WHAT? Before we go much further into the “who,” “where,” “when,” “why,” and especially before we go much further into the “how” of erotic bondage, let’s make sure that we agree on the “what” of what we are talking about. In other words, let’s define our terms. When I use the term “erotic bondage” what do I mean by that term?
Well, let’s see. That phrase contains two words: “erotic” and “bondage.” Let’s look at each one in turn.
My dictionary defines “erotic” as “of, devoted to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire.”
My dictionary also defines “bondage” as “a state of being bound” or “subjugation to a controlling person or force.”
Looking around a bit more in my dictionary, I find the following:
My dictionary defines the word “restrain” as “to limit, restrict, or keep under control.”
“To bind” is defined as “to make secure by tying” and “to confine, restrain, or restrict with bonds.”
So we could broadly define erotic bondage as “to confine, restrain, or restrict with bonds in a way intended to arouse sexual desire.”
I will not be referring in this book to other ways to restrain one’s erotic partner, such as confining them to a cage (although I have friends who are very much into that practice). Nor will I refer to the use of arm locks and other restraining holds to restrict another person’s movement.
To bind someone is, usually, to apply materials to their body with the intention of limiting their ability to move. (I will outline some other reasons for bondage in the “why” section.)
There are various reasons why people are bound. Police officers bind their prisoners (usually by using handcuffs). Criminals bind their victims. Medical personnel sometimes bind patients to prevent them from hurting themselves and/or others. Ordinary people occasionally bind criminals as part of making a citizen’s arrest. People are sometimes placed into bondage as a way of exploring alternative forms of consciousness. This is sometimes called “shamanic” bondage.
So what do I mean, in this book, by “erotic bondage”? To put it very simply, in this book I will refer to erotic bondage as the practice of one person’s applying restraining materials to the body of a consenting partner with the intention of increasing the erotic arousal level of at least one of the two people involved. (Hopefully, of course, both people involved will have their erotic arousal level increased, but I would say that the “minimal acceptable condition” is that both people consent and that at least one of them is being aroused.)
Note: Hence for thin this book, when I refer to bondage, please understand that I am referring specifically to erotic bondage.
Why? One of the most basic questions regarding erotic bondage is “why should anyone want to do it in the first place?” After all, the very idea of tying up your partner as part of your sex life, or of having them tie you up, can seem pretty weird, and even dangerous, to a large number of people – possibly even to the majority of people. So why should we want to do it?
This is not the place to go into a detailed analysis of the psychology of bondage, or to discuss the role of parts of the human brain such as the limbic system (see “SM 101” and related books for more on that), so let us simply note in passing that there is no reason to believe that such urges are necessarily, or even usually, pathological. Legions of people who are quite mentally healthy want to engage in bondage or some other aspect of SM in one way or another.
Let us also note that there can a distinct element of aggression and submission associated with a great deal of healthy sexual desire and healthy sexual behavior. Even the most “vanilla” person may sometimes say something to their spouse like “I’m going to fuck your brains out” or “take me.” A great deal of sadomasochism in general, and of bondage in particular, is associated with consensually enhancing and enjoying the aggressive and submissive feelings that often accompany sexual arousal.
The submissive aspect of sexuality often involves assuming a state of being that may be described with words like receptiveness, openness, submitting, passivity, bottoming, surrender, letting go of control, “bottom space,” and vulnerability. (Within the SM community, the nuances of such terms can be, and are, debated at great length. Please let me make it clear, particularly to the “SM purists” reading this, that I’m using terms such as “submissive” in a very generalized, generic way.)
So, to put it another way, what is the purpose of erotic bondage? Erotic bondage can be done for a number of purposes, either separately or in combination. Some of the more common purposes for putting a consenting partner in bondage include bondage for vulnerability, bondage for decoration, and bondage for sensation.
• Bondage for vulnerability. Probably the most common reason that bondage is applied to a consenting partner is to restrict, in one way or another, their ability to move. This is significant because if a person’s ability to move is limited, then their ability to run away, fight off their “attacker,” cover vulnerable parts of their body, and so forth is also limited. In short, they are more vulnerable when they are bound than they are when they are not bound.
One could identify sub-aspects of bondage done to increase vulnerability. For example, one could think of “bondage for control,” “bondage for immobilization,” and “bondage for exposure.”
In the first example, that of bondage for control, the bottom might be simply bound with their hands behind their back, but nothing more. This type of bondage is very similar to the bondage that police officers put suspects in upon arresting them.
In bondage for control, the bottom’s ability to “fight off their attacker” is lessened and their ability to run away is hampered (and their body may be somewhat exposed). Thus, although the bottom may still be able to move about fairly freely, and to assume a large number of positions, the top can still control their movements relatively easily. (Of course, if the bottom is significantly larger and/or stronger than the top, the bondage will have to be more extensive. Exactly how much bondage it is necessary for the top to apply in order to accomplish this control can take some planning – and can be a fun game for the top and the bottom to play.)
In an example of bondage for immobilization, the bottom might be tied nude in a face-up, spread-eagled position on a bed. In this position, their ability to fight anybody off is very greatly lessened. Their ability to run away is essentially eliminated, and the entire front half of their body is exposed. (If the bottom is a woman, the fact that her legs are tied apart and that she is unable to close them may have a particularly strong emotional impact.)
One somewhat unusual example of bondage for immobilization is what can be thought of as “tether bondage.” In an example of such bondage, the person might be chained by one ankle to something relatively immobile such as a bed. Within the limits of their tether, the person has almost complete freedom of movement, but they much stay within its limits. (In practice, such tethers are often long enough to reach places like the nearest bathroom.)
In bondage for exposure, the bottom is often tied in such a way that either as much of their body as possible, or a part of their body in particular, is held in place and especially revealed and accessible to the top. The body parts involved are frequently their breasts, genitals, or buttocks.
• Bondage for decoration. Bondage is sometimes done mostly for its decorative effect, often in a way that signals a kind of availability for and/or “vulnerability” to sex. (I put vulnerable in quotes here because it is frequently the case that the person in question is quite heartily consenting to sex. If you’re not sure, ask.) In such a case, rope or other materials may be applied to the bound person’s body in such a way as to call attention to their breasts, genitals, or some other part of them. People may wear “rope dresses,” “body harnesses,” and similar arrangements that may do so little to actually limit their mobility that they could run a marathon while wearing them. Still, such outfits can look very hot.
There is a type of bondage-for-decoration that can be thought of as “symbolic” bondage. In this type of bondage, the bound person’s ability to move is often not limited to any significant degree – and sometimes not at all. Rather, in such cases it is more typical that the bondage signals that the person wearing it is in a state of servitude or submission, usually to a specific person. One typical example of symbolic bondage would be of one person to have their hands linked together in front of them with a very wide length of chain or rope. In such bondage, the person could do almost everything (including participate almost normally in sex) but it would be a symbol of their state.
One specific type of symbolic bondage is the applying of some sort of bondage to a special part of the bottom’s body to indicate that the body part in question is “owned” by someone else. For example, a man who is in a submissive relationship to another person, male or female, might agree to wear a short chain that has been locked around his genitals (and he does not have a key to this lock) in order to symbolize that his genitals are “owned” by someone that he might refer to as his Master or his Mistress. Obviously, this person has to do a bit of special planning when he is scheduled to do things like walk through an airport metal detector.
Probably the most common “symbolic bondage” within the SM community is the collar. While the meaning of a collar can vary widely – from meaningless fashion accessory to a symbol of a relationship as deep and committed as any marriage – in practice it is very common for a person who is in some type of submissive relationship to another person to wear that person’s collar. Thus, if you meet someone at an SM-type event and they are wearing a collar around their neck, do not be surprised if you learn that there is someone in their life that they refer to as their Master, their Mistress, their Owner, or by some similar term.
“You’re easier to get along with when you’re tied up.”
Another type of symbolic bondage is a length of relatively thin “body chain” jewelry worn around the person’s waist. While there is no intrinsic meaning to wearing such a chain (sometimes jewelry is just jewelry) such a chain can sometimes have a symbolic meaning identical to that associated with wearing a collar.
• Bondage for sensation. Bondage may be applied to the bottom’s body for the sensations that such bondage creates. Typically this is done in either a specific location or in a more generalized way.
Examples of bondage applied to a specific location for sensation enhancement would be bondage applied to the bottom’s breasts or genitals. Breast and genitals, especially male genitals, that have been bound can become swollen and more sensitive to being touched.
Bondage applied in a more general way for the sensation it creates may have a more overall effect. For example, it’s very common for bottoms to report that ropes wrapped entirely around their body, perhaps particularly ropes that have been wrapped several times around their upper torso, have a kind of calming effect. This calming effect is frequently compared to the calming effect that applying swaddling clothes has on infants.
While the details are beyond the scope of this book, let me note that bondage which covers almost as much of the bottom’s body as it is possible to cover – a technique sometimes called “mummification bondage” – is frequently associated with the bottom’s entering into altered states of consciousness. Altered states of consciousness also sometimes occur if a bottom wears a hood that covers the entire head except for a few breathing holes.
Who? One of the very first questions that comes up regarding bondage is “Who should I let tie me up?” Obviously, this is a critically important question. A bound person can be reduced to an infant-like level of helplessness and vulnerability. It’s only reasonable that you should consider very carefully to whom you should make yourself this vulnerable.
There is a way of thinking about this issue that I have found useful. I call it the “NTA Test.” Long before there is any chance that you might let this person tie you up, ask yourself how you would feel about being “naked, tied up, and alone” with this person. Indeed, it can be a useful question about how you feel about them in general.
Another useful approach is what I call the “ninety, nine, and one” rule. It’s useful to assume that, out of one hundred people, ninety of them will be basically safe enough to let yourself be tied up by. They may not know much in the way of technique, and they may have some unrealistic ideas of what is and what is not involved, but those shortcomings can be remedied by having them acquire adequate basic education (which, hopefully, this book will help provide). Once they’ve been educated, they are basically safe to play with.
The remaining ten people are emotionally unsuited for the role of either binder or bindee. For a number of reasons, they are simply not emotionally stable enough to do this, particularly in the role of binder.
Of those ten people, there is one – one person out of your original group of one hundred – who is genuinely dangerous, and capable of treating you with real malice if they get you in a vulnerable position. Indeed, if you find yourself naked, tied up, and alone with this person, you could be at very real risk of being slowly, agonizingly tortured to death. (Fortunately, accountability has a way of strongly deterring these people. If you make a point of never compromising on matters such as setting up a silent alarm – to be described later in this chapter – they will probably, rather quickly, decide that they want nothing to do with you.)
So, given the above, how do you determine which of the three groups your prospective bondage partner belongs to?
The basic answer: give it time.
As a good, overall, basic rule, you should only let yourself be tied up by people that you know well and are on good terms with. Letting yourself be tied up by strangers, or by people with whom you are having interpersonal difficulties – even if you have known them for a long time – can be asking for serious trouble.
When? There are two general aspects to the “when should you engage in bondage with someone?” question. The first part of the question deals with your relationship your potential partner. I think that I adequately addressed this matter in the “Who” section.
So, OK, you know this person well enough for it to be appropriate for you to consider doing bondage with them, now the question emerges of when should you do it.
I think it can help to clarify the question if we look at it from a reverse point of view. In other words, when should you not do bondage with this person?
I suggest that you do not engage in bondage with someone if…
• You do not (yet) know them well enough. As I mentioned earlier, you want to make sure that you know this person pretty well. Do they pass the NTA test?
• Either of you is significantly intoxicated. I have heard more case reports than I can remember of SM scenes that “crashed and burned.” In many such reports, it is very clear that the use of intoxicants was an essential co-factor in what happened. If intoxicant usage had not been involved, it is very reasonable to conclude that the crash would not have happened.
• Either of you is physically tired. Trying to do bondage at the end of a long day, when either of you is exhausted, can be asking for trouble. I know of numerous “SM disasters” that can be traced to trying to play while tired.
• Either of you is significantly depressed, angry, sad, or otherwise emotionally upset. Erotic bondage can be a very emotional experience for both parties. If they are already near their emotional overload point because of other stresses, doing bondage can push them over the edge.
? Either of you doesn’t feel well. Bondage and illness, even mild illness like a headache or upset stomach, are a bad mixture. The potential for the discomfort to get worse during the bondage session is significant. Also, I’ve found that a partner who isn’t feeling well when the session begins is far likelier to have an emotional upset during the session.
“I like to him up and then clean the house.”
• Your relationship is significantly troubled. Bondage involves significant degrees of trust, vulnerability, and so forth. If your relationship is currently not of a type that makes creating this degree of vulnerability a good idea, it’s best to hold off for a while.
• There is not adequate privacy. You should only do bondage in private or in the presence of consenting others. Doing bondage, or any other aspect of SM play, in the presence of people who do not understand it and/or who have not consented to see it is asking for trouble.
• You lack suitable materials, either in terms of bondage gear or safety gear. Many crashes can be traced to trying to bondage with inadequate equipment, or to the lack of adequate safety gear. (More on this topic on “On Tying Up and Being Untied,” later in the book.)
• Either you or your partner is not adequately educated regarding how to do bondage with at least a baseline degree of safety. Uneducated people can have wildly unrealistic impressions of what is and what is not involved in bondage. Lack of education can also lead to serious injuries.
• Either of you is dehydrated, has low blood sugar, etc. It can be a very good idea to make sure that you have had enough to eat and drink just prior to playing. This type of play can use up a lot of energy and water. More than one scene has come to a bad end because of something like a thirst level that was too high or a blood sugar level that was too low. (On a related note, it’s a very good idea for both partners, and particularly the bottom, to empty their bladder and possibly their bowels before beginning a bondage session.)
? Your bondage scene has not been adequately pre-negotiated. It is my experience, after talking to many, many people over a period of more than two decades, that the single most common cause of a bondage scene, or other type of SM scene, ending badly is rushed or otherwise inadequate pre-scene negotiations. I’ve found that you can tell a lot about the suitability of a potential SM partner by how carefully they conduct their pre-scene negotiations. As one part of these negotiations with a relatively new partner, you should setup a silent alarm and make sure your potential partner knows you have done so.
• You don’t feel like it. This seems almost too obvious to mention – but you’re doing this for fun. If one of you isn’t in the mood, the chances that you’re going to have fun are not too good.
Bondage as “near edge” play. One type of SM play is frequently called “edge play.” While there is no widely agreed upon definition of this term, it frequently involves activities where the degree of physical risk involved is much greater than the degree of risk involved in more routine types of play.
I mention this because, while most bondage does not qualify as edge play, I do believe that it is riskier than many people perceive it to be. On many occasions, I’ve heard remarks like “I’m not interested in doing any edge play or anything really heavy. How about if I just tie you up a little bit?” This suggestion always makes me nervous, particularly when I hear it from someone that I don’t know all that well.
The problem with this remark is that it fails to address the reality of how dangerous bondage can be. Most bondage is not highly dangerous in and of itself, but it does create a potentially very dangerous degree of vulnerability. Once you are tied up, you are at that other person’s mercy. If, after they’ve put you into “just a little bondage” they turn out to be not all that sane or friendly or sober, you could find yourself in a nightmarish situation.
Most bondage does not qualify as edge play, but it can create enough vulnerability to qualify it as “near-edge” play.
Where? Where should you do bondage? Only in the presence of informed, consenting, supportive others.
This being the case, most of the time your bondage adventures will involve only you and your lover, playing alone in private. Please take a few minutes to make sure that you are not likely to be inappropriately seen or heard by others. If you have kids in the house, make sure that, as with all other aspects of your sex life, they will not be aware of what is going on. Also, your housemates, neighbors, and so forth really don’t need to be aware of what you’re doing. Trying to do such practices in more public, uncontrolled environments such as a city park is asking for trouble in many different ways.
Attending an SM club’s events can be an excellent place to do bondage in the presence of supportive others. They can be great events to share what you know, learn from others, and see some really hot bondage techniques “in the flesh.”
While some people in the SM community insist that it is their perfect right to put their bottom into bondage and lead them down the street on a leash, or to tie their bottom to a streetlight while they go into a restaurant to eat a meal, I think that such activities are only asking for trouble. On the other hand, leading your bound bottom on a leash while being part of the SM contingent of your annual Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender/Etc. Freedom Day Parade can be very, very big fun.
If you decide to play outside, take extra precautions to make sure that you won’t be discovered by passers-by. Keep in mind that there is the potential for genuine disaster to occur if such a passer-by attempts to “rescue” the bottom from the top. (Furthermore, not every passer-by may have such noble intent. Some may have much more malicious inclinations.) Also please keep in mind that “incriminating” sounds can carry much further outdoors than you might appreciate, especially at night. Finally, remember to bring along some sunscreen and some water to drink.
I know that some people think it’s fun to tie their partner up and then drive them around in a car, sometimes even with the bound person in the trunk of the car, but the risks associated with this practice seem too numerous and severe for me to feel comfortable recommending it.
THE SILENT ALARM
Let’s take a moment to look directly at what has the potential to be a very stark reality. When we talk about doing erotic bondage, we are frequently talking about a situation in which two people are alone together, and one of them is very securely tied up. The potential for Bad Things to happen in this situation is obvious.
With the understanding that we can never entirely eliminate the chances of Bad Things happening in such a situation, it’s only reasonable for us to ask what we can do to reduce the chances of their happening.
It’s my belief that, for the most part, people don’t do Bad Things for one of two reasons:
The first reason, and by far the more common reason, is that most people, most of the time, are basically good, decent people. If you make allowances for an occasional moment of human weakness (and I find that I am becoming more tolerant and forgiving on that point than I used to be, possibly in part because I have had so many weak moments myself) most people are good people most of the time. They don’t lie, steal, or harm someone else, even if they could get away with it. In other words, they don’t do Bad Things because they aren’t Bad People.
OK, fine, but there certainly are Bad People in this world. Why don’t Bad People do Bad Things? My point of view is that a Bad Person will do a Bad Thing unless they think that they’re gonna get caught. A more formal way of saying this is to say that after-the-fact accountability deters unwanted behavior.
A key teaching in criminal justice is that you don’t decrease the frequency of a specific crime by increasing the punishment for that crime. (The politicians regularly try to sell this nonsense to the voters by passing laws that increase such penalties. This approach allows them to look like they’re working on the problem without doing much actual, real work on it.) Rather, you decrease the frequency of a given criminal behavior by increasing the probability of getting caught.
In other words, if a Bad Person believes that he’ll get caught if he tries to do a certain Bad Thing, the chances that he will actually try to commit the crime in question drop way down. Again, accountability (or, at least, the belief that there will be accountability) deters unwanted behavior.
In the SM world, we use this “accountability aspect” to protect ourselves, particularly when playing in private with a new partner, by setting up what is called a “silent alarm.” (It’s also sometimes called a “safe call.”)
The basic way it works is pretty simple. Before going out on an in-private play date with a new partner, Person A simply tells a Trusted Friend where they will be, who they will be with (Person B), what they will be doing, and approximately how long they will be there. The agreement is that if Person A doesn’t check in by that deadline time (and, often, do so in a particular way; more on that later), the Trusted Friend is to assume that Person A is in very serious trouble and needs to be rescued from Person B, usually by the police. Person A then tells Person B ahead of time (diplomatically and courteously) that such a “silent alarm” will be in place when they play. This last step is actually the most important one, yet it is also the most often skipped.
Of course, it’s also only prudent that Person B take the same precaution regarding Person A. In particular, please understand that “silent alarms” are definitely not only for people who will be taking the bottom role.
A refinement to setting up the silent alarm is the inclusion of an “all clear” word or phrase. This phrase, which is never uttered in the play partner’s presence, signals that the person is genuinely free and clear and is not deactivating their silent alarm under duress. The “all clear word” is frequently a word that is rather unusual and would have no place in a routine “the play date is over and I had a great time” conversation. Mentioning a dinosaur might be a good example. (One could also use something like a planet, a color, an astrological sign, the make of a car, a sports team – the list is endless.)
For example, if you’re acting as a “silent alarm baby-sitter” and your Person A calls in telling you that she “had a great time with the new guy and he’s really a great top” but she fails to mention the word “Brontosaurus” during the conversation, you then know that she’s in trouble no matter what else she says. (Human fallibility and forgetfulness being what they are, you might try to subtly prompt your friend, remembering that you might be overheard, if she seems fine but is forgetting to mention her all-clear signal. For example, you might ask her, “Hmmm, sounds great. Did he remind you of any particular animal?”)
Setting up a silent alarm may seem cumbersome at first, but after a while it becomes a routine and ordinary precaution.
It’s worth keeping in mind that the primary purpose of a silent alarm is deterrence, not after-the-fact accountability. Therefore, the most important part of using a silent alarm is to make it clear to your potential play partner that a silent alarm will be in place when the two of you play and that this is non-negotiable. As I said, be firm on this point, but also be polite about it. It’s likewise good form to suggest that your partner also set one up. While a novice might have some questions about this practice, they should have no major problems with it once its purpose has been explained to them. On the other hand, a real predator will be genuinely unhappy with this news and will either choose another partner or try really hard to talk you out of the idea. Obviously, anybody who strongly tries to talk you out of using a silent alarm is sending a major warning signal about their suitability as a potential partner by this act alone.
I’ve listened to a large number of “horror stories” during my years in the SM community involving people who were tied up by partners who seemed just fine and then went on to do terrible, nonconsensual things to them after they got them tied up. I’ve taken to asking “If that other person had been certain that a third person knew where you were and who you were with, do you think that those Bad Things would have happened?” In every single case so far, the reply has been “no.”
THE IMPORTANCE OF STAYING IN THE HERE AND NOW
This book is, unavoidably, something of a collection of generalizations. I have engaged in erotic bondage, both as a top and as a bottom, fairly frequently for more than 25 years, with many different partners. I have also spoken with hundreds of other bondage fans about their experiences. Over time, my explorations and interactions have led me to a number of recommendations. I have done my best to share the most useful of these recommendations with you in this book.
However, it is crucial that you understand the following: Every situation is unique. Every person’s body and/or mind is unique. Even the same person’s body and/or mind may (and eventually will) change significantly, sometimes within a very short period of time. What worked yesterday may not work to-day. The likes and dislikes that a person had a week ago may be very different from the likes and dislikes that they have today. Occasionally, what was once a hard limit for somebody may eventually become their preferred activity. On the other hand, what was once their preferred activity may become something that they now find utterly repulsive, and a hard limit.
I believe that this book presents a great deal of generally useful material, and can help provide you with a much more informed view. However, you must understand that the information within this book absolutely cannot be a substitute for your paying close, ongoing attention to what is happening in the immediate moment during your SM play, and to how well things are working, or not working, for both people. I believe that it is especially important for the top to stay in the here and now during an SM session.
I have seen bottoms get very “spacey” from being in bondage (and from other SM experiences). Indeed, the ability of bondage to induce various types of altered states of consciousness in the bound person is one of its major points of appeal. This being in a spaced-out state of mind can be intense, pleasurable, and a great deal of fun, for the bottom. However, a spaced-out top is a potentially very dangerous top.
Because the bottom may enter something of a spaced-out altered level of consciousness, it is important for the top to realize that they may find themselves “paying attention for two” during the bondage session. Therefore, it is very important for the top to remain sharply focused. As you can see, anything that detracts from the top’s ability to pay sharp attention to the situation can cause problems for, and even endanger, the bottom (or the top, or even both people).
So what are some of the more common factors that can impair a top’s ability to stay in the here and now and “pay attention for two”?
Obviously, intoxicant usage of any kind has significant potential to pull the top out of the here and now. While I’m not going to talk down to you by telling you to never use any intoxicants under any circumstances while you engage in bondage, you should understand that using even small amounts of intoxicants has the very real potential to dramatically increase the risk level. Please also understand that the amount of risk increase may be far greater than it seems to be. In a very large percentage of the many SM disasters that I have heard about over the years, it is quite reasonable to conclude that the aforementioned “crash and burns” would never have happened if intoxicants had not been involved.
Other things that can take the top out of “the here and now” include:
• Trying to play while excessively tired. A sleepy or exhausted top will find it essentially impossible to remain properly alert.
• Trying to play with someone while you still have significant unresolved personal difficulties with them. If you are noticeably angry or otherwise upset with someone, it’s probably better to hold off doing bondage with them until those issues are resolved.
• Trying to play with someone while there is some major issue in your life that is consuming all of your thoughts. You can’t stay “on station” as a top if your thoughts keep drifting away to some work-related issue, some financial difficulty, a personal problem, or some similar thought-consuming matter.
Note: Some people find that they can “turn off their brains” by bottoming in one way or another, so they may want to be tied up as a way of taking their minds off of some thought-consuming issue for a while. This can be reason-ably safe, provided that the bottom remains “present” enough to monitor their own basic well-being.
In summary, bottoms can “drift away” while in bondage, and this is not at all necessarily a bad thing provided that they don’t drift so far away that they become unable to monitor their basic well-being. Tops, on the other hand, must stay in the here and now during an SM session, “paying attention for two” while the play is in progress. The top, assisted as appropriate by the bottom, has to stay in tune with what is working, and what isn’t working, for those two people at that particular time, and to adjust or even stop the activity as indicated. Anything that interferes with the top’s ability to pay such close attention endangers not only the bottom, but also the top, and the relationship between them.
“I just love a man with