This book is dedicated to one of my oldest and dearest friends, and a first-rate SM educator in her own right, Karen Mendelsohn of QSM in San Francisco. Thank you very much, Karen, for your years of friendship, for our many hours of wonderful conversation, and for suggesting that I write this book.
Many, many people helped me, in one way or another, to create this book, and expressing the proper degree of thanks is always somewhat tricky. Undoubtedly, some people are going to (correctly) perceive that they are not being shown proper gratitude here, or were even forgotten entirely. Allow me to apologize for that right now. Please contact me and I’ll fix that shortcoming in future printings.
While an author ultimately works alone, they rarely work in complete isolation. The following people, listed alphabetically, served as advisors, consultants, crash test dummies (technique testers), baby sitters (monitoring me to make sure that I was working on the book while at the computer instead of spending time on the Internet or playing a computer game), and sources of inspiration. Some served in more than one capacity. While I take responsibility for any mistakes, flaws, and shortcomings in this book, these people share any praise.
First of all, my loving thanks to Lynn, who has given me so much, in so many ways. You have been such a joy and a comfort to me.
Next, my loving thanks to Baraka, who has also given me so much, in so many ways. You have been wonderful as a baby sitter, a crash test dummy, a confidante, a sounding board, and a general co-conspirator.
The following people, listed alphabetically, have also provided wonderful assistance in terms of baby sitting, crash testing, and so forth: KJ, Katy B., Lane, Linda K., Lori A., Pat.
The following people, also listed alphabetically, provided excellent assistance in terms of manuscript reading, idea polishing, reality checking, and helping me think my way through the trickier parts of this book: Beth, Dr. Charles Moser, Eddie T., John Warren, Joseph Bean, Lolita Wolf, Mark B., Rachel S., Tom Burns, and Vicki.
The writings, demonstrations, and other teachings of the following people contributed to my own development as a bondage practitioner: David El, Lana White, Loreli, Lou Duff, Molly Devon, Race Bannon, Robin Roberts, Tammad, Takeshi Nagaike, Wolf G.
Finally, of course, my deepest and most loving thanks to Janet. This book owes its existence to her love, patience, and unflagging support. Thank you so much. I love you.
A NOTE TO MY READER
Hello there, Dear Reader. How are you? Fine, I hope. Hey, before we go any further, let’s you and I have a little chat. There are some fairly important matters regarding this topic that I want to make sure you understand.
First of all, while I forget who originally said it, there is a saying that goes something like “Those who do not hear the music think that those who dance are insane.” This saying is very relevant to bondage (and other aspects of sadomasochism).
The appeal of erotic bondage is very personal, and can arise from a very deep place. While it can be appealing in an intellectual sense, the real sense of attraction is usually much more visceral, more primordial. The urge to tie someone up during sex, or to be tied up during sex, comes from a deep place, perhaps a subrational place, within the mind. Thus, trying to understand the desire in rational terms can be very difficult.
At one end of the spectrum are people who find such urges deeply attractive and wish to explore them. At the other end of the spectrum are people who find such urges deeply repellent and want nothing whatsoever to do with them. There are, of course, a large number of people who are somewhere in the middle.
I am, of course, one of those people who “hear” this particular type of “music” and thus find the idea of engaging in the “dance” of erotic bondage highly attractive. However, let me make it clear that I certainly don’t feel that this activity is for everybody (actually, I don’t think it’s for most people, as I will explain later). Furthermore, if the idea of engaging in erotic bondage deeply repels you, I certainly have no problem with that and I am not inclined to spend a lot of time urging you to reconsider.
(The one exception I might make to that would be for you to make sure that you have a reasonable idea of what is actually involved regarding how most of us engage in erotic bondage. After all, before we can have reasonable debate or discussion about a particular topic, we must first make sure that we are in acceptably close agreement regarding our terms before we go too much further. Otherwise, we’re unlikely to communicate effectively.)
So, if you’re fairly certain that you have a reasonable idea of what’s involved in erotic bondage as I’ve outlined it in this book, and you nonetheless find the idea of doing this in any way deeply repellent, then I urge you, in a genuinely friendly and cordial way, to seek your erotic satisfaction elsewhere. I certainly understand that not everybody is aroused by the same things and, in a way, I’m actually glad that is the case. As the wise old grandpa once told his grandson, “Tommy, if everybody in this world wanted the same thing, the whole world would be after your grandma.”
On the other hand, if you feel drawn to explore the dance of erotic bondage, then I believe this book will be helpful to you.
WARNING AND DISCLAIMER
Whenever an imbalance of power exists, the potential for abuse also exists.
This imbalance of power can take many different forms: raw physical power, economic power, the power to persuade or emotionally manipulate, and so forth. I’m sure you can think of other examples.
So whenever an imbalance of power exists, the potential for abuse necessarily and unavoidably also exists. Such abuse doesn’t always actually occur, and in fact it’s my experience that in the huge majority of cases it doesn’t occur, but it could. It most definitely could. That’s worth keeping in mind.
In what I will call BDSM (more commonly known, if not accurately understood, by the average citizen as “sadomasochism”), we intentionally, consensually create such an imbalance of power because we find it rewarding to explore the unique, intense energy that exists whenever such an imbalance of power exists. Most of the time such explorations go pretty well. In fact, at least within the BDSM community, reports of people abusing this imbalance are very rare. Not entirely nonexistent, you understand, but nonetheless still very rare.
The main purpose of this book is to teach techniques that will allow one person to physically restrain another person in a reasonably safe, consensual manner. Some of the techniques in this book, when applied as directed, will restrain the bound person so that they are reduced (for lack of a better word) to a level of helplessness and vulnerability about equal to that of an infant. A very substantial imbalance of raw physical power is thus created between the bound person and the unbound person. Even a very small person can, if they choose, nonconsensually abuse a much larger person, if that larger person is effectively bound. That’s a very sobering reality to contemplate.
I confess that I feel a bit nervous regarding writing this book. I can fill the book with safety warnings (and I have done so, and done so to the point where I’m certain that some readers will become annoyed with the frequency of such warnings). However, I cannot ultimately control who reads this book or what use they make of the information herein. That worries me.
Of course, perhaps I worry overmuch. After all, people create and distribute material all the time on topics whose abuse potential is much higher than that of this book. There are literally thousands of books, magazines, and videos (and information available through other venues, especially the internet) on subjects such as various martial arts techniques, knife fighting, gun fighting, how to make bombs, how to make booby traps, “real” torture methods, and so forth. There’s even at least one military manual on hand-to-hand combat put out by the United States government, that depicts “prisoner tying” techniques far harsher than many of the techniques that I’ve included in this book, and that is available to civilians.
Furthermore, mainstream films and television shows routinely show bondage and torture techniques. For example, when someone gets restrained in such a film or television show by the use of duct tape, as I recently saw on an episode of “South Park,” this “bondage lesson” is seen by millions of viewers of all ages. Yet I don’t see anybody going after the producers of such major films or shows and accusing them of irresponsibly dispensing such information.
Additionally, the producers of such shows certainly don’t seem to feel any responsibility (or, more importantly, liability) if someone watches what they produced and then goes out and nonconsensually does it to another person.
So if such rich, important, and powerful “bigwigs” don’t worry overly much about the misuse of material that they presented in their movies and television shows, why should “little old me” worry about it? Well, I do, that’s all. I just do. The idea that somebody might end up being nonconsensually tortured because of something that the assailant learned in this book bothers me a very great deal.
So what can or should I do about that? Well, let’s see, what are my options?
At one extreme, I could choose to not write or publish the book at all. Taking that option would entirely eliminate the possibility that any information I might communicate could be abused – because I wouldn’t be communicating any information! This is a harsh, but 100% abuse-proof approach.
At the other extreme, I could take the “hey, it’s not my problem, it’s not my responsibility, and it’s most certainly not my liability” approach. (As I mentioned, this seems to be the approach taken by most mainstream producers of material that depict bondage techniques.) Somebody misused what’s in here? That’s none of my concern.
A third approach would be the “going through the motions of giving safety warnings” approach. I could give lip service to the various safety matters, and then go on to present a number of highly dangerous techniques. They misused what’s in this book? Hey, I warned them, didn’t I?
How about a fourth approach? Let’s try a very sober, clear look at the material in this book.
Dear Reader, I strongly suggest that you consider what you are holding in your hand to be a very large, sharp, double-edged sword. More correctly, you are holding in your hand informational material that will allow you to create and use such a sword. Remember, this sword is, by its nature, unavoidably double-edged. A rope, like many other everyday items such as a car, a kitchen knife, a hammer, or a match, has great potential for positive, constructive use, and also great potential for negative, destructive use.
A rope is intrinsically neutral. It is a common, everyday item that has no specific purpose. A rope can be used for both good and for evil, for both consensual, erotic play and for nonconsensual, horrible torture.
How are people injured by bondage? By intentional misuse, and by ignorant misuse.
My experience has led me to believe that far more injuries are due to ignorant misuse than are due to intentional abuse. So by writing this book I can do good by reducing the number of injuries due to ignorance. I can also reduce the number of injuries caused by intentional misuse by reducing the number of people who are vulnerable to such abuse. I do this by teaching potential victims how to avoid putting themselves into such vulnerable positions – thus depriving the predator of victims, and enabling the victims to recognize the predator much earlier than they otherwise would – and to warn others.
So, while a small number of predators may gain some small advantage, I strongly believe that the overall effect of writing this book will be to greatly reduce the number of victims available to such predators and to reduce the harm caused by non-malicious bondage.
Furthermore, this is certainly not the only place where a predator could learn. In fact, I want predators to feel distinctly uneasy that this book exists, because it will make life harder on them. This book will reduce the number of potential victims available to them. It will also enable their potential victims to recognize the predator much earlier in the process of dealing with them, and to take effective counter-measures.
I strongly advise you to acknowledge that bondage is an inherently risky activity. Like driving a car, there are always risks associated with engaging in bondage. These include risks to your physical well being, your emotional well being, the relationship you have with your bondage partner, and even your legal situation. These risks can be reduced, but never entirely eliminated. Fortunately, if you follow the safety recommendations in this book, you should reduce the risks you face to a very low level.
You are the primary person responsible for keeping yourself safe, and you have the right to take reasonable measures to ensure your well being. If your potential partner is uncomfortable with your taking such measures, it may be a very good idea to consider whether or not doing bondage with them at all is a good idea.
My book “SM 101: A Realistic Introduction” includes the statement, “You almost never get into serious trouble by going too slowly.” To this I would now add “especially at the beginning.” Almost all problems make themselves known fairly early. If you take things slowly, especially at first, and pay attention, you should almost always spot potential trouble while it is still manageable.
There is a test for potential bondage partners, particularly if you are going to be the one getting tied up, that I call the “NTA test.” To perform this test, you ask yourself how you think you would feel if you were “Naked, Tied up, and Alone” with this person (and with nobody else knowing about your situation). If your feelings about this scenario – a scenario which, of course, could very well come to pass – are other than strongly and warmly positive, then I suggest you act accordingly.
We can never predict the future with perfect accuracy. When doing bondage, most people take safety precautions of one sort of another – and many of these safety precautions are very effective – but whether or not the precautions taken will actually be adequate if a situation should arise is always something of a matter of guesswork. To help ensure that the safety precautions taken will actually be adequate in the event of an emergency, I suggest that bondage practitioners “overprepare” just a bit. I have a saying that I believe will help in this regard: “Take one more precaution than you think you need to.”
Let’s face it, bondage is often a sexual activity, and people faced with the prospect of imminent sexual activity are often not at their most rational. So please give yourself just a bit more of a safety margin than you at first think you’re going to need. This “take one more precaution than you think you need to” approach can take a number of forms. It might involve making one more phone call to tell a friend where and with whom you’re going to be. It might involve making sure that one more item of safety gear, such as a flashlight or pair of scissors, is handy. It might involve quickly summarizing the points of pre-bondage negotiations one last time before starting to play. Fortunately, this can almost always be done without spoiling the mood.
So that’s it. Truth be told, just as with driving a car, most of the time things actually go pretty well, especially if you learn and follow “the rules of the road.” While it’s not for everybody, exploring erotic bondage can be incredibly satisfying and fulfilling. It has the potential to enrich your life, enrich your relationship, and can even be a means of profound personal growth.
Just remember: Take one more precaution than you think you need to.
Best wishes,
Jay Wiseman
San Francisco, California
January, 2000
“Power without wisdom is terrifying. Wisdom without power is pathetic.” – Jay Wiseman
ABOUT THE QUOTES
Throughout this book, in attempt to convey a taste of what it’s like to do bondage, I have included a number of quips, remarks, and other comments I’e heard over the years. None of the people felt, as far as I know, that they were making a significant comment at the time they spoke. These are just passing comments, and therefore more revealing.