute? I needed a week! A lifetime! And even then I did not think I could make the words work to tell Pa what I needed to say.
Why, the words had not been invented yet that would cover what feelings I had.
Where to start? No matter what I said, I knew that I would spend the rest of my life amending my words, knowing I hadn't said it right, wishing I had another chance.
"Pa," I whispered. "Pa?"
Had he even heard me? I took his hand.
His eyes blinked.
"It's Cornelia, Pa. I want to tell you something. Can you hear me?"
His eyes blinked again.
My heart raced. He could hear me. And he wanted to let me know.
Now, Cornelia, say it. What? I asked myself. The only thing there is to say, idiot, the only thing that matters.
"I love you, Pa. I just wanted to let you know. And you have always been a good pa. That's what I wanted to say."
General Wayne was coming around from the other side of the bed, where he'd been sitting next to Mama. He was coming to get me.
I clung to Pa's hand because I knew, inside me where you know such things, that this was the last chance I'd have to hold his hand.
Then General Wayne was standing next to me, his huge, gentle presence hovering over me, his left arm around my shoulder, his right hand over mine, removing it from Pa's.
"That's good, Cornelia," he said. "You did good. Now why don't you come along and let him rest, eh?"
And gently, he kissed the side of my face.
He hadn't shaved yet this morning, and he was always clean-shaven. I felt the fuzz of his unshaven face against mine.
I went with him, away from Pa, who had already closed his eyes. I went back to my chair in the corner.