Jenny could tell that Jonah didn’t really understand. He knew of her reliance on painkillers but not how close she’d come to overdosing. Her craving for them was stronger than any weak feeling she might have for another person. Their landlady had saved her from that even while Bridget brained her with the water carafe – one of the more bizarre ways to deter a would-be suicide: try to kill her yourself.
It was impossible to sign this so she uncurled to reach for her iPad. She’d had nothing to do but think the last few days and had put a few things together. She moved beside him so he could read over her shoulder. It was a really bad night for me. I was on the edge before I saw you. She caught me about to swallow too many painkillers and snatched my tablets.
‘On, Jen … I’m so not worth it.’
This time she did smile. Men! Don’t flatter yourself, Jonah. You were only one tiny part of my meltdown. But I can’t make sense of what she did next – why overdose in my place? The police said she collapsed in the hall having taken six of my tablets.
‘The only explanation I can think of was that she probably thought she’d killed you. Head wounds bleed like a bitch. She didn’t want to face the consequences.’
So it was remorse? But she didn’t sound the least bit sorry when she took them off me – more triumphant.
‘I didn’t say she was sorry, just that she knew she’d gone too far hitting you. Can you imagine Bridget going through the humiliation of a trial? She’d have to leave the house for one thing. They only got her out this time because they carried her out on a stretcher.’
But I’ve been wondering if maybe it was accidental? I don’t think she knew what was in the tub. I got it on the black market and it wasn’t labelled. Inside was Fentanyl rather than Tramadol.
‘So?’
Bridget has chronic pain too, doesn’t she? Maybe she was in pain after the effort of hitting me.
‘Yeah, like that makes me feel so sorry for her!’ Jonah gave a choking laugh. ‘She left you bleeding in the bathroom: what a hero!’
I don’t think either of us was thinking clearly. First I embarrassed her by interrupting your …
Jonah took the tablet as she so clearly didn’t want to write a crude word. SAGA holiday.
‘What?’ she signed.
‘Sex and games for the aged.’
Jenny rolled her eyes and took back the iPad. If she thought she was taking her usual dose then maybe she overdosed accidentally? She must’ve run out of her own prescription. Pain can drive you crazy.
‘Jesus, I didn’t know it had got so bad for her. She never mentioned it to me. The arthritis?’
She nodded. I think so. But it just doesn’t add up. She should’ve called an ambulance if she regretted it, or finished me off if she didn’t.
‘There you go – back to my explanation: she’s crackers, rattling around in that house on her own all day, and now we have to factor in the addiction. Don’t go looking for reasons where there aren’t any. It was impulse.’
Jenny still wasn’t satisfied but it was unlikely they’d get any further with their guesses. The good news is that I’ve levelled out since coming home.
‘Really? That’s great!’
My doctor here has known me since I was little and has been really helpful. She’s changed the way I take my painkillers. Apparently my GP should’ve done this as soon as she saw there was a problem. The patch gives me a steady dose of pain relief so no more lottery of downing pills scored on a street corner.
‘You wild child, you.’ He sounded admiring – that was so Jonah.
I think I went mad for a while there. I wasn’t rational and couldn’t imagine an alternative. I should’ve asked for help so much earlier.
‘Few of us do ask before we have to, darling.’ He took the iPad and put it on the bed behind them. ‘I need a cuddle. It’s been a stressful couple of days.’
She had to smile. So like Jonah to give her the comfort she needed by phrasing it as a favour to himself. She leaned into him.
He put his arm around her shoulders. ‘And, Jen, I have to mention something.’ He pulled her hand onto his lap and laced fingers with hers.
She made a circle with her free hand to indicate he should go on.
‘Why aren’t you in worse shape? I’ve been through withdrawal and, damn, girl, you either have one robust metabolism or you are sneaking some extra patches somewhere. I think I should look.’ He made as if to peep down her shirt.
She tugged free. ‘Am not!’ she signed.
‘Then I have to ask: how’re you doing it? Because you’re not acting like any recovering addict I’ve ever known – no shivering, sweating, throwing up, wishing you were dead.’
‘I don’t know,’ she signed.
‘How many pills were you taking each day?’
‘Seven or eight.’
‘Steep but hardly the habit of a real druggie. In fact, I’d call it pretty tame, you lightweight.’
She pulled the iPad onto her lap and wrote: It never seemed enough but I couldn’t afford more. The effect was very hit and miss. Sometimes the relief worked, sometimes it got worse.
‘You should ask your doctor about it.’
I will, but I really do feel so much better now.
‘So why’ve you been giving your poor mum the heebie-jeebies by not communicating to her?’
Jenny shrugged. She couldn’t tell him the real reason; she still hadn’t come to terms with it herself, wondering if she’d only imagined it. Her throat still ached.
‘You need to give her a break, let her know not to worry.’
You’re right.
He snatched the tablet. ‘At last: someone says I’m right about something! I’m gonna send that to myself.’
She chuckled, a little coughing sound coming from her chest.
‘Hey, you made a sound!’ Until now her laughter had always been silent.
She shrugged.
He put his head to her chest. ‘It was lovely. Do it again!’
She pushed him away. She wasn’t ready for that. ‘There’s something you can do for me, Jonah,’ she signed.
‘Anything legal, babe, and probably a few illegal acts too.’
She rolled her eyes.
‘Oh come on, you can’t tell me, you as a fully paid up member of the slut club, that you haven’t thought of that too – you, me, a bed …?’
She smiled and shook her head. ‘Not that kind of favour.’
‘Shame: they’re the best sort. OK, I’ll be serious. What do you want, darling?’
She took the iPad back. I need to fetch my stuff. Will you come back with me to Gallant House? Just you and me. I don’t want my mum there.
He grimaced as he read the message. ‘That’s a toughie, as I’d prefer to burn the place to the ground, but OK. I’ll have to check first with my lawyer that I can.’
The police said they’d cleared out. It’s no longer a crime scene. Our tenancy is still running as Bridget hasn’t said it isn’t.
‘They told me I wasn’t welcome but, technically, there’s no reason they can give us to stop us going in, is there?’ Jonah kissed her knuckles. ‘OK, I’ll take you. When would you like to go?’
How about now?