Food Strikes Back
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho cheese.
LITTLE GIRL: I’m thirsty.
LITTLE BOY: I’m Friday. Come over Saturday and we’ll have a sundae.
CUSTOMER: Do you serve crabs here?
WAITER: We serve everyone. Sit right down.
Did you hear about the farmer arrested for selling rotten fruit?
He was judged by his pears.
Why did the cucumber need a lawyer?
It was in a pickle.
Did you ever wonder …
… what was the best thing before sliced bread?
PRACTICAL JOKE
Ways to torment the pizza guy:
Ask for the crust on top this time.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box when you’re done. When they say yes, act very relieved.
Pretend you know the person on the phone from somewhere. Say something like, “Hey, your voice sounds familiar… I think we went to bed-wetters camp together about five years ago!”
Make the first topping you order pepperoni. Just before you hang up, say, “Remember—no pepperoni, please!” Don’t wait for a response.
If the person on the other end gets annoyed with you, say, “The last guy let me do it!”
Why do nuns like Swiss cheese the best?
Because it’s hole-y.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
Because it felt crummy.
There are two muffins sitting in a microwave. The first muffin turns to the second and says, “Wow, it’s hot in here.”
The second replies, “Oh my gosh, a talking muffin!” 
What did one raspberry say to the other?
“Look at the jam you got us into!”
If you eat three-quarters of a pie, what do you have?
An angry parent!
Why didn’t the prawn share his dessert?
He was shellfish.
Why is monastery food so greasy?
It’s all cooked by friars.
What did the mama melon say to her daughter when the girl wanted to run away and marry her boyfriend?
“You canteloupe.”
Did you hear the one about the compulsive liar sandwich?
It was full of baloney.
What goes best with toast when you’re in a car?
Traffic jam.
What’s big and white and lives on Mars?
A martian-mallow.
Why are raspberries such bad drivers?
They’re always getting into jams.
What did the cucumber say to the vinegar?
“Well, this is a fine pickle you’ve gotten us into!”
Why was the mushroom the hit of the party?
He was a fungi.
What do you get when you cross a cow with an earthquake?
Milkshakes.
How did the vegetable feel after it was cooked?
It was steamed.
BART: I feel like spaghetti.
HOWARD: Funny, you don’t look like spaghetti!
What is the heaviest kind of soup?
Won-ton soup!
Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler is a multitalented comedian whose zany onstage persona recalls that of his comic heroes Rodney Dangerfield and Cheech and Chong. In reality, however, Sandler doesn’t drink, doesn’t do drugs, and is so close to his parents that he called one of his comedy albums Stan and Judy’s Kid in their honor.
Sandler was first noticed during his five-year stint on Saturday Night Live, the popular comedy sketch show on NBC. From 1990 to 1995, Sandler portrayed characters like Opera Man. It was on SNL that Sandler began writing and performing original songs, like his wildly popular “Chanukah Song,” “Lunchlady Land,” and “Red Hooded Sweatshirt.” These and other songs appear on Sandler’s four comedy albums.
It wasn’t long before Hollywood began calling Sandler’s name. Sandler had appeared in a few feature films while on SNL, but it was his portrayal of a goofy kid forced to repeat all twelve grades in order to receive his inheritance in 1995’s Billy Madison that cemented his name in moviegoers’ minds. Sandler followed with a role as a hockey-player-turned-golfer in Happy Gilmore (1996) and a benchwarmer-turned-football-hero in The Waterboy (1998). His fans have also seen the softer side of Sandler in flicks such as The Wedding Singer (1998), in which he plays the title character, who is smitten with Drew Barrymore; Spanglish (2004), which explores Spanish and American cultures; and Click (2006), where he is given a remote that can pause and fast-forward parts of his life.
Incidentally, the same group of New York University buddies who helped Sandler write the comedy routines that he performed in New York and Boston clubs and on the college circuit now help him write his movies!
Sandler’s multi media success is proof of a winning combination of wackiness and warm fuzziness.
Universal Humor
No matter what culture you’re from, people tend to laugh at the same things. They laugh at things that don’t make any sense, and they laugh at people who put ideas together that don’t usually go together. They laugh at grown-ups acting like children, and at children acting like grown-ups. They laugh at people making dumb mistakes (as long as the mistakes don’t cause real pain), and at people who do or say things in weird ways. Comedy is universal.
LUCY: Would you care to join me in a cup of tea?
LARRY: Do you really think there’s enough room for the two of us?
A woman sits down in a restaurant and says to the waiter, “Waiter, I’d like an alligator, and make it snappy.”
Robbie and his friends were talking after school. “Where’s your favorite place to eat a hamburger?” asked Owen. Jimmy said he liked to sit in the park. Sam said he liked the picnic tables at the fair. “What about you, Robbie?” Owen asked. “Where’s your favorite place to eat a hamburger?” Robbie replied, “In my mouth.”
Do you have a head of lettuce?
Then how come your face is so green?
CUSTOMER: This food tastes funny.
WAITER: Then why aren’t you laughing?
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there’s a jack in my soup!
WAITER: That’s because we made it with bean stock.
CUSTOMER: This coffee tastes like dirt.
WAITER: Yes, that’s because it was only ground 20 minutes ago.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
WAITER: Don’t worry, sir, I’m sure he won’t drink much.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there’s a fly in my alphabet soup!
WAITER: That’s no fly, that’s a spelling bee.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there’s a fly in my soup!
WAITER: Don’t worry, sir, we won’t charge you extra for it.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, what’s this fly doing in my soup?
WAITER: Looks like he’s drowning, ma’am.
CUSTOMER: Waiter, there’s a fly doing the breaststroke in my soup!
WAITER: You’re mistaken, sir. That’s the butterfly.
CUSTOMER: Yesterday there was a fly in my soup, but today there’s a bee!
WAITER: That’s because it’s the fly’s day off, sir.
Why do blue cheeses look alike?
They’re all cut from the same mold.
How do you know carrots are good for your eyes?
Because you never see rabbits wearing glasses.
What did the police do with the hamburger?
They grilled him.
Why did the woman divorce the grape?
She was tired of raisin’ kids.
What did the grape say when the rhinoceros trampled it?
Not much. It just let out a little wine.
Why did the insect collector toss the butter dish across the restaurant?
He wanted to see the butter fly.
What did the TV dinner say after it had been packaged?
“Curses, foiled again!”
Why did the sandwiches leave the bar?
Because it didn’t serve food.
Why was the man staring at the can of orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
Why did the egg accuse the chef of cruelty?
He put her in a bowl and beat her.
Will Smith
Will Smith is one versatile comic! He’s enjoyed success in movies, on TV, and in the music industry. Smith started his career as a member of the rap duo DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. (In school, Smith was given the nickname “Prince” because of his uncanny ability to charm his way out of trouble.) His duo eventually won a Grammy award for their humorous songs such as “Parents Just Don’t Understand,” featuring lyrics that any kid could appreciate!
When television producers noticed Smith’s ability to perform, they offered him a television show. The sitcom The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air ran from 1990 to 1996 and centered on a boy called Will (named for the talented star!) who moved away from his troubled home in Philadelphia to live with rich relatives in Bel-Air, California. Smith wrote the rap theme to the series. The show and its theme song remain among the best-known pop culture artifacts of the ’90s.
After conquering the TV comedy world, Smith moved on to films. He starred in the Men in Black movies (1997, 2002, 2012), which center around spoofs on aliens visiting Earth. Other comedy movies include Shark Tale (2004), an animated film about a fish who saves his reef community only to find himself “in over his head” with a gang of underwater sea creatures; and Hitch (2005), where he plays a professional “date doctor.” Though he opts for more serious roles nowadays, he still brings humor to each character.
Smith has proved his talent in music, TV, and film. Is there any comedic territory he hasn’t covered?
What kind of exercises do pancakes do?
Jumping flapjacks.
Where do lettuces practice law?
At the salad bar.
How do you make a casserole?
Put it on a skateboard.
What did the gardener say to the vegetables?
“Lettuce, turnip, and pea.”
Why did the other vegetables like talking to the corn?
She was always willing to lend an ear.
What should you do if your cake strikes out?
Call in the next batter.
Why did the mama bread get mad at her kids?
They were always loafing around.
What’s small, round, and blue?
A cranberry holding its breath.
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
What do you call two banana peels?
A pair of slippers.
What do you get when you cross an ear of corn with a spider?
Cob webs.
What did the corn give his fiancée when he proposed?
An ear ring.
A broccoli, a tomato, and a yam were running in a race. The broccoli got off to a great start, but being a green runner, didn’t have the strength to finish the race. The yam and the tomato were neck and neck for the first stretch, but the tomato quickly fell behind. The yam was about to reach the end of the track, but collapsed in exhaustion right before the finish line. Over the course of an hour, the tomato ran the entire length of the race, and won.
Why was the tomato so successful?
The tomato paste itself.
What do you get when you cross a bee with some beef?
A humburger.
The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and says,
“Make me one with everything.”
Why didn’t the salad joke make it into the book?
It got tossed.
MARIA: My brother is on a seafood diet.
SHELLY: What’s that?
MARIA: He eats whenever he sees food.
HUSBAND: Why can’t you make bread like your mother?
WIFE: I would if you made dough like your father!
What’s worse than finding a worm in the apple you’re eating?
Finding half a worm!
What does a millionaire make for dinner every night of the week?
Reservations.
Why couldn’t the monkey catch the banana?
The banana split.
How do you keep your dog from begging at the table?
Let him taste your cooking.
Why did the doughnut make a dentist’s appointment?
Because it needed a filling!
Try this everyday play on words.
Say your brother asks you to make him a peanut butter sandwich. What do you say? Pretend you’re a genie who has the power to transform!
YOUR BROTHER: Could you make me a peanut butter sandwich?
YOU: Abracadabra! There, you’re a peanut butter sandwich.
The same gag works for other types of sandwiches, chocolate cakes, and cups of tea. This joke is good for a few laughs, but don’t do it too often or someone might start playing tricks on you!
